Think I married the wrong guy

[Guest]

I've been married for three months and don't have that in love feeling. He's a very nice guy and I love him, but don't feel in love like I have with other relationships. He hasn't had many relationships before me and while he's very sweet and dedicated he's so clingy and overwhelming - almost too sugary sweet. I'm sweet to him and have always been an affectionate person, but can't return the enthusiasm he seems to have. I'm wondering if it balance out and or did I make a mistake by marrying him?

 

Everything was so rushed, now I feel like we're finally getting to know each other. I would describe myself as a patient person and pretty tolerant of other people's behavior, but I find myself becoming irritated and embarrased by his behavior. Sometimes I just wish he would act normal. We've changed things a lot logistically to be together. I just feel like I'm not being true to either of us if I can't feel in love. If I can change to make this work I will. Is there hope or would it be better for both of us to admit my mistake?

[Devildog]

So would you say you married this guy out of a feeling of obligation? That you didn't want to hurt him because he was a nice, sweet guy who hadn't done anything wrong to justify breaking up with him?

 

You can try sticking things out, but with these feelings only a few months into the marriage, I'm not sure how successful that will be.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that the high divorce rate we see now is because people are afraid to admit when they are unhappy before marriage. That they feel an excessive obligation to keep giving other people a chance to change and fit into what they are looking for.

[Vertex]

If he is clingy let him know to back down a bit but let him know you still love him -- if you do, that is. Otherwise, re-evaluate the marriage.

[dgiirl]

You just got married 3 months ago, and you say you've changed a lot of things logistically. Is it possible that with all the changes you're a little depressed and stressed out? You becoming irritated is naturual when he keeps doing things that are irriatating you, however, it's your responsibility to ask him to stop doing things that are pissing you off. It's not fair to be mad at him until you take some actions to resolve it. You're still early in the game, and getting out now would be best for everyone (just dont get pregnant), if that's what it comes down to. Maybe some counselling would be a good idea? But please please listen to me when I say things will NOT get better unless you DO something about it. Things like this dont automagically get better on their own, they get worse. So please do something about it. Counselling, talking, whatever, just dont ignore the problem. You wont be doing you OR him a favour. Yes, you might hurt him, but it would hurt soo soo much more if in 10 years you decide to get out and you tell him you never loved him in 10 years.

[gypsygal44]

You say you don't feel that in love feeling that you felt in other relationships. What is your definition of that in love feeling? Mostly that in love feeling at the beginning is just hormones. However, I agree with dgiirl, it might be stress about the changes. It takes time to adjust to being with someone 24/7. Think about what are some of the things you do to irritate him?

 

I was married for over 20 yrs. It will hurt soo much more if you wait for a longer period of time. Most people don't give marriage a long enough try. 3 months is just the initial trial living together period. Get couseling thru a professional or clergy. They won't tell you what to do they will help you get to your own answers.

 

No one can tell you what to do. Only you will realize what is best for you. If you married him out of pity or something else but love it isn't going to work. Someone one once asked me when I was questioning if I wanted to marry my now EXH, If he were injured in an accident and could not walk, talk or make love again for the rest of his life could you see yourself beside him still? I knew the right answer for me. Now you have to find the answer for yourself. Good Luck.

 

Gypsy

[DaisyBelle]

Sounds like you married my ex-husband. Your paragraph perfectly describes what I experienced, also within three months. I kept waiting for him to act normally and only after a few months of marriage did I realize this was normal behavior for him. Apparently the person I saw during the engagement period wasn't the real deal.

 

As others have said previously, this is a question to which only you know the answer. The longer it goes on, the more deceitful it becomes. I'd recommend being painfully honest about your feelings with your husband (and avoid getting pregnant at all costs).

 

It's very important to listen to your heart and not succumb to social obligations or pressures.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Me and my husband have been married sine Dec of 2005. (Not very long I know). I came into the marriage with everything including a 3 yr old daughter. 2 wks after we got married I caught him masturbating and confronted him about it. He said he was sorry and would never do it again. 1 month later my cable bill was $382 due to his porn and masturbation addiction. Cut all cable access off to our house and he promised that he would seek counseling and fix the problem I thought he had. In his eyes he doesn't have a problem. I had to get the internet so that I could finish my degree in Criminal Justice, but put a password on it so he couldn't look up any porn's. Next thing you know he overwrited my parental password so that he could get onto is "cumsquirts" link. I cut off the internet then got it turned back on 3 wks ago so that I could catch up in my school due to the library not being the best place to take a midterm online. (Not much time). Anyway, Yesterday I looked onto the internet and I got an IM from this girl (last name was Eugene- she's military) and she said "when are we going to finish our sex session from 2 days ago." I broke down into tears and wrote her back saying that I was his wife and would appreciate it if she didn't write back to him anymore. She told me to f*** off b**** cause they were in love and have been for over a year. He never mentioned anything about a g-friend or wife. I confronted him about it and he denied ever knowing the girl. I cont to look on our history page and found 7 gay (guy on guy) porno sights that he swears he knows nothing about yet they are in the middle of his usual porn sites that he's always looking at. If I don't have internet I can't finish my degree so I have to refuse to turn it off. The next best thing I had was to put in the main computer password that in order to access the internet at all you have to have a password. Today he yelled, cussed and called me every name in the book for locking him out the computer. Now honestly, tell me what I'm suppose to do when he has done this repeatedly, broke promises and lied, then blames it all on me like I never want to have sex yet he's always the one shooting me down and can never get it up. The one time I agreed he could keep his addiction as long as he kept his hands out his pants we didn't have sex for over a month. I have already sought counseling for this many of times and have turned into an alcoholic because of it which requires me to go to AA meetings, anger management for the temper I have suddenly let loose of and all that on top of trying to find out what I'm doing wrong. Someone please help me because I'm loosing it I'm so hurt. I honestly thought that we were soulmates, yet know I find myself wishing I would have cheated on him just so that he could feel half of the pain that I feel.