Second Chances with CHANGE

[KittenMoon]

Seems like every couple weeks or so, someone posts the "Who has had exes come back?" thread to try to give themselves some hope. I think I did it myself at one point. While I would love a second chance with a "happily ever after", I also know most of weaknesses in my former relationship stemmed from my ex. If we're ever going to have a second chance, I know that I can't do anything but get on with myself and hope that HE changes.

 

So here's my twist on the old question: Who has had exes return AND actually seen significant changes for the better in that person? (in terms of maturity, behavior, personality, empathy, whatever!)*

 

Or, since we might need a few laughs: Have any of the returning exes actually managed to change for the worse?

 

*these stories do not, of course, necessarily need to involve an actual second chance occuring, let's just hear how, if, and when people affect changes to themselves, or conversely, whether leopards simply cannot change their spots

[tanbark813]

When I first came to this site it was because I was having problems with my gf at the time. I was with her for about 5 months. We did the break-up-and-get-back-together thing for about 2 weeks before it was over for good.

 

No contact for about 3 months. Then contact every once in a while after that.

 

We got back together 10 months after we broke up. We talked about out our issues a LOT. It was great for about two weeks and then went back to how it always was. We broke up not long after. I think we were only back together for a month or two.

 

IMO, people rarely change. There are surface things that can be altered but everyone has a fundamental core of beliefs/ideas/values/whatever that are very consistent.

 

Like Henry Rollins says, "People don't change, they just find better ways of covering up their s***."

[Numbheart]

About 8 years ago, I got involved with someone with a long history of being a "gold digger" (at the time unknown to me)....this started very well, then after a month she called it all off...I was a bit gutted, but went with it, never really knowing why.

Then she started calling a few weeks after, telling me she missed me, etc....then went into NC for a about a month, only to be told by a mutual friend that she wanted me to do some work for her....so got in touch, things got back to how they were previously between us, apart from the fact that this second time around, I had been warned about what she was like for me to realise what I was getting myself back into.

 

So, I addressed the situation and she "claimed" she had changed, we went on for a further 12 months, to a point of her clinging to my leg one night begging me not to leave her, whilst I was trying to walk out after it was soooo apparant to me after all that time that she had not changed...needless to say 2 weeks from then, she left me for some multi millionaire guy!!

 

Laughable now, but not so at the time:mad:

[MissTiss]

I think people change only when they realized that something in them needs to be changed. I had a relationship years back that was like that, I was the clingy gilfriend, drove him mad...he broke up with me. It happened like that for a while until i finally realized that I had issues to deal with. I fixed them for myself, became the confident smart woman that I knew I was and he saw that. We reconciled and even got engaged to be married. It was HIM that didn't change. He was still emotionally unavailable, still didn't really care about my thoughts and feelings, still had issues with quitting and leaving when things were hard. I later found out that he left the final time because he had to leave me before I left him. I wasn't that clingy girl anymore, and he was afraid because I was confident now. Of course, I was devastated. How can changing, still drive him away? It was him not me. I realized that and am so much better for it. I still love people deeply, probably too deeply, but now I know that one day I will find my open and honest man. I had him for a fleeting moment...he is off finding himself, whatever that means. Who knows what will come of that. So....my point. harhar...took long enough. People can change behaviors. Not personalities. Clingy, insecurity is a behavior, stemming from something else. Pinpointing the problem brings a solution/change into view. Its a matter of people having the maturity to self examine and get to the crux of the matter. And then the conscious decision to fix it.

[Whitt]

My ex-fiance came back after 7 years. He not only hadn't changed, but hadn't done anything with his life since we broke up. He is still the same person he was at 23. He didn't even make any advances in his career. He's a 30 year old with a minimum wage job and is still living with his sister!

 

Another time, I had an ex who wanted to get back after we broke up. I told him if he quit drinking that I would give him a second chance. We never got back together, but we're still friends and he still drinks too much.

 

There was one guy whom I would have gotten back together with. He really didn't do anything wrong. I was just immature and my mother didn't like him. He had a girlfriend when we ran back into each other and things just never worked out. This seems to be the only situation where getting back with someone may be a good idea. One person must have had a great period of time to mature - like 3 or 4 years. (I was 16 ang he was 19).

[2020vision]

Well,

 

My ex boyfriend, the one that I am always creating threads about, broke up with me after 1 year into our relationship. I changed my clingy, immature ways and basically blamed the whole breakup on myself and decided to change. I also lost like 10 pounds that I did not even need to lose it in the first place. He saw me, and saw how confident and good looking I became and wanted me back...Suprise suprise...I should have never taken him back. He was who I wanted him to be for about 6 months, then the last year was total hell. He slowly reverted back to the POS bf he really is. And, I would say he returned far worse than he was the first time around..I am talking violence and anger that I had never seen before, hanging out with other girls, alcohol abuse, etc...

 

I believe getting back together with him was more of a fantasy come true then an actual relationship. Pretty much every dumpee always dreams about their ex's wanting them back. Well, thats what happened with me. I was caught up with the fact that he actually wanted me back, instead of making sure he made necessary changes and ensuring it was the right thing for me to do.

[jerbear]

I had an emotional affair, close friendship, love interest, etc... and she used me in college.

 

I almost became the god father of her daughter. She chose him over me. Long story short and fast forward 7 years. She called 2 months ago because she is going to divorce her husband because of many issues, drugs, no job, etc... Needed help, she and I hanged out a few months prior and had LC over email. She knew I got got a better life (new car, graduate school) and was ready to move to the next career rung and new career.

 

She not only "improved" her life, she now has two kids, extreme debt load, and lots of baggage. Emotionally she didn't change, gained two kids to the package, physically gotten wider, personality was the same, only saving grace was she graduated on time and gotten her life wish of being a mom.

 

Needless to say I did not take nor want her back. I was to close to completing another life goal.

[Guest]

My bf and I have known each other 15 years, and dated on and off during that time. Rather, we went from friends to friends with benefits, then we stopped seeing each other. Then we went to friends with benefits, but backed off again when we started getting more emotionally close. Then we tried seeing each other 'for real' and again backed off when it started getting close. That time, we thought we were done.

 

We had always remained friends, though I moved a couple thousand miles away. A friend's wedding brought us together again, and we've been together for a year now.

 

Has he changed? We both have, though we are fundamentally the same. When we were younger, we had a lot of rough edges when it came to relationships - some of it was personality-driven, but some of it was also insecurities on my part and uncertainty about what our relationship was about on his part.

 

These days, we both are focused on how wonderful it feels to spend time together and enjoy each other, and on being good to each other. I've learned to understand that his way of expressing love is physical (holding hands, hugs, kisses, sex) and through acts (changing my oil, helping me with my taxes, picking me up from the airport even though my flight is hours late and he has to get up early). He's learned that I won't walk away or love him any less even if I express some issues that are on my mind. We've learned that he speaks in highlights and bottom lines after giving things careful thought; I talk to help me order my thoughts out loud.

 

We've learned to communicate. Is that change? Yes, but both of us were responsible for making the effort.

[norajane]

My SO and I have known each other for 15 years. At first, we were friends, then eventually became fwb, but then backed off after getting into other relationships. Later, we started fwb again, but backed off when we started getting closer and emotions became involved. Another year or so later, we starting dating for real, but again backed off when we got close. We loved each other, but he was uncertain about in-love, and I was insecure in the relationship because of it. Or so we thought.

 

That last time we stopped seeing each other, both of us thought we were done. I ended up moving 2000 miles away and we did remain friends, but neither of us was interested in dating each other though we'd get together for drinks or dinner when I was in town visiting family or on business.

 

7 years later, a friend's wedding brought us together, and we've been seeing each other for the past year. Has he changed? We both have. I've learned that he expresses love through physical touch (holding hands, hugs, kisses, sex) and through acts (chaging the oil in my car, picking me up from the airport when my flight's been delayed late at night and he has to get up early for work). He's learned that the pressure he was feeling about my relationship expectations stemmed from my uncertainty about he felt about me.

 

We're both focused on how much we like being together and enjoying that rather than worrying about how things will turn out between us. That's allowed us to relax and be more open with each other. We've learned to communicate.

 

So, while our fundamental personalities haven't changed - he's still not the kind of guy who's going to run around saying 'I love you' all the time and I still need to believe I'm loved in order to feel secure in a relationship - we've learned to be more open and understanding. We've learned to communicate.

 

So, yes, people can change their relationships and how they deal with each other, though probably not who they are inside.

[Guest]

I think people change only when they realized that something in them needs to be changed. I had a relationship years back that was like that, I was the clingy gilfriend, drove him mad...he broke up with me. It happened like that for a while until i finally realized that I had issues to deal with. I fixed them for myself, became the confident smart woman that I knew I was and he saw that. We reconciled and even got engaged to be married. It was HIM that didn't change. He was still emotionally unavailable, still didn't really care about my thoughts and feelings, still had issues with quitting and leaving when things were hard. I later found out that he left the final time because he had to leave me before I left him. I wasn't that clingy girl anymore, and he was afraid because I was confident now. Of course, I was devastated. How can changing, still drive him away? It was him not me. I realized that and am so much better for it. I still love people deeply, probably too deeply, but now I know that one day I will find my open and honest man. I had him for a fleeting moment...he is off finding himself, whatever that means. Who knows what will come of that. So....my point. harhar...took long enough. People can change behaviors. Not personalities. Clingy, insecurity is a behavior, stemming from something else. Pinpointing the problem brings a solution/change into view. Its a matter of people having the maturity to self examine and get to the crux of the matter. And then the conscious decision to fix it.

 

 

 

Thank you MissTiss, this is incredibly insightful, and exactly what i have been thinking, but you just put it down in words very eloquently......

[sirjay]

I truly believe that every one of us has the capacity to change. I really do. I don't believe in the adage "it's just how i am". thats defeatist. its a matter of wanting to do it or having the right incentive.

 

i also think that everyone has some kind of issues, and often we reach a critical point in our lives where we either tackle our inner fears or decide to allow them to continue to control us.

 

i know that i have issues from my childhood, and in the time i spent since m GF broke up with me, i now understand how these underlying feelings have caused problems in my relationships and my overall sense of security. most of this "therapy", i achieved on my own in the last few months although i am also going to try some counselling too. i feel i have changed a great deal from this and even in this short space of time, ALL of my interactions have changed- with strangers, with friends, lovers and family.

 

don't get me wrong, my GF leaving me forced me into a crisis which has been one of the hardest times in my life, i have had to face up to terrible inner pain. but i have done it, and mostly on my own as it goes.

 

we can all be better people. we can all overcome our demons.

 

if she does eventually take me back when she sees the new me, as i hope she will, i think it will be the first time in my life when i will be able to truly give my heart. without neediness, without insecurity, without reservation.

[alphamale]

I also know most of weaknesses in my former relationship stemmed from my ex.

look sister ....most relationships break downs are a two-way street. i really don't know how you can say it was mostly his fault. everyone says its mostly the other persons fault but the reality is that it takes two to tango.

[KittenMoon]

look sister ....most relationships break downs are a two-way street. i really don't know how you can say it was mostly his fault. everyone says its mostly the other persons fault but the reality is that it takes two to tango.

 

You can tango when one person is trying to dance with 100% of their being and the other is only using 10%, but it's a lousy dance. So yeah, I blame him mostly. And the people who knew both of us intimately as a couple and equally as friends agree. I gave, I tried, he didn't.

 

Actually, one of the things that surprised me the most after we broke up is that one of my GUY friends, who had known both of us for as long as we knew each other said to me, without hearing the situation or speaking to either of us: "there were some issues in your relationship and it definetly wasn't coming from you."

 

I've never had the guts to ask specifically what he meant...

[alphamale]

You can tango when one person is trying to dance with 100% of their being and the other is only using 10%, but it's a lousy dance. So yeah, I blame him mostly...

No...here is my take on it. He's 50% to blame becuase he gave only 10% and you are 50% to blame becasue you still stayed in the relationship after knowing full well he was only giving 10%.

[KittenMoon]

No...here is my take on it. He's 50% to blame becuase he gave only 10% and you are 50% to blame becasue you still stayed in the relationship after knowing full well he was only giving 10%.

 

That's pretty cynical. I'm 50% to blame because I tried to save something I believed with all my heart was worth trying to save? I don't buy that. I think it would make more sense to say I'm 0% to blame because I tried my damn hardest. It failed, but at least I tried. But I'm generous and I give it a 10% me, 90% him spread.

[sirjay]

look sister ....most relationships break downs are a two-way street. i really don't know how you can say it was mostly his fault. everyone says its mostly the other persons fault but the reality is that it takes two to tango.

 

 

I don't. It was entirely my fault that my GF broke up with me and I am 100% clear about what was wrong. I have changed the things that needed changing, and i hope eventually she will forgive me and see i am sincere. we'll see.

[alphamale]

I don't. It was entirely my fault that my GF broke up with me

no, it was both of your's fault that she broke up with you.

[KittenMoon]

no, it was both of your's fault that she broke up with you.

 

I thought you didn't even believe in LTRs alpha, why do you bother to comment on them so much?

[alphamale]

I thought you didn't even believe in LTRs alpha, why do you bother to comment on them so much?

I've never said that KM....I've been in a few LTRs and was even married for 3.5 yrs.

[KittenMoon]

I've never said that KM....I've been in a few LTRs and was even married for 3.5 yrs.

 

So what did you do wrong? What would you have done differently?

[alphamale]

So what did you do wrong? What would you have done differently?

I can't go into all that right now KM...

[KittenMoon]

I can't go into all that right now KM...

 

Oh well.

[Pyro]

That's pretty cynical. I'm 50% to blame because I tried to save something I believed with all my heart was worth trying to save? I don't buy that. I think it would make more sense to say I'm 0% to blame because I tried my damn hardest. It failed, but at least I tried. But I'm generous and I give it a 10% me, 90% him spread.

 

Yes you did try. That is why you should not blame yourself. this guy had in front of him the best thing that will ever happen to him and he blew it. Not your fault.

[Kengne]

I've had two ex's come back, but the 1st one came back... horribly so. I think it was karma coming to bite me in my a$$.

 

Knew D for 3 mths... I introduced him to my good friend A, as I was with my bf S at the time. When D & A began to like each other, I realized I liked D and wanted him for myself. Yes - I was silly & immature as teens in H.S. are. So I ended things abrubptly w S (broke his heart in the process with the classic "it isn't you, it's ME!" line).. and immediately began dating D. Told my good friend A, sorry - I knew D first. Like a true friend, A backed off.

 

So then D and I dated for 1.5 blissfully happy mths, at which point he told me he liked my good friend A better than me. Ouch. D broke up with me, to pursue my friend A.

 

So I let him go... D talked to my friend A WITH my reluctant blessing. A and I stopped talking.

 

*HERE'S THE STUPID PART*

 

So 2 or so mths later...right after new years, OUT OF NOWHERE D comes back. Tells me how he realized he made a huge mistake, and he wants ME and not A. Like a stupid fool overly eager for a 2nd chance bcuz I really liked him, I take him back and do not question the truth of his story. Neither do I confirm it with A, as we are STILL not talking.

 

1.5 mths go by... D is a COMPLETELY different person. Cold, unresponsive, not affectionate. Who is this guy? I can't take it anymore, and finally break up with him. UGH. I 100% regret taking him back.

 

Weeks later.. I finally talked to A who told me she PUNKED D because she wasn't feeling his looks... and he lied abt that, and came runnning back to me!

 

Lesson learned: karma comes back for you strong.

 

K.