husband lies about smoking pot

[musicsaves]

i have known my husband for 15yrs, been married for 1yr this week. he's always smoked pot- it used to be on a daily basis. i also used to smoke pot but grew out of it. while we were engaged i got tired of him always wanting to be high and do nothing. i told him i didn't want to be w/someone who smokes, that it wasn't what i wanted for my life. of course he "chose" me and promised to stop. he stopped for a while then a week before the wedding i found out he was high. he lied to me at first but then admitted it. he assured me that our honeymoon(jamaica) would be the last time. since then about once a month i suspect he's high, he lies about it, then admits it. first he gets mad at me for making a big deal, even though he knew how i felt about it, then he promises he won't do it again. i have legitimate concerns about smoking pot, i'm not just being difficult. 1)he smokes while driving which is iresponsible 2)we've been trying to get pregnant for a yr. to no avail 3) when he's high there's an emotional wall between us and 4) he works so much that i never get to spend any time w/him. this has me so upset, i feel betrayed because he lies to me and doesn't respect my wishes. also i don't trust him anymore. when he's out late doing "side work", i always question him. i told him we had to go to counseling, he reluctantly agreed, but only went to one session. he made it clear to the therapist that he doesn't want to stop and doesn't think it's a big deal. my question is should i take this as a sign that our marriage is doomed? i just want him to get help. sorry so long! i love him and i know he loves me in his own capacity.

[musicsaves]

also i just want to say that when this happens i always tell him it has to stop, i won't put up with this and if you lie to me again i'll leave you. now i feel like the boy who cried wolf cause i've said it so many times. it's honestly how i feel at the time but i don't know if it's enough of a reason to throw our marriage away so soon. i was hoping he'd mature into his new life. is that possible?

[Kenyth]

Not to sound silly, but if you didn't want a pot smoker, why did you marry one? He won't quit and it's a big issue for you, but you want to have a baby with him now? What will you do, divorce him afterwards? Too many people seem to have the idea that they have the right and duty to marry someone, tear them down to the sub-frame, and then build them back up in thier ideal image. My point is that this should have been worked out BEFORE.

 

At the same time, pot is illegal, so I understand your concern. It's not exactly a great thing to have around a family. It can also put his drivers license and job at risk, not to mention pose a financial burden if he's caught. It's an irresponsible habit, but you married it with eye's wide open. Now, all you can do is ask him to stop and weather the possible consequences.

[ThumbingMyWay]

...everyone has there own way. Now if you were to say mu husband has a drinking problem and he lies about it....I would be concerned. but POT...no i wouldnt. The reason he dont want to quit and lies to you...is because he dont want to hear you nag on him.

 

ok, i am little bias, cause I smoke too, have been for have my life. Never really tried to stop, cause I never thought it was a problem....honestly i really dont think pot is a big deal. Now alcohol......ahhh.. s***

 

you aint going to divorce your husband and he knows it and so do you. My wife nagged me for 10 years to quite smoking.....about every 6 months we;d have the talk....LOL

 

I basically told her, its my choice. SHE finally accepts it.

 

ahhh...f*** it.....I aint even going to debate this.....everytime I do....it goes no were.....to each his own....

[Presario]

Musicsaves,

 

I don't want to sound pessimistic, but I think it will be difficult for him to drop the addiction that he had for 15 years. My bet is that he will not quit it soon, maybe never. I met many alcoholics who would promise to quit drinking, but they never did. It's their personality, they are weak, they need the alcohol or drugs. If it wasn't the alcohol or drugs, it would be something different.

 

Then I heard the stories where the woman stayed and hoped that she will help her man overcome the addiction. I guess sometimes it happens, but most of the time the woman wastes her life constantly trying to help, while the man is just a looser who doesn't care.

 

 

Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

Thumbs pretty much nailed it here. All I can say is, definately hold off having a child until you are sure of the marriage. Please don't have a child thinking it will stop him or save the marriage.

[Guest]

about working it out before we got married, i thought we had. he had quit for 3 months. literally the week before our wedding i found out. i was really upset but i didn't want to call off the wedding a wk away. maybe that was weak of me. i wanted to work all this out before. before things got serious w/us i told him how i felt about it. i also told him i could easily walk away (at that point) and find someone who wasn't into it at all. i just don't want this for my life. and ur right i shouldn't have kids right now, we lost a baby on christmas eve 2004 and it was just a reaction to try again.

[musicsaves]

Not to sound silly, but if you didn't want a pot smoker, why did you marry one? My point is that this should have been worked out BEFORE.

 

i thought i had worked it out before, as i said he had stopped for months and then a week before the wedding i found out he had smoked. maybe i was weak but i didn't want to cancel the wedding a week away. and your right about having kids w/him, i guess it's just a reaction to try b/c we lost a baby on christmas eve of 2004.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thumbs pretty much nailed it here. All I can say is, definately hold off having a child until you are sure of the marriage. Please don't have a child thinking it will stop him or save the marriage.

 

I wouldnt say I nailed it. of course I would be a hyprocite casue I dont want my kids to do it either. but if they do, thye do....all I can do is educate them on the pitfalls.

 

What I am saying is.....smoking pot does not make yuo a "pot"head by stereotype meaning, the druggy looking dude. Does it make some people like that sure, but not me.

 

I have smoked for a loooonnnggg time, and honestly I see no big deal. I have a good job, I amd a great father, I go to church, I maintained honor roll in HS while I smoked every day...I lettered in track, etc... I have smoked with doctors, lawyers, VP's, you name it. Successful upstanding people smoke pot too. I even smoked pot with the Valadictorian of our HS....hahahaha...and it was his. ITs wether you let it control you. its a freakin plant!!! LOL Alcohol and tobacco is LEGAL.....tell me why that is....those are much worse for you body and sociaty as a whole than pot is.....

 

BUT you have your convictions about it, and I respect that, I really do. If it is affecting you personally, then maybe he needs to change his use habits.

 

 

 

aaahhh....this will go nowhere....either you do or dont, its a matter of what you believe I guess. debating this is like debating politics...agree to disagree

[whichwayisup]

If his pot smoking is affecting ALL area's of your lives together, then it's a problem. If he is wasted and not part of life - Then it's a problem. If he is just getting stoned after a long day to unwind or just for fun, then why not?

 

Does he drive when he's stoned? Get paranoid? Or does his whole personality change when he's high? IF so, then yeah, it's a problem.

 

I wouldnt say I nailed it. of course I would be a hyprocite casue I dont want my kids to do it either. but if they do, thye do....all I can do is educate them on the pitfalls.

 

You make sense though.

 

Ofcourse as a parent it's always, do as I say not as I do. I think most people don't want their kids to drink, smoke, do drugs, do stupid things...Or have sex! LOL! All you can do is educate them and try to make them responsible, hope that they make the right choices. And stay safe.

[catgirl1927]

You're right about crying wolf. The contempt that Thumbing has for his wife is evident in his post. Don't ever make threats or give ultimatums, unless you are prepared for it to go either way. You lose credibility if you do.

 

I think it's pretty evident he's not going to change and doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings on this matter. So, you have to decide, can you live with it forever?

 

And more importantly, if he really doesn't respect your opinion, do you want to try to raise kids with him? Parents need to be a team, if one openly holds the other's opinion in contempt it's going to show BIG TIME. It may not be that big a deal, I'm just playing devil's advocate.

 

The issue isn't really whether there is anything wrong with pot. The issue is, he lied to you and feels completely comfortable with that. He doesn't believe that you'd leave over this, and it really sounds like you won't. So, he's not going to stop. Let go of that illusion, accept what you've gotten yourself into and decide if that's what you want.

[musicsaves]

yes he does drive, get's paranoid and is a completely different person. thats the main reason i don't want him doing it. if he was normal when high then sure, smoke on an occasion, he doesn't really drink, and as i've stated before i also have done a fair share of smoking, for a steady 10yrs. i have nothing against people who smoke.

[musicsaves]

and i like you (thumbs) were a functioning pot smoker in high school and through early 20's. he, however dropped out of school in 10th grade and never got his GED. when he smokes he gets all wierd, stops talking, he sucks when he's high.

[tikigods]

As of right now he has no reason or motivation to quit. He knows you won't leave him despite you saying you will, and so he will keep on doing it. Unless you plan on backing up your threats then you are going to have to just be resigned in the fact that you are married to a pothead and a liar

[ThumbingMyWay]

and i like you (thumbs) were a functioning pot smoker in high school and through early 20's. he, however dropped out of school in 10th grade and never got his GED. when he smokes he gets all wierd, stops talking, he sucks when he's high.

 

then I would agree its a problem and I understand your concern. It controls him and has hindered him in his life. I guess I was just defending my use of it and that I dont fit the norm of a stereotype pot head.

[whichwayisup]

There's big difference of smoking pot and being responsible. Your husband doesn't sound responsible Musicsaves. He's choosing to get high to be happy rather than LIVE life. I wonder if he is unhappy with himself, his NON-accomplishments and that is making him depressed - which makes him smoke dope.

 

He needs help then and all I can tell you is, be the strong one here. Maybe follow through on your threat. Next time actually GO SLEEP somewhere else, just take off for the weekend. Go to your family or sister's place (if you have one) or your bestfriend. Let him figure out that his pot smoking habit IS out of control.

[Trimmer]

... and please make sure you have it completely resolved before you give yourselves, as parents, to a child.... Having a kid will not help solve this problem, you need to solve it yourselves first.

[enoughisenough]

i told him i didn't want to be w/someone who smokes, that it wasn't what i wanted for my life.

 

Then why did you marry him? You knew him for 15 YEARS! You knew his habits and NOW after marriage think it's time to complain and feel like changing him??

God, if people only used some sense before they jumped into marriage! UB!

[enoughisenough]

he had quit for 3 months. literally the week before our wedding i found out.

 

3 months is nothing compared to a 15 year habit. People relapse all the time. Don't tell me that never crossed your mind either. Not to mention you had a week to back out after learning about his "relapse" or the fact that he has no further plans to maintain a pot-free lifestyle. Chances are likely he didn't even make three months. Probably just lied about it. Still, you started trying having a baby with this man knowing full well the mess you'd bring yourself and the baby into- likely a broken home- or drug addict parents who abuse the weed (and the emotional problems your husband has when on the drug- how can he take care of a baby or be a dad in that condition?)

Looks like you are using MARRIAGE as an excuse to control and morph this guy into something you find ideal. If you didn't want a pot smoker, why on earth did you date one? DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE A PERSON.. they have to want to change... and chances are you won't be able to. Not to mention how highly unfair it is for him.

 

You knew damn well what you were getting into, but knew you'd have a better chance of changing this DOORMAT (I bet you were looking for a doormat- someone who would easily become accustomed to your controlling ways) if you married the guy.

You know his past record, you know his habits better than anyone and still married him??? WHAT??????????

 

There are basically 3 options and I'm sure you already know this:

1. HE chooses to get help

2. You leave the marriage

3. You accept and deal with it

 

Sounds like you married him in desperation just to have a child, since you starting trying right around the time you both got married. 1. Is this really a stable environment for a child? 2. How do you know he has any chance of getting you pregnant when he's been smoking pot for over 15 years?

 

You probably would have been better off staying single and going to a local sperm bank.

 

 

 

4) he works so much that i never get to spend any time w/him.

 

How does this have anything to do with his pot use?

[sumdude]

i also told him i could easily walk away (at that point) and find someone who wasn't into it at all

 

Well if that didn't endear you to him what could? EASILY walk away? So walk then... Anyone who would easily walk away from a marriage shouldn't be getting married.

[Ladyjane14]

Unless smoking pot is legal where YOU live, then your husband is taking financial risks that you didn't sign on for. It's not 1975 anymore. Depending on the circumstances surrounding an arrest, there's a significant fiscal hazard here. It's expensive to defend a criminal case. And your future is tethered to your husbands. The police don't decide who's innocent and who's guilty when they bust somebody. They just take them all in and let the lawyers sort it out. You could lose your home or even be arrested yourself.

 

I'll be frank with you. I'd probably divorce him, and failing that...I certainly wouldn't have children with him until he's straightened himself out. He's lied to you repeatedly, and I think you were very clear about what you were looking for in a husband. He had no right to make promises to you that he didn't intend to keep. He said he'd quit....and he didn't.

 

It's a shame that you've invested 15 years.... but what would be a greater shame is to invest 10 more, have kids, and then have to break up a FAMILY....all because this guy can't pull his head out of his ass and GROW UP.

 

Sorry hon. Unless your husband is willing to get some help, I don't see much hope here.

[slinkysu]

Musicsaves,

 

I don't want to sound pessimistic, but I think it will be difficult for him to drop the addiction that he had for 15 years. My bet is that he will not quit it soon, maybe never. I met many alcoholics who would promise to quit drinking, but they never did. It's their personality, they are weak, they need the alcohol or drugs. If it wasn't the alcohol or drugs, it would be something different.

 

Then I heard the stories where the woman stayed and hoped that she will help her man overcome the addiction. I guess sometimes it happens, but most of the time the woman wastes her life constantly trying to help, while the man is just a looser who doesn't care.

 

 

Best of luck.

 

*falls off chair*

 

Alcoholics and addicts are not weak - they have an addiction which is a medical condition and needs treatment - not narrow-minded drivel as the likes above.

 

Alcoholism runs in my family - i had no idea about this until i ended up as an alcoholic in my early 20's. Realising i had a problem i put myself into re-hab at 22 and 9 years later have never touched a drop. Addiction is impossible to understand unless you have been there, but to call people who suffer as weak is outrageous. It's a medical condition! Would you call cancer sufferers weak? People don't ask for this disease - it's just bad-luck-lotery of the gene pool. It's a life time condition that you can't get rid of and can only control by will power and self-control, and no one, NO ONE is perfect. Life gets on top of everyone at some stage or another and sadly some people's coping mechanisms are less than others. It doesn't make them weak, it makes them afflicted and people need understanding, not condemnation.

 

Musicsaves - you need to sit down with your husband and ask him if he thinks he has an addiction (not if you think he has an addiction - is HE thinks he has an addiction). Ask him if he genuinely wants to stop or if he just says it to please you.

 

If he admits to having an addiction but isn't ready to stop then there is nothing you can do. The only way for an addict to get better is to truly want the help. If others try to make them better they will only revert back to what they want to do. You can't control him and you can't fix him.

 

So what can you do?

 

You can accept that this is the situation. You can choose whether it is an acceptable situation for you to continue with and you can choose whether to stay or not. You need to be able and willing to accept the consequences of whatever choice you make. But you can only make choices as they reflect to you.

 

If you really will leave him for this then you need to actually pack your bags and go. As you say - it's all too cry wolf if it's an empty threat. It also devalues your word when having discussions if you say such dramatic things but don't act on them - he knows now he can get away with things and you will still be there.

 

Have a proper heart to heart. No shouting or arguing or raised voices. start your sentences with 'i feel.......' never 'you should......' and find out how he feels about his addiction (if he views it as an addiction or a hobby or whatever) and then decided from there whether this is acceptable to you or not. Only you can decide what is best for you. Sadly, the same applies to your husband, who obviously feels he can cope with the smoking.

 

Also - ask him if there are any underlying factors as to why he smokes. Most addictions cover a mask of insecurities and are about escapism and not dealing with the world around you. being cut off from it all - is he under pressure a lot? what's he running away from?

 

Finally - when someone does give up an addiction it is all too common that their emotional gauge is stuck at the age at which they first got addicted - so be prepared for some erratic and confusing behaviour. Decide whether this is a good environment to bring a child into and maybe deal with one thing before the other. Bringing a baby into the world when also kicking an addiction is piling a lot of stress onto yourselves - be aware of what you are getting into.

 

Good luck

[Presario]

Slinkysu,

 

Congratulations on success with fighting your alcoholism.

 

Alcoholics and addicts are not weak - they have an addiction which is a medical condition and needs treatment - not narrow-minded drivel as the likes above.

 

Once you get physically addicted, then it's a medical condition, but before this happens, you need to choose to drink. This is your choice, no one forces you to do this. I risk a claim that weak people will choose to drown their problems in alcohol, while stronger guys will try to fix them, even if it's painful.

 

Alcoholism runs in my family - i had no idea about this until i ended up as an alcoholic in my early 20's. Realising i had a problem i put myself into re-hab at 22 and 9 years later have never touched a drop.

 

I have a few alcoholics in my family too. Not only do I call them weak, but also selfish and foolish. They ruin their lifes and their families. Some of them died because they overdosed.

 

Slinkysu, you were strong and reasonable, recognized it as a problem and went for treatment. It's impressive. The alcoholics that I know don't think they have a problem and refuse any help. They call themselves "alcohol gourmet," an yet they drink a bottle of cheap alcohol everyday.

 

Now, you may think that I'm a young fool who only feels strong, because I was never tested in life. To some extent this may be true: I was raised by sober, loving and supporting parents (my parents and siblings don't drink, but grandparents, uncles, cousins and others do), and now I have a great wife. Life was always good for me. But many times I had a choice to drink, and yes, I tried it a few times. Then I had a choice to take drugs, and I never did, because they mean only problems. I was making these choices over years because I want to have a normal and peaceful life.

 

I saw others who drink heavily (not just socially) or do drugs for no apparent reason. They just like it and are happy with it. I think they are weak and shortsighted, because when hard times come for them, they will resort to alcohol and drugs to make them happy.

 

You say that some people are more susceptible to drinking than others because of their genes. I believe it's true. We all have our genetic predispositions, diseases, habits, families, skills, friends, places where we live and work, and our past. It's our task to put together all these parts and try to make them work. I don't think that every alcoholic is just an unlucky person who got worse genes than I did.

[sumdude]

Sure are some tall horses round these parts...