How do you let them go if it means leaving yourself?

[Due South]

How do you find the strength to throw in the towel?

 

My husband and I are in a very dark place, and have been for a few months now (together 3 years). I feel like we are flogging a dead horse yet I just can't bring myself to leave. I love him dearly but right now he has all the power and it seems to be me left on my proverbial knees.

 

I want to walk away now with _at_least_ a bit of dignity and I certainly do not want him to wind him hating me. It is definately heading down that path yet I cannot seem to let him be. I'm terrible for ringing in tears, pleading for him to think about it a little - which he usually does (and comes right again). He never lets me forget my past (reasonably minor) mistakes and holds them up for inspection whenever I anger him or try to assume some kind of control (decision-making, holidays blah blah). I feel so pathetic as I protest to deaf ears - even as the words are coming out of my mouth.

 

Slowly but surely I feel myself getting more and more exasperated and feelings of anger are seeping through. It's beginning to dawn on me that maybe he really does mean all the terrible things he says. Maybe this really is it - or does he still love me?? I don't know and I don't know how to encourage him to show me his feelings of love and compassion (if he has any left which he says he doesnt). He has never been one for words.

 

He hasn't slept in our bed for about 3 months now and I feel like its because he thinks I am disgusting. Yet he hasn't left the house and its driving me insane. I want him to call me darling again and hold me but I can see no way back to that kind of behaviour. He knows its me that seems to mostly be in the wrong and he holds it above my head all the while bleating about "trying again".

 

I don't have anywhere else to go but I am not short of money so I can easily move - but it's so hard to attempt leaving a situation that you are happy to be miserable in.

 

I love him and want to work it out yet I am talking to a brick wall. It's so frustrating and traumatic at times - and each time I promise myself "no more tears or stupid calls". I cant let it be yet he still doesn't leave. All at the same time I'm relieved yet I am horrified at the prospect of him staying.

 

And me? I make baby steps towards moving out and then a giant belly-flop back the otherway. Im in limbo, pergatory (sp?) if you will and I just don't know which way to turn. Without the support of family and friends I don't have many people to turn to - except my husband. Grr!

 

I know its destructive and unhealthy but I can't bear leaving. I have to ask what may sound like a stupid question - just How do you make yourself leave the one you love? How to step out and just Do It? I feel like its merely the piece of paper stopping him but my heart is in pieces and I'm pretty frightened. I want to get out of his line of sight because I think its what he wants - yet all I want to do is stay and sort it out.

 

sorry for the ramble..... lonely and confused