I screwed up...

[bendit]

I am sorry you grew up without a father. That's sad and I wish that wasn't the case for you. But maybe that's where you have to look. I suggest you get a book called "no more mr nice guy" by GLOVER. How has your approval seeking with women worked for you over the years? How is it working now? I can relate. It doesn't work. PERIOD. If you keep being the nice guy who gets trampled on you will continue to be met with pain and frustration with your relationships with women. Get the book and OPEN YOUR MIND up.

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

Normally, I don't agree with bendit, be you're an extreme case Mr. G.

 

Can I admit something that might be really insulting?

 

I find your passivity disgusting.

 

I'm really sorry, but I'm saying this as a girl. That level of doormat truly is repulsing. You need to find a new level of strength in order to balance yourself. Self-reliance and confidence in a guy is attracting when it comes with the nice-guy tendencies. Doormat "I'll do anything for you!" syndrome is not attractive, and a girl will only use a guy like this until something better catches her eye.

[mr.gerbick]

I agree I need to take some action. I agree with your first post to the "T". All I meant about the second post was that I just don't want to act like one of those obnoxious over-confident guys, they really do annoy me. Why would I want to turn out like someone I despise. Now, I agree that I do need to be more confident and take action. I believe a relationship should 50/50, that is the kind of relationship I am seeking. I want to care fore someone that cares for me. Right now, this is 99/1.

 

I did stand up for what I believed in and did not back down about a specific subject, which is what led us to our break up initally. So do you think she is just accustom to the way I have been for so long, that even if I changed she will not accept it? I am going to tell her today how I feel, bc I do feel like a chump. I guess we will see what happens with that. What is your suggestions for this specific situation? as far as going about it? I did read your posts, but it seems that you are talking in the sense of just drop her and move on, and handling things different in the future with other relationships.

[KittenMoon]

I did read your posts, but it seems that you are talking in the sense of just drop her and move on, and handling things different in the future with other relationships.

 

It sounds less and less like she respects you at all, so maybe you need to consider doing this.

[mr.gerbick]

her excuse is that I am coming at her like 240mph and she wants to take it slow.

[KittenMoon]

her excuse is that I am coming at her like 240mph and she wants to take it slow.

 

That's not the issue. The issue is that she's demanding work from you (no matter how slow) without giving anything on her end.

 

What has SHE done for you?

[bendit]

m_g, your chances with this woman would be greater if you let her go FOR NOW and went NC and give her a chance to miss you some. Instead you are giving her daily doses of MR NEEDY. You have to prove to her that you can live without her. Instead you are kind of forcing yourself on her. You are doing things backwards.

 

You have to be strong enough to be able to let her go in the hopes that this show of strength makes her feel more attracted to you. Its counterintutive to you. I know that you think that she is the ONLY WOMAN in the world for you (that's unhealthy btw). But if you don't let go and act as if you are a prize and somebody worth having, she isn't going to take you back.

 

I would look for CALIGUYS guide to second chances. You are so needy with her and that has got to scare her. On a certain level she knows it isn't going to work and she knows how devastated you will be if it doesn't. She doesn't want to hurt you.

 

You have to start doing things exactly opposite of your INSTINCTS. Unfortunately your INSTINCTS are not going to serve you well here. Doing things counter to your natural tendencies will give you the best chance at her again.

 

I think you need to start over and get some different skills with women that allow you to have a more balanced relationship. So you have to be ready to let this one go man as hard as that is. You have to get some more tools in the tool box so that next time you can give yourself a fighting chance out there in the dating world. Learn how to be the prize. Learn to be less needy.

 

regards

[mr.gerbick]

I wasn't always as needy as it seems. I was actually pretty laid back in the relationship and she was the needy one. When we decided to break up I was cool with it. She was the one sending emails of her emotions and whatnot. I was cool for the six months we were apart, I showed no sign of neediness whatsoever. As soon as I found out she slept with someone during our time apart, that is when and why I fell apart. I am not sure why, and I still ask myself that question until this day. Why do you think that is?

[bendit]

You were ALWAYS needy. you don't just become needy after an event. It just wasn't evident before. You thought you had no reason to worry with her, that all was just perfect in your relationship. You thought you were in control. and as long as you thought that, your neediness could be tucked away in the closet. But when things changed and your view of her was challenged all that neediness you have came out. That neediness was always there. Your NEED, her, was now in real danger of going away. You realized you were not really her everything, that you weren't her ideal man. that you could be replaced. and when you discovered you were replaceable the neediness that is a part of you came out on full display. now she is in charge and she has exposed you as MR NEEDY.

 

What matters though is you are needy NOW. Very very needy. And that is unattractive. That is too much pressure to put on a person. Your happiness is dependent on HER and she realizes that and she knows that no person can live up to being able to make another happy. So she is naturally wary. She does not want the responsibility of your happiness on her shoulders.

 

If you could prove you could be happy without her, it would make you much more attractive as a partner to her. You have to try and go against your instincts here and be the prize, the strong man who can manage just fine without her, indeed, without ANY woman. If you manage that, you may get her back; but if you don't I guarantee you will be very attractive to many other women out there.

 

regards

[mr.gerbick]

I somewhat confronted her about the issue I had with the phone call, I am sure this conversation is going to continue, but here is what I said:

 

its not funny, I am really not trying to be mean, but I just am doing

all these nice things, which I want to, and I really don't feel like

I ask for much at all, but it is so hard to get anything, let alone a

phone call, that you said you were going to try to make out of you.

 

her response:

 

Your building expectations from me already & you know I am trying to take it slow....we already act like we are back together and you want me to get even more into it...it is hard & yet you ARE pressuring me & making me feel bad BECAUSE I CONTINUE to tell you to SLOW DOWN & yet you continue to make me feel bad & ask for more & more from me. If you cant handle being so nice when we are not back together yet w/o expecting things from me then DON'T DO IT....slow down & we can work on it when we get to that point. When things like the little text I sent on my own last night was a start for me I cant believe you are already pressuring me to have called instead...I don't know what to say but you are just making this harder for me.

 

my response to that:

 

more and more? I was just asking for a phone call. You supposedly want to get back with me too. Shouldn't that make it 50/50?? I want to do nice things, and I feel like I have to otherwise I won't get ANYTHING from you. Can you honestly say that I would have gotten a text message last night if I wouldn't have sent flowers?? I mean c'mon.

 

still waiting for her response.

[GB111]

I'm with Bendit. I made the same mistake a few months ago. In the time I was being needy, my ex was with 2 men. Slept with them both, and I still kept grovelling. What an ass I was. Now, she's still with the second guy and won't talk to me. Why? Because I was pathetic and women hate that. Not only should I have acted like the prize, I AM the prize. I managed to build a $9.00/hr. deli worker into a princess. I'm sure she still figures she can have me any time she wants b/c I was at her beck and call for 3 months! Only 1 month of NC now and nothing from her. Even her Sister said she still loved me when we broke up, but now there was nothing left. What changed? Absolutely nothing except that I was pathetic. Lesson learned, and I'm passing it on to you.

 

You really have to cool off. Don't pressure her. If she doesn't want to call, so be it. You've built a mountain out of a molehill and she's getting fed up. She'll be back if you cool down.

 

GB

[bendit]

Dude, she is serving it up to you on a silver platter but you DON"T LISTEN. You can't see it. You have a blind spot. You are in denial. Read what she SAID. She said to back off. What about what she said don't you understand? She is saying exactly what I have been saying. Yet you wrote what she said out word for word and you still don't get it. She is saying BACK OFF. What exactly do you think might happen if YOU back off? Will the world stop spinning? Will she disappear? Will she find someone else? What exactly frightens you so much about BACKING OFF? Man I can't blame her one bit. She is telling you what to do. I am telling you what to do. But you won't do it. Why? What scares you about letting go?

 

regards

[Numbheart]

I somewhat confronted her about the issue I had with the phone call, I am sure this conversation is going to continue, but here is what I said:

 

its not funny, I am really not trying to be mean, but I just am doing

all these nice things, which I want to, and I really don't feel like

I ask for much at all, but it is so hard to get anything, let alone a

phone call, that you said you were going to try to make out of you.

 

her response:

 

Your building expectations from me already & you know I am trying to take it slow....we already act like we are back together and you want me to get even more into it...it is hard & yet you ARE pressuring me & making me feel bad BECAUSE I CONTINUE to tell you to SLOW DOWN & yet you continue to make me feel bad & ask for more & more from me. If you cant handle being so nice when we are not back together yet w/o expecting things from me then DON'T DO IT....slow down & we can work on it when we get to that point. When things like the little text I sent on my own last night was a start for me I cant believe you are already pressuring me to have called instead...I don't know what to say but you are just making this harder for me.

 

my response to that:

 

more and more? I was just asking for a phone call. You supposedly want to get back with me too. Shouldn't that make it 50/50?? I want to do nice things, and I feel like I have to otherwise I won't get ANYTHING from you. Can you honestly say that I would have gotten a text message last night if I wouldn't have sent flowers?? I mean c'mon.

 

still waiting for her response.

 

Mate!...how many more times do you need to be told?!!!...CHILL OUT!....you think you are but your not.

The above is a PRIME example.

I honestly dont think you realise your doing it at times.

Even when she tells you bluntly, you still go back at it with confrontation.

I can see her frustration with you because I'm starting to feel it also!!

I said if you carry on like this it will be your downfall, its starting to happen.

I'm now inclined to agree with others, leave it all, back off completely and above all stop questioning her about her every action....no-one can live with that.

[mr.gerbick]

I just got off the phone with her. She called me. We got into it about a few things, I read her some of your posts. She said that a lot of it is true, but not all of it. She said she is not asking me for anything, except for time and space and to take it slow. The conversation was like an hour and we got into a lot of things. Where I just told her, fine, just call me when you are ready to talk, I will leave you alone until you are ready to talk or whatever. She still had the nerve to say well, we are supposed to hang out tomorrow and we can talk more then. I was like...I don't think tomorrow is such a good idea anymore, because when I hang out with her and if we have a good time, then I just want to see her more and more, but she wants to take it slow. I think she is a liitle goofy in the head too. So, I just told her to call me when she is ready to talk. I need to work on myself.

 

Ever since I found out she slept with that guy, I have been in a pit of depression. I feel like a piece of sh*t, because I wasn't able to make her happy. I go to sleep with anxiety and wake up with anxiety, and spend most of the day in anxiety. It is hard to focus on things, because she is on my mind ALL THE TIME. I have a slew of questions roaming around in my head, that I don't think will ever get answered.

 

I asked her, would we even be talking about getting back together if I didn't pour my heart out to you? she said, probably not. I responded with, well then don't tell me that you aren't asking for anything then!

 

I guess a big part of me not wanting to let go is because I hate the fact that she did what she did, then gets frustrated with me, when what she did is what made me frustrated and the way I am now. She gets to make all the calls, when I never asked for any of this....it's just not fair. We were together for six years, you can lose a lot of your individual identity in six years, I guess that is why it is so hard for me to back off. I feel I need her in a way to get through this.

[mr.gerbick]

I feel like my new girlfriend is anxiety. One thing I forgot, she said her biggest concern out of all of this is that I have issues with the relationship and issues with myself and that I need to deal with my personal issues before I can deal with the relationship issues. Do you think that is accurate? because all of these issues are spawined from the relationship issues.

[Guest]

because when I hang out with her and if we have a good time, then I just want to see her more and more, but she wants to take it slow. I think she is a liitle goofy in the head too. So, I just told her to call me when she is ready to talk. I need to work on myself.

 

 

Yes you do.

The bit above is the bit you need to look at more, step up and be a man with it.....taking things slow is NOT clinging to her when your having a good time and wanting more, more, more...that is me, me, me!

Taking it slow is having a good time, then realising the point at which to depart, leaving things on a good note and having her feel like she wants more.

When you feel like you want more, thats the time to leave.

 

Thats what shes been trying to tell you all through this, but you dont back off, you keep the pressure on her, shes either gonna turn around and end up whacking you a good one, or hurt you real bad.

[Numbheart]

she said her biggest concern out of all of this is that I have issues with the relationship and issues with myself and that I need to deal with my personal issues before I can deal with the relationship issues. Do you think that is accurate? because all of these issues are spawined from the relationship issues.

 

I'm really gonna have to bang your head against a wall here eh?

YES!!

Come here an let me grab u an find a wall.

[bendit]

wanna know what I think? I think you are a DRAMA king..I think its more important for you to have relationship DRAMA than it is to have sanity and peace. I see no other explanation for why you simply ignore the advice you are given as if it was never offered and keep doing the same thing over and over again. I think you CRAVE ATTENTION, be it from your GF (who is tired of it), or the good folks on LS who sincerely want to help, to their LIMITS. And when I see that I exit stage left. And yes, craving attention is a HALLMARK of needy behavior.

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

wanna know what I think? I think you are a DRAMA king..I think its more important for you to have relationship DRAMA than it is to have sanity and peace. I see no other explanation for why you simply ignore the advice you are given as if it was never offered and keep doing the same thing over and over again. I think you CRAVE ATTENTION, be it from your GF (who is tired of it), or the good folks on LS who sincerely want to help, to their LIMITS. And when I see that I exit stage left. And yes, craving attention is a HALLMARK of needy behavior.

 

regards

 

I'll repeat what bendit said a little nicer.

 

You're chewing the same old bone over and over, Mr. G. Anxiety is destroying your second chance... something some of us pray for every moment of every day.

[mr.gerbick]

No....I am not a drama king! I gaurantee that! I hate drama! I was always a very relaxed person, she even used to say that sometimes in the relationship I was too relaxed. I swear I am not an attention whore. I am an over-analyst, I have always been, about everything. Things, just don't register to me as black & white, they never really have.

 

I think that is the reason I am NOT getting anything through my head about this situation, because I never had to deal with something like this before, where I have had such strong emotions. Honestly, don't think I am not taking what you say into consideration, I really am, but after dealing with 6 weeks of this confusion and frustration, from trying to forget about her, to talking about getting back together, it is hard to just impliment something within the mattters of a few hours. I really do appreciate all of your advice and I am not ignoring it.

[mr.gerbick]

I never craved attention from her or from forums. Feeling like this is very new to me, as I am trying to get over it and move on, I am also trying to understand it, because I seriously have never dealt with feelings like this, I have always been able to just blow things off like they were nothing. This is why this is all very very confusing to me.

[Sup]

Just DROP HER! End the relationship!

[mr.gerbick]

I know I am being a drama king now...but I was never one before, honestly. Everything I have or had just fell to pieces all at once. I lost her initially, lost my job (not due to her, the company went under), failed all my classes this semester at school (due to focusing on these issues), and have obviously lost my self confidence, esteem and sanity temporarily (hopefully). I feel like I am at rock bottom right now and that her reassurance on how she feels about me, not particularly the situation, is what I am clinging on to, I believe. I feel like I am running on fumes and that reassunace is the fumes. Maybe that is the reason it is so hard for me to back off. I don't have all the answers, but I am doing some deep digging for them. I appreciate all of the suggestions that had to do with dealing with her, but are they any suggestions on dealing with my whole situation? cause I believe it is just everything happening at once that is what is holding me down.

[mr.gerbick]

I was fine with our 6 months of seperation, I got a little down here and there, but I was able to function. We did NC for that six months, well more like 4 months, and I was seriously cool with it. She was the one emailing me here and there. When I found out she slept with someone, that is when I fell to pieces and got all needy and clingy. Does anyone know why that is? Why would I be cool before and after that get all needy? I really just want to understand all of this.

[dreamguy]

Have you ever heard Tom Jones` song "Fall in Love" ?

The words go like this:

 

All those things I heard about you

I thought they were only lies

But when I caught you in his arms

I just broke down and cried

 

First lesson in Psychology 101: "We all want what we CANNOT have".

When you know your ex has been with someone else it bothers you because this kills any hope (you had and kept for the last 6 months) that she might still love and desire you.

 

I have learned this the hard way (I suffered more than you can imagine) but I then understood that the way to lead a healthy life is to give your job/friends/dreams 60% and your lover 40% of yourself !

Trust me, this attracts women much more. Make them feel you have an active life and they somehow have to struggle a bit to fit into it. It makes you a challenge.

 

If you want my advice... the fact that your ex decided to sleep with another man does not make YOU less of a man in any way. You're still the same guy so pick yourself up, blow the dust off and move on man ! Life should never revolve around 1 person. Don't be the clingy and needy guy you said you became... this will only drive her (and any other woman for that matter) away.