He wont marry me, what does this mean?

[Guest]

I have been with my bf for 3 yrs this october. We have had our ups and downs mainly because i suffer from depression. We split in feb due to me finding dating sites on his computer but got back after 8 weeks. during this time still saw each other almost everyday.

 

Thing is since june 05 we talked about engaged (we have a house together for 2 yrs) brought a ring dec 05. i keep asking him which i know i should not but i need some sort of commitment. he says he is not ready but why did he start the whole engaged thing, talk about kids etc then suddenly no. He wants us to lead more independent lives etc. been distant to me i know he has exams. maybe i am too hung up because there is a ring there waiting but i need to know he is commited to me and doesnt want anyone else. 3 yrs house and nothing. all friends are engaged but his are still playing the field out drinking etc. maybe this is why he wont settle.

 

he just says he is not ready but doesnt give me any reason why. his sister has just got engaged but dont see that as an excuse. he said its too soon sfter the time apart but we are better than ever, better than the time he was going to propose anyway. it is really making me feel like he doesnt want me or love me as much as he once did. i am going out of my mind.

 

i would like to add that due to exams and an operation coming up the minimum time frame we would be able to get married would be 3 years. its not as if we want to get married straight away - nothing wrong with a long enagagement.

 

i dont want to keep on at him and have the adverse effect which i think its doing even tho i have explained my need for commitment et still no reasons from him etc. i dont know what to do -

 

surely if he doesnt want marriage after all this time etc from what i have read he isnt thinking of the relationship as a permanent one....

 

help...

[lulu2go]

oh guys can be indecisive prats at times huh. In my experience, after 3 yrs together and he still isn't sure that he wants to get married, then he probably is quite comfy with you but still has one eye open incase something better comes along. In no way does this mean that something is wrong with you, or that he doesn't love you. Also in my experience, love is not a reason to get married, sure its an all important ingredient, but ultimately it comes down to whether a person can make the decision to commit to another person for the rest of his/her life. obviously your man hasn't the maturity at this stage in his life to make that commitment to you.

 

Sounds simple, but when you love the guy its in a womans nature to keep at it and make it work. Do what you have to do, but hey make sure your seeing him for how he really is and not how you would like him to be. In the end someone has to make the hard decision, if its not him, then its got to be you. Good luck and much happiness to you!!

[timidity99]

oh guys can be indecisive prats at times huh. In my experience, after 3 yrs together and he still isn't sure that he wants to get married, then he probably is quite comfy with you but still has one eye open incase something better comes along. In no way does this mean that something is wrong with you, or that he doesn't love you. Also in my experience, love is not a reason to get married, sure its an all important ingredient, but ultimately it comes down to whether a person can make the decision to commit to another person for the rest of his/her life. obviously your man hasn't the maturity at this stage in his life to make that commitment to you.

 

Sounds simple, but when you love the guy its in a womans nature to keep at it and make it work. Do what you have to do, but hey make sure your seeing him for how he really is and not how you would like him to be. In the end someone has to make the hard decision, if its not him, then its got to be you. Good luck and much happiness to you!!

 

That's not necessarily true. I'm speaking as a guy who got dumped because I refused to marry my gf. We were together for 3 years. She proposed to me & I turned it down. She was upset so the next day she wanted to go our separate ways.

 

The reason I didn't want to marry her was not because I was keeping my options open for other women. I just don't like the idea of getting married period. I didn't want the responsibility. There's too many headaches in a marriage. The odds are that she would have left me in a divorce sooner or later anyway if I did agree to marry her so why should I even bother? The way I see it is that if she could walk away from me that easily then she never really loved me in the first place.

[lulu2go]

I just don't like the idea of getting married period. I didn't want the responsibility. There's too many headaches in a marriage. The odds are that she would have left me in a divorce sooner or later anyway if I did agree to marry her so why should I even bother? The way I see it is that if she could walk away from me that easily then she never really loved me in the first place.

 

but ultimately it comes down to whether a person can make the decision to commit to another person for the rest of his/her life. obviously your man hasn't the maturity at this stage in his life to make that commitment to you.

 

??

 

The way I see it is that if she could walk away from me that easily then she never really loved me in the first place.

 

Timity. Did it occur to you that a woman would view her b/f not wanting to marry her as a sign that he never really loved her in the first place??

 

Also from timidity's comments I gather fear is also a factor here. Again guest it doesn't mean your man doesn't love you, he either lacks the maturity, or is scared to make that commitment to you right now, or both. End of the day, you are the one in the relationship and hopefully something in this string will ring true to you.

 

it is really making me feel like he doesnt want me or love me as much as he once did. i am going out of my mind.

 

The purpose of my comments was to reassure you that its not you. Its something he will really have to work through on his own.