Ditched and Confused

[Carrie]

I've been in a long distance for 1-1/2 year now (I've been with Greg for 2-1/2 yrs total). Greg's a nice guy, but I don't trust him, because he cheated on me and lied about it about a yr ago. I forgave him and took him back, but I still don't know if I can trust him. He's good to me when I see him, but not as attentive when he's back home. I usually see him once a month. I do find myself constantly accusing him of cheating with every little thing that he does that I don't feel add up. He always has a good excuse and I believe him. Well, I was hanging out with all his friends about 1 month ago, which I only usually do when he's around. But they invited me one night and I said ok.

 

Well this particular night, I met a friend of the gang who I'd never met before, named Jeff. He's not friends with my boyfriend, but he's very good friends with my boyfriend's friends. The minute I saw him, I knew something was there and I don't believe in love at first sight -- more like lust at first sight, but it didn't feel that way. He was there with his girlfriend. I talked to him a bit, and his girlfriend (not a serious girlfriend -- his friends told me she's a good for now girl) was threatened by me, even though he and I didn't do anything. Anyway, at the end of the night, he approached me and said, "If I'm wrong, please tell me, but are you feeling, what I'm feeling." I was shocked and said "YES". He said, "What do we do." I said, "I don't know." He then left and got my number from a friend and called me the next day. He told me he wanted to make sure what we were feeling was real and not just a kid school feeling. We went out a couple of times and he was a perfect gentleman (according to his friends, he usually gets women into bed very quickly). He didn't make any moves on me, and infact said, "I don't want to screw this up, because I've never felt this way before." I swear, what we were feeling for each other was in not just a physical attraction. I actually can't explain it. He said if we didn't explore what we were feeling, we'd regret it for the rest of our lives.

 

Well, we only went out 4 times, and each time was amazing, but we talked no less than 5 times a day for 3 weeks. He taught me how to golf, we had dinners, walked in the park, and just talked about each others lives. It was so nice. We kissed a couple of times, but that was it. I told him it would take a while to decide what to do about my boyfriend, and could we take it slow and be friends, because I didn't want to play with his or Greg's head. Jeff said, he'd be patient, because I was THE ONE. In the meantime, I told Greg I was going to start seeing other people.

 

Then my boyfriend, Greg came to town. Jeff wasn't supposed to show up (we had agreed), but showed up at the restaurant my boyfriend and I were at, knowing Greg and I would be hanging out there with all their friends. He sat across from me and my boyfriend. Of course Jeff and I had to pretend we didn't know each other, which felt incredibly wierd. We did such a great job, hardly even looking at each other, that it felt wierd. After about 1-1/2 hours, he left. 2 days later, I didn't hear from him, so I called him. He finally called me back and said, "I'm confused and can't do this. I feel guilty and all my friends will hate me if they find out I'm going after 1 of their friends girlfriends, so I can't do this, I need to make a mature decision at my age (33yrs old)." All I said was "ok, I understand." I thought he'd never call again, but he called the next morning at 7:30am, just to talk about nothing. I asked if what he was feeling was gone and wasn't real after all, he said, "No, I'm crazy about you, you're all I've been thinking about." He then said he'd call me later and never called. Two days later he called again at 7:30am. I asked if we could get together and talk, he said "I'll call you later." That was a week ago. I haven't heard from him since and I know he spent this past weekend with his girlfriend.

 

I'm so confused. I don't understand why Jeff won't even call me? He told me he wanted me in his life, if even as just friends. Does it sound like he could have been lying to me and just lost interest? I really miss him.

[Ed]

You said "I told him it would take a while to decide what to do about my boyfriend, and could we take it slow and be friends, because I didn’t want to play with his or Greg’s head." Anytime you are uncertain, wishy-washy or on the fence about something like this, you are playing with peoples heads, including your own, whether you intend to or not.

 

If you don't want to play with anyone's head then you have to make a decision, real soon, about your future with Greg. This decision, ideally, would be made independent of your chances with Jeff. That way, if things don't work out with Jeff, you will have no regrets about ending it with Greg, if that's what you choose to do.

 

That's all I can say right now.

[Daisy]

First of all, I think you really need to break up with your boyfriend. Can you honestly say that you're happy in your relationship with him ... when all you can do is worry about whether or not he's cheating AGAIN? I give you lots of props for even attempting to let him back into your life after the first time ... because, heaven knows, I sure wouldn't have been able to do that. But good relationships are based on trust. And you don't have that in your current relationship. Some people are able to forgive and forget, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to. You obviously don't trust him. So why even waste your time anymore? Dump him so you can move on with your life ... so you can find a man that's willing to be honest and faithful to you.

 

As for this new guy ... I really can't say what's up with him. It does seem kind of strange that he claims he's SOOO into you, and then does a 180. Honestly, I think he's just playing you, and of course, that's just little ole' me's opinion. But if I were you, I'd be wondering how he could claim he's so crazy about you, only for him not to call and for you to find out through the grapevine that he's spent the past weekend with his girlfriend. Sounds quite fishy to me. My best guess would be that he's said the exact same things that he's said to you to his past girlfriends ... maybe that's how he scores on the first date, who knows.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that if he really WAS somebody worth spending time with ... and actually felt all those things he said to you ... you wouldn't be wondering where he was at this very moment. I also think that if he was serious about trying to make things work between you two, he wouldn't have spent the weekend with his girlfriend ... let alone have a girlfriend. I know he told you that "I feel guilty and all my friends will hate me if they find out I’m going after 1 of their friends girlfriends, so I can’t do this, I need to make a mature decision at my age", but who in the world denies a chance to pursue a relationship with someone they're crazy about because of what their friends MIGHT think? It just all seems a little too fishy for me.

 

If I were you, I'd forget about this new guy too. Take a little break from guys for a while. Then, once you're ready, start dipping your toes in the dating pool again.

[witchbreed]

First of all, since you are not happy in your current relationsship (mistrust, issues of cheating) you would be better of to end this relationsship. That you start feeling attracted to someone else should really tell you, that the relationsship is over.

 

For the behaviour of Jeff, there is different possiblities. He might be playing with you or he might be scared that you are playing with him, scared to get really involved, because you might hurt him. I can relate that he does not want to become involved as long as you are still in a relationsship with someone else, specially someone in the same peergroup.

 

You should make your decision about Greg now and even if there is no chance of getting together with Jeff. Once you are a single girl again you will soon enough find out, if Jeff is interested or not.

 

I met my bf while I was still married. The marriage was rocky and my x-hb was working abroad. My bf didnt want to put any pressure on my decision, since he was of the opinion that I had much more to loose. So he didnt promise me anything for our future and I decided that it was time to get out of my marriage, even though I didnt know if it would work out with my bf, because I knew that the marriage was over anyway. My bf told me that he loved me, only after I had split from my hb. He told me that he had felt that way even before, but refrained from saying so - because he didnt want to put any pressure on me.

 

Best of luck.

[Carrie]

I appreciate all your advice. Every single one of you are right. It's a hard decision to make, but leaving my boyfriend is really going to be the best thing. I don't want to feel like I can't trust someone, even though I may love them. Love is important, but trust is just as high up there.

 

I also finally heard from Jeff and he's willing to still be just my friend and we'll talk to each other on the phone every now in then, just to stay in touch. I guess he was just scared I was going to hurt him. I told him I'm not going to play with anyones head, so it's best if I break up with Greg and just stay alone for a while, until I clear my head.

 

If I get a little depressed being alone after a while, I'll probably post another letter, just for moral support.

 

Thanks again.