Lishy Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 So, I have been seperated from my ex for 18 months now - I am happier then I have been in a long time. We have a nine year old son together and I have hit a problem. I would like advice from anyone who has had this problem. I have met a really nice guy and we have been dating for a month. I am not even close to wanting to introduce my son to him yet but for the first time since my seperation I am in a situation where this may happen in the future. The problem i have is not how to introduce my son to a new guy but how my EX will take it! He is not one bit over me and still tells me he loves me and wants me back. He has asked if I am seeing anyone and I said no. I know he will cause trouble when he finds out, although I do not know the extent of the trouble he will cause as he suffers with depression and I am sure he has manic depression (although it has not been diagnosed) It scares me to be honest. How do I deal with this when the time comes? Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 To be honest, he's your EX so its none of his business really who you date, but I can see why you're concerned, you don't want to hurt him, but in many ways maybe it will help him move on further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 What I worry about is that he is going to start saying that he doesnt want another man seeing his son and then he will stop giving me money and it will get all stupid! He has a vile mouth when the mood takes him! Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Unfortunately the fact that they have a son together does bring it within his business, especially when the son mets him. We hid our relationship from my SO's ex for as long as we could for the same reason. Unfortunately it does come out in the end. Lish, have you thought about whether you'll tell him, or just wait for it to come out naturally? It it possible that even if your son hasn't met him that he knows you're seeing someone and might let slip to your ex? I can't give any magical advice here... unfortunately it's likely he will take it badly when the time comes, and you will have to deal with the fall out of that. Are you worried about voilence? It should also help him to move on, but don't expect miracles. Over 18months in and now living together, my SO's ex isn't anywhere near moving on as you know!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 This is what I worry about! I am not even saying that I will get as far as to introduce this particular guy to my son BUT it has just made me think! My son does not know I am seeing someone as I keep it very seperate, but it is getter harder - I can only see him once or twice a week as it has to be around my son! It does make it hard! My ex's mouth can be vile when he chooses and he says the nastiest things to me when he is hurt - It could make this new guy run for the hills if he heard it! I am sick of my life being ruled by a man who I left 18 months ago! Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 With regards to money etc, do you have any legal child support deal, or is it just an agreement between you? If not, you might have to pursue that when the time comes. It's a nasty thing to withdraw support for your child, since it's them it hurts. But some people don't see beyond their own feelings. I think you have to just have some faith in this guy. If he's a good guy, and he knows what to expect when it happens, then I'm sure nothing your ex says will scare him away. Hopefully he'll be right by you supporting you through it. A good person will see the good in you, and the jealousy and hurt in your ex and will be able to cope with it. I know what its like... you can't believe that 18 months later they can still have so much impact. Unforunately where children are concerned, seems like they can have an impact for the next 18 years. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Honestly, as the one who was left, 18 months isnt very long. I assume you were the one to leave since your ex is still pining for you. With that, i'm sure you were griving the failure of your marriage while you were still IN the marriage. As the one who was left, it takes us time to a) realize they really are leaving, b) go through all the anger/denial/blame, c) come to peace with it. I am at a much better place than I was 18 months ago, but I still have my ups and downs. It really does take time and maturity. And since your ex has depression, it might take him longer than 18 months. Would it be possible to let your ex know way way before you decide to introduce him to your son? This way, your ex has a chance to come to terms with the idea of you dating, and he has that false sense of control that you wont introduce him to the son. Then once he has some time to digest the fact that you are dating, and that your not just introducing any random dude to your son, by the time you ARE ready to introduce them, he might be more accepting when he sees that this guy's been around for quite some time. I would imagine that the fear of any spouse is being replaced, or having any person walk into their childs life. If you give the spouse plenty of time to realize that you are dating and that you are taking things really really slow, it shows them that you are being responsible and hopefully puts their fears to rest when the time comes. I would also make sure all the legal stuff is done. And it'd probably be better for you to do this before he finds out you are dating. As for the new guy, well, this is a test for him. If he stays around after meeting the ex, then he's a good guy. If he doesnt, then it's better if he leaves now then a few months from now when you're more emotionally invested. Dont ever fear that a person might leave you because of your situation. If they do, they were not the right person, and it's better to find out sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Would it be possible to let your ex know way way before you decide to introduce him to your son? I think this may be a good idea, in anticipation of eventually telling your son. It might be uncomfortable, maybe it will go something like this: you: I'm seeing someone... Ex-H: I don't want someone around <son>. you: he hasn't been yet; we're not at that stage, but although I'm not ready to do that yet, we may eventually get there, and we need to be able to trust each other as parents to make good decisions about <son> in these kinds of cases. Ex-H: grumble, grumble... But at least, like dgiirl says, that gives him time to get used to it. The fact that you think it's not time for your son to meet the new guy yet somewhat obliquely validates his feelings, and it defuses the situation from becoming: you: I'm seeing someone... Ex-H: I don't want someone around <son>. you: He and <son> have already met. Ex-H: scream, scream, complaints about not being "in the loop" as a parent, etc... My motto with my Ex-W is "leave the spouse dynamic out of it." I try to deal with her respectfully as a co-parent, but not to poke and prod about "spouse" issues. If your Ex-H starts to veer into spouse stuff, gently insist on dealing only with parenting-related issues - bring it back to your son, but remind him gently that this is your decision. "I'm telling you this because I may eventually decide that it's appropriate for he and <son> meet. I will be making that decision, but I wanted to give you a heads-up so you will know what is going on in <son's> life." It's all about being parents together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 Yes I agree with you - I will tell him in the next few weeks and take it from there! Have any of you women dealt with this? What was the outcome? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 Who cares how he'll react? It's none of his business, and quite frankly you are thinking way too much about him. I feel a bit sorry for the new guy since you have your ex on your mind after over a year apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 Who cares how he'll react? It's none of his business... You're right: to the ex-husband, it doesn't and shouldn't matter. But the father of their child, to the degree that it affects the kid, deserves a heads-up, and if his reaction might affect the child, she is being a sensible parent to consider it in advance. They are ex-spouses, but they are still current parents. In the first case it's no one's business; in the other, they still have to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 Who cares how he'll react? It's none of his business, and quite frankly you are thinking way too much about him. I feel a bit sorry for the new guy since you have your ex on your mind after over a year apart. It is his business unfortunately as the father of their son. When a couple with a child seperate, the other person doesn't go out of your life. You have to deal with them for sake of the child. It's no reflection on Lishy, or how she feels about the new guy, that she is considering her ex's reaction. In fact it shows just how mature and responsible she is. I think dgiirl had some good points and explains how she felt well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted May 25, 2006 Author Share Posted May 25, 2006 Who cares how he'll react? It's none of his business, and quite frankly you are thinking way too much about him. I feel a bit sorry for the new guy since you have your ex on your mind after over a year apart. With the level of advice that you give you should avoid sites that offer help! It IS his business as his son will be involved! Obviously you do not have children! It would be MY business if he introduced our son to a girl! The difference is that he suffers with depression and I do not know how he will react! READ the problem before you put your $.02 in! I would not take my ex back if he was gold plated! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 You know, it might not necessarily be his business, but it's called common courtesy and maturity to take a little effort to make things easier on everyone, if you can. Lishy's being very responsible and thinking of her exh and his feelings because that benifits HER and her child. She can either give a little forethought and give her ex some time to adjust, which will make things easier for everyone involved, or she could just do what she wants and piss her ex off, which will cause a war. I dont see how causing a war intentionally benifits anyone. I would feel more sorry for anyone involved with someone who doesnt care how their current situation might hurt another person, especially someone who will always be a part of their lives until their child is grown. To be married with someone and to have a child with someone, this person must have been very important to her at one time. For her not to even THINK about how to break the news easily and as less painful for everyone is extremely cruel and mean spirited. Now if he goes crazy on her, which in the initial reaction, he might, but she cannot prevent that. She can, however, still be proud that she took the high road. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 Lishy has he been dating at all? Do you think it is possible to encourage him to do so in a subdued manner? Perhaps then he will take your news of dating a bit better if he believes he jumped into it first? I am in the same spot as you but without the kids...... it is business with the X. It has been 3 years of keeping my private life very quiet and hidden. (exhausting actually). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 All I can say is, respect him about how he feels. IF he gets upset, let him get upset...Let him get used to the idea. I mean, one day he'll be calling you and telling you HE met someone and would like to involve the new woman in his life around your child. So, knowing that, even if it kills you, sympathize with him and make the transition easy. A month isn't very long, but if you feel the ex needs to know you're seeing someone, that's fine. Do it. But also, tell your new guy about this issue. He needs to know as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted May 25, 2006 Author Share Posted May 25, 2006 Thank you everyone who has replied with such thought and caring! I am not going to tell him right now as I have only been dating for a month and am still not sure if this guy will be in my future - It is so hard to know right from wrong when children are involved as you cannot afford to make a mistake! I do not love my ex anymore - But I did at one point! And I do respect his feelings as he adores his son and he does still want me back! I have decided that IF I want this guy more in my life I will tell my ex and give him ample time to get used to it before I let my son know - He is not dating YET - But he is, apparently, meeting a girl on Saturday so lets see how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I can understand how you feel, however, since my wife and I are now seperated, living in different apartments, and I have an 8 year old step son I can tell you that it would kill me if she told me she was seeing someone else. We are not divorced, she just needed a break but if I found out,without her telling me first, I would be very upset. In fact I would consider it a relief if she would just come out and tell me first. It is very hard for a man that is in love to just give up. Remember, men are "fixers", we like to fix things, so it is very hard to realize when it is broken beyond repair. Good luck and above all, BE HONEST to him. You have no more ties to him, legally, so just be honest. If he is mature he will understand, if he isn't then get legal advise and a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
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