NICEGUYINCT Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 THis is kinda long but please bare with me i need and value all of your opinions. Well today may 21st was to be my wedding day. I met this great girl thru a co-workers whos wife worked with her as a nurse, after 16months we got engaged, planned a wedding for 11months later. It was to be a very nice wedding, private country club in New Jersey not cheap, well in october i guess i had my 30yr old midlife crisis, i kinda freaked out on how can we afford to live here, cheapest house is 500K, i hate the weather here, blah blah blah,anyway i called off the wedding, wouldnt really even hear her out, transferred with my job out to colorado in December. We talked a few times a month , mostly it was her crying in the beginning but more so me the last few months. I didnt see her again until i came here in March for a few days, she initially said no but then changed her mind and saw me for dinner, and actually asked if i wanted to do dinner again before i left, no hug goobye or anything, she specifically said i have my guard up. I dont blame her. Since then she changed her home and cellphone, called me kinda drunk one night which she never does and i got the cellphone again, but now it has been changed once again. I wrote a note to her parents basically saying i just wasnt ready and she deserved someone better than me, they said it was heartfelt but then advised her to go on match.com which i just dont get. Well i left my last message for her before she changed her number 2 weeks ago and told her i was transferring back here and oddly enough my first day of work was today my wedding day, shes out in florida at a spa with her girlfriend and then going camping for another week with her other friends kinda passing the time we were supposed to be in Hawaii i guess. I now know after this experience how much she meant to me, and how i cant live without her, she knows how i feel and i hear thru the grapevine how shes glad i havent contacted her and if i call her work they are to tell me she doesnt work there anymore and how that will freak me out. I dont know if she really hates me or is just trying to act macho to her friends like it doesnt bother her. I seemed to think after the wedding date passed things would be better but i dunno, part of me just wants to jump in the car and drive 45min to go see her, but that would be rude and i wasnt invited. I now realize id rather live in a shack in the worst part of town with this woman than move out west where life is affordable and easygoing, i just wonder if i blew it figuring all this out. I have no idea if she met anyone on match.com, im just trying to keep busy, she knows my email and phonenumber, so should i just sit tight? I havent spoke to her thru phone or email in 2 weeks now, its killing me, i just dont know what to do????? Any suggestions would be great, thank you for reading... Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Man that is messed up, but also a lesson to everyone else that breakups REALLY need to be thought through, its very hard to get back once you've left. I doubt she is acting macho, she just probably got a huge shock and lots of hurt that you didn't turn out to be the guy she thought you were. Looking at it from her side, its a huge trust breaker, and in a way she may be relieved she found this out before she did marry you. I'd say right now you can only do things that are going to push her further away. She knows how you feel, so back off and act like she's not coming back, and try to move on with life, that way if she does come back it will be because she wants to. If she doesn't, you have at least learnt a valuable life lesson here. Link to post Share on other sites
cutie22387 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I agree wit Chocolate Boy, she probably doesn't want to marry you and feels like she can't trust you anymore. My best bet is that she is thinking about you every single day. But she'll never admit that. She's just mad, and women can be mad for a very long time. If you truly want her back, you have to think of something that will make you trust you again, and to let her know that you won't do that again. Maybe showing up at her door isn't such a bad idea if you really, truly want her back. I think the problem was, you guys wasn't ready for marriage, or maybe just you... but either way, before you contact her make sure you have your mind made up. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Your situation isn't a good NC situation in my opinion. The longer you sit on this, the further away from you she'll go. Once a woman makes up her mind, she's gone. I usually don't advocate reaching out but I think that's the only chance you have. If you tell her honestly that you screwed up and realized everything you mentioned on this board. I think if you take a chance, at least you'll know where you stand. If she says no, you can walk away with no regrets. Then she'll have to figure out if she made the right decision. It's too bad you didn't realize earlier. The earlier you try to reconcile the better. Link to post Share on other sites
JustWantToBeHappy Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Do you still want to marry her? Are you willing to do that immediately? You should ask yourself that so that you aren't blinded by rejection. You need to be sure how you truly feel. If you are absolutely positive that she's the ONE, then talk to her NOW. Tell her that marriage is such a huge commitment to you that you freaked out. Now, you thought it through and would marry her on the spot. Offer to go to Vegas and tie the knot. Even if she says no, she will see that you are serious and ready to commit now. I would rather marry someone that backed away from marriage because of the magnitude of it than enter into it lightly and freak out later. I think you need to make a HUGE gesture in this case. If it doesn't pan out, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
hmmansfield Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Just sitting back and waiting for her is not going to work. That's a male response. The only way you are getting her back is by a making a fool of yourself beding over backwards, letting her yell and scream at you, going to therapy with her, getting drilled by her parents, calling often and taking her rejection... but calling again... If you just wait for her, she ain't coming. This is... you have to know you want to marry her 99%... if not don't waste her time or hurt her anymore than you already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NICEGUYINCT Posted May 25, 2006 Author Share Posted May 25, 2006 Well she actually called me the other day and asked to meet for pizza, of course she kept reminding me not to look into this any further than getting pizza. She still has her guard up, doesnt want me to touch her, and basically kept saying i thought i could do this but its just to hard for me to just go hang out with you and try to be your friend, havent talked to her since then, and again the ball is in her court, i dont have her phonenumbers and dont wanna email her and bug her, i still do love her and want her back, i think shes having a hard time wondering how she would explain to her parents, friends, that she would wanna try to work things out especially after she cried and cried to them for months about me, oh well i will keep all updated, thx again for your advise.. Link to post Share on other sites
Solachica Posted May 26, 2006 Share Posted May 26, 2006 If you believe tht she's someone worth going after then by all means do it...But by now you shud be 100% certain of wht you want. You probably broke her heart and she may not forgive you....but then again you may never know...so go meet her and talk or at least try. Link to post Share on other sites
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