She's letting her ex-husband live in the house!

[What_To_Do?!!?]

I have been dating a girl for about 8 months. She has been separated from her husband for almost 2 years, but the divorce is still not final. Four years ago, her husband took her to his country - one night at his brother's house he got drunk, dragged her into the bedroom, hit her, kicked her in the stomach and spit on her. In his country (Iran) this is perfectly acceptable (apparently) - she screamed for help, but his brother just turned the stereo on and ignored it. She found out later that she was pregnant when this happened.

 

2 years ago she separated from him (well - separate rooms, same apartment). However on 2 occassions, one of them very recently, he raped her. The last one he did it in front of their daughter.

 

Now, he has been living at a friends apartment and she is home. The divorce will be final next month, but his friend is being deported and because of the laws in this country he cannot get a new apartment.

 

Today she announced to me that she will allow him to live in her apartment, with her, until she can find a new place. The reason being that she can find a new place easily, but he cannot. Also, she said her current apartment is too expensive for just one person and if he lived there he would split the rent with her. She made it out to be a totally financial decision.

 

She had swore on my life that she would never allow him back in the apartment and yet today she announces that she will.

 

I have basically told her I could not be with her for breaking her word like this. I don't want to have to go through the hurt of hearing her tell me how he raped her again.

 

I told her, if she does not allow him back that I think we can work through this. Am I crazy to even suggest this? Should I just forget about her? She is the most wonderful person I have ever met and I really felt like she was the ONE for me.

 

I'm really confused and upset now.

[Tony T]

If she allows her ex husband, who beat her and raped her, to live with her again you can't dump her fast enough. Get away and don't look back.

 

This lady you've been seeing for 8 months is a taco short of a combination platter.

[Carrie]

Talk about baggage. She has a lot of it, plus self-esteem issues to boot.

 

This is a tough one. I know you care for her, but what you've got to realize is you can't save her. She's in this situation because she wants to be there. It's comfortable for her. She looks for excuses to stay around with him, even though part of her may want to get away from him. I don't doubt that she has money issues and can't afford her own place, but then she should put an ad in for a female roommate or something. If she were really and truly trying and wanted to get away from this guy, she'd be away from him. Even though she may hate her ex, she's attached to him still for whatever sick & unhealthy reason. You need to ask yourself, What kind of healthy woman who gets beat up by a guy, kicked in the stomach and raped, and still let's him stay in her life. If I ever had a friend who even just said something bad about me behind my back, they'd be history and look what your girlfriend puts up with. How could this girl even be nice to her ex after what he's done to her. The only way she could, would be if she's really has deep issues that are far beyond your help. She needs therapy, heavy therapy. This is not normal.

 

If you stay in this relationship with her, she's going to bring you down. You'll be unhappy all the time, wondering if she's in danger, upset that she won't kick him out, etc. You are in for a ride, unless you stop it now. You'll be pulling all your hair out. It's only been 8 months, just think how much harder it will be to walk away in another 8 months. Get out and find a healthy person who's ready for something with you and only you. This girl has a problem and she's doing this to herself. One day, hopefully, she'll wake up, but she's not going to do it until she's ready. You'll never get her to change her mind and all you'll do is drive yourself crazy.

[What_To_Do?!!?]

Thanks,

 

it's a little more complicated than that, but today I talked to her and basically layed everything out for her. I told her if she allowed him back in the house, that would be the end of us. I explained how I felt and told her that I couldn't believe she would even suggest such a thing.

 

In the end, she agreed with me. She was short sighted and was only thinking about what was most convinient for her life at this very moment. She hadn't thought about what effect it would have on me or her future. After a long talk she realized what she had done and completely had changed her mind.

 

I know what some of you will say - but honestly the situation is a lot more complicated than you can imagine. She IS, however, reading 2 of Dr. Laura's books and she is amazed at how much of the books sound like her life. She wants to start a fresh new life and live it the right way. I believe she is telling me the truth.

 

No, I don't want to wake up in another 8 months and be in this same situation, and I am proceeding cautiously. If there is one more incident like this last one, I will call it quits and move on.