Walking away Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 You are doing fine. Another day done. Take each day at a time. That is all you can do.
SHortyAnGel Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 honestly...when I tried NC with out telling him...is when he panicked..ringing me none stop and such..so I don't think so. the knowing part makes it final and no mystery I was thinking of doing that... change my number & all... I miss him & he only a walking distance away...I need to to this... for my own sanity... i just dont know where to start... & not seem needy.. am i making any sense?
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Do they really hope we'll cave? My mind tells me he's relieved I haven't. Why doesn't my mind say things like "he's going to realize one day what he's lost" or " he's got to have hard times with this just like me"... He has an amazing capacity for staying "on task" so I assume this is just as easy as any other task set before him. UGH! I don't think that consciously they do, no! I'm sure that my MM is hoping I'll stay strong!!! BUT... underneath all that, they must feel that us caving is a possibility... so until they can see for certain that we're not caving, they believe (deep inside) that they may never have to do what they need to do. I posted a quote from a book I was reading during my first week of NC which re-inforced that idea to me: "We all know the difficulty of carrying out a resolve when we secretly long that it may turn out to be unnecessary." (Eliot, Middlemarch). Now... why is it that your mind is telling you all the negative things and not the positive (true!) ones..? It's because it's trying to get you to cave! You know that the present pain will end if you contact him. So your mind knows this and tries everything it can to get you to do that, and end this pain. Besides which, if you're anything like me, your mind has been full of doubts and fears the entire length of the A... it's become your natural state of mind. And in the past, you've called on him to allay those fears... and you still want to do that. You want his words of comfort... and you can't have them. So the fears get out of control... What I've been doing is not listening to those voices. Instead, I'll read a couple of his old texts. Or go over in my mind the things he said to me last time we spoke. Pretend I've just heard them. If you want to compare it to giving up smoking, these old emails are my nicotine patches Any trick that works to stop myself spiralling down the negatives. Eventually, with practice, this works so that if I get a negative thought... I can just dismiss it. I'm not even thinking now about negatives... I'm not thinking anything to be honest. I think my mind has given up on that route for the time being... Lastly, I know what you mean about the MM being able to cut off his feelings and get on with life. That's exactly what MM said to me he would do last NC. He said he'd close down on life, forget everything, and just go about his business. It worries me now like it worried me then. But I know... that it's unlikely he could do that forever... what kind of life would that be..? But... (don't panic)... that is his choice. It's the chance I have to take, because I don't want to be his OW. I'm going to face that and not panic. But look... after almost 4 weeks of NC I can report that I am doing exactly what he did... I've successfully (I think!) got my head down, and am getting on with life. The cravings have more or less gone... the habit of talking to him daily has gone. I'm in a much better position than I was last week, and certainly than the week before. You too will get to that position, and feel that strength. Now you may feel OMG! That means we'll both be sticking it out and nothing will ever happen!! And... (don't panic) that might be true. But ask yourself... would it be better if you were weak and contacting him..? Would your future with him be more assured if you crumbled every time you missed his voice..? The answer to that is NO. You have a MUCH better chance of success in this if you are strong. And you'll only get strong by perservering, not by caving.
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I know my MM might not see it now but I guarantee the first time after NC when the wife treats him like he's a two year old he will be thinking differently. This is what I think, too. Of course they can go on... for weeks, months... maybe longer. But they were unhappy before we came, and they continue to be unhappy... and all it takes is an incident... a lowering of spirits... or something of that nature to upset their 'head down' approach. Their true needs and feelings will win out in the end. Whatever they are, they will win out.
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I was thinking of doing that... change my number & all... I miss him & he only a walking distance away...I need to to this... for my own sanity... i just dont know where to start... & not seem needy.. am i making any sense? Hello... why are you worried about seeming needy? Surely by telling him you are going to do NC you are demonstrating your strength and self-regard? You do need to tell him you are going NC... because if you don't, he'll keep trying to contact you. Especially if he lives around the corner, it's no use changing your numbers. Why is it you want to go NC? If you could outline it to us we could help you think about what to tell him.
Jessie61 Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Hello... why are you worried about seeming needy? Surely by telling him you are going to do NC you are demonstrating your strength and self-regard? I agree. I don't think there is anything needy in saying "I want more than this, because I deserve better. Now YOU decide what you want to do once and for all. If you decide to stay with W, then I am off!" That is strength and self regard! And tonnes of it!!!
Iwanttohope Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 This is what I think, too. Of course they can go on... for weeks, months... maybe longer. But they were unhappy before we came, and they continue to be unhappy... and all it takes is an incident... a lowering of spirits... or something of that nature to upset their 'head down' approach. Their true needs and feelings will win out in the end. Whatever they are, they will win out. I didn't even think about that... Sometimes my mind tells me I've been the catalyst to make their marriage a storybook relationship but that simply cannot be true. His W is the same person that she was before and can no more change their problems in six weeks of separation than I can change the tides of the ocean! I think his goal is to work on his problems and live on the surface with his head down, forging ahead with determination. It has to back up on him at some point simply because he is human. In my lucid moments I realize these things. I wish my lucid moments were the norm! His W can purpose to want to save her marriage but isn't that much easier said than done?
Sami_D Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 "I wish my lucid moments were the norm!" Ha ha ha... me too. Sometimes my mind tells me I've been the catalyst to make their marriage a storybook relationship but that simply cannot be true. His W is the same person that she was before and can no more change their problems in six weeks of separation than I can change the tides of the ocean! I think his goal is to work on his problems and live on the surface with his head down, forging ahead with determination. It has to back up on him at some point simply because he is human. In my lucid moments I realize these things. I wish my lucid moments were the norm! His W can purpose to want to save her marriage but isn't that much easier said than done? NOW you're thinking straight
SHortyAnGel Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 Hello... why are you worried about seeming needy? Surely by telling him you are going to do NC you are demonstrating your strength and self-regard? You do need to tell him you are going NC... because if you don't, he'll keep trying to contact you. Especially if he lives around the corner, it's no use changing your numbers. Why is it you want to go NC? If you could outline it to us we could help you think about what to tell him. I have been w/ MM for abt 2 yrs... We had a discussion ONCE abt him leaving.... he is scared & i ackn that.. it has come to the point were i cant even see myself w/ anyone else..... we fight all the time BUT it more a playful thing wanting to know how far we can take it... stoopid yeh! BUT at least we get to say if sumfin annoys us....i have tried to date other guys but eddiot is constantly on my mind... that i cant even get intimate w/ them...i know i want more... BUT i dont know how to get it... am i making any sense?? i am only 24 & i know life has more to offer... but still.. =[ Grrr...
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 ... We had a discussion ONCE abt him leaving.... he is scared ... ... we fight all the time ... ...i know i want more... BUT i dont know how to get it... am i making any sense OK.. what is it that you're fighting about if not him leaving? You want more... you mean you want him to leave? Why not tell him that?
SHortyAnGel Posted May 23, 2006 Posted May 23, 2006 OK.. what is it that you're fighting about if not him leaving? The only thing we fight about is stupid couple stuff... Whenever he tries to express his feelings i start questioning everyhting & he hates the fact that i cant just accept that.... that i have to know all & i dont just go w/ the flow... i Think there may be a trust issue ... on both parts... You want more... you mean you want him to leave? Why not tell him that? Yes, i want more.... i want to be happy w/ him =] i dont know how to tell him? advise needed?
Jessie61 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Yes, i want more.... i want to be happy w/ him =] i dont know how to tell him? advise needed? SG, Sorry if I am butting into this conversation. But I think that you just need to say it. Yes, say it just like that "I want more". I would also add "because I deserve better than this". Why say it out straight like than instead of more subtle ways? Well, IMO, it sounds more confident than to mumble something vague. AND men are sometimes slow to understand what we tell them unless it is straightforward... (Think "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" etc)
Guest Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 SG, Sorry if I am butting into this conversation. But I think that you just need to say it. Yes, say it just like that "I want more". I would also add "because I deserve better than this". Why say it out straight like than instead of more subtle ways? Well, IMO, it sounds more confident than to mumble something vague. AND men are sometimes slow to understand what we tell them unless it is straightforward... (Think "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" etc) The trouble being, i have done that... i have asked him.. are you happy?.. he says half... ONLY cause his son is there...I understand... come on how understanding does he expect me to be?.. i ackn his son & i know & fine w/ the fact he is his #1 priority... why is it so hard to consider me as a his #1 Girl?... he scared it wont work... i told him its a risk... never been discussed again.... I think that we all nice ppls that are caught up in web of lies... &we need 2 get out.. The prob being that we got caught & he came back.. why? i dont know... sooo his is basically on a tight leash.. time together is monitored & limited... we cant have "the talk" witihin a couple of mins... ive tried writing a letter BUT where do we find the time to discuss the letter?... The stupid thing is that IF he was just after the "sex' would he call constantly & get jealous over every little thing or is it a MM trait? Right now i am going on a NC mode ( wish me luck =[ ) purley to see what he does... i dont want to tell him cause i know i need to find the stregth to tell him to gooo... ignoring him is much more easier... ( i know stupid)... i need to keep my sanity.... i have guys chasing me & i cant seem to look past the this guy isnt MM.... but when i look @ MM i find myself wandering... why u??? i am so confused & stressed right now... i am only 24... i want a normal R for one... & yes this is my first experience emotionally & Mentqally & pHYSICALLY..... NC i think is the only way... until i can get a new number might swap w/ my bro... will see one step @ a time..... Ahhh... Help!... *sob sob*
SHortyAnGel Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 SG, Sorry if I am butting into this conversation. But I think that you just need to say it. Yes, say it just like that "I want more". I would also add "because I deserve better than this". Why say it out straight like than instead of more subtle ways? Well, IMO, it sounds more confident than to mumble something vague. AND men are sometimes slow to understand what we tell them unless it is straightforward... (Think "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" etc) We have discussed the concept of him leaving.. ONCE! & what came out of that convo was that he was scared that if ever he did anything it would not work w/ us....I dont think he feels i would stay by his side... i really dont know... I have decided today i will proceed w/ NC .. Why?... coz i feel that he has taken me for granted... early on the A he worked so damn hard to capture my attention & nomatter how much of a B***ch i was to him, it made him want me more... its like i guess tryn to tame a wild horse.... eventually i caved... ( stoopid!) & lost my abilty to hold my ground ONLY when it comes to him anyways & i think he can sense that....I need me back... & the only way is to quite cold turkey... RITE?... 2 years i am still here.... I dont know how to tell him that IF i didnt feel any sort of feelings for him, i wouldnt stay EVEN after we got caught.. he still managed to find me... WHY? i dont know.... Yes, I can see myself w/ him & yes i ackn the fact he has a son... & i will not get in the way of that.... trust me . he did ask what my family would think if i brought him & his son home to meet them... i simply said they will be fine... afterall i have been rasing my brother son since he was 10mnths he is now 4.. so experience is there... I just dont know how to trigger a thought in his head to look @ me.. as in ME!... ( am i making sense?)....he was my first EVERYTHING!... & he knows that & he afraid that i will go out there & expriement! HmmM.... sounds like a good option?? ha ha My friends have offered me advice & the main factor is that they dont know what i am going through they can only assume... I am so glad i found this forum...more experience = ] Thanks peoples... HOpe i can handle NC... its hard!... i even deleted his # on my fone...so i am not tempted...
rossm Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 men are sometimes slow to understand what we tell them unless it is straightforward... You're right there. Being perceptive is generally not a characteristic you see in most males.
movinon05 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 We have discussed the concept of him leaving.. ONCE! & what came out of that convo was that he was scared that if ever he did anything it would not work w/ us....I dont think he feels i would stay by his side... i really dont know... My exMM used to say this to me. All the time. Even after I got divorced! How much more proof did he need? This angered me so much. Once again, it comes down to a leap of faith. I took the leap because of his promises and was left out in the cold. It goes both ways. He could change his mind too or have another A down the line. If he needs to leave his M, he needs to do it because its truly over, not because he needs another Mommy to take care of him. He's giving you excuses.
Jessie61 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 You're right there. Being perceptive is generally not a characteristic you see in most males. Actually, I realised afterwards that my comment COULD be interpreted as an insult to males, even though that was the last thing on my mind! I have just realised that men and women DO communicate in different ways!
Jessie61 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 We have discussed the concept of him leaving.. ONCE! & what came out of that convo was that he was scared that if ever he did anything it would not work w/ us....I dont think he feels i would stay by his side... i really dont know... Well, if that is what he has said, then that is what he has said, isn't it? It doesn't leave YOU in a very good situation, does it? On the face of it, all he has to offer is for you to be the OW. At least for the time being. Can you accept that? If not, then I would say that NC is the only way to go, I'm afraid.
SHortyAnGel Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Well, if that is what he has said, then that is what he has said, isn't it? It doesn't leave YOU in a very good situation, does it? On the face of it, all he has to offer is for you to be the OW. At least for the time being. Can you accept that? If not, then I would say that NC is the only way to go, I'm afraid. I think i can do it... NC is the only way i feel..( never really tried it) intentionally anyways... =] CAn i accept it? - No... Am i willing to wait for him - No! I dont want to be the OW anymore BUT i dont want to lose him... ( stoopid aye?).... i have to be strong Rite?...
movinon05 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 Somebody find that post by Old Europe for Shorty!! (in case she hasn't seen it, maybe it will give her another perspective.)
Jessie61 Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 I think i can do it... NC is the only way i feel..( never really tried it) intentionally anyways... =] CAn i accept it? - No... Am i willing to wait for him - No! I dont want to be the OW anymore BUT i dont want to lose him... ( stoopid aye?).... i have to be strong Rite?... Well, you see I think that you need do decide for yourself what you want to do. In the same way you need to "talk straight", you also need to show that you act with the same clear message. So, if you decide to do NC, you have to be prepared for the possibility that you might lose him... But if that happens, surely that is better than to waste more time on something that was never going to happen anyway??? You are still young and you have so many things to look forward to, and so many possibilities. You don't HAVE to sacrifice your life for this guy unless he is willing to treat you the way you want to be treated!
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 In the same way you need to "talk straight", you also need to show that you act with the same clear message. This is absolutely critical. It's no use whatever to keep telling MM what you want, what you won't stand for, what you need him to do... however much he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you it's just so much blah blah blah to him until you DO SOMETHING. Like walk away.
SHortyAnGel Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 This is absolutely critical. It's no use whatever to keep telling MM what you want, what you won't stand for, what you need him to do... however much he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you it's just so much blah blah blah to him until you DO SOMETHING. Like walk away. Well im am on my second day of NC... deleted his ph# on my phone & all.... i am so hanging @ the moment... you would think i would be used to it after 2 yrs.... the scary thing is that i dont even know if he would care if i go... i never called him it was always him.. BUT i always had my phone w/ me to ensure that i am always there... there is the needy part - from me.... I just want it to be easy... I want it all to go away... i have learnt alot form him... as he was my FIRST EVERYTHING so basically @ this stage he is all i have ever had... & to scared to explore to get out of my comfort zone... to someone that may not even like my weirdness... =p I know they had issues & have tried to work it out & i guess it didnt work his back to me..... i just sit & listen to his woes.. blah blah blah... i just had enough... i go through role plays in my head to IF he calls eventually ( IF)... & i sound really good i just hope i can to it when it all come to light.. i am so scared... im scared of being in a R w/ anyone.... i know I AM A HOPELESS CASE!
Sami_D Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 i go through role plays in my head to IF he calls eventually ( IF)... & i sound really good i just hope i can to it when it all come to light.. i am so scared... im scared of being in a R w/ anyone.... i know I AM A HOPELESS CASE![/b] You're not a hopeless case at all. We all go through these fears in our minds (at least I do!). What you have to do is practice ignoring them, rising above them. You're doing well. Have you got his number on blocked so he can't call you?
SHortyAnGel Posted May 25, 2006 Posted May 25, 2006 You're not a hopeless case at all. We all go through these fears in our minds (at least I do!). What you have to do is practice ignoring them, rising above them. You're doing well. Have you got his number on blocked so he can't call you? Thanks SAmi! hopefully i can suceed... going back to school to basically keep myself bz as well as full time work... ArrrGh!.. its all good... I cant block his #.. he calls me on a Private Line...So yeh.. EVEN if i changed my number we have mutual friends that dont know anything so they will give my # to him...SO Yeh!.. i think i just need my words ready... to tell him "straight".... wish me luck! *sob*
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