Overseas/Lonely/Low-Self Esteem

[GameMakerThomas]

Hello, I'm Thomas. I'm in high school, and in August I moved from Boston over here to Stuttgart Germany. This is nothing new - I'm used to moving almost every year. But this is the first time since I was 2 that I've been overseas. We live on an American base, so there are Americans here. My highschool has ~600 people. I have recently hung out (during lunch and at school events) with a small group of people lately, a change over my shyness and anti-socialness. They're a really awesome group. Unforuntantly, ALL of them are moving by the end of the school year. Except one (more on that later)

Evan's moving tomorrow. So come next year I will have no friends. I don't want to go through 3 quarters by myself again.

 

Anyways, I've never been out with a girl. I'm a programmer, a loser, ugly, whatever. Now I'm very good at getting friends that are girls. I've been reading some of the stuff on here, trying it, not much is working. Unfortunantly most of the people I like are moving, no real biggie. But none of them are really intrested in me, I start all the conversations, ask the questions... Granted, some of them smile and laugh at my silly antics (I'm a weird guy) but they even say hi to me.

 

Am I doing something wrong?

 

The problem with doing anything after school is the housing issue. Some people live on base, some live at other bases, and others live off base (I live off base)

 

So if I miss the bus, I'm screwed. Can't hangout. I also have an after-school job that takes up 4/7 days.

I've got my goals set in order - My graduation plan, the colleges I want to get into, (MIT, Berkeley, CalPoly) the job I want. Many people say I'm going to be rich, because my mind is overflowing knowledge, (a little too much, some people have told me they learn a new thing everyday from me) and I have one of the highest GPA's in my grade (4.0)

 

I'm funny, I'm outgoing, (When Im not being shy) I'm very, I don't know, loose, when I'm talking to girls, am I missing something?

 

Okay, so I mentioned one person from the group I hang out with that still going to be here for a few years, along with me. Her name is Lauren, and I'm pretty interested in her. She's not incredibly hot, but thats fine. She likes a lot of the stuff I do, and she's sort of a computer geek. (not really though - but she does speak fluent 1337)

But I did something retarded and talked to her over IM how I was so lonely, blah blah blah... Oops.

I have no idea what she thinks of me, we're sorta friends but we haven't hung out too much, but I talk to her a bit over IM.

I'm sort of probing her interests, hobbies, etc...

She laughs at a lot of my retarded stuff I say..

(

 

So what now? When summer break comes, chances of doing anything is null.

 

Moderator removed outside links & transcript of online chat

[DotMasta]

Hi Thomas,

 

Sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle, it sucks being alone if you don't enjoy it. I think this is a great opportunity for you to concentrate on what's important in your life - you. Consider personal growth, the accumulation of knowledge, physical fitness. There's not much point seeing friends as the holy grail of life, focussing on your loneliness and the lack of a gf is a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I've been in a similar situation at uni, picked the wrong halls of residence and ended up with a bunch of asians and geeks. Not that there's anything wrong with either, I study computer science so I am one myself, asians are friendly people, but they tend to form groups pretty quickly.

 

Anyways my advice to you is to do what I did: use the time you have alone to focus on yourself. You say your grades are already good, but i see a fundamental flaw if you root your self-esteem in whether you have friends or not. You say you're funny and clever, and to be honest you don't need much more to get any chick you want. Plus I looked at those pics, and dude, you're really, really harsh on yourself. You are not ugly, wherever you got that idea from - get rid of it!

 

I would recommend investing in some sharp threads (clothes), you've got a job, so use the money to pimp yourself out a bit. Do the best with what you got, stay clean, smell good, i changed to contact lenses from glasses but now i'm using my glasses more because of the computer screens. A really basic thing that looks good on any guy: a nice white collared shirt and jeans, try it, then judge yourself. You're a funny guy so you know to smile anyways.

 

If you want a girl, chillax, flirt with as many girls as you feel comfortable, get off IM (it's fun and useful but conversations should be short and sweet, the longer they run the more they just become a waste of time) .

Computers are good fun to work with, but they're simply tools, human interaction is what gives life emotion. Want friends? Play sports, make jokes in class, found a 1337-Krew CS Clan, whatever. Read "How to have a beautiful Mind" by Edward de Bono, i think everybody should have read that book imho.

 

Phew, that's that, any questions? Did i miss anything?

 

DotMasta

[Chloe89]

itz ok, you can easily change how gurls feel about you!! n well, first of all, you should stop putting yourself down. how is ne1 supposed to be interested if youre saying that youre ugly, a loser, or moron or w/e. youre not ne of those things! second of all, you should have this attitude when it comes to gurls::: this is me, lyk it or leave it.

 

as a gurl, i realli lyk it when guys do sumthin nice for me. even sumthing as small as a compliment means a lot. if you think Laurens starting to get interested, flirt w/ her but dont make it obvious. but, also dont seem desperate. as a gurl, theres almost nuthing less attractive than a guy that i'm not interested in who's constantly staring at me n talking to me all the time. so, if she's not interested, flirt w/ her as subtly as possible. dont make too much eye contact. dont start convos w/ her out of the blue. if she wants to talk, first let her talk to you. otherwise you mite drive her further away. heres another thing, subtly flirt w/ other gurls a little too. this will show her that youre comfortable w/ the opposite sex, n she wont be getting the "has he ever dated another gurl before?" vibe. but dont make the classic guy-mistake of pretending that youre not interested in her at all. this is very unflattering to gurls...n every1 knows how much gurls love to be appreciated. show her youre vaguely attracted at first, but dont turn all stalker-ish n stare at her every 5 seconds.

 

to me, it sounds like b4 you do nething tho, you should realli up your confidence. trust me, i dont even know you, n you seem like a pretty kewl person. dont worrie, im sure everything will work out for you.

[GameMakerThomas]

Thanks for the responses.

Let me quote a few things and respond.

 

"You are not ugly, wherever you got that idea from - get rid of it!"

I dunno, but so many people have told me that I'm ugly.

 

"I would recommend investing in some sharp threads (clothes), you've got a job, so use the money to pimp yourself out a bit."

After my wallet recovers from purchasing a new PMP and a PhsyX card I'll think about it... Still got to mod my case though, next payday's Friday! I'll get like 300 dollars I think.

My Krispie Kreme donuts shirt is THE conversation magnet. Wherever I go, I hear people talk about it to their friends ("Man I love hot donuts!") or a lot of people just randomly talk to me like "Those are really good!"

My other hot item is my Dungeons and Dragons shirt.

I'm going to need to buy more of those.

 

"Do the best with what you got, stay clean, smell good, i changed to contact lenses from glasses but now i'm using my glasses more because of the computer screens."

I stay clean (except my hair ) but the doctor says I cant get contacts till I'm 16 because I have an astigmatism and they're too big of a responsibility for me. I llike glasses though. Some people have told me I look better with them on than off.

 

"A really basic thing that looks good on any guy: a nice white collared shirt and jeans, try it, then judge yourself."

I dont own a single pair of jeans. I own two pairs of khakis (for work) and then all sweat pants and shorts. The metal snaps on jeans make me break out in rashes (I'm allergic to nickel)

Thanks for reminding my about the collared shirts. I would usually wear an open one (but like a red or blue plaid one) over my shirt, I fell really spiffy doing that XD

 

"chillax"

Chill + relax

Dunno... sounds like some sort of window defrosting fluid.

 

"get off IM (it's fun and useful but conversations should be short and sweet, the longer they run the more they just become a waste of time)"

That's the only time I get to talk to people.

 

"make jokes in class,"

I do. Wayyyy too much. Sometimes I get in trouble for that, but must of my teachers like me enough to not care.

 

"found a 1337-Krew CS Clan,"

What?

 

Oh and CS sucks.

 

Thanks. I'll read up on some theories.

 

 

"as a gurl, i realli lyk it when guys do sumthin nice for me. even sumthing as small as a compliment means a lot."

I do that often.

 

 

 

Eh... I feel very uncomfortable flirting, like I dont fit in. Should a nerd being flirting??

 

 

 

Alright, thanks guys (and gals)

[DarkDwarf]

Damn I wish I had a girlfriend that spoke 1337. You're lucky that you know a girl that even knows what 1337 is. I don't think it would be hard for you to get a girlfriend. I would personally get some contacts. I know that I seemed to be a lot more attractive when I started wearing contacts.

 

[17:34] Thomas - Ruler of Waffles: No

[17:34] Lauren: me?

[17:34] Thomas - Ruler of Waffles: yeah

 

^^^That is bothering me^^^

 

When she said "like anyone" did she mean do you have a crush on anyone or like as a friend?

 

Sometimes it takes awhile for people to find a person they feel confterble with. You should be fine.

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclamer: DarkDwarf is not responable for any deaths/harm to anyone that results from listening to him.

[GameMakerThomas]

Okay, I'm sick of sitting on my ass whining, so I'm going to ask her out tomorrow. Best of luck to me.

[Love Hurts]

Thomas,

 

You have low self esteem,,,,,,,,,,, some where along the way you lost yourself or haven't yet discovered yourself.

 

I wonder if your parents gave you all the praise they could along with encouragement? If they did and they are nurturing to you...

 

Perhaps the moving around loosing your peers, building new relationships and loosing those people to finding yourself alone has brought you to this place where you think so little of yourself?

 

At times in life we all loose people we care about....part of life is the pain we must endure... yik.... ouch.

 

What does not kill us makes us stronger.

 

This is a time when you can look into yourself and find out what it is you like to do most.... some hobby or sport...... your studies.... If you have the financial means join a club take self defense classes.... Something.

 

You get the picture......Your heart it is filled with emotion.

You have pain......... Psycologically you do not like who you are..

 

Tell yourself, I'm ok............... if you make a mistake........ say it's ok no big deal........... and try again........ Focus on the good things you have done so far in life.

 

Tell yourself how amazing you. You could go overseas and make new friends..... thats a plus..

 

They will be leaving, yet you have it within yourself to make friends..

Very good people skills.

The more you distract yourself with activities, the less you will focus on your loss, your pain and your personal dislikes of self. You will be building on your achievments and the good things you are capable of accomplishing.

 

Self help is key. The friends will simply appear along lifes way, seemingly almost effortlessly as you can talk about your accomplishments, personal goals, beautiful days and wonderful sunsets...............

 

You have everything you need to live this life. Just take it one day a time and one day you will tell stories of how your life was ...when you were overseas .............

 

One day at a time.............

[j.carsey]

I'm a programmer, a loser, ugly, whatever.

 

Oh ho ho Thomas you have got to change that tone. Here's an exercise for you to do at home:

 

1. Get a mirror

 

2. Look into it and describe what you said above, but completely change the connotaton: "I'm a brilliant computer programmer, I can make the computer do whatever the hell I demand. I'm weird and different so I get along best with interesting people"

 

3. Does it seem corny? You bet!! Now, even if it seems like you're being sarcastic, repeat this in the mirror with a smile. I don't think it matters whether you truly believe what you're saying ... but keep practicising this until it LOOKS like you believe what you're saying.

 

See you have just faked confidence, it's a great thing to have. It might be fake but it will have a positive influence on friendships you build, because really everyone in the world can be either a loser or a hero depending on which side of themselves they choose to SHOW to other people.

 

Don't show people your anxiety, complaints.