Harmless flirtation with boss? What about my boyfriend?

[VelocityGrrrl]

After 18 months of being single, I met the most amazing man just over two months ago. Our relationship has been flourishing and we have both become increasingly close in recent weeks. He's kind, affectionate, funny, attractive and our physical relationship couldn't be better. I have been starting to feel that I could be falling in love with him and I think the same might be true for him. His friends adore me and constantly comment on what a cute couple we make. I love spending time with him and can't wait until we nexct see each other.

 

Just over a week ago, I was assigned a new boss at work. I had been warned about him by his departing secretary who referred to him as a bit of a lothario. I took this on board, but didn't think that this would be a problem as I was committed to my BF. I like to make my own mind up about people in any case. I met him for the first time a couple of weeks before and was struck my how attractive and charming he was. We started innocently sending the odd few-word emails, th conclusion of which was that he would fill me in on the few things "over a drink sometime."

 

On Tuesday, we spent pretty much the whole day emailing. It transpired that we have a lot in common and chatted happily about all kinds of things. The emails became increasingly flirtatious but I made it clear to him that I was not single. He is also not single but I understand from others that monogamy is not really on the cards for him. On Wednesday and Thursday, the emails continued and I agreed to go out for a drink with him next week after work. I know this probably isn't a good idea as there is clearly a lot of chemistry between us, but I'm intrigued by him and flattered by the attention.

 

A couple of the emails have been very blatent- speaking of me having something that he wants, and that he will continue to pursue me until he gets me...The truth is, this is screwing with my head a bit. I thought things were sorted, I really care for my BF and don't want to lose him or jeopardise my relationship with him. I know that the momentum of flirtation with my boss can't continue like this without action. I'm sort of thinking that we should go to lunch and talk about this so we both know where the other stands. Yes, I am attracted to him but I have every intention of remaining faithful. He's made it clear that he wants something to happen between us, and I'm sorry to say that it's crossed my mind too. How best can I deal with this?

 

I'm also concerned about office gossip. He sort of said something about us going out in front of a colleague and I pulled him up on this via email. He then came to apologise in private, saying something like he wasn't thinking of what he was saying because of my outfit. I dont want to give anyone the chance to speculate that something might be going on between us. I have confided in a very trusting friend at work about this who assures me that flirtation is fine as long as thats all it is.

 

I'm not so sure that's all it is, and I would really appreciate your input...

 

Thanks! VelocityGrrrl

[Curmudgeon]

There's no such thing as "harmless flirting" when it's between a boss and an employee and the former has made it clear he wants something more and is in a relationship as well, just like you say you are. Only harm will come from fishing in the company pond which will eventually lead to both personal and professional complications including potential job loss at worse or the resentment of your fellow employees since this guy can't keep his mouth shut.

 

His saying something was his way of "marking" you as his territory, much like a male dog lifting it's leg on a tree. You're headed for a slippery slope and my guess is that if anyone tumbles down it, it's going to be you.

 

While the individual and the challenge may be quite attractive, in the end I can see you with no job and no boyfriend while he'll simply go onto the next attractive woman in the workplace without giving you a passing thought.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

A couple of random thoughts:

1) How would you feel if your boyfriend was engaging in the same type of behavior as you? How would you feel if he was emailing a female colleague who told him that she would want to do him and kept asking him for drinks and lunch?

2) You are clearly disrespecting your boyfriend by not telling him what it is going on. You are playing with fire.

3) He is your boss and this will end badly.

4) You have already started an emotional affair with another man who has made it clear that he wants more from you.

5) You told him that you have a boyfriend and yet you continue to flirt, email and now plan on going to lunch and drinks with him. This is a huge mistake.

6) You are trying to rationalize your behavior with this OM and you cannot. The fact that you have kept all of this flirtation from your boyfriend clearly indicates that you know down deep what you have been doing is wrong.

7) The boss is a player and clearly wants to play you.

8) You are very foolish because you are putting your new relationship at risk and continue to be very disrespectful to your new boyfriend.

9) Two months into this great new relationship and you are flirting with your boss who is known as a player. What is wrong with this picture?

10) You need to inform your boyfriend what is going on now and stop the flirting with another man who not only wants to screw with your head but screw you also.

11) Again you would not want your new boyfriend to be flirting with another woman behind your back so why are you doing this to him?

12) If you can be so happy and connected with your new boyfriend and continue to flirt with another man behind his back, what does this say about your character?

13) Either your have honesty and respect in your relationship with your new boyfriend or you have deceipt and disrespect. The fact that you have hidden this from your boyfriend tells you your answer. You are on the path of self-destructing your relationship regardless of what you rationalize. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and unfortunately your actions speak volumes.

[Outcast]

Shoddy behaviour. The attention of a 'lothario' is nothing to feel flattered by. The fact is that his 'charm' is the tool he uses to trick a succession of naive fools into bed so he can polish his knob.

 

I never understood why smart women would fall for this kind of crap. All you'll be is one more notch in his already-shredded bedpost. Much more of an honour, IMHO, to be pursued by a man who is choosy and who believes in exclusivity.

 

You're all flattered about him wanting to use you. How nuts is that?

[amgine]

There's no such thing as "harmless flirting" when it's between a boss and an employee and the former has made it clear he wants something more and is in a relationship as well, just like you say you are. Only harm will come from fishing in the company pond which will eventually lead to both personal and professional complications including potential job loss at worse or the resentment of your fellow employees since this guy can't keep his mouth shut.

 

His saying something was his way of "marking" you as his territory, much like a male dog lifting it's leg on a tree. You're headed for a slippery slope and my guess is that if anyone tumbles down it, it's going to be you.

 

While the individual and the challenge may be quite attractive, in the end I can see you with no job and no boyfriend while he'll simply go onto the next attractive woman in the workplace without giving you a passing thought.

 

 

For once i have to agree with Curmudgeon, until recently i have always thought there could be such a thing as harmless flirting, but not anymore.

There will come a time when one wants more, looks like that time has come in your case. You have to decide what you want most of all. Be it your job, your bf or to go up a path that will be hard to come back from.

I'm in a similar situation and working out what to do myself

[Spectre]

You have to wonder if you truly respecet your bf. First you get a warning from your bosses former secretary about the way he is. Then, you still proceed to exchange emails with him back and forth, which in itself is wrong for a boss and employee to do unless its business related.

 

Also you make plans to have drinks with him and sometimes spend the entire day emailing him? that isn't how an honest faithful girlfriend acts, thats how someone shady acts. Ask yourself if your bf deserves to be with the kind of girl who will treat him right, or the kind of girl who will spend all day sending flirty emails to her boss and making plans to go out for drinks with him when she knows he isnt even single, which is like a big sign saying he's going to play you anyways.

 

To top it off, your solution to fix this is to go out to lunch with him? Thats like trying to put out a fire by throwing buckets of gasoline on it. If you want to keep your bf and settle this, just send your boss an email telling him to stop emailing you, etc. and that you have a bf. thats all it takes, no need to goto lunch with him or anything, why give him more of what he wants? which is chances to try to nail you out of the office. Don't cater to this scumbag. But then you need to ask yourself what happens when the next guy gives you attention

[hyakku]

I think I'm going to feel dirty for saying this but whatever.

 

Flirting is fine until you take action for it. That's not what I feel dirty about, its what I'm about to tell you that will potentially interfere in another man's courting process that makes me feel dirty. Anyway, here goes.

 

Stop flirting with him. Why? I have broken up relationships using this exact, same scenario. In fact, I have broken up relationships by telling the woman not to break up with her boyfriend in a way that made me MORE attractive to her (I don't think I should tell you how). I've had women start off being in relationships, I get them attracted to me, then they say they feel wrong because they never feel attracted to other guys in a relationship, and by saying such things like, "When you feel attracted to someone it doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings....." and some more, but if I told you that I could be seriously screwed over.

 

Anyway look, I know I'm dicking over another guys chance and I feel bad, but for some reason you really seem like you like your boyfriend. So I will tell you what to do so you won't ruin your relationship. Stop flirting with your boss, keep it platonic, otherwise you will end up feeling guilty, and may end up breaking up with your boyfriend because you "shouldnt" feel that way when you're with another man (though I don't agree with that but whatever).

[SoleMate]

Curmudgeon said it perfectly. Try to open your eyes and see this man for who he is. A user who just found a new toy to play with for a while. The toy is YOU.

 

If you see things more clearly, I hope his lavish attentions will start to look repellent rather than attractive. This will inevitably end up 1 to 100 months down the road, with you moaning, "How could I have been so blind, so foolish, and so easy for him to use?" If it's only 1 month, lucky you. Some women fall into this quagmire and waste major chunks of their precious lives dancing to someone else's tune. (Which is quite a feat if you're trapped in a quagmire, I just realized.)

 

If you care about your bf, and trust him, then I suggest telling him the truth about how your boss is pursuing you and you are getting your head turned around. Ask for his help. The truth is a powerful weapon.

[mental_traveller]

There's no such thing as "harmless flirting" when it's between a boss and an employee and the former has made it clear he wants something more and is in a relationship as well, just like you say you are. Only harm will come from fishing in the company pond which will eventually lead to both personal and professional complications including potential job loss at worse or the resentment of your fellow employees since this guy can't keep his mouth shut.

 

His saying something was his way of "marking" you as his territory, much like a male dog lifting it's leg on a tree. You're headed for a slippery slope and my guess is that if anyone tumbles down it, it's going to be you.

 

While the individual and the challenge may be quite attractive, in the end I can see you with no job and no boyfriend while he'll simply go onto the next attractive woman in the workplace without giving you a passing thought.

 

Wise words indeed.

 

To the original poster, you've already gone too far. If I was in your bfs shoes and found out, I would dump you on the spot.

 

Flirting with a guy who has shown interest in you is simply wrong, if you are being faithful to someone else. Meeting a guy who wants to f**k you is way out of line. The fact is you need to change boss, job, or bf, and do it now.

[whichwayisup]

Flirting isn't supposed to "mean" anything or be taken out of context. If you are having 'feelings' for the person who is flirting with you or you're flirting with "intention" and curiosity, then it's not flirting.

 

There are different ways of flirting with someone that doesn't mean anything and it's no big deal. Though in your case, that isn't it. This type of flirting is opening the door a crack and allowing the bar to raise in what is and isn't safe.

[Cecelius]

I support all of the above. Traveller said it as I would: If I were the b/f, you'd be gone.

 

And it doesn't matter that he doesn't know about this -- there is right and wrong, whether anyone knows about it or not. You've reduced your status by your actions.

 

Plus you are using the dangerous language that people do when they want to be out of control "screwing with my head," that you don't "intend" to do anything wrong to your b/f (rather than that you won't) -- this is the language of the kind of young, mentally weak girls that hyakku was pulling (hyakku, no slam on you... you have game, more power to you).

 

The best thing you could do is dump the boyfriend.

 

Barring that, you come clean with him but find another job before you do that.

[No Stress Lady]

 

I'm also concerned about office gossip. He sort of said something about us going out in front of a colleague and I pulled him up on this via email. He then came to apologise in private, saying something like he wasn't thinking of what he was saying because of my outfit. I dont want to give anyone the chance to speculate that something might be going on between us. I have confided in a very trusting friend at work about this who assures me that flirtation is fine as long as thats all it is.

 

I'm not so sure that's all it is, and I would really appreciate your input...

 

Thanks! VelocityGrrrl

 

:sick: Eeuwww - he sounds like a TOTAL cheeseball (sleazeball???) - I'd stay WELL clear of this guy.

 

Not only is he smarmy and tacky he's also indiscreet. And I'd put money on him pulling the same trick on a whole load of female colleagues in the past and in the future.

 

If you value your job and the respect of your colleagues give him a wide berth.

[mental_traveller]

There are different ways of flirting with someone that doesn't mean anything and it's no big deal. Though in your case, that isn't it. This type of flirting is opening the door a crack and allowing the bar to raise in what is and isn't safe.

 

They might not mean anything to you. That doesn't mean other people share your view.

 

IMO there is no such thing as harmless flirtation.

[Guest]

IMO there is no such thing as harmless flirtation.

 

i'm with you. every incident i've seen of this has just been a way to test the waters to see if the other person is responsive, if the opportunity to get away with it presents itself, etc. i suppose there might be some who flirt to raise their self-esteem or look for something they don't get at home, but that still doesn't make it any better for their significant other.