Attitude Nosedive -

[Vega]

If you've seen some of my recent postings (esp. in the business section) you can see my frustration and bitterness.

 

I KNOW I have a bad attitude. After decades of being beat down how do I pull myself up? I have no confidence or self-esteem anymore and I don't know how to regain it. I'm looking for a new job, but I am afraid I'm going to take this chip on my shoulder with me.

 

I'm going to see a doctor next week as soon as I can get an appointment and I'm starting to eat better (well, started today) but how do I adjust my attitude when I face an onslaught of negativity and beratement each day at work?

 

I don't have any support system outside of work and I don't have it in me anymore to pick myself up. I've been knocked down so much that I feel crippled and unable to get up at all.

 

I took it for decades - constant belittling and 'not good enough' comments even though I have prooved to the company and myself that I AM good enough. I have stayed 'alive' in the work world because of my good work product - I have not given anyone a reason to get rid of me until lately when I finally reached my breaking point. I can't take it any longer. I feel abused, but legally I don't have a leg to stand on -- I've checked. It's too late at my current job, but when I go to a new job I don't want to feel defensive all the time, but that's how I've felt for so long I don't know how to not be on the defensive.

 

I'm not a stupid person and I know it intellectually, but emotionaly I feel like the dumbest person alive - like I shouldn't even hope for respect because I'm not capable of earning it. I've never felt so low before.

 

How do I get rid of this feeling? How do I hold my head up? How do I compete for good jobs and respect with people who are happy and optimistic when I'm not any more? I always used my work and I thought it was good, but maybe 'they' are right? I'm not smart enough or good enough to have a decent job and decent life? Hard work doesn't seem to be enough.

 

I don't take pride in what I do anymore because its never 'right' or 'good enoough' anymore.

 

I just want to stay home and hide. If I could find some way - any way - of supporting myself without losing my home I would never leave it. I don't have much comparatively and I'm not trying to climb some corporate ladder anymore - I'm too old for that and I don't have the energy or strength to 'move up' anymore - I just want to maintain, not go backwards and that is what is happening to me now.

 

I don't trust anyone.

[suegail]

If you are being let go, (and at least that's how it sounds unless I misunderstood) maybe in some way they've done you a favor. From what you describe it sounds as if you've been under attack, and have apparently put up with poor working conditions for a very long time. Maybe you'll find a place now where you'll work with people who are considerate, those who will appreciate what you have to offer.

 

I know it's hard at a time like this and it's done a number on you emotionally, but you're reacting, and how can you help that? You've lost your job and you feel vulnerable and as if your whole way of life is threatened - you're scared. But don't beat yourself into the ground like this. I don't know your actual situation, but there may be much to learn from this experience, if you do feel your attitude contributed to problems you can begin to give serious thought to that.

 

Best of luck...

[Curmudgeon]

That's a lot to overcome, Vega, but it's doable. When (not if) you finad another job remember that you will have been hired because you're right for it and they know you can do it, even if you're not convinced.

 

I rose very quickly through two careers and after each promotion I questioned if I was really up to it. In every case, I was. When I finally settled into my third career and decided it would be my last one, I knew I could handle anything that was thrown my way, and I have.

 

I spent 25 years listening to the ex tell me I wasn't good enought, I was defective, I was a lot of things but right. Then I got her out of my life, worked on myself a bit and ended up just fine. In fact, I'm far better off in every way without her.

 

Don't let anyone, especially yourself, convince you that you don't have a lot to offer and aren't worthy because that's just not true. Look upon this as an adventure, an exploration along a previously unknown route, an opportunity to excel and then just do it, because you'll be right.

[Vega]

Thank you everyone.

 

It is SO hard for me right now. I'm still employed there because they can't just 'let me go' without good cause and they don't have any. I'm doing my job and my new boss's job. If I don't do my new boss's job it reflects poorly on me, so I'm doing it. She took a day off work last week because she spent too long under a tanning lamp and burned her boobs so she said she need to work from home naked. Meanwhile, the work that needed to be addressed on-site fell to me. Not only did I do it, I had to document and log everything for my counterparts too and send her a report.

 

I'm trying to take pride in the fact that even under these horrible emotional conditions, I am not letting the client down or giving them any reason to think that I would sabotage the work knowing I will be leaving. I just can't do that even though others have said that they are surprised that I am able to keep working at all under these circumstances.

 

I've been beat down in life outside of the working world too (who hasn't?) and its all just too much for me now.

 

I guess what I'm so afraid of is that when I do get another job they will give me a chance for a while, but I'll slip myself into a defensive posture or go in feeling like I have to cover my ass from the start and that is negative and just builds more negativity.

 

I'm so down right now. I appreciate the comments and I want to believe you - I just don't seem capable of it right now. Does that make sense?

[Curmudgeon]

It makes sense but it doesn't have to be that way.

 

I mentioned three careers. All of them have been grim in some respects; the military, including two years in combat; law enforcement including three years working narcotics; now politics and legislation (maybe the grimmest of all).

 

In every occupation I've tried to find, have and make fun. In my estimation, if it isn't fun, it's not worth doing. Sometimes it's just absurd (especially the politics) but that can always be good for a laugh or two. Sometimes you resort to black humor. I tend to be irreverant and leave people wondering is I'm serious or not. It'sd always good for a chuckle or two.

 

Work to live, not the other way around. Even a bad situation can have its light and enjoyable moments, even if you're the only one who knows it. Lighten up, relax and have some fun with it. If something doesn't go exactly right then you have a challenge for the next time and that's like a game. After all, a year from now will anyone remember and will it really have made a substantive difference in the overall scheme of things?

 

Life and death are serious issues. I know. I've dealt with and dealt out both. Anything short of that leaves room for humor and enjoyment no matter how "deadly" serious others may think it (it really isn't, you know).

 

Resolve that every day you wake up with a pulse and respiration is going to be a good one and it will be. If you act enthusiastic, even when it hurts, in time you'll become enthusiastic.

 

Smile and make them wonder what you're up to!

[suegail]

Well, I'm very glad to hear you're not losing your job, but I know it's hard to work under that kind of stress. I can understand your fears of carrying over an attitude if you were to get another job, but hopefully, if it ever comes to that, you won't be faced with the kind of situation you've been in...as I said in the other post, you may find a completely different atmosphere, and that may be the thing that makes all the difference for you in how you feel.

 

Wishing you all the best...