Should We Get Married?

[dormin12345]

Sometimes I feel like I want to get married to louann. She is smart, funny and caring. She has been a teacher for almost a year now and so I am sure can put up with a ton of bulls***. We have been together now for nearly three years and our wedding is scheduled for September 3rd in Baltimore, MD.

 

louann is everything I could ever ask for in a wife {though (and I confess of being guilty of this as well) her domestic skills could use some polishing. When I quit my job she was very supportive when many women would have been berating and mean. I think she is much happier no that I have a job which I enjoy. She is willing to try anything twice (except that pesky three-way) and I can appreciate that. She also supports my writing, even though I work on about 20 projects a year that span no more than 20 pages each.

 

louann's only crime that I can see, and the one that is the cause of all my indecisiveness is that she loves me -- I mean she really loves me and sometimes that can make me feel trapped. I feel like (and she has admitted this in the past) that anytime that I am not spending with her is wasted time. She has been trying to improve on this but I can still feel a twinge of dissatisfaction when I tell her that I am going out with louis or I have to close at the store, or scott is sleeping over for the night. Although I know she will deny this I feel sometimes she tries to sabotage my good times with others -- either calling constantly to let me know she misses me or calling me into the bedroom when louis is over.

 

This when combined with my commitmentphobia, makes me feel smothered and makes me long to be alone again. When I come home from work -- I just want to be alone sometimes -- louann thinks that this is personal against her but I am simply a more introverted personality and place a high premium on my personal space (hello I only have one friend except louann) and sometimes I just need to be alone. I do ont know if this is a natural feeling experienced by everyone or if I feel this because of louann.

 

However, I love and care for louann a great deal and therefore I feel great feelings of guilt when I tell her that "Hey, I need sometime to myself for MY friends and MY life" -- while she thinks of everything in "WE" -- when she talks about the next 10 years of OUR lives it involves kids and carseats and all of this seems like drudgery to me but I am afraid to tell louann this because she wants kids fairly soon. I feel right now (and for the foreseeable future) that kids would be more of a burden than a joy. Maybe this will change when the kids are born but maybe not.

 

My greatest fear is that, as this is my first relationship, that there is something better out there just around the corner. Once I advance to a higher position at my job, a job that covers nearly a whole state and requires almost 25% of the year on the road -- will she be able to deal with this? She (purposely or not) makes me feel guilty when I want to hang out with louis for a few hours -- saying -- well we don't spend anytime together as it is -- when I spend more time with her than anyone else. I can deal with this on the off-occassion that I go out -- but I worry that when I am on the road it will cause the rift between us to grow and cuase her to resent me and say that I do not CARE about her.

I now find myself in one of two mindsets -- the marriage mindset and the leave mindset.

 

Exact dialogue from my head during leave moods:

 

What the hell are you doing here? You're going to settle for this little life -- didn't your parents tell you, you were destined for great things -- yeah real great. Get married, kids, job, grandkids and then dead. No great accomplishments -- no one will remember my name. I will never know the touch of another woman and that first rush of excitement of another first kiss -- is this the best -- is this the best I can do (maybe it is?) My f***ing-wonderful settled for life. Do I stay because I legitimately want to or because I am too scared to leave? I care about louann alot but I can't remember the last time I looked at her next to me and thought "God, I love this woman -- this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." and "If this is really my soulmate shouldn't I be more sure of this?"

 

She wants me to make up my mind but I hear that same twinge of disappointment in her voice when she says "Do you want me to call my Mom and tell her to call of the wedding?" That I hear when she calls when I am out with louis or when she hears scott is coming to a softball game.

 

 

When I am in the marriage mindset here is my internal dialogue:

 

"I am 25 years old and I have found a woman who loves me with all her heart and all her soul. Some men go their whole live and never find that. They f*** anything with two legs and then at around forty when their need ot reproduce reaches its peak they find some woman who he finds passable and marries her. louann however, cares about me -- as much as I have been driving her nuts lately she is being as patient as I can imagine anyone being with me. She is kind and will raise our children well. I can be content in this life. We will share the responsibilities of life -- the bills, laundry, etc. and can have a happy and hopefully healthy union. louann moved here for me, gave up hr dream job for me and what was her dream? To marry me. How can I now take that away from her? Maybe we work out maybe we don't -- but we have to at least try."

 

What scares me the most about each response is that the first one is grotesquely dark. Can I not recognize something great when it is in right in front of me? Are my expectations set too high and if I lower them am I only admitting failure.

 

What scares me the most about the second response is that it is almost 100 words long and the word "love" is not mentioned. I do not want our marriage to be one of merely convenience, hey we bought a car toether we have an aprarmtent together, we have debt together -- therefore lets get married. I hate to see louann in pain and I want desperately for her to be happy -- but is this love or some backward form of pity? I wish she was more independent I wish I didn't feel like if we break up, whether it is now, later or never that it would shatter her and ruin her life. NO ONE -- from husband to mother to ANYONE should be the center of your life -- in the end you can only rely on yourself and I sometimes think that louann expects me to be her center and her strength and that is too much pressure on me all the time.

 

Any help that you can give me would be appreciated -- becuase right now we are both going through hell.

[Curmudgeon]

NO ONE -- from husband to mother to ANYONE should be the center of your life -- in the end you can only rely on yourself and I sometimes think that louann expects me to be her center and her strength and that is too much pressure on me all the time.

 

...on an Internet chat board then the obvious answer is, "No!," you're not ready for it.

 

The above quote pretty much says it all, especially the reliance issue. I'd say you're nowhere near ready for marriage.

 

As always, just one man's opinion.

[Guest]

Do not waste this woman's time. You do not love her. At no moment you said you love her, just that she is nice to you. You also resent her. Before you break her heart even further, leave her alone and go on with your fanstastic life. She will find a man who appreciates her and wants to be with her more than his buddies.

[YellowLioness]

I think you should break off the engagement. One thing that is very difficult to learn (and you're young, being only 25) is that settling for something that is ALMOST (say 95%) as good as you want it to be, will never be good enough.

 

That 5% will soon take over the relationship, and all of her little flaws will outweigh anything good she can bring in your eyes.

 

You will know when you are ready. There won't be a doubt in your mind. I think you should wait until you are at least 30 to get married. In fact, I think everyone should

 

Honestly, age and maturity are two mutually exculsive componants in this: maturity wise...you're definately not ready.

 

You say you want your space now...imagine having a toddler. A toddler that will cry alot, spill things, want to be with you all the time, one that you will have to provide for fully (food, clothing, education, emotional needs).

 

You said Louann would be a good mother. Whoopity do. Would you make a good dad? That's what you should be asking yourself.

 

IN fact, you don't mention her needs at all, or, if you do, its how YOU are affected by them. Maybe there are things about you SHE doesn't like, too.

 

My suggestion is that you meet in person and that you break it off. Don't tell any one else before you tell her that this is going to happen. Tell her that you are sorry, that you've been selfish and short sighted. Tell her that you are not ready for any kind of committment, let alone marriage. Tell her that you would not make a good husband, and list off the reasons why, such as: "I really only want to think about my needs for now." "I'm not ready to provide the emotional anchor that you are seeking."

 

And be prepared for her to flip out.

 

As I usually try to remember to say, please take this with a grain of salt. An opinion is only that. Good luck!

[RecordProducer]

No one can answer your question except you. Are you in love with her? Would you risk ytour life to save hers? If she walked out of your life, would you miss her like crazy? If you get married and you start fighting, would you still love her?

 

I think you're too young for marriage, but it's your life, not mine.

[Tarliah]

Hello Dormin,

Fist of all let me say that reading your post has prompted me to make my 1st post on this board. So I'll try and not make an complete arse of it

 

I'm not one for giving advice, rather, I'd like to place a point of view and a different prospective (most of the time logical in my way and devoid of emotion, which can sometimes be viewed as heartless or cold)

 

But I'm of a slightly different view than the other people who have replied thus far.

Everything that you have said, and your angst, I have felt in various degrees, yet I've been married for over 6years now and my wife and I are happy and content. But I must point out that your reasoning and arguments are purely superficial and you are naturally looking for that way out or is this all there is??.

At 25, your probably still wanting to assert yourself within society or prove your worth, and thats a natural thing, your commitment to the physical world in ways of practical things is proof of that (loans, cars, bills, laundry etc).

You can form an argument by the number of words, but in truth, its not the quantity, its the quality. If you go back and look at what you wrote on your arguments on for and against, you will see in your mindset on marring this person, you actually form reason and show a great deal of empathy and caring.

The fact that you never said the word love doesn't mean it's not there. If you where to take a moment and remove sex, and the materialistic items that you have acquired, ask yourself whats left? Ask what type of relationship do we share? is it for comfort? security? partnership and spiritual recognition and growth?

Is getting married a social recognition for you to say I did it? Or one of "Look mum, dad, I'm a adult now cause I have a wife, can you help me with the mortgage now and borrow your lawn mower while we are on the subject?"

Your fiancée is probably feeling the same but more on an emotion level, and is going through the feelings of 'I've given up everything for him to prove that I love him, and that I need to have this man', and 'I must make sure I dont loose him when we are so close to that final commitment', that is no different than what you are going through, you both trying to express things in your own ways.

 

The list of doubt and question at this time can be endless and the more you realise that marriage is a leap out of your comfort zone, the more angst and 'doubtful' thoughts you will have to try and stay in that zone. But it will pass, and you will adjust to your new zone and feel the doubts again the next time you step out of that zone, this is why we have experience and memory, it is to help guide us to making a decision on the present, right or wrong makes no difference, only time will time with that.

This is evident to me when you said that children are a burden. I doubt either of you have the concept of what procreation really means and the emotional stability that you need to support that notion of a growing family.

Chunk it down into parts, your family is you and your fiancée.

I reckon that marriage/relationships comes in 4 parts: Yours, Hers, Ours and what if.

Spend time and and talk about the hole marriage thing, write your own vows, discuss what it means to actually be married, and in doing so, explore your relationship via conversation and not judge/criticise the other on emotion levels, support and listen, even if you dont agree, or dont understand, talk and share, ask If you dont quite follow, then talk and share some more. The person that you are with is not some object, nor another form of asset, your partner is just as human as you, and hence has all the frailties of human nature, so help each other remove the stereotypes that come with husband/wife, his marriage, her marriage etc.

Marriage should be more than a public display of commitment, it is about friendship, common choice, empathy, sexual coupling and sharing your emotional and physical time to be a proactive, content union of free will and learning. Marriage should be experienced together, and not looked at as a asset or rationalised into categories, in my mind thats what makes a loving relationship and lasting marriage. The fact that you are both willing to enter into a relationship at all means that your own a path together via free will, so dont get distracted by the road signs and bumps, if you walk together you will be amazed of the wonders of relationship can offer.

 

I hope that makes you think a little and I'm sorry for the length of this post.

[norajane]

Sounds like a classic case of cold feet, yes? Only a few more months until your wedding and you're freaking out about commitment and love and children and never sleeping with anyone else again...

 

Talk to her about the kids thing before you get married, though. Surely you can tell her you'd like to have children, but, as parents, you have to look out for their best interests and that means waiting until you are financially and emotionally prepared. You could even sit down together and figure out a rough budget and determine how much you'd need to save/earn before you'd feel comfortable adding a child to the family.

 

Also, talk to her about how your business travel will play a part in your future. If you share the same life goals, you ought to be able to discuss the path you need to take to get there - and the sacrifices and understanding required to do so.

 

If she can't or won't discuss these things with you, or you with her, then you might want to reconsider the marriage more seriously. If you can't communicate about these kinds of issues, you're going to have a hard time of it together.

[slinkysu]

You definitely aren't ready and it's a pity because she sounds like an amazing woman. She also sounds like every other woman who is settled in a relationship. All my friends have at some point said to their partner 'i don't see you enough'. But you feel trapped when you should feel complete - and that's not a good sign.

 

As for your parents telling you you were special and due for great things - nearly every loving parent tells their child the exact same thing, but in a world of 6 billion people and growing, the chance that you are going to stand out and have the world remember your name is about 6,000,000,000:1 So you need to get over that fantasy pretty quick and realise that life is what it is. It's not the movies, it can be a roller coaster but in general life just plods on and if we are lucky enough to have moments during each day that make us laugh, think and feel, then you're doing okay. Most of the time it is boring and repetitive - that's called work - although it is great you have found a job you enjoy, but you need to make peace with the idea that it is okay with you if the world doesn't know your name but that a few close friends do and hopefully, one day, you will find someone you love so much that you can't imagine your world without them.

 

25 is still very young. You're in your prime (although there seems to be a new thing called a quarter-life crisis where you get to your age and think 'what am i doing? what have i achieved?' and that's actually pretty common) and you still have many many years ahead of you. If you aren't sure then don't do it. Better to break her heart now than to marry and make her miserable for years.

 

It's your life and your call - but deep down i think most people know the answers to their own problems, they just ask others to reaffirm what they already feel. Deep down, what do you feel? From your post it sounds like you know already, you just don't know what to do next. And the answer to that is, take action; before it's too late.

 

Good luck