RealityCheck Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Seriously, I don't know whether to laugh or smuck myself up side the head! Most of you know my story of how I was NC for 5 1/2 months then my MM came to my door only 2 weekends ago a mess wanting to see me in which I agreed because it kept me in a "non-committed relationship. Well this weekend I got a call from my MM saying that he will be going NC. Why? Because he said he had a long talk with his W for the first time in 4 freakin years and he felt that he should really try to work on the M. I don't want to be misunderstood, so I'm going to tell you all that I said to him I thought he was doing the right thing! I am all for trying to repair a marriage. My dilema is.... I have a gut and intuitive feeling this sagma is not over! Thing is, I'm really beginning to feel more like a yo-yo with this guy! The way I see it is, if he wants to stay, freakin stay! If he chooses to go, freakin go! But all in all I'm getting a little tired of going on "HIS" rollar coaster ride. I guess you all would agree that he really should "Fix Himself" right? Zara WWIU MO Sami BI SL LNF HELP! Anyone out there! Needing some opinions! Man! I'm pissed! Link to post Share on other sites
Iwanttohope Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Yes, I agree that he should fix himself. If he doesn't and he comes straight to you then he'll bring all his "issues" with him. But I would be pissed too if my xMM came back after that long and then initiated NC--to say that's unfair to you is a gross understatement. I'm sorry--I know the emotionaly ping pong is awful. I'm on day 19 and I can't imagine 5 1/2 of NC only to begin all over again. Are you OK emotionally or did seeing him again rip you apart? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 IWTH... I was okay seeing him again. It didn't rip me apart as much as having the desire to get intimate with him. We certainly did having going on in that department. Going NC for that long really helped me to sort out many of my emotions that I felt while I was actually in the A. I guess, I will miss that part again! I have to admit, having ONE intimate partner in a "non committed relationship" was the bonus. *Sigh* I can't stand drama, and the A certainly brought of lot of that into my life so I can't say I miss that! But with him in my life even casual it seems to re-create itself. Has me wanting to ask the question.... Does everyone in an A feel drama? Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Wow RC!!!!!! I can't believe he said that after falling apart like he did!!! It just goes to show you - well for one thing - you can't necessarily believe what they say in a heated moment. I'm sure all his drama and crying when he showed up at your door was gut wrenching. But this is bizarre!!! He's too mixed up and you don't need that!! And I know you don't want to be caught up in the drama!! I THINK you now know you're not dealing with a full deck!! Best to fold! Don't let him do this to you again!! He's a man, he should start acting like one!! Gosh!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 MO... I know! I know! WTF! He is a mess alright! Personally, MO...I really believe he fell pretty hard for me and he wasn't expecting that to happen! I think this is a major problem of why he is so F**ked Up! I believe when I was straight with him and told him I don't want a "committed relationship" and if he decided to leave his W that he couldn't come here. He must have got scared and decided he's probably best where he is with his W and end it completely with me because of his deep feelings. That's my guess. I maybe wrong because I haven't had even a year of experience in the A. MovinOn, if you could have been a fly on the wall a couple of weeks ago, you wouldn't have believed it! He was a mess! Now this! *shakes head* Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 See I remember you saying that you don't want a committed relationship and I was wondering, if he was that messed up, how could he be happy with that? I think you might be right! He wants more than you're willing to give and I think he's realized that. It sounds like he was more in love with you than you were with him, and you can't give him what he wants. So what's the point in leaving! Gee, weird how the shoe is on the other foot this time!!! You don't see THAT too often!! Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 My dilema is.... I have a gut and intuitive feeling this sagma is not over! Thing is, I'm really beginning to feel more like a yo-yo with this guy! The way I see it is, if he wants to stay, freakin stay! If he chooses to go, freakin go! But all in all I'm getting a little tired of going on "HIS" rollar coaster ride. I guess you all would agree that he really should "Fix Himself" right? RCH, what is your choice? Why do you let him choose what YOUR life is going to be like? You can choose to stay and be "like a yo-yo with this guy", but you can also choose to go. It's your life, you don't owe him anything, he doesn't owe you anything. He said he wants to try to work things out at home. Let him. Stay away from him. If he doesn't want to 'fix' himself and figure it out for him self, the situation will never change. You cannot tell him he needs to change and fix himself. He needs to want it and do it, not just talk about it. Get off that bumpy ride and start living your own life. Be ready for him to come back. They always do. As much as you might feel you love him and want to be with him, MM are usually not worth the heard-ache and emotions you are going through. Wasting your love/hate on your MM is a waste of time for you. Focus on yourself, figure why you got involved and what draws you to him. Spend time thinking about it and spend time thinking about the answers you came up with. You might find that at the end you will laugh at your foolishness and naivity. I wish you strenght and clear mind! Please, don't take this reply as an attact or anything like that. I was OW, too, I'm trying to help the ones who are still dealing with this issue to see things from different perspective. MOI:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 MO.... Yes, this is a strange turn of events that's for sure! I will admit, it has had some affect on me. This is the yo-yo part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 MOAI... No worries here on the "attack". *laughing* I don't take anything personally on this Forum. Many of the ladies here have been a tremendous amount of support and I have built some friends here. If you followed my story, you would know that I wasn't in it for a "committed relationship". It appears, he now is! This is the yo-yo. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I'm really beginning to feel more like a yo-yo with this guy! The way I see it is, if he wants to stay, freakin stay! If he chooses to go, freakin go! But all in all I'm getting a little tired of going on "HIS" rollar coaster ride. Don't get sucked back in - Strings or no strings, this MM is not the man you should involve yourself with as a FWB. Also, the fact now you know he wants to try to work out his marriage again, respect that choice of his - And for his wife. If he calls you again, flipping out that he misses you - Wish him the best and tell him it's over, not to call you again. You have control over your own life and I hope you choose NOT to allow him back in. There's more at stake now, and it's affecting YOU. So, end the yo-yo ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 {{{{{Shaking head}}}}} "They " really dont know what they want, do they? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 WWIU... Yes, this is true "more at steak now". I did make it "perfectly" clear in my post that I do honor his decision to make his marriage work! Heck! Makes NC alot easier in that respect. Like I said, "he's the one that ended up on my door step after 5 1/2 months of NC!" The yo-yo is "hello, good-bye, hello, good-bye". If I would have known the outcome this weekend, I would never have let him in my place to begin with two weeks ago! Link to post Share on other sites
eyeswideshut Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 RC, What exactly happened when he came over and he was a mess. Did he tell you he loves you? DId you tell him? How much of it did you show? I don't think he's playing you, just is afraid that you won't be there if he ends up leaving his wife? I mean why else would he go back after all this time and then INITIATE his own NC? I don't understand his motives, does he think you will still be waiting? Did he get the impression that after these five months you were waiting or that you had moved on and was fine with that? OH GOD!!!! How totally unpredictable was that? Why even come back? When you initiated NC in the beginning, how did you do it? Were you friendly and understanding? I'm interested to know how many of us OW who are in NC still get phoned and emailed, and just don't respond. Or do the phone calls stop altogether? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 WWIU.... I went NC by sending a very heart felt email. Told the truth! Truth being, I was falling hard and fast and initially I only thought our A could pacify me until I met the ONE that would be looking for the same things that I was looking for in a "non-live-in relationship. He kept sending me emails and I never responded for 5 months until I finally responded saying "please do not email me". Two weeks later, he showed up on my door step confessing how much he was in love with me and said he would leave his marriage. I didn't want him to because I don't want a "live-in relationship. We ended up....well...having incredible sex and I told him straight that I remain with living on my own. He was completely fine with that as long as he could still be with me. This weekend, he went NC. Nuts! Absolutely Nuts! "nice seeing you again WWIU!" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 That is nuts! He probably can't handle now just having one woman in his life, his wife. Maybe he realize how f***ed up he really is and losing you made him freakout, which then pushed him into NC...I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 WWIU..... I don't believe this is over! He'll be back! I can feel it! I would probably still want to see him again "on my terms". Talk about he and I having a tug-of-war! *laughing* Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 This has to be a first!! Unbelievable!! But you know what you want and I don't think you'll play games with his mind, letting him think he can have something that you are not willing to give. So it seems to me, you're going to have to be the strong one and stick to your guns. You don't have to act like the usual MM, having your own cake. Because then you become one of them. Do you really want to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I agree MO-05. Knowing what you know now, is he worth all that drama? Just to have a guy who will be with you when you want? You DO have the power right now to completely END IT and stay away from him. Maybe more for his sake than your own... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 MO... WWIU.... You are both correct in saying that "NO! I am not into games". I have learned that an A brings this sort of thing but if I didn't experience it first handed, I would have never known. I do believe I am strong in that sense and I do maintain my position in knowing what I want. I can't say that this didn't bother me because of what he pulled off in the last couple of weeks. It certainly brought more clairity that's for sure! *Big Hug* Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Is this what happened: You went NC for 5 months, during which you ignored his emails till recently. Then you responded to one telling him not to contact you again. Then you went online, found him on a married people's dating site, and started chatting to him incongnito. At that point I think he realised it was you, and that you were still into him in some way (you might not agree, but I think he may have done). He then turned up on your doorstep, confessed he'd missed you, confessed he'd been online (because, imho he knew you knew), and you let him in, had sex with him but... told him you didn't want a full-time R with him. Then he went away and has now told you he wants to work on his M so he's putting you on NC? --- My gut feeling is that he's not happy because he can't have you on a piece of string. You're too strong for him in one way... you're happy to have sex with him, but don't want more... And he's confused by that. And, I suspect, it's not so much about working on his M (he could have done that 5 months ago!), it's a reaction to your rejection of him. He's doing NC to be vindictive. I'm willing to admit I might be way off with this, but there might be some truth in it. It's just a stab at interpretation, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 Hi Sami.... I'm 100% sure that he did not suspect me online. I know this by the conversation we had. I would bet my last dollar on it! I do agree, that he can be going NC to be vindictive. That is very possible! In fact, that thought did cross my mind. I do believe he definately has a fight goining on inside of him with how strong his feelings are for me. Something he never anticipated when we first began the A. I think he is trying to shut his feelings for me down. You see, when we met he always maintained that he did not love his W and that the only reasons he was there were for "practicle reasons". I was fine with that because I did not want a "live-in relationship" so I figured the A would be safe not only for him, but for me as well! What we both didn't realize, and it has only been through the experience was how hard and fast we both fell for each other. With me going NC for 5 months, I was able to sort through much of my emotions, but he obviously never did. That is what brought him to my door step two weeks ago. Believe me Sami, I was not expecting him to be such a mess and I really felt vulnerable to that! He cried like a baby and said he was so in love with me that it literally was making him sick! (I know that feeling, because I felt it when I was NC). I do believe he is scared s***less of the entire fight of wanting to stay in his marriage for "practicle reasons" and wanting to be with me because he really is "in love with me" but knows I don't want a "live-in relationship" so he is forced to make a decision in terms of all or nothing. I told him that he could be with me as long as he had his place and I had mine. That's where I stand! I just don't believe he is prepared risk the dreaded court proceeding of Divorce and not have me EXACTLY the way he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I do believe he definately has a fight goining on inside of him with how strong his feelings are for me. Something he never anticipated when we first began the A. I think he is trying to shut his feelings for me down. ... I do believe he is scared s***less of the entire fight of wanting to stay in his marriage for "practicle reasons" and wanting to be with me because he really is "in love with me" but knows I don't want a "live-in relationship" so he is forced to make a decision in terms of all or nothing. I told him that he could be with me as long as he had his place and I had mine. That's where I stand! I just don't believe he is prepared risk the dreaded court proceeding of Divorce and not have me EXACTLY the way he wants. You're probably right... it does seem like he's all over the place. But... most importantly... how are you feeling about this now..? Back to square one..? Or like things have moved forward? And how do you feel about him having been on that dating site..? How does that fit into a possible future with him (or not)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 Sami... He openly told me he went on that site with the intention to try and get me out of his head. He figured if he could find another it would lessen his pain. He also said "it didn't serve his purpose and did tell me word for word of the conversations he had. He held nothing back! Word for word even with the character I developed. Now you can only imagine how hard it was for me to remain detached from that one! As far as my feelings for him at this point, they definately are there! Maybe not as intense, but there for sure! Like I said, I am just blown away by his decision to go NC, when a week prior, he was willing to accept my position. My guess, he won't last a week in NC. Yes, it is possible, but with him I don't think so. One thing is for certain, I will NOT contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie61 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 My guess, he won't last a week in NC. Yes, it is possible, but with him I don't think so. RC, For what it is worth, I think you are right. You have not seen the last of him yet... Now it is a matter of deciding what you want to do and how you will deal with everything WHEN he contacts you again.... Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I agree with Jessie... this is a good opportunity for you to decide exactly what it is you want from him, if anything. And then get yourself determined to stick with that, whatever it is. He will be back. Link to post Share on other sites
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