The best way

[JackJack]

and so, who are you? The drama police? Those posts you speak of may be drama to you, but it is MY LIFE. Sorry I cant post something more uncomplicated like "I think my boyfriend watches porn, is he normal"

 

I wish that was my only problem.

 

 

 

 

So yes, people, we are all just robots that can turn off feelings at will.

 

How about the fact that some of us out there simply dont know when to let go because they are hurt and confused? I guess that means we like drama. Do me a favor and piss off. I dont need your DRAMA right now. Find someone else to scold, master jade.

 

 

Well I am glad you have it all figured out. Maybe you could right a book about it.

 

People, if it were that simple, if I felt like I was getting somewhere, I would have just talked to him about it in the first place and never would of found my way here. I am here because I have NO ONE. You are all my source of inspiration and my voice of reason. I come to you because I really am lost. I seek your guidance.

 

I didnt expect this to be a hen picking session, I just wanted some ideas, thats all. If it bothers you, dont read it. Simple.

 

 

Well hell yeah I'm the drama police where you been? Ok wanna be smartass, it works both ways. Yes most all people have drama in their life including me yep sure do, However we all have choices in life and if I chose to not be in the drama going on in my life, just as it is yours to stay in it so your point is taken. I don't scold btw but you may take it however you wish.

 

Moving on, you're correct wheather I think you're life is drama is beside the point, very true. So bump that out, clear your head that it matters not what others say about drama etc etc, what matters is the fact that you were given some things to try, or hints rather. Thats what you asked for, so you got some hints, so what is it you are going to try on him? I have yet to see where you posted the hell he created for you. Or are you meaning, just his cocky nature? Did he create hell by cheating? Abusvie what?

[JackJack]

Well hell yeah I'm the drama police where you been? Ok wanna be smartass, it works both ways. Yes most all people have drama in their life including me yep sure do, However we all have choices in life and if I chose to not be in the drama going on in my life, just as it is yours to stay in it so your point is taken. I don't scold btw but you may take it however you wish.

 

Moving on, you're correct wheather I think you're life is drama is beside the point, very true. So bump that out, clear your head that it matters not what others say about drama etc etc, what matters is the fact that you were given some things to try, or hints rather. Thats what you asked for, so you got some hints, so what is it you are going to try on him? I have yet to see where you posted the hell he created for you. Or are you meaning, just his cocky nature? Did he create hell by cheating? Abusvie what?

 

 

Sorry typical thought you quoted something I said. I read it wrong, I see it was meant for somone else. But seriously what are your plans?

[typical]

Sorry typical thought you quoted something I said. I read it wrong,--jack jack

 

all is well and fine.....

 

 

K. He is more than just cocky. He is manipulative. Condescending. Liar. I have never met someone so skilled and adept as he with lies and manipulation. I dont want to bleed my heart out any more. I cant leave right now, for whatever reason.

 

I like the idea that Pandora gave. That is most interesting. I just want to level the playing field. He has me boiling over in a rage most of the time. I just want to even it out some, and go back to licking wounds in peace. Why should he be the only one that is jumpy and on edge?

 

Perfect example:

 

Here is typical, this weekend, trying to relax and not let things bother her so much. She has a beer, is talking to one of his relatives, and bam...BF pulls her aside and starts grilling her over why she is talking to one of his relatives (male) and that the next time there is a party, he is going to make it a point to talk and flirt (no, i was NOT flirting) with every girl there.

 

To which Typical shudders....because his form of flirting is horrid. And he will suceed in mincing my last shard of self confidence....

 

So I start rambling on about how could he be revengeful, and he said its not revenge, and i went on to say it is, and finally, he said "yes, fine, its revenge, call it what you want, but I will be doing it"

 

To which he walked away, leaving me totally without defenses and a word to say....

 

**How about writing a number on a piece of paper, and then letting it fall out of my pocket?? Is that a good one???

[JadeStar]

Look typical, I apologize to you if you think I was bashing you. Thats not my intention. I guess I'm one of these ppl who doesn't do much drama, I think its a waste of time and energy. No, what might be right for me might not be for you or another, thats true. I'm just trying to understand why it is you continue to stay in what seems an unhealthy situation. I'm sure its easier said then done sometimes to get out of a sitution, however I haven't seen why you feel you can't get out of it, why you stay or what it is that he has done to make your life hell, other than him being cocky. Being cocky would come across as more of aggrivating than anything I would assume. And yes the way he is acting is uncalled for no doubt. However, by you staying with him, probably says to him he feels he can continue to get away with the way he acts and the things he says etc.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[grateful]

all is well and fine.....

 

 

K. He is more than just cocky. He is manipulative. Condescending. Liar. I have never met someone so skilled and adept as he with lies and manipulation. I dont want to bleed my heart out any more. I cant leave right now, for whatever reason.

 

I like the idea that Pandora gave. That is most interesting. I just want to level the playing field. He has me boiling over in a rage most of the time. I just want to even it out some, and go back to licking wounds in peace. Why should he be the only one that is jumpy and on edge?

 

Perfect example:

 

Here is typical, this weekend, trying to relax and not let things bother her so much. She has a beer, is talking to one of his relatives, and bam...BF pulls her aside and starts grilling her over why she is talking to one of his relatives (male) and that the next time there is a party, he is going to make it a point to talk and flirt (no, i was NOT flirting) with every girl there.

 

To which Typical shudders....because his form of flirting is horrid. And he will suceed in mincing my last shard of self confidence....

 

So I start rambling on about how could he be revengeful, and he said its not revenge, and i went on to say it is, and finally, he said "yes, fine, its revenge, call it what you want, but I will be doing it"

 

To which he walked away, leaving me totally without defenses and a word to say....

 

**How about writing a number on a piece of paper, and then letting it fall out of my pocket?? Is that a good one???

 

 

IMO, no, none of it is "good." I think people didn't want to give you advice because you are asking for self destructive behaviors.

 

Even if it were a "good" idea you should give up on it - the parts I bolded are incompatible. If he has enough power to make it so that you don't leave, you can't make him jumpy or on edge. He has control, you have given and are continuing to give it to him by staying.

 

You can't "win" this one. You are only losing.

 

I knew that other thread about being an "obedient" girlfriend wasn't a parody. Your form of venting on these forums really scares me because you seem to be asking people to help you hurt yourself.

[typical]

Dear Jade:

 

I accept your apology, please accept my olive branch of peace? I didnt mean to lash out, but s***, all I heard in your post was you calling me a Drama Queen.....I obviously didnt forsee things going this way in my relationship. I was taken for a ride. After the hell of my childhood, I just wanted to settle down, be loved and accepted and to grow and heal, but instead, I got anything but. It kills me, because I took *great pains* and caution with this guy, and let him know not hurt my heart, and advised him to look elsewhere first....here it is almost 2 years later and he has managed to wreak havoc and suffering in my life. It is hard to let go when it was the first time I actually *let go* and opened up and trusted, you know?

 

anyhow, enough with the goopy s***, How does the number scenario sound to you guys? DOes it sound too staged? What if I replaced the number with a condom instead?

 

or, you know what??? Just forget it. I cant win anyway. thanks you guys, it will probably all be for not anyway. Sooner or later, things will have a way of working out I suppose. Thanks again.

[typical]

Why should he be the only one that is jumpy and on edge?

 

sorry, I meant to say "I", not "he"...

 

And yes the way he is acting is uncalled for no doubt...Jade Star

 

Maybe I really wanted and needed to hear that. thanks.

 

I knew that other thread about being an "obedient" girlfriend wasn't a parody.

Oh but it was....and I was venting....and seething...and licking wounds...which I will do right now. Thanks for all the feedback...and you are probably right:

 

You can't "win" this one. You are only losing.

 

Which is why I wont bother.

Sorry for the drama ...seemed like a good idea at the time, however, I am back to square one.

[JadeStar]

Apology accepted typical. I hope all works out for you hun.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[a4a]

It has occured to me that he is too smug. He trusts me 100% because I have NEVER given him a reason NOT too...I have always told the truth, honest, sincere....to the point to where he doesnt even seem to wonder AT ALL about me, my whereabouts, strange circumstances....NOTHING.

 

He is a little too reassured...especially in light of recent events and it makes me sick.

 

Good old predictable Typical who wouldnt do a thing wrong to hurt another because she is just a prude.....

 

 

 

Never mind attacking the morality of what I am about to do, just give me some hints

 

You must be dating my husbands clone If he found me naked in bed with a man I could tell him that he and I were just super tired and our clothes were itchy.

[Cecelius]

It has occured to me that he is too smug. He trusts me 100% because I have NEVER given him a reason NOT too...I have always told the truth, honest, sincere....to the point to where he doesnt even seem to wonder AT ALL about me, my whereabouts, strange circumstances....NOTHING.

 

He is a little too reassured...especially in light of recent events and it makes me sick.

 

Good old predictable Typical who wouldnt do a thing wrong to hurt another because she is just a prude.....

 

 

 

Never mind attacking the morality of what I am about to do, just give me some hints

 

Just hunt around on this page for things that other scandalous, non-girlfriend material chicks have done:

 

Innappropriate dancing

 

Talking to an ex

 

Give your phone number out at a meat market club, engage in text messages with a "friend"

 

Get drunk and kiss (but only "kiss") someone ...

 

I salute your b/f, other than the smugness. My g/f knows that I am confident she wouldn't do anything improper (because she'd get left on the side of the road like an apple core I just finished with, and without a second thought in the world, and I'd be right, because whatever she would have done would be instant confirmation that she wasn't worth dating).

 

I also keep in mind that as the boy, its my job to keep her emotional engine running, so she wouldn't dream of doing something else.

 

After reading the rest of the posts, I see that he's more than just smug, he's a jerk.

 

So aren't you letting him put one over on you by caring this much? Just dump him.

[grateful]

 

Oh but it was....and I was venting....and seething...and licking wounds...which I will do right now.

 

what freaks me out about your posts is that you seem to enjoy these activities, or at least you seem to approach them with gusto. it just scares me. i don't know why you touch a chord for me but the way you seem to want to wallow in whatever self destructive activities other posters can suggest for you creeps me out. i really really hope that the venting exercises work for you in a productive way, towards getting out of the relationship, rather than a destructive way, in that they blow off enough steam to keep you in the relationship.

 

Ok, edit to add - I think it's the avatar too.

 

I'm wishing you the best.

[Alexandra]

Perfect example:

 

Here is typical, this weekend, trying to relax and not let things bother her so much. She has a beer, is talking to one of his relatives, and bam...BF pulls her aside and starts grilling her over why she is talking to one of his relatives (male) and that the next time there is a party, he is going to make it a point to talk and flirt (no, i was NOT flirting) with every girl there.

 

It seems you're doing it already. Subconsciently or on purpose you're already doing things to try and make him jealous from your example. Did that get you anywhere? Was that a good outcome? And that was only for an innocent talk with someone else, multiply it a few times for the magnitude of the ugliness you'll get when you do anything other. Still a good idea?

 

I'm afraid there is no easy answer, you need to put all your might into making him care enough to communicate and consider your feelings more. Whether he will or won't is really irrelevant because once you're done trying you'll be ready to move on if it fails.

 

Oh and OT ronnie I just checked, that site actually exists Despite how it's filled with bogus profiles:D

[typical]

If he found me naked in bed with a man I could tell him that he and I were just super tired and our clothes were itchy. .....a4a

 

:lmao: Its true!!

 

because she'd get left on the side of the road like an apple core.. Cecelius

 

 

 

Ok, edit to add - I think it's the avatar too...grateful

 

In reality, I am nothing at all like Kathy Bates, in both looks and personality. Plus I am at least 30 years younger.....The avi was because I had just spent the weekend watching Misery and she used one of my favorite words: prattling...

 

Would a picture of a flower, cartoon character, dog, cat, suggestive woman or a cupcake make you feel more at ease?

 

but the way you seem to want to wallow in whatever self destructive activities other posters can suggest for you creeps me out...grateful

 

Well, glad I could help.

 

Look, I cant explain my relationship too well, it is becoming fuzzier by the day. We are both hot for each other, but he withholds sex. He loves me, but cant stand me. I love him but it makes me sick to my stomach. Our whole relationship is a contradiction. Total catch 22. Usually it is me who ends up losing. Obviously, if I had a glimmer into what it was going to be like, I wouldnt have ventured into it. We cant seem to find common ground. I cant seem to get balanced. He once said he was "taming a wild horse"...referring to me....It is seeming more and more like its one big competition between him and I.

 

There is nothing really that is definate as far as abuse is concerned. There are things that can be classified as emotionally abusive..borderline, but then again, maybe it wasnt after all, maybe it was just a mirage.

 

The whole thing is confusing, but we both cant seem to let go.

 

Let me try to explain something: Him and I never go out without the other. If we are apart, there is a reason, working, appointments, life, etc.

There is this unspoken "rule" (i guess) that I am supposed to come home and not ever go out and see my friends. He lives by this "rule" too, from all outward appearances.....OR DOES HE??

 

No, he does not....he lies, and says he has to do this and that, and goes and hangs out with friends while I have to keep by this "rule" and come right home and wait for his ass. If I happend to find out, and get mad (not that he was out with friends) but that he lied to me and tricked me, I will say I am going out with my friends too. He will immediately be sure to tell me that I am not going to do anything, or else he wont come home until 12:00 at night. Which he will do. And he knows that will burn me up. So he has me there.

 

Somehow, there are clear cut rules for me, but not for him. I am just supposed to have blind faith that he is doing what he says he is doing. Which turns out to be right, maybe 65% of the time.

 

He "pretends" that he isnt going out and doing whatever he wants so I have to play by his rules. Because he knows that if I know he is going out and having fun, I will want to as well. And he doesnt want me to go out and have fun. So he lies and pretends he always does the right things.

 

I am feeling jealous because I am realizing that I am spending my best years (20's) at home, cooking, cleaning, and slaving away, while he is out having fun under the pretense of "work", "appointments" or whatever lame excuse he can drum up....only, I cant get him to admit it, and he always hides the proof.

 

there, does that make more sense..?

[Alexandra]

Look, I cant explain my relationship too well, it is becoming fuzzier by the day. We are both hot for each other, but he withholds sex. He loves me, but cant stand me. I love him but it makes me sick to my stomach. Our whole relationship is a contradiction. Total catch 22.

 

Sadly, that right there is the very definition of a dysfunctional relationship. And the way to mend one is not by playing games. It's by honesty, communication and getting help.

[PandorasBox]

"there does that make more sense?"

 

 

It makes sense but what I think DOESN'T make sense is why you are still with him? Maybe you don't know either? He seems controling, cocky and the relationship seems very one sided, his side. Thats not a healthy realtionship. I think you should think more of yourself typical. I think you should feel you are worth more than the situation you are in. Do you not feel that way and maybe thats why you stay? Do you feel this is what you deserve and can't get anyone better?

[grateful]

Prattling is a great word.

 

I'm sorry about my choice of words (creeps me out).

 

Let me try to explain so that this makes sense in written words.

 

Your posts make me sad. There is something in the questions that you ask that make me really feel for you. I want you to not want tips on how to get back at him. I want you to stop accepting how he treats you. The seething and the wound licking sound, in your posts, like attractive options and that just does not compute in my little brain. I can't understand desiring that kind of, what I consider, unhappiness. On another extreme jump, like associating your posts with Kathy Bates, have you seen the movie Secretary? It's about a BDSM relationship. The woman/secretary is the submissive and really enjoys being humiliated by the man/boss. It's a tender and loving movie. I still can't wrap my brain around how the submissive would want to be a part of that. How a submissive would agree to rules that limit, constrain, dominate her life. I'm not suggesting you are the secretary/woman ; it is of course an extreme example.

 

I can't understand why you live with the rules where he controls what you do. Under the guise of the rules playing both ways. But they really don't for him.

 

And in regards to already doing this by talking to his male relative, per Alexandra? How is talking to a male relative inappropriate? It seems to me typical's BF overreacted rather than typical behaved inappropriately in order to garner his jealousy. Should she totally shut herself up for him?

[SmoochieFace]

"there does that make more sense?"

 

 

It makes sense but what I think DOESN'T make sense is why you are still with him? Maybe you don't know either? He seems controling, cocky and the relationship seems very one sided, his side. Thats not a healthy realtionship. I think you should think more of yourself typical. I think you should feel you are worth more than the situation you are in. Do you not feel that way and maybe thats why you stay? Do you feel this is what you deserve and can't get anyone better?

 

I think she already knows that she *should* do this and *should* do that. What she needs help on is *HOW* to do those things... not people telling her what she *should* be doing.

 

That's when the assistance of a professional is needed.

[typical]

And the way to mend one is not by playing games. It's by honesty, communication and getting help.....Alexandra

 

I am all for honesty, and communication....of course it didnt help...thats why I am where I am at this moment....He only seems to understand trickery and deceit.

 

Besides, when I try to communicate with him, he says "you always say the same thing"

 

No matter what I say or bring up......he says

"please, I dont want to talk about this, you always say the same thing"!

 

But its just not true!! I promise!!

 

I cant talk longer than 2 minutes without him tuning it out, pretending to sleep, telling me I talk about the same things, and plain old telling me he is going out if I dont stop talking.

 

The only thing he wants is this:

 

"When you believe me, you will be happy". When you arent jealous anymore, we will both be happy"

 

Thing is, I am only jealous WITH REASON! And if I bring it up, he tells me I am crazy and refuses to even peek at my point of view. He is very dismissive, cold and detached.

[PandorasBox]

I think she already knows that she *should* do this and *should* do that. What she needs help on is *HOW* to do those things... not people telling her what she *should* be doing.

 

That's when the assistance of a professional is needed.

 

 

Pardon moi. Yes she may very well know what she "should" do. And I wasn't meaning it in a rude way. I was simply saying what I thought she should do. Doesn't mean its right or wrong or that she will do any of those things. Hopefully once she figures out "HOW" then she can move on from there.

[Alexandra]

Grateful I said subconsciently, she's obviously given this thought already, she was also aware that's the manner in which he overreacts hence somewhere on a deeper level she could already be trying what she originally posted about.

 

Typical.... it does sound terrible and like you are in a very bad situation. At this point what I think you're doing is listing his bad behaviour card. Getting the obviously hurting points in your relationship out there for you to rationalize them. We can sit here and tell you to walk out of this relationship and it won't work until such a time that you're ready and despite you saying it's not what you want to do, by the way you expound and refine on that list I think you're very close.

 

To help -hopefully- maybe you'd like to try a list, not for us here, for yourself with what you are getting out of this, what your purpose for staying in this relationship is, what is good and then one for the reverse, see which comes out heavier.

 

Good luck to you...

[SmoochieFace]

Pardon moi. Yes she may very well know what she "should" do. And I wasn't meaning it in a rude way. I was simply saying what I thought she should do. Doesn't mean its right or wrong or that she will do any of those things. Hopefully once she figures out "HOW" then she can move on from there.

 

No need to be defensive here. You weren't rude.

 

Sometimes, people who are having issues will hear the *shoulds* all the time and not hear the *hows*. The *hows* are what will empower the individual to actually embark on a programme of dealing with their issues and make a better life for themsleves. Simple as that.

 

Take addiction. "Oh, you SHOULD quit because it's terrible for your health!" Now, honestly, how does that really help the person?

 

Contrast that with "Here is a twelve-step plan and I know a counselor who can help you implement the programme. I have his/her name, address, and number so that you can make contact." Now this is actually giving the person the tools needed to deal with the addiction.

[typical]

yes yes yes!!! Thank you smooch!! HOW is and has always been my question!! How How How??!!!!!

 

He is not abusive, he doesnt drink, do drugs, or frequent whore houses according to him, so HOW can I not be happy??

 

Alexandra: Subconciously, no, I was not trying to make him jealous. I am an outcast, and this was HIS doing, not mine. He constantly pushes people away from me, and for a long long time, I let him. I just ignored people, and was the only girl at the parties READING BOOKS in a corner(and drinking ) ...now, who goes to a party and reads books??!!

 

But then, I started to feel real small one day, as if I didnt exist...and it wasnt worth it, so I started interacting, little by little. I was talking to his cousin, and actually enjoying myself, not aware of much except the value of conversation and of being heard for once. Nothing inappropriate was exchanged, we werent touching, flirting or otherwise, when my BF swooped down like a hawk on me.......

 

My BF puts me in a little glass tower, safe and sound, where he can watch me, but not interact with me, where others can view me, but not talk to me. He makes sure that no one can get in and I cant get out, but somehow, it doesnt feel abusive and I dont know why...

 

Under the guise of the rules playing both ways. But they really don't for him...grateful

 

 

Yes, but that is trick of it.....the guise of him playing by the rules only he really doesnt follow the rules but I cant seem to catch him or come up with clear, definitive method of his behaviour, proof, or if it is wrong, or what....

 

 

Well, I started this post with hopes I could get some ideas on how to level things out a bit, to take back my control WITHOUT him retaliating, how to be the one with the upperhand for once, I got a lot of support, but in a different way. Thanks for listening you guys!

[Alexandra]

Well you're very welcome but speaking of HOWs, please re-read my last post and take the time to do those lists, maybe they help.

[typical]

Contrast that with "Here is a twelve-step plan and I know a counselor who can help you implement the programme. I have his/her name, address, and number so that you can make contact." Now this is actually giving the person the tools needed to deal with the addiction. ...smooch

 

 

Okay, smooch, Whats my 12-step?

[SmoochieFace]

Okay, smooch, Whats my 12-step?

 

...

 

That was used as an example.

 

You will have to find a professional - as I am not one and will never pretend to be one - to help you devise a plan and to help you stick with it. If the professional rattles off a bunch of *shoulds* then find another one.