Married, separated & unsure of ?

[TRK32]

Hi everyone I am in hopes of finding some answers to my marriage/separation problems.

 

Please bare with me as the story is long but I will try to sum it all up as best as I can...

 

I am almost 32 years old married just once and have one almost 7 year old son who is my life. I have been married since September 1998 together a year before getting married. I left my husband 2.5 years ago over many different reasons. First of all let me just say that we have known each other for almost 21 years because his brother is married to my sister. My sister got us together and after our first date he moved in.. I realize that it was extremley fast but I had always had a crush on him and once we went out we just knew it was there. He was married before me with 2 small children. I had even attended his 1st wedding crazy I know but thats just how well we knew each other. We dated 1 year and in that 1 year I had a miscarriage which was really hard for the both of us. Getting past that 3 months later I found myself pregnant again and we were both very happy about it. We had been having a lot of problems with his ex because we were living together and not married so instead of risking him not getting his children every other weekend we decided we would be getting married anyway so why not do it now so that she couldn't say anything about him not getting the kids.

 

We did get married rather fast, no wedding just signed papers because we wanted the wedding to be as if we had never done it before. After being together for almost 2 years our son was born and things couldn't be any better between us. We were best friends from the start. Once our son was born for some reason things started to change. For one I wasn't working and he wasn't making good money plus he was paying a lot of child support which left our family broke. That really started the down hill spiral of our relationship I think. He worked from morning til night so when we got up he was gone and when we went to bed he wasn't home from work. I started looking for a job and eventually went back to work but by this time we hated being around each other. He has never been an open person when it comes to feelings and I use to be but stopped when everything I said and talked about he would say was stupid or he didn't know where I got that from? After years of just not really being a married couple because he didn't want to do things with me and our son because he was tired of working all the time. Things just kept building and building to where I cheated. There is no excuse for what I did but I guess looking back I can only say that I needed attention, affection and to feel that I was important. However, the worst part about it is that it was my ex fiance. I admitted it and we tried to move past it but still without talking or dealing with the problems that we had in the first place.

 

Years pass and things are still the same. So since he isn't going to talk, open up or work on making our problems better I just start leaving any time we fuss. This turned out to be an ever other weekend thing. He would get his kids and have our son as well and I thought by leaving I wouldn't have to deal with everything. He wouldn't make his children mind and when I would try it would start an argument. His ex wife could call 100 times while they were there for no reason really and even if it upset me he would just get mad. I wouldn't leave for the weekend but for the evening. After years of just being miserable one day he told me that I was worthless and I packed up and left. We were apart for a month or so but then we started talking and feel back into being with each other everyday. He would come to my house and spend the night at least 4 times a week and all weekend. We only live 5 minutes apart. That went on for 2 years until we still were not dealing with the problems. I kept telling him I wanted more than to be a part time wife.. Nothing changed so I started see someone and it happened to be the person that I cheated on him...

 

We went out for about 5 months when my husband came to me and said he loved me couldn't live without me and wanted to work things out. Of course I wasn't sure if things would change or not this time. It was the first time he had ever spilled his feelings like that and been so open with me. I just said I don't know.... I continued to see the other guy for a few weeks until it just hit me that I did want to work things out. I didn't tell my husband this right away but I started asking him over and out to eat again just to see how things would go. Mean while he sees an old friend from school and they go out. The day that I found out that he had a date I was CRUSHED actually crushed doesn't even begin to descibe it. They have since had 2 dates (he says) but they talk 4 or 5 times a day. He hates and has always hated to talk to me on the phone but can talk to her for hours at a time. He wanted a divorce and wasn't going to talk about it at all.... He's only been talking to her for 2 mths now but 3 weeks ago he said that divorce might not be what he wants that working things out was an option now just to be patient and see what happens??? I have stopped talking to the other guy because I want this to work more than anything. I want my family back and him.

 

He hates talking to me about things but when I ask him what he's planning on if he is still seeing & talking to her while trying to decide what our future holds. He only gets mad when I ask. They do still talk a lot and he has even said that nothing will come of it because she has 2 small children and he is done with small children. He wants our son to be the only small one left. So if that true then why can't he stop talking to her??? He says he loves me and is in love with me as I am with him. We've talked about selling our house where he lives and him moving in with me to save money and to build our dream house. It's been almost 4 weeks since he said he was thinking we've been together at least 4 times sexually and he just spent the night this past weekend.

 

PLEASE someone tell me if I am crazy but I 've tried everything and I don't know what else to do.....Please help...

 

Thank you,

TRK32