Road to Reconciliation... what does/could she mean?

[mlchris2]

Well a few nights ago, I was talking with my wife and I dont know what it was, but everything we talked about... seemed to make sense to her and I both. (Also, I decided to move back closer to my wife and kids... the sole purpose being for the kids... and if anything was going to happen with me and the wife, I'd need to move back). Long story short... she finally agreed that we take things slow. We do things for the kids, hang out once in awhile, etc.

 

It was my daughters b-day and I was planning on heading there for the weekend. We agreed that we wouldnt have the DRAMA this weekend and we would talk more about things when I move down. The plan was to stay at my mother/father-in laws for the weekend.... I get a call on the afternoon I was scheduled to head out of town, from my mother in law. she told me that my wife agreed that I could stay with her and the kids. I was shocked. She basically told me that I should just watch myself this weekend because it could be a test... she's seen a change and gets this feeling my wife and believes shes sincere about reconciliation.

 

The weekend went great. We didnt argue once. We took the kids to a movie. There was some flirting,sitting close, chatting about everything(the way things were, how they are now). Overall the weekend was good. I did want more out of the weekend, but it was a step in the right direction in my opinion. Saturday night, she wanted to go dancing with her roomate(weekly ritual). We talked and I agreed that she go. My attitude changed and she sensed it. She asked me about it. I told her it was a combo of the weekend going so good, not wanting the weekend to end, me wanting more, but not wanting to screw it up....wondering if things really are changing or if shes playing more games with me... a bit of jealousy (I still have the gut feeling she is involved with a guy she used to work with.). We did agree that if we were together and her and her friends wanted to go out... I would let her go and probably feel the same way about it. Honestly I worried the entire time she was gone... most if it was jealousy.

 

Well she came home from dancing. I asked how it was... she said fun. I asked her if I could sleep with her... nothing sexual, just cuddling like we used to do. She told me no, kinda chuckled and I left it at that. As I walked away..she asked if I was mad and I said not mad... just let down.

 

I left Sunday morning and said my good byes to the kids and her. I thanked her for the wonderful weekend. She asked if I was still feeling down. I told her yes. I told her I feared the weekend has my hopes up and I'm going to come crashing down, like I've done in the past.

 

Well I txt msg'd her later on today asking how her day was going (I thought I would try a new approach) and she said fine. I again told her that I hope she wasnt mad at me for the little drama i might have caused... etc...etc. I told her that I need to adjust, now that I am closer to her and the kids. I told her I am pleased that she agreed to take things one day at a time... its what I wanted... I am expecting a immediate resolution (ike MC or Therapist), but she is wanting to take things slow... with no desired outcome (thats what she is telling me)... I dont think she would go through all this if its something she didnt want? Right?

 

so now to my question...

 

She told me "I just dont know. Lets just take it slow and see what happens" when I asked her if the weekend was worth something and if my efforts to reconcile are for a cause....

 

I plan on talking to her more about what she means and establish some concrete rules on our seperation when I move.... but in the mean time

 

I wanted to find out from the rest of you what you think I should or

shouldnt be doing, now that she's agreed to take things slow? Should I

become the new boyfriend type or be the friend type? Should I call

her in the AM and PM to wish her a good day and see how her day went?

Do I spend time with her? Do I ask her on dates? Do I ask to hang out

with her and her friends.

 

What do you think she means by "I just dont know. Lets just take it slow

and see what happens" ?

 

How do I deal with the gut feeling of her past/possible involvment with

Larry (I know whom this guy is and I found some more evidence over the

weekend that would suggest current involvement)? Do I ask her about it

again... this time with the approach of who her friend are... etc? Do I try

to believe her?

 

This is my chance to finally do what I need to do to show her that I 100% accept the things which I failed to do as a husband and father and work at giving US the relationship we both want.

 

thanks

 

MarkC

[Guest]

Unfortunately, she could mean what she says about taking it slow, OR she could just be trying to be nice to you. Kind of like turning down a date with a person she's not that interested in. I've heard that line before, and my wife was seeing somebody at the time we were separated. I'd be emotionally and physically completely ready for that possibility as well.

 

I think you're being too much of a nice guy. Instead of being nicer and nicer (and showing her that she can do whatever she wants to you and that you'll just take it), I'd WITHDRAW. Some people suggest this marriage builders Plan A stuff, but I think you should start the Plan B.

 

Sounds to me like you're already willing to forgive her for the fact that she's seeing Larry. Fine. Doesn't mean you have to grovel over her and be even nicer to her.

 

Disappear and date other women, my friend. You deserve better. Whether it's a better version of your wife or another person, I can't tell you, but stop rewarding her insecurity, infidelity, and disrespect with your "nice" behavior and your time. That would continue indefinitely until you pull the 180 that a lot of people suggest.