still can't decide

[seiuchi]

Hello all-

 

About a month or so ago I posted how I was having trouble deciding between 2 girls. Well... I've spent the past month racking my brain trying to make a decision and I'm still utterly confused. I apologize in advance if I sound shallow, cold or business-like in my approach here, but I really could use some help. Here's the situation:

 

I've dated both girls for about 1 year. I think at this point I should make a decision and get serious with one of them. I really, truly care deeply for both of them, but they are both so radically different I don't know what to do.

 

I should preface this by saying that both of them are Japanese, however I speak Japanese so it's not an issue.

 

Girl S: She is very serious, very smart, very strong willed. She plans for everything. She is completely organized and together. She is slender, but not muscular - however she used to have a weight problem. Sexually she is very conservative. She is very small (about 5' tall) and very cute. I really enjoy being with her, though because she is so serious I sometimes cannot joke around the way I like to. She is incredibly smart and remembers everything I tell her. She reminds me a lot of my mom and my sister in many ways (which is a good thing IMHO). Her negatives are: She is incredibly stubborn. I am a very traditional, conservative man, but she is a very progressive woman & tends to speak to me in what would be called "masculine Japanese" - which basically means she can be fairly dominating & tries to make me be submissive.

 

Girl H: She is very loving, tender, and sweet. She is not brilliant, but she can speak 3 languages and is learning a 4th, so she's also no dummy. She is athletic, but fights a weight problem as well. Sexually she is outrageous - I probably can't say more than that. She is about 5'3 and very beautiful. She has a 4 year old daughter who would stay with her father if she decided to move to America (the daughter cannot speak English). She makes me feel like she would do absolutely anything for me. However, her negatives are: She does not always plan for everything and sometimes does not think far enough ahead. She has an extremely bad temper - though every arguement we've had has worked out in the end.

 

I have sat for the past month and tried everything I could think of to make a decision. Girl S makes me feel like she would bring me a stable, secure, loving yet conservative marriage that would be a success. Girl H makes me feel like I would have an adventurous marriage that would be full of passion.

 

I have spoken to both of them about the problems I see. Girl S promises she will try to be more adventurous, and Girl H promises she will plan more and try to control her temper. I'm completely lost... things can't continue the way they are going.

 

I'm not asking anyone to decide for me, but what I really need is advice on what I should be looking for to make a decision. Right now I can't imagine losing either one of them and that's the problem! Someone is going to be hurt.... but how do you decide who you hurt?

 

I'm really sorry again if I sound too harsh, cold, business-like or whatever else. I don't mean to sound that way.... I just want to do what is best.

 

Please ask me questions about both of them if you think it will help. This forum is anonymous, so I'm not shy about answering anything.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

Which one of these ladies do you love and care about the most? Which one challenges you in ways you want to be challenged? Which one excites you in ways you want to be excited?

 

It's my gut feeling Girl H would be best for you but you have to make the choice.

 

If I was in your position, I would continue dating others to find someone I was so crazy about that there would be no doubt in my mind.

 

If you think these ladies are going to change after you marry them, you are very wrong. Oh, they could change...for the better or the worse...and you can probably count on some of that. So ignore their promises to be more this or less that...it most likely won't happen.

 

My vote would be for you to go out and find a lady for whom you have very special feelings and with whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life.

 

The above advice is based on the assumption that both of these ladies live in the U.S. and that you have dated both of them for a year in person.

 

Assuming you have been honest with them, if one or both of them hasn't protested at some point your dating another lady at the same time for so long, they really don't care all that much for you.

 

Maybe they're just after a Green Card...be careful.

[seiuchi]

No - neither of them are after a green card - we have discussed this at considerable lengths - I understand the INS proceedures and have explained what would happen if that was their only reason for marrying me.

 

And, unfortunately the difficulty I'm in is I can't imagine being without either of them. Girl S makes me feel secure and safe - I know choosing her means my life will be stable, comfortable, and (for lack of a better word) normal. Girl H excites me and makes me feel like my life would be full of warmth and love but also full of temper flare-ups and stupid arguments.

 

I do tend to agree that Girl H seems to be the right choice. That is where my feelings have been leaning. I just didn't want to base my decision on my gut instinct. This is the rest of my life - I don't want to screw it up. I'm almost 32 years old now, and I can't afford to spend 10 years with the wrong person and expect at age 42 I could start over again.

 

I have considered continuing on in a casual way, hoping to meet someone who had the best qualities of both of these girls, but I don't think that's really very fair to either of them.

 

I've had very serious discussions with both of them about the future and I feel I can trust both of them. I just want to make sure I can trust my own instincts...

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I just didn't want to base my decision on my gut instinct."

 

And why not? In love, that's about all you've got. Your gut and your feelings. Hey, man, there are no guarantees. If you're looking for a sure bet and unconditional certainty, live alone and forget romance.

 

You're simply barking up the wrong tree if you think there is any human way you can accurately predict the future of any relationship. I've see awful ones get better over time and I've seen great romances go sour overnight.

 

Again, if these two know about each other I think it's pretty weird that they are going along with this contest you're subjecting them to. But that's my own personal feeling.

 

Go with your gut, man. There's no battery of tests to predict the direction of your own heart...much less that of another, or in your case, two others.