almost sure he cheated

[Loner]

I really need someone to give me some straight forward advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we have lived together for most of it. He was the one who wanted all of my time when we were not at work but now he acts as if I don't exist. When I am home he is working on our computer and does not get off it until I'm at work. He gets happy when I'm leaving and right now even on my day off he's sleeping the whole days when he found out I didn't have to work. I know I am not the easiest person to live with but I do have a goal to gain confidence and happiness. I do not expect it to come from him but we have gone through a lot together and is it not normal to expect your partners comfort and support? It sucks that neither one of us can afford to live on their own but if he doesn't want me why won't he just give me my freedom? I still love him and I keep trying but what's the point if I'm in a relationship with myself.(one-sided) He says he is distant cause of my insecurities but most of them got worse since I suspected he has cheated on me. I looked up all kinds of info about cheating on the web and he fits almost all of the descriptions of someone's behavior who is cheating. Usually he will fit about 9 out of 10 plus he kind of blames my depression for not being close to me. He does not share intimate things with me and my lonliness is really making things harder cause I don't have any friends either. I wish he was not the only thing in my life but I don't have money to go out and do fun things. This makes me sound even more pathetic cause I don't have money cause I pay for most everything. He says he does not cheat and I believed him for the longest time until his behavior and actions stopped matching his words.(example:he would promise to spend time with me like go to a movie but never follows through or he will say my sex drive his higher than his but then spend multiply hours looking at internet porn) I think I spoiled him and he feels he can get anyway with anything. I think he can not or will not admit cause he does not want me to do the same thing and I pay for almost everything. I ended up being bitchy because all I ever wanted in return was respect & friendship but now he acts as this is something I do not deserve. I hate what I have become but the unfairness of this relationship(if I can even call it that)has hurt me more than I ever wanted to experience. My mother already taught me the joy of paranoia and he uses that to his advantage. I can not even afford professional help or to leave but how can I repair the damage already done? Should I try to save this cause at one point I thought we had something great? I have analyzed things to death and drove a bigger gap between us but I his behavior confused me and still does, it was the only way to try to figure out what was going on without him talking to me. I feel like I'm going crazy and he laughing behind my back because of it. Can anyone tell me if any of this makes sense? Do I sound like I'm just paranoid or is this understandable? I will not take full responsibility for the fall of our relationship! It takes two to make or break it. I'm sick of just being the one working all the time and never having fun plus I'm starting to get very angry at the fact that he does get to have all the fun, especially if he's cheating on me and leaving me to sexual self gratification.(I don't beleive in cheating and could never bring myself to do that)I just want to be happy again! Sorry this is so long and if anyone actually reads it all thank you because I have had no one but my own writing to unload these thoughts.

[Tony T]

I really need someone to give me some straight forward advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we have lived together for most of it. He was the one who wanted all of my time when we were not at work but now he acts as if I don't exist.

 

When I am home he is working on our computer and does not get off it until I'm at work. He gets happy when I'm leaving and right now even on my day off he's sleeping the whole days when he found out I didn't have to work. I know I am not the easiest person to live with but I do have a goal to gain confidence and happiness.

 

I do not expect it to come from him but we have gone through a lot together and is it not normal to expect your partners comfort and support? It sucks that neither one of us can afford to live on their own but if he doesn't want me why won't he just give me my freedom?

 

I still love him and I keep trying but what's the point if I'm in a relationship with myself.(one-sided) He says he is distant cause of my insecurities but most of them got worse since I suspected he has cheated on me. I looked up all kinds of info about cheating on the web and he fits almost all of the descriptions of someone's behavior who is cheating. Usually he will fit about 9 out of 10 plus he kind of blames my depression for not being close to me.

 

He does not share intimate things with me and my lonliness is really making things harder cause I don't have any friends either. I wish he was not the only thing in my life but I don't have money to go out and do fun things. This makes me sound even more pathetic cause I don't have money cause I pay for most everything. He says he does not cheat and I believed him for the longest time until his behavior and actions stopped matching his words.(example:he would promise to spend time with me like go to a movie but never follows through or he will say my sex drive his higher than his but then spend multiply hours looking at internet porn)

 

I think I spoiled him and he feels he can get anyway with anything. I think he can not or will not admit cause he does not want me to do the same thing and I pay for almost everything. I ended up being bitchy because all I ever wanted in return was respect & friendship but now he acts as this is something I do not deserve.

 

I hate what I have become but the unfairness of this relationship(if I can even call it that)has hurt me more than I ever wanted to experience. My mother already taught me the joy of paranoia and he uses that to his advantage. I can not even afford professional help or to leave but how can I repair the damage already done? Should I try to save this cause at one point I thought we had something great?

 

I have analyzed things to death and drove a bigger gap between us but I his behavior confused me and still does, it was the only way to try to figure out what was going on without him talking to me. I feel like I'm going crazy and he laughing behind my back because of it. Can anyone tell me if any of this makes sense? Do I sound like I'm just paranoid or is this understandable?

 

I will not take full responsibility for the fall of our relationship! It takes two to make or break it. I'm sick of just being the one working all the time and never having fun plus I'm starting to get very angry at the fact that he does get to have all the fun, especially if he's cheating on me and leaving me to sexual self gratification.(I don't beleive in cheating and could never bring myself to do that)

 

I just want to be happy again! Sorry this is so long and if anyone actually reads it all thank you because I have had no one but my own writing to unload these thoughts

[Paulie]

It sounds to me that you have problems with co-dependency, self-image, confidence, depression, and I'm guessing a host of other issues. Until you deal with these effectively, you will be unable to have a healthy relationship. Your boyfriend may or may not be cheating on you. Your worrying about it and going to these Internet sites to run through cheating inventory lists will do nothing but drive you nuts. You will not know unless you have proof.

 

You obviously do not trust your boyfriend...or is it that you don't trust yourself? Maybe both. Listen, honey...If you don't start sticking up for yourself, he and every other man is going to see you as a first-class wimp, I guarantee you. YOU ALLOW people to walk all over you. People will not respect you unless you first respect yourself, and that means gainng the ability to BE ALONE...I mean the ability to say F#CK everybody else, either you're with me, or against me. It's the most empowering decision you'll ever make.

 

You decide to not make this decision, and people will continue to USE you. The fact that you have no money or friends is not a reason for you to stay in this unhealthy relationship. By the way...aren't you USING HIM by SELFISHLY and destructively staying in a relationship where you know it is not a healthy situation, just so that you'll have somebody around? Sounds to me that you're using him, whether or not you are consciously doing so.

 

I suggest you start sticking up for yourself, and if you have good reason to believe he's cheating, dump him. Then start working on yourself. Do that, then e-mail me...I know plenty of great guys that love self-confident women. Women that won't take their crap. Good luck.

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

1. "When I am home he is working on our computer and does not get off it until I'm at work."

 

This is an indication of lack of caring and a high degree of disrespect in the relationship.

 

2. "He gets happy when I'm leaving and right now even on my day off he's sleeping the whole days when he found out I didn't have to work."

 

This is an indication he has no interest whatsoever in his relationship with you.

 

3. "I do not expect it to come from him but we have gone through a lot together and is it not normal to expect your partners comfort and support?"

 

It is wrong to expect anything. It would be very nice to have your partner's comfort and support...but, unfortunately, you don't have a partner. You have a piss poor roommate.

 

4. "It sucks that neither one of us can afford to live on their own but if he doesn't want me why won't he just give me my freedom?"

 

He has given you every message in the universe that he is NOT interested in the relationship. You are the one who cannot afford to leave. Go get a side job and make some moving money. I promise you, he won't protest.

 

5. "I still love him and I keep trying but what's the point if I'm in a relationship with myself."

 

You don't know what love is. There is no way you could love somebody who treats you like this. You are probably in love with the way things used to be...but those days are OVER.

 

6. "My mother already taught me the joy of paranoia and he uses that to his advantage."

 

The "joy" of paranoia? You gotta be kidding? Tell me more about this kind of "joy."

 

7. "I think he can not or will not admit cause he does not want me to do the same thing and I pay for almost everything."

 

You pay for everything and you wonder why he wants to keep you around? DUH!!! You can come stay with me and pay for everything anytime you like.

 

8. "I hate what I have become but the unfairness of this relationship(if I can even call it that)has hurt me more than I ever wanted to experience."

 

The unfairness of the relationship has NOT hurt you nearly as much as your willingness to hang in there and tolerate it has. Your self esteem has got to be lower than ZERO by now. What a deal!

 

9. "I can not even afford professional help or to leave but how can I repair the damage already done?"

 

There is simply no way to repair the damage because you can't change a person's feelings or lack of respect. But you can repair yourself by getting a degree of respect for your own self. You'd be better living at the mission and washing dishes for your room and board than you are living with this jerk.

 

10. "Should I try to save this cause at one point I thought we had something great?"

 

At one point, my car ran great. But eight years later, it's seen it's day. But my car is still much nicer to me than your, uh, "boyfriend" is to you.

 

Some things just can't be saved but, if you want to try, knock yourself out.

 

11. "I feel like I'm going crazy and he laughing behind my back because of it."

 

Wow, the stuff of a great love story. You're not going crazy but you're crazy to stay around this guy. Come on, there must be a friend or relative you can stay with. Join the military...living in barracks would get you more love and respect.

 

12. "Do I sound like I'm just paranoid or is this understandable?"

 

If your mother really taught you the "joy" of paranoia, you would be joyous if you were paranoid and you aren't. You are very sad because this guy is jerking you around in such a very major way and you are allowing it.

 

It is not understandable that you would stay in this situation no matter what the circumstances are. Wash cars, throw a fundraiser, go to some churches, social agencies, etc....get some funds to LEAVE!!!

 

13. "I will not take full responsibility for the fall of our relationship!"

 

It's fall may not have been all your fault but staying in it now is 100 percent your responsiblity.

 

14. "I'm sick of just being the one working all the time and never having fun plus I'm starting to get very angry at the fact that he does get to have all the fun, especially if he's cheating on me and leaving me to sexual self gratification."

 

If he is cheating, that is the least of your problems here. He's a low class scumbag and would you expect anything less of him. Forget the possible cheating. The problem here is that you are with a fully certified, USDA Choice loser and you've got to pull yourself out of this somehow.

 

Start making a plan, an exit strategy, and get away from this guy as soon as you possibly can. He will destroy your life, your feelings about yourself, everything about you if you hang around.

 

There is free psychological counselling available in most areas for those who can't afford it. Check with social agencies, women's centers, etc. Local universities may have psychology departments that offer therapy on a basis of ability to pay. Get some help. If you can't find help in these places, go to bookstores and read books on self-esteem, codependency, etc.

 

Once you free yourself of this guy, you will feel like a whole new person.

 

I am deeply saddened by your story.

[Tony T]

Well said!

[Loner]

Well said! Thank you for the straight forward honest answers that a asked for. Now I can see why I was so afraid to just face up with reality. I didn't want to see what I didn't like and that is selfish as well. I just have to stop this pity party I'm having for myself and grow up. Thanks for the wake up call, you two were just what I needed!

[Lynn]

Girl, you have got to move on! It sounds like he already has. It will be hard! It will hurt like hell, but you can do it. Take time for yourself. Learn what you like to do. Meet some new people or call your old friends or hang out with your family. Take interest in something you like and start a new hobby. This may all seem very lame but I got out of a 7 year relationship 2 years ago and I know (in some ways) how you are feeling. You're scared, worried your heart in going to break in half and you think you're going to lose your mind. You're NOT! You may feel like it, but you have to be strong and snap out of it. It's okay to be sad and cry when you hear one of your songs but don't dwell. Take what good things you can and get out!

 

You'll be okay

I really need someone to give me some straight forward advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we have lived together for most of it. He was the one who wanted all of my time when we were not at work but now he acts as if I don't exist. When I am home he is working on our computer and does not get off it until I'm at work. He gets happy when I'm leaving and right now even on my day off he's sleeping the whole days when he found out I didn't have to work. I know I am not the easiest person to live with but I do have a goal to gain confidence and happiness. I do not expect it to come from him but we have gone through a lot together and is it not normal to expect your partners comfort and support? It sucks that neither one of us can afford to live on their own but if he doesn't want me why won't he just give me my freedom? I still love him and I keep trying but what's the point if I'm in a relationship with myself.(one-sided) He says he is distant cause of my insecurities but most of them got worse since I suspected he has cheated on me. I looked up all kinds of info about cheating on the web and he fits almost all of the descriptions of someone's behavior who is cheating. Usually he will fit about 9 out of 10 plus he kind of blames my depression for not being close to me. He does not share intimate things with me and my lonliness is really making things harder cause I don't have any friends either. I wish he was not the only thing in my life but I don't have money to go out and do fun things. This makes me sound even more pathetic cause I don't have money cause I pay for most everything. He says he does not cheat and I believed him for the longest time until his behavior and actions stopped matching his words.(example:he would promise to spend time with me like go to a movie but never follows through or he will say my sex drive his higher than his but then spend multiply hours looking at internet porn) I think I spoiled him and he feels he can get anyway with anything. I think he can not or will not admit cause he does not want me to do the same thing and I pay for almost everything. I ended up being bitchy because all I ever wanted in return was respect & friendship but now he acts as this is something I do not deserve.

 

I hate what I have become but the unfairness of this relationship(if I can even call it that)has hurt me more than I ever wanted to experience. My mother already taught me the joy of paranoia and he uses that to his advantage. I can not even afford professional help or to leave but how can I repair the damage already done? Should I try to save this cause at one point I thought we had something great? I have analyzed things to death and drove a bigger gap between us but I his behavior confused me and still does, it was the only way to try to figure out what was going on without him talking to me. I feel like I'm going crazy and he laughing behind my back because of it. Can anyone tell me if any of this makes sense? Do I sound like I'm just paranoid or is this understandable? I will not take full responsibility for the fall of our relationship! It takes two to make or break it. I'm sick of just being the one working all the time and never having fun plus I'm starting to get very angry at the fact that he does get to have all the fun, especially if he's cheating on me and leaving me to sexual self gratification.(I don't beleive in cheating and could never bring myself to do that) I just want to be happy again! Sorry this is so long and if anyone actually reads it all thank you because I have had no one but my own writing to unload these thoughts