Is there any hope he'll come back?

[hmmansfield]

Long story short:

 

1) Met a wonderful man one year ago. He was divorced and a single father to a 13 year-old daughter.

 

a. He is ex-wife... they dated 7 years... fought for 6... married six months and she left him for another man.

 

b. he never married his daughter's mother... it was an accidential teenage pregnancy.

 

2) We fell IN LOVE. From the very beginning I was included in his family life... me and his daughter built a good relationship, we were happy, and his family loved me for Kevin. Everything was wonderful for 7 months and we were discussing getting married this summer or fall. Then:

 

3) His father died in early February. He was deadbeat that abandoned his family when my bf was 14. They hadn't seen each other in 7 years, but spoke on the phone regularly. When is father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the brought him here in December and he was gone by early February. My bf kept all his grief inside and through himself into launching a new company:

 

http://www.zeitgeistproductions.com

 

4) When we met he had a high paying job that he hated. When we discussed our future, I did not want him to do a job he hated just because it paid well. I encouraged him to start his dream business. But what happened was unexpected... I knew there would be some nighttime working, but it has turned into 5-6 nights a week. He's flat broke and now bartends Friday and Saturday night to make a quick $400 to keep his daughter clothed, food on the table, and a roof over their heads. Our schedules became opposite... we saw less and less of each other and started to grow apart and bicker.

 

5) The bickering freaked him out because it reminded him of his last miserable relationship/marriage. He started to get fearful about marrying me... and distancing himself. I sensed it and started pressuring. I had told him from day one "I am getting older and want to be a mother." Are you ready for that? Yes, yes, yes... let's go for it! So, when he started distancing, I got scared... but also pressured because I had to know. I am 35... I can't waste time.

 

6) We broke up on Monday. He's just completely overwhelemed by this business, getting his daughter through the next five years, broke, and living in a construction zone. His fears about failing in marriage again surfaced... because he knew I didn't really want to marry a man that worked in the bars at night (I was raised by a single parent bartender). He wanted to stay together, but he couldn't commit to marriage anytime soon (maybe in two years). I know myself and being a mother is too important to risk losing my fertility waiting for a "what if". So, I said I have leave you and move on with my plan to be a single mother by choice. I love you and if I was younger, I could give you the time, but this is too important to me. I told him I am going to take 3 months to get over him... and then start looking for a donor. If he changes his mind, he can come back. In the meantime, I have cut off all contact.

 

With all his divorce baggage, a teenage daughter that wants him all to herself (I grew to really care about her), a new business that requires him to work nights for at least the next six months, any chance at all that if he has time to get his life in order, that he would come back? Any of you been in this situation? Broke up over she wants to marry, he doesn't... so she leaves... and miraculously he comes back to marry her?

[brisman]

So, he has baggage from his past, which you knew about. You don't say that he takes it out on you. You encouraged him to give up his high-paying job, which he did and now he has to work long hours. He works these hours to look after himself and ensure care for his daughter, as he should.

 

After all this, you bicker with him because he can't spend enough time with you ? Add to that you're pressuring him to complicate his life even further by having a baby with you *RIGHT NOW*, not even in a couple of years for him to get his life back in order ? Otherwise you're out of there to have a baby by yourself ?

 

You, of course, should do what's important to you. But if this man has even half a brain, he'll stay the hell away unless you demonstrate to him that you love and support him instead of demonstrating your selfishness.

[mr.gerbick]

You already knew "following dreams" is a set up for financial hard times. With financial hard times, and kids....a man has to do what a man has to do to, to survive. You want him to have a kid with you right away when he can barley take care of his daughter now. Yes, I am sorry to sound brutal, but that is extremely selfish of you, especially when you encouraged him to take this risk.

 

I had a similar problem, but she never encouraged me to do so, I did it all on my own. She also didn't want a kid, just more time with me. But even at that time I felt unsupported.

 

You were only together for 7 months, so in the beginning you were probably saying things because they sounded like the right thing to say at that time, but were not thinking of the long term affect a situation like that brings on. It takes time to establish yourself from the ground up.

 

I understand you want what you want and are entitled to that, but it just sounds like you never thought the whole thing through. Personally, I don't see him coming back, because you didn't have that long of a history together and he has enough on his plate as it is now trying to survive.

[From OP]

With each day that passes, I have more clarity. Yesterday I was full of fear that I had made a mistake, and this post leaves out some key information.

 

Our big mistake was that from the first week we talked about getting married and did so for the next 7 months. It put way too much pressure on the relationship. Way, way too much. I had never dated a divorced man, much a single-parent. A whole different experience. I tried the best I could with that... whole different experience.

 

I was looking back at old journals before his father died and the new business, and realized that there were red flags back then.

 

He hadn't had enough time alone between the divorce and meeting me... only a year. And from 19 to 30... he was in unhealthy relationships... and sometimes it carried over into ours. He fought constantly with his ex... and sometimes he would fall into old habits... snap at me over nothing, take his frustrations out me. A woman tried to trap him when he was 17 by getting pregnant... then he was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and she had a phobia of leaving the the house... and then he went straight into the one with his ex... 7 years together, 6 years fighting non-stop. I think he sees women as a responsibility that rob him of his freedom, and that's why he gets mean (and he does get mean... we talked about it when we were breaking up).He wasn't ready for a commit yet... he hasn't had his time.

 

Even before the business, he had a hard time doing dates... time alone for us. That is something I really need. That we could only spend the night once every week or two together when his daughter was spending the night at a friends... that was challenge. To have sex, and then he has to leave. No snuggling, no morning breakfast, no late night whisperings. Hard.

 

I realize I lost myself in this relationship... with us planning a future so fast... every decision he made somehow affected my future and it freaked me out... it was too soon, too fast. I kept asking if we could take a break... that I just needed to get centered... and he wouldn't go for that. I wish we would have done that... took a few steps back a few months ago rather than having it build to this.

 

Instead of just enjoying each other's company and getting to know eachother... we jumped right into serious commitment.

 

I was knocking myself out supporting him in first, the new real estate business, then restaurant business, then the music promotion business... not because I just thought it was cool and fun... but hey, this is my future too. And his daughter and family... o my... so much pressure to get along with them and be perfect since we were getting married. It all happened too fast and he wasn't ready. Period.

 

So, when the music business started taking off... and he's getting a taste of freedom... of the single life (not having to invest energy in a SERIOUS relationship... its not about other women)... and I started feeling him slip away and got scared and we started bickering... he just thought... whoa... how did this happen so fast and maybe its not the right decision?

 

We are both guilty of that... instead of proclaiming true love, marriage and babies in the first month, we should have said... hey... we really dig each other... let's see how it goes.

 

As it was... I just went into overdrive becoming the future perfect wife and step-mother... and lost myself along the way.

 

He was starting to get mean... passive agressive... I am not sure about this.

 

You know, and I was there for his father's passing... everyday... every step of the way... through helping him get him here from Hawaii, to finding a nursing home, to talking, everything. And the business, half the reason it is so successful is because of the web marketing I do for him for free. And I am still going to do it for him, I decided... I have no revenge impulses in me at all... to hurt his business. I want to support him as a friend.

 

I think he'd totally agree with me on everything I have said... we went too fast. And he tells me over and over again how supportive I have been... in fact, I think towards the end it got on his nerves because then he felt in debt to me... felt indebted to marry me when he was starting to realize things went too fast.

 

Yeah... I am sad... but I truly do care about him... and I know he needs to be alone... and that if I would stayed... it would have gotten worse... fast.

 

If we just would have taken a break 3 months ago... seriously, I was totally over whelmed by it all... and I could have found my center... we maybe could have made it work.

[hmmansfield]

With each day that passes, I have more clarity. Yesterday I was full of fear that I had made a mistake, and this post leaves out some key information.

 

Our big mistake was that from the first week we talked about getting married and did so for the next 7 months. It put way too much pressure on the relationship. Way, way too much. When we just should have been concentrating on getting to know each other, we're planning a wedding and a baby. And I had never dated a divorced man, much less a single-parent. A whole different experience. I tried the best I could to be cool with a moody teenager and the legacy of this this huge figure of an ex-wife.

 

He knew I wanted to get married - so to be with me - he told me everything I wanted to hear, but probably without putting too much thought into first.

 

I was looking back at old journals before his father died and the new business, and realized that there were red flags back then.

 

He hadn't had enough time alone between the divorce and meeting me... only a year. And from 19 to 30... he was in unhealthy relationships... and sometimes it carried over into ours. He fought constantly with his ex... and sometimes he would fall into old habits... snap at me over nothing, take his frustrations out me. A woman tried to trap him when he was 17 by getting pregnant... then he was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and she had a phobia of leaving the the house... and then he went straight into the one with his ex... 7 years together, 6 years fighting non-stop. I think he sees women as a responsibility that rob him of his freedom, and that's why he gets mean (and he does get mean... we talked about it when we were breaking up).He wasn't ready for a commit yet... he hasn't had his time.

 

Even before the business, he had a hard time doing dates... time alone for us. That is something I really need. That we could only spend the night once every week or two together when his daughter was spending the night at a friends... that was challenge. To have sex, and then he has to leave. No snuggling, no morning breakfast, no late night whisperings. Hard. And then when the new business started.. it was once a month... maybe two if I managed to get drunk enough to hang out at his bar until 3 am when the heavy metal bands stopped. Even if I would stayed, I don't see how we could have maintained a relationship for very long without spending time together and building intimacy through makinglove... especially with his personality being one of a bit of a workaholic. I am not the only that lost his time either... his daughter did too. She's home alone a lot now at night... soon 14... advanced beyond her years... no routine in her life because dad's always gone now or she's at the shows until midnight on a school night... that was worrying me too... a sign how easily he can lose balance when it comes to work. And one of things I admired about him was that he wasn't a drinker... I have seen him drink more alcohol in the last three weeks, then in the year pervious.

 

I hope now that he is alone he finds some balance again.

 

I realize I lost myself in this relationship... with us planning a future so fast... every decision he made somehow affected my future and it freaked me out... it was too soon, too fast. I kept asking if we could take a break... that I just needed to get centered... and he wouldn't go for that. I wish we would have done that... took a few steps back a few months ago rather than having it build to this.

 

Instead of just enjoying each other's company and getting to know eachother... we jumped right into serious commitment.

 

I was knocking myself out supporting him in first, the new real estate business, then restaurant business, then the music promotion business... not because I just thought it was cool and fun... but hey, this is my future too. And his daughter and family... o my... so much pressure to get along with them and be perfect since we were getting married. It all happened too fast and we weren't ready... we didn't have the history between us. Period.

 

So, when the music business started taking off... and he's getting a taste of freedom... of the single life (not having to invest energy in a SERIOUS relationship... its not about other women)... and I started feeling him slip away and got scared and we started bickering... he just thought... whoa... how did this happen so fast and maybe its not the right decision?

 

We are both guilty of that... instead of proclaiming true love, marriage and babies in the first month, we should have said... hey... we really dig each other... let's see how it goes.

 

As it was... I just went into overdrive becoming the future perfect wife and step-mother... and lost myself along the way.

 

He was starting to get mean... passive agressive... because other women, I was robbin ghim of his freedom and trying to "trap" him.

 

You know, and I was there for his father's passing... everyday... every step of the way... through helping him get him here from Hawaii, to finding a nursing home, to talking, everything, the wake, the funeral, the hippie wierdo distant family. And the business, half the reason it is so successful is because of the web marketing I do for him for free. And I am still going to do it for him, I decided... I have no revenge impulses in me at all... to hurt his business. I want to support him as a friend.

 

I think he'd totally agree with me on everything I have said... we went too fast. And he tells me over and over again how supportive I have been... in fact, I think towards the end it got on his nerves because then he felt indebted to me... felt indebted to marry me when he was starting to realize things went too fast.

 

Yeah... I am sad... but I truly do care about him... and I know he needs to be alone... and that if I would stayed... it would have gotten worse... fast... we would have ended up hating each other. This way we part as friends, and maybe someday...

 

If we just would have taken a break 3 months ago... seriously, I/we was/were totally over whelmed by it all... and I could have found my center... we maybe could have made it work.