PLEASE READ: My girlfriend has gone off sex completely, why??

[cappamc]

I know this is alot to read but please take the time as I am desperate for some help, I can't go on without it

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. To start with the relationship, as far as sex went, was very health. We grew close and fell in love and as far as the person goes I love her more than anything in the world. She has made me happier than anyone ever has, but now 7 years in i am more unhappy than i have ever been.

 

We have always based our relationship on honesty and trust so have told each other everything about eachother and talk to each other about issues. Because of this we both know of each others sexual histories and my partners was casual & heathly. This bit of knowledge plays on my mind alot for the following reasons.

 

After about a year sex dried up, we had moved into my parents house and understandably it was difficult to have sex, which my girlfriend was vocal about. We eventually moved out of my parents house and to cut a long story short wherever we have lived there have been excuses for not making love or having sex.

 

I didn't let it get in the way for years I kept fulfilling the relationship to my girlfriends need levels but it got harder and harder. I spoke to people about it and have tried everything in terms of suduction and romance, it just isn't working. She knows I love her more than anything which is the hard thing for me, how could she have sex with people so easily in the past?????? people she was not in love with and didn't know that??? it does not make sense to me. I became very insucure about this was it me?? Well I have spoken to her many times and she says that it is not me it is her, i haven't mentioned my thoughts on her past relationships compared to ours because I think it is a nasty angle to use for the one i love.

 

I got engaged with her last year, which I so wanted to do and hoped that this show of commitment would help her with having sex....we didn't even have sex on, if I do say so myself, one of the most romantic engagement weekends anyone could dream of, it really was.

 

It is getting beyond a joke now and I am so desperate, everytime I try to make love to her she gets up tight and when I get more demanding she says I am obsessed.......we never make love or have sex so how can I be obsessed!!! when we do have sex or make love I am so paranoid now as I think if I do not make this the best time for her I will have to wait another 6-8 months if I am lucky.

 

I think I am attractive and I have been told my penis is a good size. I think I am creative in the bedroom. Is it simply the fact that we are in in a meaningful relationship and my partner prefers casual sex without the love interest??

 

I am 27 now and don't want sex to end this relationship. I need some good advice, please help me. Sorry for the waffling

[JadeStar]

It could be a number of things. Women sometimes withhold sex for different reasons. I'm not saying all do, but some do. I went through a period of time where this happened between me and my husband. Was it wrong I didn't offer sex or enjoy it as much, probably, but my reason was, I felt I wasn't getting an emotional connection for him. Most women relate sex to love and emotions. Where as a guy might just be more into the psyhical aspect of it. I'll offer you some things it COULD be, but doesn't mean thats the way it is for sure. You need to communicate to her how this makes you feel and see if shes willing to tell you what exactly is going on. Sorry but some may be blunt.

 

*Could be she feels a lack of emotional connection.

 

*Shes no longer inlove with you.

 

*She has found someone else.

 

*Depression, low sex drive.

 

*other medical problems.

 

Is she on any medications that might make her sex drive low? Does she seem depressed? Any other clues to things other than lack of sex, that would make you think there is someone else?

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

You need to talk to her and tell her exactly what you said here. Maybe if she knew that you're feeling insecure, unloved, and hopeless about the relationship and her feelings for you, would she open up more? Even suggest going to couples therapy.

 

Is she stressed about something? Work or money? Something is going on inside her head which is affecting her sexdrive. Jade mentioned depression, that could be a huge factor in this.

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but all I can tell you is, if you love her and want her in your life, FIGHT for this relationship to work and don't give up until you've given it your best.

 

Sometimes people grow apart, it's painful and awful, even when the love is still there...

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[cappamc]

thx for the pointers she has got a history of depression, but she has not been depressed in the last 7 years because I talk to her about it just to make sure it doesn't happen.

 

for 5 years of the barreness I was more emotional and loving, in fact that is all I was and though I felt we should have been more intimate I never pressurised her it has only been in the sixth year that my desperation has made me feel like a begger trying maybe once every 2 months for sex.

 

I have really tried to ignore the fact that the sex is not there but my sex drive must just be to much I am not in control of that feeling.

 

I have spoken to her about this but again I get labeled as "obsessed" is that possible in the last 3 years we have had sex less than 8 times.

 

I have spoken to her about the love thing and she swears that she loves me more than ever but just recently my hopelessness is seeming to get to her so I am trying to keep it hidden away again.

 

As for other men she is defo not mucking around so I guess you'll think she is depressed.

 

I simply don't understand her, which is hard because I though I did and probably still would if it wasn't for this situation.

[JadeStar]

"But she has not been depressed for the last 7 years because I talk to her."

 

 

Thats good you talk to her, communication is important. However you don't know for sure that shes not depressed. Sometimes even just a little depression can throw things out of whack for someone. She might be just telling you shes not depressed so you wont worry. I'm not saying thats the case, just saying its possible.

 

"I have really tried to ignore the fact that sex is not important"

 

Don't ignore it, sex does play a role in a healthy relationship. I understand that by her not having sex with you as much you take that as a personal issue against you. I might would feel the same way. However, she stated it wasn't about you, it was her. So the problem lies within her, I supppose. I say just hang in there, keep talking with her about things, but maybe not overly do it. Don't push her to come clean with what might or might not be going on. It might make her retreat more into a shell if she feels pressured. Just let her know you're there for her. AS WWIU said maybe suggest counseling for you both.

 

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

in the last 3 years we have had sex less than 8 times.

 

There is something wrong if you two have had sex so few times in the past 8 years. This is an issue inside her. Maybe it's insecurity about herself, her body or it IS the depression and she's hiding it from you. It is possible to hide stuff like that, especially if she isn't showing typical signs of depression...

[norajane]

If you've been together for 7 years and the sex dried up after 1 year, and you've been able to get nowhere in resolving it, you should not marry this woman. Your sex life will not improve after marriage - it's been terrible for 6 years and she wasn't even moved to have sex with you when you got engaged. I don't understand why you're still with her.

 

Sex issues are often a sign that there is something else wrong in the relationship. In your case, it sounds like her sex drive is much, much lower than yours, or she's not attracted to you sexually, or she's depressed. If she doesn't think there's a problem, you can't resolve this on your own.

[Presario]

Cappamc,

 

You know where you stand: there is no sex and quite likely there will not be more. Maybe in 10 years your girlfriend will have a higher libido, and so your sex life will improve, but I wouldn't count on that.

 

FACT #1: your sex life is poor and I don't think it will change.

 

You stayed together for 7 years despite your sex problem, and other difficulties in your life. This tells me that other parts of your relationship are great. I bet your GF is loving, understanding and affectionate. I guess you are also like that to your GF.

 

FACT #2: your relationship is great in other ways, which is rare.

 

You need to decide whether you want to stay or leave. If you stay, you need to accept the situation as it is, because all your attempts over years have failed. It's all up to you. If your thread stays alive long enough, you will get all possible answers: from "leave her now" to "stay together till you die". Go and search for "sexless" and you will know what responses you can expect.

 

If you decide to leave, don't expect to find a person with your GF's good qualities and with more sex. You can find better sex, but the realation be crap.

 

FACT #3: great sex doesn't imply a great relationship.

 

There are many more facts. Compile them, think them through and come up with some decision.

 

You may think that every other couple has great sex. I guess it's true for new relationships, but as time goes by it becomes less true. I would believe some movies, magazines and homemade porn. I would look and think: it's possible, I just don't have it. These magazines, movies and porn are popular because people at least want to look at what they don't have, but is not real, it's just a commercial product.

 

I'm not sure if you blame your GF for you unhappiness, but if you are unhappy, then it's your problem. You need to do something about it.

 

I'm sorry that you have so little sex. Compared to you I consider myself happy: we go to bed once a month!

 

 

Good luck