Unaceptable behavior.

[tinktronik]

I have a few questions. I know some of you will recall , that while my s/o's daughter was here our relationship went into a bit of a tailspin. The teenager , by the time she left our home had me hiding in our bedroom rarely to venture out to other parts of the house because she simply spewed venom whenever her dad wasn't around.

We eventually decided to put up a untied front, and when we did she decided that if I wasn't leaving she would go back to her Mom's . This she did. She hasn't spoken with her Dad since , hopefully this will improve as she moves forward in her life.

The question that I have is that my s/o and I crossed some boundaries durring the time she was with us , like raising our voices at one another , or choosing to not believe what the other had to say over what the daughter had to say , or just being irratable and avoiding each other , but most of all taking advantage of each other. While his daughter has left and our lives have obviously carried on , some of these habits have also.We find ourselves raising our voices or being irratable and taking it out on each other where before in the years of our relationship we never did these things ,not ever , we talked like rational human beings and if we were aware of it we didn't take out frustrations on each other , never.

We have been actively searching for a decent councelor who can coach us through this , but have not found one as of yet . Does anyone know a way to make this stop? How do we stop the unacceptable behaviors?

 

Just to add, we are both doing these things.

[JadeStar]

His daughter suceeded in playing once against the other, to the point where you and your s/o raised voices, doubted what the other one said etc. Kids will sometimes do that. IMO, the best thing to do is to pull together, you and you s/o and talk about how to handle things when shes is around. Don't let her have the upper hand. You are a grown woman and shouldn't have to retreat into another part of the room/house when shes around. By you doing that, shes winning and got you where she wants you. She wants to cause a riff between you and her dad. You and your s/o talk about the way she does things, say things etc, and when shes around, make a plan/pact on how it is you all will handle YOURSELVES when shes around.

 

 

 

Jade

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Tink,

The marriagebuilders site has some great ideas about how to build your partner's love bank. There is a section on disrespectful judgements (dj's) and angry outbursts. Perhaps that might help?

[tinktronik]

Hi Tink,

The marriagebuilders site has some great ideas about how to build your partner's love bank. There is a section on disrespectful judgements (dj's) and angry outbursts. Perhaps that might help?

Thankyou both I going to check it out.

[InLovebutConfused]

My H and I have been married for 9yrs and his daughter pulls the same thing on us to this day!! It wasn't until 2yrs ago that my H woke up and realized that she was trying to break us up. For the longest time I was accused of being to hard on her. He finally realized that she was telling me one thing and then telling her dad something different to get us to fight. She is almost 12 now and we are hoping that she stops soon. She pulls the same thing on her mom and Step dad too. She blames me and her stepdad for everything that goes wrong in her life. Its hard and I feel for you!!! She is growing up slowly but it does take time. The way I look at it is she is just a child who wants Mommy and Daddy back together. The way I get through it is to just stand my ground and not let her get between us. Hopefully she will grow out of it.

[Touche]

Do ONE thing nice for each other everyday or at least SAY something nice. "Catch" yourselves when you slip into the bad habits. So when you start say "I'm doing it again." Say it out loud so he can hear you too. Ask him to do the same. In time, you'll break the habit. It's good you're doing something about it now before it really becomes a part of the way you normally deal with each other.

[tinktronik]

Thankyou all , just to update this , my step-daughter has gone back to her mother .The problem was the habits we formed while she was here . It was very dificult having a teenager around , much less one with attitude and one that was not happy unless others were unhappy . For now that is solved as she refuses to speak to her dad at all . I have checked out the marrige builders web-site and find it helpfull . Touche , very good advice we'll give it a go .I think more than anything we are both shocked with our own behavior because it is so uncharecteristic of our relationship to date . Again, Thanks.

[Touche]

You're welcome and don't worry too much about it. It happens in all marriages. I think the difference between a good one and a bad one though is that in a good one, you catch it and do something about it, like you are. The bad ones keep doing what they're doing and establish a brand new bad way of relating to each other.

 

Anyway, sounds like you have a good one and I wouldn't worry. My husband and I went through a couple of rough patches in our 11 years together but we were always able to "catch" it and then fix it. I'm sure you'll do the same.

[carmaenforcer]

Since you can get in trouble for smacking a little bitch, I won't go there. But I was going to recomend a foot up her as usually worked when I was youger.

I would hire a neighborhood thug her age to lay a beat down and a message from you threatening further action if she don't straighten up.

Of coarse when confronted you deny all, until the Dad leaves the room, then you wisper a little "keep it up, I dare you".

 

J/K

 

Ah broken homes suck. I have kids I share with my ex's as well but have been blessed with good, inteligent, and well behaved kids. They fear me though so that I think that helps a bit. Respect stems from fear.

[Outcast]

Respect stems from fear.

 

No. Fear stems from fear. Respect stems from admiration. Too bad, so sad - you goofed on this one, dad.

[Chump64]

Respect stems from fear.

 

 

 

Do you really think so?

 

I think respect stems from respect. Imposing fear on kids just because you can? Well, they are probably well behaved out of fear but that could certainly have long term repercussions, down the road.

[carmaenforcer]

Yes, to a certain extent. I mean good upbringing and instilling morals teaches a person the meaning of respect but the fear of negative repercussions for bad behavior is what keeps us in line.

Examples, you know your going to get in trouble for staying out too late on a school night, you know you can get a ticket for driving too fast, etc.

If you let your SO get away with treating you a certain way without them feeling some negative come out of it, if they for whatever reason don't feel a need to stop it that comes from within, they might not see a need to.

[Chump64]

Carma: Maybe we are arguing semantics. Do you mean fear, or knowledge of the (fair but firm) consequences for misbehavior? Fear, to me, implies intimidation and heavy-handedness on the parents’ part. That may work to keep kids in line until they are bigger than you ( ). But too often, it facks them up long term and creates issues that include resentment and rebellion.

[catgirl1927]

Control comes from fear. Respect comes from admiration.

[Trimmer]

Do you mean fear, or knowledge of the (fair but firm) consequences for misbehavior? Fear, to me, implies intimidation and heavy-handedness on the parents’ part.

 

Given his talk about "smacking a little bitch" ( but you wouldn't want to do that because you can get in trouble...), "recommend a foot up her as usually worked when I was younger....", and contracting "a neighborhood thug her age to lay a beat down and a message from you threatening further action", I think think he expressed pretty clearly what kind of fear he was talking about. And yes, I saw the "J/K", but I am unconvinced.

 

We're talking about a kid who is struggling, unsuccessfully, to deal with a situation that is out of her control and beyond her expeirence and maturity, and striking out against the people she blames for it. I'm not excusing it; she's acting up and acting out, her behavior needs to change, and she clearly needs help dealing with her situation, but even suggesting "smacking [the] little bitch?"

 

Carma - in another thread you propose the advantages of revenge against someone who wronged you - how it makes you feel good. Isn't this kid just immaturely applying that same lesson against her step parents?

 

Is the lesson that the most fearful, the most powerful, the ones strong enough to inflict the most damage, the most vengeful, get their way?

 

Control comes from fear.

 

... and respect is a whole different thing.

[hotgurl]

I agree with Touche. That when you start doing the behavior catch yourself or have you SO catch you and calmly state something to the effect of I know you angry but please don't raise you voice with me and we can talk about what's bothering you.

 

And you do the same for him and over time you can get back into good habits.

 

Ads a side note I think it's great that you are trying to fix this now and your SO is onboard with you it means that you will be able to fix it.

 

I would think most marriage counselors would be familiar with tecniques to fight fair and to correct this.

[carmaenforcer]

Hi Chump64, yeah I think you're right, I do mean knowledge of the consequences for misbehavior. Think about it like how laws are enforced in a governmental standpoint. Laws are set and if not obeyed there is a punishment. There are hose whom rebel of coarse but they usually end up living outside the law and eventually in the prison system. I was a rebelious youth as many kids can be but I think it helped me that my parents first off stayed together and second stayed my parents and not tried to be my or have me be their equal. There need to be dominance established, fair but firm, but there can be no doubt as to whom needs to listen to whom.

I thought it was hilarious your comment about "That may work to keep kids in line until they are bigger than you". LMAO... It's funny because my son is huge out grew me a couple of years ago, but has never lost that respect. I out grw my Pops long ago but the respect remains.

I think parents now a day are too consumed with fairness and equality when that has little to do with being a parent. Better judgement and the ability to make the hard choices no matter how unpopular. A kid would want to get away with murder, eat ice cream for every meal and be aloud to stay up as late as they wish on a school night, but we as parents should know diferent.

In a broked home it's that much harder to enforce these things because of the rebelious ness and the ability for the child to manipulate a divided parental structure, but someone has to make the hard decisions at risk of being un cool. I dealt with my children trying to disrespect my SO but I put a stop to that real quick and kept it up no matter how much they bitched. Eventually they fall into place and respected my SO not as a new mommy but as they should respect any elder place in a place of authority over them.

 

 

I like this comment

Control comes from fear. Respect comes from admiration.

With a rebelious youth sometime control is the best you can do and at least it's a good start to keep them out of trouble. They can respect and admire you later when they are old enough to know better. And they will if they ever learn.