voi143 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 soo..my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year & granted that I have done things to make him quite upset in our relationship (i.e still talking to an ex, not getting rid of my myspace..until now, and just not being considerate) he has always given me chances and that is why we are still together. He's 28 i'm 20 and I always felt he was trying to change me..but after our last fight he said he's not going to force me into anything anymore. SO it seems that I'm the one who decides where the relationship goes? After that I've just been getting this weird feeling from him but I think now its due to he's not contactign me as much anymore..he doesn't call as often, he can't text me because my phone is acting odd. So this weekend I sat him down and asked if he's not going to take this relationship seriously or if he's just in it for kicks then we should break up now. He got mad because he said I haven't even tried to change and all of a sudden I would bring that up. It just bothers me because if there are so many negatives about me why does he want to still be together. His answer is because he cares about me deeply...the thing is i looked through his phone and he's been texting this female friend..i think she is a family friend..though I see they don't call each other up a lot..but I see texts like i'll call u after class, hey how are you's and this weekend he was just texting back and forth and I asked who it was and he said it was her. He started talking to her after buying a house we looked at together because her mom has a house in the area..should i be worried? I asked if he wants to see other ppl he said no, and cheating never came up..so can I trust that they are just friends? Link to post Share on other sites
MrDarcy Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I'm getting the impression he's more mature than you are. If changing you means getting you to stop keeping in touch with your ex, flirting on myspace and as you put it, being inconsiderate, then that's not a bad thing. Then he's not asking you to change, he's simply asking you to respect him and his feelings and focus on your relationship. As for him texting a friend, he may simply be doing it to get the attention from her that he's not getting from you, but that's just speculation. About him not contacting you anymore, it would seem to me he's simply tired of having to be the one who has to make the sacrifices. It's hard to tell from what you have written, so I'm just relating this to my own experiences. Why do you get the impression he doesn't want a serious relationship? What is your definition of a serious relationship? I keep getting the impression that both of you are at different levels and have different emotional needs. It sounds like you should sit down and state exactly what you expect from the other and what you want the relationship to be like, and then decide whether you can live with those terms. You can't expect to be in a serious relationship without making some sacrifices, or as you think of it, change. If only one part has to make sacrifices it's never going to last. As for your question; Should you be worried? Well, hard to say. From what you've written, it sounds like at the moment, she's just a friend and there's nothing to worry about. But is there a chance she could become something more? Like I said, could he be getting something from her that he's not getting from you? Anyway, a little more background would help us give better advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Well said MrDarcy, May I ask, why are you concerned when he's contacting one of his friends that happens to be female? When you are still in contact with your ex **boyfriend**. Seems to me, the roles have been reversed and you're tasting a little of what you put him through! I think you should read this: I'm getting the impression he's more mature than you are. If changing you means getting you to stop keeping in touch with your ex, flirting on myspace and as you put it, being inconsiderate, then that's not a bad thing. Then he's not asking you to change, he's simply asking you to respect him and his feelings and focus on your relationship. and use it to help your relationship if you want to remain with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author voi143 Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 MRDARCY you are highlighting so many key points. The whole issue of respect has been brought up but I've been so stupidly stubborn about the whole thing and sticking to the immature thought of he's jsut trying to restrict me from having a little fun..something along those lines. the thing is that he does want a serious relationship.. he wants to get married soon so he doesn't want to waste his time.he told me that from the begining we when we started dating and throughout it..but I do agree with you on him being tired of trying to fix things because that's all he's been doing is trying to steer me in the right direction. He's never lied to me..for the most part..if I ask him about a situation now that happen months ago his story will stay the same..I just don't know why things aren't clicking together for me I guess its easier to accuse him of doing something than own up to the fact that i'm destroying our relationship. Thank you so much for that insight it really made me sit back and think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author voi143 Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 Javelin The reason why I'm concerned is because I know i'm not doing anything. the reason why I've stayed off and on contact with my ex is because we have a strong strong bond and he's going through a lot and I'm just trying to be a friend and help him out...my bf knows all about that and at the same time i don't know how to keep my ex completely out of my life because I end up feelign guilty. I'm not so sure about him (BF) and this girl..he doesn't lie about her but I get extremly jealous and yeah maybe I am getting a taste of my own medicine..I seriously feel as if I have some maturing to do..quickly. thanxs Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 After that I've just been getting this weird feeling from him but I think now its due to he's not contactign me as much anymore..he doesn't call as often, he can't text me because my phone is acting odd. he simply got tired of putting up with your kiddy BS i suppose. Seriously, you're 20, not 16. You should know better than talking with an ex and flirting on myspace. Next youre gonna say you went out with a co-worker, got wasted and ending up making out with him in his apartment. Sorry, just always seems like the next step in this situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Javelin The reason why I'm concerned is because I know i'm not doing anything. Except..you DO know youre doing something that upsets your bf, right? or did you think keeping in contact with your ex would be cool? the reason why I've stayed off and on contact with my ex is because we have a strong strong bond and he's going through a lot and I'm just trying to be a friend and help him out... Funny enough, this is the excuse i see a lot. "hes in bad shape, he needs a friend" if your bond was so strong, you'd still be together. You aren't his only friend, and if you're the only one who can make him feel better he needs counseling. my bf knows all about that and at the same time i don't know how to keep my ex completely out of my life because I end up feelign guilty. Heres how: you: hey ex: hey you: we cant talk or hang out anymore ex:why you: i have a new bf now, we've broken up, its time for us to move on ex: but im going through hard times, i need a friend you: im not your only friend, if i am goto a youth center hun ex: but i need you you: if we truly needed each other we wouldnt of broken up, common sense ex: *tries to guilt trip you* you: *remembering there is a reason you broke up* sorry, bye! aaaand scene. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Insane in the membrane/insane in the brain/insane in the membrane/insane/got no brain...Oh. I'm sorry. Did I sing that out loud? **puts away Cypress Hill** Don't take this the wrong way, but at a young age I feel that's a pretty substantial age difference. That's just me, though. I will say, I don't abide by a hard and fast rule relating to nixing exes, but it sounds like your reasons are suspect. I think you should let him go, frankly. Get on webdate and meet some new folks. You're young and it'it seems not wanting anything serious. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Author voi143 Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 he simply got tired of putting up with your kiddy BS i suppose. Seriously, you're 20, not 16. You should know better than talking with an ex and flirting on myspace. Next youre gonna say you went out with a co-worker, got wasted and ending up making out with him in his apartment. Sorry, just always seems like the next step in this situations. Oh i never flirted on myspace/facebook. I just had it to keep in contact with friends..even when I logged on I would forget and he would look through it and there was nothing there because I don't do things like that. Why would I flirt with ppl online who I don't know and try to hook up with them? He was just against the whole put your picture up there for the whole world to see sort of thing. I told him about my ex from the begining he said he still talked to his ex so i figured it was okay and we both know I would not mess around with him...I was just tryign to help him out through a difficult time and never really let it go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author voi143 Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 Insane in the membrane/insane in the brain/insane in the membrane/insane/got no brain...Oh. I'm sorry. Did I sing that out loud? **puts away Cypress Hill** Don't take this the wrong way, but at a young age I feel that's a pretty substantial age difference. That's just me, though. I will say, I don't abide by a hard and fast rule relating to nixing exes, but it sounds like your reasons are suspect. I think you should let him go, frankly. Get on webdate and meet some new folks. You're young and it'it seems not wanting anything serious. -R- but i do want something serious...i'm not a casual dater type of person or up for casual sex either. I guess I haven't been showing outright what I want..I would never cheat on him..because I stress so much I want to have a relationship that my parents do and I don't see the point in cheating because why be sneaky when you are not bound to the person..just tell them u are not interested in prolonging the relationship. The one thing that I did leave out is that I told him in the begining of our relationship when he was giving it his all I was emotionally invested in an ex..and he pieced it together as to why it's taken us so long to rely on each other emotionally. I cancelled my account and have tried being more open and jsut acting like a loving GF..just yesterday he called me up to see how I was doing..and even as I type he sent me a text to check up on me..I guess I've just taken him for granted...but one major question.... I know a relationship is not supposed to be a chore..but I'm worried about being consistent..how can I maintain the reciprocity I can be very selfish..but I don't always want to end up in this rut..u know? I know I want to marry this man after I finish school in a year and a half..and he is in it for the long run..if I get my act together Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 IDK, you sound like you want someone to discipline you, so to speak. Some women like to be unruly because of father stuff. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Author voi143 Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 IDK, you sound like you want someone to discipline you, so to speak. Some women like to be unruly because of father stuff. -R- what's weird is that i want the exact oppostie..someone i can be free and accept my weird sense of self..well my parents were strict as hell with me..and I have been branded by everyone as the "free bird" but I would feel so stifled if I had a dictator as a lover...great for sex:p but not as a future husband. I want an equal balance..someone that can keep me grounded (big difference from discipline?) but let me be me.. Link to post Share on other sites
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