Do I force her out?

[Divorced]

My wife and I were divorced in August. She has no friends, no relatives nearby (and the ones she has she does not care for), no job and no money. We are still good friends and so for now I have let her stay in my house. However, it is starting to cause problems since I want to get on with my life and that means dating.

 

At one point she broke into my email and found that I had gone out with someone. She absolutely threw a fit. I told her she had no right to go through my private email (she agreed) and the reason I didn't tell her about my date was that I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which I don't).

 

I feel terrible for her; the divorce was my idea, she has nowhere to go and nobody to care for her (she has NO relatives she can stay with). She has been trying to get a job, but right now it is really hard.

 

I'm really not sure what to do right now. I want to move on with my life and start dating and just get back to a normal life, but I can't do it if my ex-wife is living in my house.

 

Any suggestions?

[Tony T]

You are no responsible for taking care of this woman after the divorce. Your situation is pathetic and perhaps you stayed with her much longer than you should have because you felt sorry for her.

 

Let her know that you feel the current arrangement is not acceptable and give her 30 days to find another place to live. Help her in whatever way you can but emphasize that she needs to move.

 

A divorce is a divorce. You don't get them if you want to continue living with the person. It's awkward, it's weird, it just doesn't feel right. She should want to get away from you just as much as you want her away.

 

Count on her staying with you as a convenience to her for as long as she can unless you assert your mandate that she find another place within 30 days. I think that is quite generous since you have been divorced several months already.

 

I promise you, given a deadline she will make arrangements somehow.

 

If I was married to someone who had no friends and no relatives, nowhere to go and nobody to care for her, I would feel so much pressure I couldn't stand it. It's no wonder this didn't work. She needs to become lots more self sufficient if she's going to get on in the world. She needs to find some relatives (maybe on the Internet) and make some good friends.

[Divorced]

Well, that's pretty much exactly how I feel... HOWEVER... The situation is a little more complicated.

 

She HAS been trying to get work. She is on the computer every day sending out resumes. But things are slow and she hasn't found anything yet.

 

Furthermore, she really is making me feel terrible. She will break into a fit of tears and say things like "how could you do this to me?" and "you stood in a church before God and swore you'd love me forever" and "there are couples with problems much worse than ours, why did YOU have to take the most drastic measure of all and end our marriage?"... I do my best not to show emotion at these times and just explain things logically, but obviously it really hurts me to hear this stuff.

 

The fact is, my family was everything to her. She told me many times that she thought of my family as her "real" family. Now that is all gone for her and it IS my fault - I am the one who filed for divorce. I took everything away from her, so now she is totally alone.

 

I've tried my best to help her - I send her job postings from the internet, I send her apartment listings as I find them, but nothing is moving forward. I feel like I'm trapped in my own house.

 

Furthermore, she has recently mentioned that she may want to stay in the house and want ME to move out. This is a rental house, so I have no real "claim" on it - the only reasons I wanted to stay here are: most of the furniture is mine, the landlord likes me and doesn't care for her at all, and the house is fairly run down & I am a handyman and have no trouble fixing things - it seemed logical for her to find a place that was maintanence free.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "She will break into a fit of tears and say things like "how could you do this to me?" and "you stood in a church before God and swore you'd love me forever" and "there are couples with problems much worse than ours, why did YOU have to take the most drastic measure of all and end our marriage?"

 

So in addition to everything else, she is a guilt manipulator. I am sure you had compelling reasons for filing for divorce and, unless there is a very serious problem here, I'd be sure you told her what those were.

 

You would be a fool to allow her to incite guilt feelings in you to make you continue keeping her around. The two of you are divorced...and that's that.

 

If she gives you anymore grief, give your landlord notice and just move out to another place. Tell her she's either got to pay the rent or get evicted. If you want to give her a month or two rent money, fine. But stop looking out for her welfare and look out for yours. You have been looking out for her plenty here but you have to draw the line now.

 

It sounds like she doesn't really care for much but herself in this thing. If she was halfway decent, she would sit down with you and work something out...even if you had to help her financially to make the break.

 

Anybody who wants to remain in a place where they simply aren't wanted is just plain nuts.

 

Get this resolved quickly.

[eileen]

No offense Tony but I think you are being unnecessarily harsh on this man's ex wife. Do I sense some deep seated anger towards women in general?

 

There are actually many people in this world who take marriage and their vows very seriously. Since when is that wrong? When someone stands before you and God and family and friends and makes a solemn promise to stay with you "for better or for worse".."in good times and in bad" some people really take those words, that promise, to heart. The problem today is, it's so easy to just throw your hands in the air and get a divorce.

 

We don't know this man's situation, or the reasons for the breakdown of their marriage. We have no idea what part he may have played in its demise, we have no idea whether or not he made any effort to work on the problems in the marriage.

 

Do we know how long they were married? No. Did they both give it a fair shot? Are there any children involved? Was there any infidelity on anyone's part? Did they try marriage counseling?

 

It's so easy to sit here and make this woman out to be a clingy, codependent basketcase, but we are only hearing one side of the story here. There are dozens of other factors that none of us know, based on what was shared here.

 

Maybe his wife truly didn't believe things were that "unfixable"...maybe his divorce request really came out of the blue to her? Is it wrong for her to still love him? I sense from his post that she still does love him. What, you think that because a couple divorces that both will immediately stop loving one another?

 

Are you so tough and unscathed that you've never been deeply in love with someone, only to find they suddenly don't want anything to do with you?

 

Marriage is a commitment, and it's very understandable that his wife is having a hard time getting on with her life, if she didn't want the divorce in the first place. Why don't you cut her (and people in her shoes) some slack?

 

Why fault her for having no family or friends? Do you know the full situation? Maybe they recently moved to the area that they live in, and due to the fact that she's not working, she hasn't had the opportunity to get out there and make friends. Or maybe there was such tension and uncertainty in their marriage, that she was preoccupied with that and just not in the mindframe to socialize.

 

I think the situation is sad and my heart goes out to his ex wife. He made a lifetime commitment to her. He is the one that choose to end it. The least he can do is to be patient and decent, and give her a little time to get back on her feet, after she's likely had her entire world turned upside down. He sure doesn't seem to be wasting any time getting out there and dating again. I wonder what that says about what his marriage meant to him?

 

It's very easy for us to judge and stereotype someone, but unless we know the full story, and have walked a mile in their shoes, I think we should be a little more openminded and sensitive when giving advice.

 

eileen d.

 

YOU WRITE: "She will break into a fit of tears and say things like "how could you do this to me?" and "you stood in a church before God and swore you'd love me forever" and "there are couples with problems much worse than ours, why did YOU have to take the most drastic measure of all and end our marriage?"

 

So in addition to everything else, she is a guilt manipulator. I am sure you had compelling reasons for filing for divorce and, unless there is a very serious problem here, I'd be sure you told her what those were. You would be a fool to allow her to incite guilt feelings in you to make you continue keeping her around. The two of you are divorced...and that's that. If she gives you anymore grief, give your landlord notice and just move out to another place. Tell her she's either got to pay the rent or get evicted. If you want to give her a month or two rent money, fine. But stop looking out for her welfare and look out for yours. You have been looking out for her plenty here but you have to draw the line now. It sounds like she doesn't really care for much but herself in this thing. If she was halfway decent, she would sit down with you and work something out...even if you had to help her financially to make the break. Anybody who wants to remain in a place where they simply aren't wanted is just plain nuts.

 

Get this resolved quickly.

[Tony T]

You write as if these people are going through some sort of marital problem. That simply isn't the case. They are divorced, finished, done with, and the gentleman wants to get on with his life.

 

I'm sure both parties are grateful that you are an advocate of marriage. I agree that your word is your bond...so when you sign the divorce papers and get the decree from a court of law, that should be honored in no less of a way than the word you gave to your God.

 

The God I know does not force people to be together who don't want to be.

 

I'm not faulting this lady for having no family or friends. But she has had ample time to make some other living arrangements. It is simply not proper protocol to keeping on living in the same house with the person you have divorced.

 

I am as compassionate as they come but I also don't let myself get walked all over. If this man doesn't do something definitive and soon, his ex will be in the same house with him for years.

 

Thank you for sticking up for marriage, though. But marriage today is for people who WANT to be there and work it out, not for people who are already divorced.

 

And, by the way, when I am with anybody and find they no longer want to have anything to do with me I am certainly sane enough to know it is not in my best psycological or emotional interest to hang around that person and endure increased hurt and pain.

[Divorced]

I guess I'll need to follow up now.

 

You both are a bit right. Yes - she feels it came out of the blue, though I think sleeping on the sofa for 6 months prior to asking for divorce should have given her an indication that something was seriously wrong.

 

Yes - she is still very much in love with me and tells me she would do anything for me, but the fact is I could not and will not spend the rest of my life with her - she is an incredibly negative person who, for 8 years, made me feel like nothing in my life would ever be good, successful or worthwhile.

 

She has tremendous psychological problems as well as being an alcohol/over the counter drug abuser. She sees these all as problems that should have been dealt with in counseling. On 3 separate occasions I told her flat out "either you enroll yourself in a 12 step program and get yourself fixed or I am leaving you forever" - she claims she can't remember me ever saying that.

 

So right now I'm trying to help her out, but trying to stop her from clinging to me forever. It is extremely DIFFICULT to be in this situation.

 

Believe me, I am taking both of your posts into consideration.

 

Thanks

[femaleperspective]

Divorced, sounds to me like you gave your ex the time to make decisions about her future with you during the six months you slept apart. One thing about codependant behavior, alcholism, or drug addiction is that the person ususally will blame all around them rather than looking in the mirror to face the real culpret. Having been in Alanon for 6 years, which I suggest you start yourself in to find some boundaries for yourself, I have learned we all get "some pay off" in any given situation. If you have a security deposit on your apartment, pay the rent for 30 days & utilities(be smart and put all in her name) and she can live on for another 30 days with security deposit, give her a hundred bucks for food, and move out. Furniture can be replaced, and her problem with the landlord are her problem, not yours. Sanity is much more expensive to repair and you have made it clear you are ready to move on. When the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, that is when you will make a change. It doesn't sound like you two are children, so be the responsible adult, and let your ex wife be responsible for her own actions and behaviors...that will be the best gift you could give to her, knowing that she can make it on her own is very powerful and may lead her to getting help for herself. You can't help her...she needs to WANT to help herself and until she gets to that point, she will be as emotional with you as YOU allow her to be. You didn't cause her drinking/drugs, you can't control her drinking/drugs, and you can't cure her drinking/drugs, so she has a choice to make and so do you. Who knows, down the road if she makes the efforts, and does the work then she will have friends and a "new" family of 12 step people to give her the support she needs...and it is work that only she can do. My own perspective is that you make a clean break, no calls, letters, or emails, so that she knows clearly that you won't be manipulated back into the emotional/financial obligations which YOU have, not her, allowed to be carried on since the divorce, this is where Alanon will help you. Best of luck.