Think he'll change his mind about marrying me?

[hmmansfield]

Long story short:

 

1) Met a wonderful man one year ago. He was divorced and a single father to a 13 year-old daughter.

 

a. He is ex-wife... they dated 7 years... fought for 6... married six months and she left him for another man.

 

b. he never married his daughter's mother... it was an accidential teenage pregnancy.

 

2) We fell IN LOVE. From the very beginning I was included in his family life... me and his daughter built a good relationship, we were happy, and his family loved me for Kevin. Everything was wonderful for 7 months and we were discussing getting married this summer or fall. Then:

 

3) His father died in early February. He was deadbeat that abandoned his family when my bf was 14. They hadn't seen each other in 7 years, but spoke on the phone regularly. When is father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the brought him here in December and he was gone by early February. My bf kept all his grief inside and through himself into launching a new company:

 

[COLOR=#800080][COLOR=#800080][COLOR=#800080]http://www.zeitgeistproductions.com[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR]

 

4) When we met he had a high paying job that he hated. When we discussed our future, I did not want him to do a job he hated just because it paid well. I encouraged him to start his dream business. But what happened was unexpected... I knew there would be some nighttime working, but it has turned into 5-6 nights a week. He's flat broke and now bartends Friday and Saturday night to make a quick $400 to keep his daughter clothed, food on the table, and a roof over their heads. Our schedules became opposite... we saw less and less of each other and started to grow apart and bicker.

 

5) The bickering freaked him out because it reminded him of his last miserable relationship/marriage. He started to get fearful about marrying me... and distancing himself. I sensed it and started pressuring. I had told him from day one "I am getting older and want to be a mother." Are you ready for that? Yes, yes, yes... let's go for it! So, when he started distancing, I got scared... but also pressured because I had to know. I am 35... I can't waste time.

 

6) We broke up on Monday. He's just completely overwhelemed by this business, getting his daughter through the next five years, broke, and living in a construction zone. His fears about failing in marriage again surfaced... because he knew I didn't really want to marry a man that worked in the bars at night (I was raised by a single parent bartender). He wanted to stay together, but he couldn't commit to marriage anytime soon (maybe in two years). I know myself and being a mother is too important to risk losing my fertility waiting for a "what if". So, I said I have leave you and move on with my plan to be a single mother by choice. I love you and if I was younger, I could give you the time, but this is too important to me. I told him I am going to take 3 months to get over him... and then start looking for a donor. If he changes his mind, he can come back. In the meantime, I have cut off all contact.

 

With all his divorce baggage, a teenage daughter that wants him all to herself (I grew to really care about her), a new business that requires him to work nights for at least the next six months, any chance at all that if he has time to get his life in order, that he would come back? Any of you been in this situation? Broke up over she wants to marry, he doesn't... so she leaves... and miraculously he comes back to marry her?

[SoleMate]

General Principle about Marriage: For two people to be successful life partners, they both should be ready, willing, and able to assist the other through life's travails, by providing emotional and practical support and helping the other person meet personal goals. They should also have joint goals that they both are committed to and work towards. And, they should meet each other's emotional needs. There should be 1 single plan that covers both of them. It may not need to be fully detailed, but I believe it should be explicitly discussed and agreed on. Details can be filled in later.

 

Your R/S: Just from your post (I'm sure I don't have all the facts), it seems that you are two separate people with two separate sets of goals and two separate life plans. It's not surprising that these don't mesh well. And you don't have much time to do the work of negotiating and creating a life plan, nor do you have emotional and practical breathing room, since he is so busy and you are both stressed.

 

It wouldn't HAVE to be this way. I could imagine two different people taking the same set of facts and coming up with a wonderful life together.

 

It might even be different for you two if one or both could take a different perspective. I understand your sense of slipping time. It's real and it's valid. His feelings of being overwhelmed and pressured are every bit as valid. If you insist on your concerns being paramount, you may impale yourself on the sword of principle.

 

I suggest that you both read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It doesn't have a "baby answer", but it will help you understand love and relationships better. It may also help you learn to meet his needs well enough that he decides he is willing to meet yours. I don't know the man, but I am guessing he craves:

 

* A peaceful home life with minimal disagreements and no brutal arguing

* Loving support in his career goals and fathering of his daughter

* Security of a partner who is there no matter what

* Sex

 

And you crave similar things, plus a chance to be a mother.

 

He's not rejecting you, he's just rejecting the high-control mode of your recent relationship. So there is hope for a turnaround. You can build this possibility and this marriage and family, you just can't shove it down his throat. Good luck.

[hmmansfield]

You make some really good points and I know that putting th epresure on him made him choose... and under the current conditions... he couldn't choose marriage and kids... especially with all his fears.

 

Trust me, I feel a little guilty leaving him in this time of crisis. I wanted to be there for him unconditionally, but damn... the motherhood thing!

 

My relationship before I him... I stood by the man through his cold feet and ended up wasting a lot of time. I just swore I would never do it again.

 

And with all his distancing... which sometimes was mean... and our opposite schedules... I just couldn't see staying. I wasn't getting my most minimal of needs met.

 

Maybe it was just not meant to be.

 

But if there is anything I want him to know is that I am not angry... I love him... and want him to find some peace and balance in his life... I am sorry I couldn't stay... I just have to be able to move on with my life plans. I am such a doer and planner... and when our planning for a future stopped... I just had to move on and plan my own.

 

This is probably one of the healthiest break-ups I have had... because the love is genuine. If he needs to be alone... then I have to let go and give him his time. Ugh... heart ache tho.

[tikigods]

It sounds to me that you are more focused on what you want and aren't really looking at what he needs from you. You want a baby, and right now that seems to be your driving force (so much so you are willing to just go out and get a donor and raise it yourself). If I was in his shoes I would look at that as just being looked at as someone that is just a walking sprem factory.

 

It sounds like he has done threw a lot over the past few months, and instead of you really honestly being there for him while he rebuilds his life, you are being only driven by your own selfish needs.

 

I agree with Sole, right now you are two different people and until you both come close to the same page it will never work out.

[hmmansfield]

I am totally focused on the baby. I have to be. I don't think men can relate to this... they have healthy sperm up until their 60's.

 

I have been dating for 20 years... I have given it my all. I told this man on our first date... and every date after that for the first two months where I was at... are you sure your ready for this? YES.

 

Believe me, I am so super conflicted about it. And let me tell you something, I gave a lot in the relationship. He has been talking about marrying me and giving me this child from day one... and then changed his mind... and not really nicely... just shut me out.

 

If he wanted a year long engagement... I could have given it to him.

 

I think if things were reversed and men had to chose by their mid-30;s whether on not be fathers in this lifetime... and it was hard-wired in their biology to be fathers... I don't doubt that there would be egg banks galore and that they would leave a woman they loved if she wasn't willing to birth his child.

[tikigods]

I am a woman first off, and I am going to be honest and say that I would rather be with a man I love then have a child. By your post here you are saying that if you loved a man that couldn't ever give you a child, but you loved them with all your heart then you would still leave them due to a child. Meaning you are playing by your own selfishness. You want a kid more then you want to be in a relationship, in fact you even state that you will have one with or without a man.

 

I think what has happened again, is that you have really pressured him into what you want and what you feel like you need, instead of looking at everything that has happened to him over the past. I think his cold feet are very valid, its been all about what YOU want and you ahve been very vocal about it from day one.

[hmmansfield]

I don't deny it at all... it is about what I want... and he can't give it to me. Look at the rest of the posts on this board... I've been with him 4-15 years and he still won't marry me! Men are pretty good are pursuing what is best for them... women often waste years and years and fertility... standing by their man through the thick and thin of it. Some men come around... some don't. My ex had serious divorce baggage... my inutition just told me it could drag on for years.

 

I was planning on becoming a single mom by choice when I met him. In fact, I left San Francisco and moved to small family town where I could buy house and have a steady job and life in which to raise a child. He asked me to put it on hold for him... and I did.

 

I am 35... I was raised in a single parent household. My dad was a loser. Most of my friends dad's were deadbeats. I could marry and have a baby, and still have a 50% chance of ending up divorced.

 

All my friends are turning 38, 39 and lonely and no great man coming along to fulfill the dream. What I think is sad it that they may have passed on their chance of being a mother in this lifetime because they can't consider the possiblity on no knight in shining armor before the baby... he could always come after.

 

I find women have harder time and sit in more judgment of being a single mother by choice than men... especially those in their 30's... because it requires to confront the cold reality that it may not happen for them in the way they thought. Men completely understand knowing what you want and going after it.

 

My child will be happy.

 

And he didn't stand by me either. He asked for me to bond with his daughter and I have and I love her... he gave me his family... and they are all gone. He could have made more time for me in the last few months, but he didn't. He was having too much fun meeting new people and living the rock-n-roll style. He admits he is being fully selfish and lazy about not wanting to commit.

 

Its a two-way street.

 

I hope you don't have to face this choice, because it is probably the hardest I have ever made. And there is noone on this planet that I would rather have a child with than him.

[norajane]

Dealing with a parent's death, getting a new business off the ground, and being broke enough to have to take on a weekend job doesn't sound like he's living the rock and roll lifestyle to me.

 

Have you considered how he terrified he might feel about taking on another marriage and child when he can't afford the life he has right now? He didn't change his mind about marriage and children on a whim - it sounds like what he's been going through since his father's death and the new business have changed the big picture for him. He no longer has the high paying job he had when you first started dating and he was open to the idea of a wife and kids. Now, he knows he can't afford another family, so wants to take the time to get to a better financial place before he commits to a family. That sounds sensible to me, particularly when he's feeling so much pressure from you and KNOWS that the instant you get married, you will want to start a family.

 

With love, you have to help each other through life, especially when life takes a turn for the worse.

[hmmansfield]

But I talked my mom about this over lunch because I was feeling guilty for leaving and maybe I should have stuck it out... and she reminded me to remember that:

 

1) I hardly ever saw him any more... our sex life had dwindled to once a month because he worked every Friday And Saturday night until 3 or 4.

 

2) Some nights he wouldn't call or he did he was stressed and short.

 

3) He didn't take me on dates... the best I could hope for was renting a movie.

 

Believe me, I knocked myself out trying be the great, supportive girlfriend and got so little in return.

 

And he is working hard, but it is the rock-n-roll lifestyle... he partying with the bands after the shows.... women buying him shots and offering him blowjobs. It was just more than I could handle!

 

I had dinner with his sister last week... and she took my side. Heather, you have to consider your own needs with Kevin. He was so mean and distant to his ex-wife and the more she tried, the more distant he became. It was the same thing in his marriage... he threw himself into work and left his daughter with the ex-wife... she never got her needs met... she asked to get her needs met, and that made him not want to meet her needs. She eventually left him for another man. I had some doubts too... do I want to be with a man for the rest of life that can schedule a date night? Doesn't marriage take work? I was building up resentment... I went to his shows, I did the marketing for his company, I took his daughter shopping and to events, I gave and gave and gave... and he couldnt' even schedule one night a week. I mean, doesn't it take two?

 

We talked about this while breaking up... his mean streak... probably steming from watching his beat his mother. How he totally understood why his ex left him for another man. I can't explain it... but he could be mean.

 

I don't know... maybe we just weren't meant to be together. I like sex and intimacy... and need it as a priority. A night to ourselves every two weeks. That's all I asked from him in return.

 

Maybe I was wrong, or maybe I saved myself from a lonely, miserable marriage.

 

Let me ask this... I run his website:

 

http://www.zeitgeistproductions.com

 

I told him I didn't it anymore, but in a way I want to because I don't want to hurt his business and I need the client sample for my portfolio... I just can't be in contact with him about the updates... just too painful. Do I continue to do his website through his business partner?

[hmmansfield]

Anyway, I have gotten so many opinions in the last three days that I can't even think straight anymore! Anywhere from I'm a selfish bitch to its a good thing you didn't waste years and fertility.

 

I just have to remember that we loved each other and he wanted to be free. That's the reality. He's never been single, he's making all kind of news frienfs, he didn't make time for me, he didn't want to have sex, he was nice to everyone but took his stress out on me, he knows he was mean to mean to me and said it was going to get worse... he wanted to stay together, but that would mean me seeing once a week... and he had he didn't want to work on the relationship. He wanted his time to himself. I am not angry. He deserves this time.

 

I have to stop posting on these boards... it just makes me more confused. Maybe in time I will think I really f***ed up... well... it won't be the first time.

[hmmansfield]

With each day that passes, I have more clarity. Yesterday I was full of fear that I had made a mistake, and this post leaves out some key information.

 

Our big mistake was that from the first week we talked about getting married and did so for the next 7 months. It put way too much pressure on the relationship. Way, way too much. When we just should have been concentrating on getting to know each other, we're planning a wedding and a baby. And I had never dated a divorced man, much less a single-parent. A whole different experience. I tried the best I could to be cool with a moody teenager and the legacy of this this huge figure of an ex-wife.

 

He knew I wanted to get married - so to be with me - he told me everything I wanted to hear, but probably without putting too much thought into first.

 

I was looking back at old journals before his father died and the new business, and realized that there were red flags back then.

 

He hadn't had enough time alone between the divorce and meeting me... only a year. And from 19 to 30... he was in unhealthy relationships... and sometimes it carried over into ours. He fought constantly with his ex... and sometimes he would fall into old habits... snap at me over nothing, take his frustrations out me. A woman tried to trap him when he was 17 by getting pregnant... then he was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and she had a phobia of leaving the the house... and then he went straight into the one with his ex... 7 years together, 6 years fighting non-stop. I think he sees women as a responsibility that rob him of his freedom, and that's why he gets mean (and he does get mean... we talked about it when we were breaking up).He wasn't ready for a commit yet... he hasn't had his time.

 

Even before the business, he had a hard time doing dates... time alone for us. That is something I really need. That we could only spend the night once every week or two together when his daughter was spending the night at a friends... that was challenge. To have sex, and then he has to leave. No snuggling, no morning breakfast, no late night whisperings. Hard. And then when the new business started.. it was once a month... maybe two if I managed to get drunk enough to hang out at his bar until 3 am when the heavy metal bands stopped. Even if I would stayed, I don't see how we could have maintained a relationship for very long without spending time together and building intimacy through makinglove... especially with his personality being one of a bit of a workaholic. I am not the only that lost his time either... his daughter did too. She's home alone a lot now at night... soon 14... advanced beyond her years... no routine in her life because dad's always gone now or she's at the shows until midnight on a school night... that was worrying me too... a sign how easily he can lose balance when it comes to work. And one of things I admired about him was that he wasn't a drinker... I have seen him drink more alcohol in the last three weeks, then in the year pervious.

 

I hope now that he is alone he finds some balance again.

 

I realize I lost myself in this relationship... with us planning a future so fast... every decision he made somehow affected my future and it freaked me out... it was too soon, too fast. I kept asking if we could take a break... that I just needed to get centered... and he wouldn't go for that. I wish we would have done that... took a few steps back a few months ago rather than having it build to this.

 

Instead of just enjoying each other's company and getting to know eachother... we jumped right into serious commitment.

 

I was knocking myself out supporting him in first, the new real estate business, then restaurant business, then the music promotion business... not because I just thought it was cool and fun... but hey, this is my future too. And his daughter and family... o my... so much pressure to get along with them and be perfect since we were getting married. It all happened too fast and we weren't ready... we didn't have the history between us. Period.

 

So, when the music business started taking off... and he's getting a taste of freedom... of the single life (not having to invest energy in a SERIOUS relationship... its not about other women)... and I started feeling him slip away and got scared and we started bickering... he just thought... whoa... how did this happen so fast and maybe its not the right decision?

 

We are both guilty of that... instead of proclaiming true love, marriage and babies in the first month, we should have said... hey... we really dig each other... let's see how it goes.

 

As it was... I just went into overdrive becoming the future perfect wife and step-mother... and lost myself along the way.

 

He was starting to get mean... passive agressive... because other women, I was robbin ghim of his freedom and trying to "trap" him.

 

You know, and I was there for his father's passing... everyday... every step of the way... through helping him get him here from Hawaii, to finding a nursing home, to talking, everything, the wake, the funeral, the hippie wierdo distant family. And the business, half the reason it is so successful is because of the web marketing I do for him for free. And I am still going to do it for him, I decided... I have no revenge impulses in me at all... to hurt his business. I want to support him as a friend.

 

I think he'd totally agree with me on everything I have said... we went too fast. And he tells me over and over again how supportive I have been... in fact, I think towards the end it got on his nerves because then he felt indebted to me... felt indebted to marry me when he was starting to realize things went too fast.

 

Yeah... I am sad... but I truly do care about him... and I know he needs to be alone... and that if I would stayed... it would have gotten worse... fast... we would have ended up hating each other. This way we part as friends, and maybe someday...

 

If we just would have taken a break 3 months ago... seriously, I/we was/were totally over whelmed by it all... and I could have found my center... we maybe could have made it work.

[SoleMate]

Well, I'm getting more info now that changes the picture. If he has a pattern of being "mean" and "distant", and he treats you poorly, there's a problem. And if he chooses...

 

...the rock-n-roll lifestyle... he partying with the bands after the shows.... women buying him shots and offering him blowjobs...

...then a successful marriage with him is basically impossible. So, you did the right thing.