Oh Brother! Now I'm like Huh??

[RealityCheck]

Well, as predicted contact has been made by the MM last night.

 

He's a real mess. His reason for going NC was to try and give his M a good hard effort. If you all can remember, it was because his W had one of her infrequent moments of appreciation. He went NC last weekend and he told me by the middle of the week, it was the "same o'l same o'l" s***.

 

I said to him, "Look, marriage does take effort" however if the other spouse is not willing to put in the same amount of effort, it goes no where and it will always remain the same.

 

I told him that over the 18 years of marriage, he had become accustomed to his W's emotional abuse and is viewing this as a way of life. It wasn't until he had an A with me that he started to see things differently in his marriage. I told him that I cannot help him and that he can only help himself to make his own decision whether he wants to stay or go.

 

His major dilema is his child who he loves. He is so worried that if he leaves and the "shared custody" is put into place that his W will emotionally play on their child as well. He said with him being at home, at least he can has some form of control where he just takes the child out for the day when his W is in her moods.

 

I told him that I am dealing with the issue of my ex H using our son as a pawn as well, and it is extremely difficult to re-program my little guy when he gets back home after a weekend with his father. However I told him that after a day my little guy settles. I told my MM that it pains me to see my son go through this but I have to be the bigger person and rise above all the crap, and love my child with love and not guilt. That setting structure and rules are equally as important as pouring all my love into my son.

 

I told my MM that no matter what choice he makes, it is going to be work! Hard work! But eventually things have a way of working themselves out! I told him that for me, when I left my ex H's emotional abuse, that freeing myself and my kids, is worth all the work involved. That I have never regretted my decision for one moment and that me and my kids are very much at peace on our own. No more walking on egg shells, only feathers under our feet.

 

I gotta tell you all, my heart is breaking for him because I too lived his hell! I would feel the same for anyone who is living in an abusive relationship, but because we have been involved, I am feeling for him 10 fold.

[movinon05]

And yet he's still going on that website! He's too mixed up/messed up.

 

But you did give him sound advice about the kids.

[Jessie61]

But you did give him sound advice about the kids.

 

Yes, he can learn a lot from RC in relation to the kids... What is the upshot of last night's contact, RC? NC again? Or stay in touch and see what happens?

[RealityCheck]

And yet he's still going on that website! He's too mixed up/messed up.

 

But you did give him sound advice about the kids.

 

Oh forgot to mention the website thing. He told me that he went to the site! He said his reason for going there has always been for instant gratification because his W makes him feel so unappreciated. He went into detail of a conversation he had with a woman about his situation at home and his feelings for me. He admitted it is not the right thing to do, but needed another opinion from a stranger. I am in no position to judge that because "here I am" on this site. He doesn't know about this Forum and I certainly am not prepared to tell him because he would tap into our story.

 

Anyway, I asked him why didn't he call me rather than go to the site. He said it was very late and for some reason that he could not explain felt some fear in contacting me after his NC call. He said the last thing he needed to hear was any form of rejection from me.

 

I told him that asking for an opinion from a woman who is looking to have an affair is hardly an opinion worth taking when she can't clean up her own back yard! He agreed and asked me if he got into that position can he call me. He said during our NC of 5 1/2 months, that was the site he turned to because it was some form of release.

 

MO....I have lived enough to know when someone is being honest or when someone is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I did feel sencerity in his conversation and for all his admissions with his conversations on that site and the simple fact he even told me, how can I not believe him. He really didn't have to say anything.

[RealityCheck]

Yes, he can learn a lot from RC in relation to the kids... What is the upshot of last night's contact, RC? NC again? Or stay in touch and see what happens?

 

Jessie....

 

*Sigh*

My heart really is breaking for him in his situation. It is so familiar to me because I lived it. I told him that he may contact me should he need to. Understand, that I do have my limits as to how long he is willing to put up with it and I will continue to date and keep my opitions wide open in the process.

 

Like I said, he must help himself, I can't help him! But I am not prepared to put my life on hold either way.

[movinon05]

Jessie....

 

*Sigh*

My heart really is breaking for him in his situation. It is so familiar to me because I lived it. I told him that he may contact me should he need to. Understand, that I do have my limits as to how long he is willing to put up with it and I will continue to date and keep my opitions wide open in the process.

 

Like I said, he must help himself, I can't help him! But I am not prepared to put my life on hold either way.

 

Good for you. And you made good points to him as well as far as looking for advice on that other forum!

[RealityCheck]

Ladies....

 

I can't stop crying this morning! I haven't had a bout of this in such a long time!

 

His situation is so familiar to me and is bringing back so many horrible memories of my ex H, I just can't stand it!

[movinon05]

Ladies....

 

I can't stop crying this morning! I haven't had a bout of this in such a long time!

 

His situation is so familiar to me and is bringing back so many horrible memories of my ex H, I just can't stand it!

 

Aww Sweetie!!

 

Well just let yourself cry, get it out, and try to regroup!!

 

Be glad you don't have to deal with exH in that way anymore!! Don't let it drag you down. You got yourself out of it!!!! Be proud of yourself!!

 

(((Big Hugs)))

[Jessie61]

Jessie....

 

*Sigh*

My heart really is breaking for him in his situation. It is so familiar to me because I lived it. I told him that he may contact me should he need to. Understand, that I do have my limits as to how long he is willing to put up with it and I will continue to date and keep my opitions wide open in the process.

 

Like I said, he must help himself, I can't help him! But I am not prepared to put my life on hold either way.

 

 

RC,

 

It is not an easy truth to face, you are a probably right!!!!

 

I also might have to give him the benefit of the doubt about that website, even though I was horrified initially! He seems honest about it eventhough it is hardly flattering for himself???

 

Girls, this is truely a long and difficult road that we are travelling, isn't it? ((heavy sigh))

[RealityCheck]

Aww Sweetie!!

 

Well just let yourself cry, get it out, and try to regroup!!

 

Be glad you don't have to deal with exH in that way anymore!! Don't let it drag you down. You got yourself out of it!!!! Be proud of yourself!!

 

(((Big Hugs)))

 

Thanks MO....

 

I love you for all your support! I want to let my emotional baggage I carry from the exH go so badly but I have yet to get closure. Court proceedings are still not over.

 

You see, my exH is a millionare, and he hasn't even given me one red cent in child support and has hired himself the best lawyer money can buy to prolong this battle. His motive is to try and drive me to poverty so that I will come back to him. He is so very sick!

 

I am financially independent, however based on my income I do not qualify for subsidized daycare. So money is very tight with having to pay that along with living expenses and legal fees has been stressful.

 

I know that eventually he will have to pay arrears and he will pay for his transgressions big time, but this is my current situation. I do not let it consume me because I do live in the moment and deal with things as they come, but when I am faced with something that I still haven't gotten closure on myself, it tends to have an immediate impact on me!

[movinon05]

Thanks MO....

 

I love you for all your support! I want to let my emotional baggage I carry from the exH go so badly but I have yet to get closure. Court proceedings are still not over.

 

You see, my exH is a millionare, and he hasn't even given me one red cent in child support and has hired himself the best lawyer money can buy to prolong this battle. His motive is to try and drive me to poverty so that I will come back to him. He is so very sick!

 

I am financially independent, however based on my income I do not qualify for subsidized daycare. So money is very tight with having to pay that along with living expenses and legal fees has been stressful.

 

I know that eventually he will have to pay arrears and he will pay for his transgressions big time, but this is my current situation. I do not let it consume me because I do live in the moment and deal with things as they come, but when I am faced with something that I still haven't gotten closure on myself, it tends to have an immediate impact on me!

 

Oh God, Ugh!! I can't believe you don't have a lawyer who is willing to go after the bastard big time and get attorney's fees.

 

Hey, I'm in more poverty than I can handle right now and have been. I just don't like to talk about it because it gets me down.

 

I'm also taking my ex back to court - ON MY OWN - and I'm not afraid to do so because he is in arrears as well and I also work in the legal profession and know how to do this stuff. I just have to get the last of the paperwork together and its a bit difficult. But if and when I get this done, I will at least be able to breathe. That should be my motivating force but it does get emotionally frustrating.

[RealityCheck]

Oh God, Ugh!! I can't believe you don't have a lawyer who is willing to go after the bastard big time and get attorney's fees.

 

Hey, I'm in more poverty than I can handle right now and have been. I just don't like to talk about it because it gets me down.

 

I'm also taking my ex back to court - ON MY OWN - and I'm not afraid to do so because he is in arrears as well and I also work in the legal profession and know how to do this stuff. I just have to get the last of the paperwork together and its a bit difficult. But if and when I get this done, I will at least be able to breathe. That should be my motivating force but it does get emotionally frustrating.

 

We are going after legal fees, but unfortunately where I live all that does not take place until it has been ordered by the Judge. What we are trying to do is get an "Intrim Order" that is done by case conference. Thing is, the Courts are so busy, it is getting a date to set this down.

 

It probably would have been down by now, but again, the exH played the card that he wanted reach an amicable settlement. Because my first H and I managed to keep it out of Court, and came to an agreement, I figured this exH would do the same. So for 4 months we negotiaged back and forth until the "light bulb" went off and I realized it was another sick strategy for him to prolong the inevitable. I finally gave him an ultimatium to come up with an offer or I file immediately. He didn't, so I hired a Lawyer 2 months ago and this is why it has taken so long.

[Jessie61]

Thanks MO....

 

I love you for all your support! I want to let my emotional baggage I carry from the exH go so badly but I have yet to get closure. Court proceedings are still not over.

 

You see, my exH is a millionare, and he hasn't even given me one red cent in child support and has hired himself the best lawyer money can buy to prolong this battle. His motive is to try and drive me to poverty so that I will come back to him. He is so very sick!

 

I am financially independent, however based on my income I do not qualify for subsidized daycare. So money is very tight with having to pay that along with living expenses and legal fees has been stressful.

 

I know that eventually he will have to pay arrears and he will pay for his transgressions big time, but this is my current situation. I do not let it consume me because I do live in the moment and deal with things as they come, but when I am faced with something that I still haven't gotten closure on myself, it tends to have an immediate impact on me!

 

RC,

 

I didn't realise that in addition to MM, you also have to deal with this! You really have a lot on your plate, haven't you?

 

Listen, you deserve to have a good cry if you feel like having a good cry! It often helps and you feel better afterwards!

 

I think you are doing so incredibly well. Seriously. You are doing so incredibly well!

[RealityCheck]

RC,

 

I didn't realise that in addition to MM, you also have to deal with this! You really have a lot on your plate, haven't you?

 

Listen, you deserve to have a good cry if you feel like having a good cry! It often helps and you feel better afterwards!

 

I think you are doing so incredibly well. Seriously. You are doing so incredibly well!

 

Thanks Jessie,

 

I guess for me that after suffering the death of my two children, nothing can be worse. Nothing!

 

It is stressful no doubt, but I do have so much faith in knowing, it will get better.

[movinon05]

I know about the lawyer fees waiting for an order. And hopefully you can get an interim order.

 

But hey, I know about this dragging the feet thing. And I'm glad you started realizing it too. My ex doesn't do a damn thing, even if I threaten court, until I actually file the papers. And this has been a number of times because of different things and him not doing what he was supposed to do.

 

But when I would actually file something, he would go running to his lawyer and then our lawyers would go through months of negotations with nothing getting settled. And it cost me a lot of money. My lawyer actually stopped billing me and stopped doing anything because my ex was just impossible. So now I'm doing it on my own.

 

My ex is sitting pretty right now with his GF and their new house and made a s*** load of money on our old house. Claims he can't afford anything yet put a big 18 x 30 foot pool in his yard because he likes to party and have parties every weekend in his yard and drink away.

 

Get the interim court date and get it moving. Do not bother even negotiating at this point. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just try to keep remembering that. That's what I do, even though I get down about it sometimes. Your ex doesn't want to part with his money and the only way you're going to get it is to get an order. He is despicable in not supporting his own child. They always look at child support like they're giving their ex money to live on, when it is supposed to be to be responsible for the child they brought into this world. MFers, your ex and mine alike!!

 

Despicable!!

[movinon05]

Thanks Jessie,

 

I guess for me that after suffering the death of my two children, nothing can be worse. Nothing!

 

It is stressful no doubt, but I do have so much faith in knowing, it will get better.

 

Oh God, RC!! I'm speechless.

[Jessie61]

Thanks Jessie,

 

I guess for me that after suffering the death of my two children, nothing can be worse. Nothing!

 

It is stressful no doubt, but I do have so much faith in knowing, it will get better.

 

Oh my God. I completely forgot about that! I am so sorry!

 

That makes my respect for you even greater!

[movinon05]

RC, come over to the other thread and join our conspiracy. I know you're good at it. Maybe it will help you to pull yourself up a little before you start going down further. Of course, if you don't want to, I understand completely.

[RealityCheck]

Oh God, RC!! I'm speechless.

 

I know MO....

 

I have lived through alot of pain. But it is true what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger and I'm not dead yet.

 

I was telling Zara that I really had a great childhood with alot of love in everyway. It wasn't until I got into my twenties that life kept throwing me experience after experience.

 

MO... I'm not bitter through it all, just more aware.

[movinon05]

I know MO....

 

I have lived through alot of pain. But it is true what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger and I'm not dead yet.

 

I was telling Zara that I really had a great childhood with alot of love in everyway. It wasn't until I got into my twenties that life kept throwing me experience after experience.

 

MO... I'm not bitter through it all, just more aware.

 

Yes, you certainly have gone through more than any one person should have to. I'm so sorry. My heart is feeling a knife go through it at the thought.

 

I'm not really bitter either though. Just angry at your ex and then transferring it to my ex. What gets me through is knowing I have my kids, and their love and respect, which is what he will never have. So, even though our hardships abound, we have something more precious than any pathetic exH will ever have! This is what really keeps me strong in the end.

[RealityCheck]

Yes, you certainly have gone through more than any one person should have to. I'm so sorry. My heart is feeling a knife go through it at the thought.

 

I'm not really bitter either though. Just angry at your ex and then transferring it to my ex. What gets me through is knowing I have my kids, and their love and respect, which is what he will never have. So, even though our hardships abound, we have something more precious than any pathetic exH will ever have! This is what really keeps me strong in the end.

 

I agree with you and am so very grateful for my kids!

You do not seem bitter to me at all! You have a very warm, loving spirit.

 

I will catch up with you all later. I'm going to work out and release some of this negative energy that has been festering this morning.

 

Love you all...

[movinon05]

I agree with you and am so very grateful for my kids!

You do not seem bitter to me at all! You have a very warm, loving spirit.

 

I will catch up with you all later. I'm going to work out and release some of this negative energy that has been festering this morning.

 

Love you all...

 

Be gone!! Go out into the world and live!! Love you too!

[zarathustra]

I agree with you and am so very grateful for my kids!

You do not seem bitter to me at all! You have a very warm, loving spirit.

 

I will catch up with you all later. I'm going to work out and release some of this negative energy that has been festering this morning.

 

Love you all...

RC, I hope you are feeling better now. I know that a lot of our MMs family situation can remind us of our own pain and turmoil, but we must also remember the choice that they made to live the life they choose. I don't pity my MM, I don't empathize with him as he put me and my life through the ringer without consideration of what I gave up to be with him. My losses and my pain.

 

I remember it as a reminder of what a selfish scumbag he really is. Again, I think he knows that he's f***ed up, but what right is it of his to f*** up my life because he's insane?

 

In any case, hugs and kisses!!!