The Promiscuous Girlfriend...Pt. 2

[overwhelmed]

OK, that thread got locked down but I wanted to respond to the question from RecordProducer about the break-up. She is not taking it well. I, on the other hand, am taking it horribly.

 

This break-up was not as abrupt as it may seem from my previous posts. It's been almost two months since I initially discovered the first lie about the past. Over that two months, I tried to patch things up and move on -my one condition being complete honesty and full disclosure (no details necessary, but I did want to know exactly how many people she had slept with).

 

She amended her number so many times (once 3 times in the same day) that it made me physically ill -partially due to the extreme nature of her promiscuous behavior, partially due to the fact that I could NOT BELIEVE that this girl would ever lie to me, let alone repeatedly lie to me.

 

Since then, I've tried to go no contact, but it's very hard when you're used to talking to someone every day for two years. I think about her constantly and have even dreamt about her several times. Unfortunately, I spend almost as much time thinking about how many guys she's slept with and how many times she lied to me. Not a good deal.

 

I know it will continue to bother me, whether that's right or wrong is irrelevant, it just does. And to me I really can't stand extreme promiscuity (I can handle mildly slutty to a point) and I absolutely loathe dishonesty, no matter how supposedly altruistic the motivations may be. Put those two together and you have the end of a once amazing relationship.

[overwhelmed]

And the trust thing is as irrepairable as her past. She swore up and down to me that I knew everything when I still thought she had only slept with 15 (her second lie). She swore on her mother that 16 partners was the absolute truth and would never change. She promised me she was not that girl anymore and had nothing to hide from me when the number jumped to 18 previous sexual partners.

 

I'm still so sad and disappointed. I wish she had just told me 23 was her number when I discovered that 13 was false. At least then, it would have been one shock instead of 6 or so. It just became too difficult because every time I discovered she lied again, I had to get over it all over again... Now that I can see how easily she can lie to me, I will never be able to trust her the way I used to. Part of me wants to give it another try (my idealistic side). The smarter part of me knows that I deserve better than what's being offered.

[enoughisenough]

It's not even worth it. Being in the relationship will eat you alive because from now on you will question everything she tells you in the future and everything she has told you in the past. Better make her come clean about EVERYTHING before thinking of starting an honest relationship with her. And make sure the promiscuity ended at number 23.

[Cecelius]

As I think I indicated, I wouldn't get bugged too much over the dishonesty -- she doesn't like it and wishes she could get away from it.

 

After a point, though (the one where people started talking about it) she should have been honest with you. She was protecting herself, and not you, and her actions made you feel even sillier for having been involved so long. The reason it is legitimately offensive is that it contributes to your feeling that she would have said almost anything to keep you around (just as she was doing almost anything to keep them around).

 

In the end, its the fact that she has a past, and a rep, that aren't your thing. You need to do whatever you can to get past this. Take a break from dating for a while and work on yourself -- don't talk to her, since talking to her will keep it open. Honestly, once you are a little farther away from being her b/f but you are still talking to her, you will detect that she's moved on, and you will start to wound yourself with what that may mean.

[ronnieromance]

And the trust thing is as irrepairable as her past. She swore up and down to me that I knew everything when I still thought she had only slept with 15 (her second lie). She swore on her mother that 16 partners was the absolute truth and would never change. She promised me she was not that girl anymore and had nothing to hide from me when the number jumped to 18 previous sexual partners.

 

I'm still so sad and disappointed. I wish she had just told me 23 was her number when I discovered that 13 was false. At least then, it would have been one shock instead of 6 or so. It just became too difficult because every time I discovered she lied again, I had to get over it all over again... Now that I can see how easily she can lie to me, I will never be able to trust her the way I used to. Part of me wants to give it another try (my idealistic side). The smarter part of me knows that I deserve better than what's being offered.

 

I don't understand why it matters. I mean, the past is the past right? I can see being upset about the "amendments", but maybe there should be less finger-pointing involved; The reason she did hat is she probably knew how you'd react. I.E. judgementally. Let it go.

 

Is it your heart that's hurt, or your ego? I think it's mostly your ego, but only you can answer that for sure. Think hard about that, because one can seem like the other sometimes.

 

 

-R-

[overwhelmed]

Ego is hurt about the number. Heart is hurt by the lying. To clarify, there is no chance of reconciliation. I was just saying that it's always tempting. I'm like the woman in the abusive relationship that says, "He only hits me because he loves me." Break-ups suck ass.

[shoedevil]

Ego is hurt about the number. Heart is hurt by the lying. To clarify, there is no chance of reconciliation. I was just saying that it's always tempting. I'm like the woman in the abusive relationship that says, "He only hits me because he loves me." Break-ups suck ass.

Better to have an ego and high standards than to have no ego and suffer in silence. It'll be a tough road, but I think that NC is the best course of action. At least you guys weren't living together... (hopefully?)

[Spectre]

I can see being upset about the "amendments", but maybe there should be less finger-pointing involved; The reason she did hat is she probably knew how you'd react. I.E. judgementally. Let it go.

 

 

It doesn't give her the right to lie, bottom line. If she knew he'd react bad, then why constantly lie and change it? thats just pouring gasoline on the fire. She shouldnt get away with blatantly lying(sometimes several times a day) just to cover up her shady past. Everyone can come with the generic "its in the past so why does it matter" but shes lying to him in the present which is all that matters. Plus when someone begins lying to you to "spare your feelings" or cuz theyre afraid how you'll react, then you get to wondering what else she's keeping from you out of that fear

 

This girl obviously cant be honest with you, and after her lies I wouldnt be a damn thing she says, drop her, she isnt worth it.

 

 

And to the OP: Youre not alone, dont let certain people make you feel bad for being grossed out ur gf banged a bunch of dudes. Being with a girl like that is nasty, even if its in the past. For me, if a girl needs more than 2 hands to count the numbers of guys she has slept with? nasty, and i dont wanna be in that.

[overwhelmed]

We weren't living together, thankfully. That would have made a bad situation even worse. I agree, though that needing more than two hands to count past partners is kinda gross...granted, that's also relative depending on age. I wouldn't be shocked or appalled by a 35 year old who's slept with 15 or 16 people. But a 23 year old who slept with 23 people by her 21st birthday? Yeah, excessive to say the least. I'm just struggling to accept that it's really who she is. It's difficult to break your viewpoint of a person after 2 years and realize that she is not the person you thought that she was...in my case someone she is someone that lies and is more than just a little promiscuous. Really hard to accept it, but hey -c'est la vie.

[Sleeps w/Butterflies]

I hate to judge but that is a high amount of partners your ex has had. I do agree that the past is the past however take in to consideration her behavior. Let's not even touch upon her morals but what about STDs? Does she not worry there are other things to catch that a condom can't protect you against? Or other viruses that may even take a few years to even develop in your system (i.e. HPV). I know letting go is hard but I believe you are saving yourself. Lastly, overwhelmed you are doing the right thing and there are plenty of girls out there in your age range that are not into promiscuous behavior.

 

Take care,

 

SWB