Should I or shouldn't I?

[catt]

Hi all,

 

Here's my situation in a nutshell - My now ex-fiance has been suffering from depression for the past couple of years. I broke off the engagement a month ago when he sank to the deepest level yet and still refused to get help. I realized that I couldn't live with his unbelievably drastic swings when he wouldn't do a damned thing to save himself and I also knew I couldn't save him without drowning, myself.

 

Fastforward to the past week - He has been drinking himself silly and has not gone into work for the whole week. Now, I am tired of having to be the one who gets to see/hear about how terrible he is, how he wants to end it all, blah, blah. I'm thinking that perhaps it's time for someone else to get involved in this mess and help him to pick up the pieces of his life. No one else even has a clue that he has lost it because he puts on the 'acting' face for everyone else. I've seen him in action; he could win an Academy Award!

 

My question is, would it be completely unethical of me to contact one of his closest friends and reveal his deep, dark secret in an effort to save him from himself? I can't carry the burden on my own. Any comments, suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

Catt

[Picasso]

I wouldn't involve a close friend; that would go against the trust you two share. Since you are the only one who sees this "other side" of him, I believe confiding this with someone outside of "yourselves" would be a mistake.

 

Make an appointment with his family doctor; someone who is a professional, who is not "closely" involved, who can help him cope with his problems. Go with him; it sounds like you love him. He needs you. I'm sure that this is tough on you, when you probably want to start living your life with him; without this. It is your call though. Maybe this will be the way to get past this and move foreward into better days. (with marriage) Good luck.

Hi all, Here's my situation in a nutshell - My now ex-fiance has been suffering from depression for the past couple of years. I broke off the engagement a month ago when he sank to the deepest level yet and still refused to get help. I realized that I couldn't live with his unbelievably drastic swings when he wouldn't do a damned thing to save himself and I also knew I couldn't save him without drowning, myself. Fastforward to the past week - He has been drinking himself silly and has not gone into work for the whole week. Now, I am tired of having to be the one who gets to see/hear about how terrible he is, how he wants to end it all, blah, blah. I'm thinking that perhaps it's time for someone else to get involved in this mess and help him to pick up the pieces of his life. No one else even has a clue that he has lost it because he puts on the 'acting' face for everyone else. I've seen him in action; he could win an Academy Award!

 

My question is, would it be completely unethical of me to contact one of his closest friends and reveal his deep, dark secret in an effort to save him from himself? I can't carry the burden on my own. Any comments, suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Thanks, Catt

[aaw]

yes, by all means tell someone, a friend, relative, someone that could possibly help him (and you).

 

You cannot help him if he does not want help, but if he is talking about ending it all, then he needs professional help.

 

I went through this exact situation with an exboyfriend, as as much as I wanted to help him and was there for him in every way, all it does is drag yourself down with them, and then you're no good to anyone.

 

The more time you spend with a depressed person, the more likely you will become depressed youself.

 

Not to be morbid, but a couple years years later, I heard my ex had killed himself. Looking back, I wish I had involed other people in the situation, especially his parents. Just because he is suffering from an illness, does not mean you have to suffer too.

 

Good Luck.

[Ed]

It's hard to tell from the information you gave what is really going on.

 

I don't know a whole lot about crisis intervention, but if he is threatening to commit suicide then he needs to be evaluated by someone that has experience with that kind of thing.

 

I found this page on How to Help a Suicidal Person. Maybe it will help you to read it.

[witchbreed]

Hi Catt

 

Go for help. In my opinion with depression (and the way you describe him sounds a bit like manic-depression) you better go for professional help. First of all for yourself, how to cope with this. He is responsible for his own life, but it seems like you seem to think to be responsible for his well being, thats usually a sign of co-dependency. Do talk it over with the counselor, how it would be best to get him to get help.

 

Specially for men it is very hard to admit to depression, doesnt fit the male image, so they usually hide it much longer and it takes more for them to see and admit that they might need professional help.

 

I would not go to relatives and friends now. That would be an abuse of his trust and usually - with this kind of situation - lay people are just in over their heads. In counseling the counselor will at some stage often include friends and family and often it is best for the closest people to go to counseling themselves, to help them to cope with the depressed one, their own feelings of guilt and so on.

 

Depression can be treated, it depends where it steems from to know how to treat it. It can be some traumatic event in the past, it can he genetically inherited, can have to do with a hormon inbalance or those mood swings could also be a sign of addiction to some drugs (booze, pills, x-tasy, speed, coke) - to find out whats really behind it and to treat it, one does need professional help.

 

If your fiance is really not willing to go to a counselor, sometimes for religous people a priest might be of help. Could be that he is able to help directly (depending the cause) or to counsel him to go to a counselor.

 

Best of luck

[catt]

Firstly, I'd like to thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It's comforting to know that there are people out there who know where I'm coming from.

 

Just to clarify a little: most of you agree that going to one of his friends would be a breach of trust and I, for the most part, feel the same. The only reason I even considered it was because he flat out refuses to get professional help when I suggest it to him. I thought that if a friend of his confronts him and tells him that there is help out there, he might listen to them. It was really just a last resort before I extract myself from his life entirely and I'd hate to discover years later, like Aaw, that he had ended his life.

 

Witchbreed said something about me possibly being co-dependant. I do not feel responsible for his happiness but I would feel responsible if he commited suicide and I did nothing to try to prevent it.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make a depressed person seek help? I know that if I made an appointment, he would refuse to go. I gave him a list of the best therapists in the area last year and later found it in the bin.

 

Thanks,

 

Catt

[witchbreed]

Sometimes people are not "able" to seek help for themselves, be it that this would be a "proof" of being weak or be that they dont think themselves to be worthy enough.

 

This is a little bit devious, but basicly you need help in this situation too - even if he did commit suicide its never your responsibility and you did suggest counseling anyway but you do tell that then you would feel guilty.

 

Go for help yourself and ask him to come to a joint session because you do need his help to sort your own problems out. He might be willing to go, if its to help you and not for himself. Best luck!