My mom hates my boyfriend and as a result is trying to cut me off

[inaquandry]

I have never posted on one of these things, but I need help and I'm at a loss.

 

Let me try to make this brief.

 

First of all I am 25 yrs old, I have a degree from a well respected university and a pretty good job (which I dislike immensely, but that's another topic). I also own my own car and rent my own apartment. I owe my parents no money and am 100% self supporting. I have a lot of friends, don't use drugs, do volunteer work and am seemingly a good person; what more could a mother want, right??!

 

Well I met a man while I as still at university 3 yrs ago. He is 4 years older than me, has a degree and a job. We started dating exclusivelyshortly after and he came home with me for haunakah. His parents are very liberal, mine overprotective and conservative and he made a joke about having to sleep in separate bedrooms during the visit. It was very subtle and very innocent. In retrospect, I don't think he understood the magnitude of his comment. This immediately pissed off my mom who thought he was questioning her rules. During our annual heated cultural and political debate (only one side basically is allowed to talk) at the dinner table he took a democratic stance which blew my parents off the radar. My brother was out of control all through dinner and my parents were yelling and screaming at him which I could tell was making my boyfriend uncomfortable(who never raises his voice or blood pressure), and I think my mmom picked up on this which made her think he was questionning their parenting skills. My boyfriend was also allergic to our cats and ws having asthma attacks which he was controlling with benedryl. My mom also didn't seem to like the fact that he and I exchanged pricey luxiorious gifts. The asthma and the fact that I could sense my mom's irritation caused me to make a call to leave the "celebration" a little earlier than planned. Other than that things seemed to go well, better than "meet the parents"

 

Sorry for all the bckgrnd, but this is the only time my mom met the boyfriend and subsequently decided that she hated him, but didn't tell me. A couple months later I called her (we have always been really close), extremely hung over complaining that my BF was lecturing me on my college binge drinking after a particularly rowdy night out with friends which culminated in me burning a hole in his shirt with my ciggarette and then blacking out (this was just a phase and I rarely drink anymore-which I attribute to the BF saving me). She decided to tell me that he was a control freak and possessive and trying to keep me from my family. PS my mom used to berrate me after I went on a bender and called her worried about my grades or something I said the night before.

 

Aside from one other episode, my parents have NNNNNOOOOOO reason to hate him as much as they do. When my parents refused to help me finance a special summer program I wanted to do for school, I HAD TO BEG them to help me fill out a FAFSA with their tax info, they just didn't want me to go away for the summer-my bf decided to give me the money and even paid for my plane ticket. The fact that my rents were so unsupportive of the program broke my heart---it was so instrumental to my studies. My BF has continued to support me when my parents haven't throughout the years and I love him.

 

When I returned from my program I had to move home for awhile because of lack of money. My parents wouldn't allow my bf to pick me up at the house, wouldn't allow me tocall him on their phone, I wasn't allowed to say his name (they made taht rule). I got a 2am curfew (i was 22) and wsn't allowed to stay ovver at his house and just started lying about where I was going when I went for a visit (home by 2am) because I couldn 't handle the stress of them berrating him to me. I moved out and continued to see him, but never again mentioned him to my parents (they told me not to).

 

Eventually they began to think I was single. They never mentioned him and neither did I. They would make references that would have subtle undertones of me being single and I would never contradict them, but never affirm them. It's gone on like this for approx the last 1.5 yrs.

 

I've been living a lie...I spend holidays apart from my bf. I visit my rents approx 2 times a week solo just to avoid them knowing about him. I have told my mom that I have decided to "keep her separate from mmy love life" because our relationship works better that way. When she continues to pry, I tell her that I will not answer her questions-

 

My mother has made me choose between her and other people in my life throughout my entire life! She pulled a similar stunt with a highschool flame, resulting in such tension in the house that we didn't speak for 3 months, he used to have to pick me up at a neighbors because he wasn't allowed in my driveway. Oh yah, she also guilted me into cutting off communication with my biological father-which I did at her mercy and then he passed away suddenly-ouch, as well as my grandma who i was vvery close with because of my mother's and her estranged relationship.

 

I'm not willing to choose between her and my bf. He is everything to me, he is kind and supportive, despite all of this he never speaks ill of my mother...this hurts him. We have discussed engagement, but we are both at a loss over what this will do to my family and my psyche.

 

I recently went on an extended vacation with my bf and beforehand I came clean to my mother about him, because I had to tell her I was leaving town and I couldn't bear to lie about it. She told me I was deceptive and a liar and that he was a jerk and that I was ruining my life. She also told me that I wasn't capable of making my own decisions and that I wasn't a "true adult" She told me I wasn't happy unless I was "calling all the shots". She also told me that I must be "ashamed" of my boyfriend to keep this from her. Remeber-- she forbid me from uttering his name in her presense.

 

I told her, calmly, that I wasn't ashamed in the least and that it was my life and I do get to call the shots. My shots included keeping my love life separate. I felt obligated to tell her I was out of town so she wouldn't worry and she dragged it out of me who I was with. Oh she also told me that he must be a lousy person to take a trip over the mothers day holiday---Reality-I chose the dates.

 

We haven't spoken in 2 weeks. I am not calling her first---it's all about power with her....if I don't give in and call her, she will for sure cut me out of her life, and cut me out of my 13 yr old brother's life---she will make him choose me or her.

 

I cannot continue to allow her to keep me in a glass cage all for her. What should I do....this has been and continues to tear me apart. I've had anxiety attacks and am starting to think I might be going crzy. Counseling is not an option. I refuse---please share your stories or advice.

 

I love my boyfriend-but even if it were someone else, my mother would pull this again. This is the second time she has done it with a boyfriend and the fourth time with a loved one.

 

-forced to choose

[Citizen Erased]

So your mother has kept you away from anybody you have ever loved for her own obvious selfish reasons? I am amazed you could put up with it for that long!

 

Your mother obviously has her own issues which you are unaware of and so hence the possesiveness she shows towards yourself. Are you aware if she does this with her husband or your brother? Perhaps she is envious of those who take up your time other then herself?

 

To be put plainly, it is ridiculous that she would dare to say you cannot see your own partner at the age of 22. If she wishes him to not be under her own roof, of course she has every right, but the fact that he couldn't even go up the driveway spells out the strangeness of her attitude. Even not wanting to hear his name suggests she is extremely attached to you and knows this guy has the potential to take her little girl away from her.

 

The fact of the matter is, however, you are an adult and she has no right. He has not been rude to her, hasn't spoken behind her back to you, in fact I am amazed at the maturity of your boyfriend! Most people, male or female, would be scared off!

 

I would suggest that you have a frank talk with your mother about this. Don't start off by being offensive and dont raise your voice. Speak to her calmly and try to explain to her how her actions are hurting you. You should not give up on this guy, and from the sounds of it, it will happen again and again no matter who the guy is. Do you have to wait around your whole life until she finally approves? I think not!

 

Speak to her. Explain that her attitude is highly inappropriate and you are in fact an adult who is in charge of her own life (not in those exact words, use a bit of tact ). Use an example of the fact that you could not even come to her about your happiness in this relationship because you weren't even allowed to speak your partners name. Then, tell her he is the person who makes you happy. Ask her if she wants you to be happy. That should hit it home

 

Don't give up on your future happiness because of your family. I have seen something similar and it always will end in disaster. You need to realise that you need to look out for yourself and that, yes your mother brought you up, but it is your right to decide how to use what you have learnt through her. Do not EVER treat your children like this!

[suegail]

I agree with the last poster in that I think you should go ahead and communicate with your mom on the subject, however, she doesn't sound like someone who does much listening. I think I'd write a letter, and I would tell her as far as you're concerned you have no desire to break family ties, and the door is open, therefore the decison is hers. She will have to decide to accept you as an adult, to accept the decisons you make regardless of how she feels. You will not allow her to push and pull you by way of guilt for the rest of your life. If I were you I would say "look mom, I am done with explaining, I am done with apologizing for how I feel...this is my life. I have decided." Tell her you love her, you will always love her, she is welcome into your life. This way you are offering her a place in your life, you're not getting hostile, you're not turning away, and that puts you on higher ground as far as I am concerned. You're telling her that you love her, but at the same time you're taking a firm stand on living with your own decisions, come what may.

 

Let her think it over....it may take time for her to come around, but I'll bet she will.

[Solachica]

inaquandry your situation and mine seems so similar.

Felt like I was reading something tht I wud have posted.

Right now my Mom isn't speaking to me and reasoning with her isn't working.

 

Don't give up on your future happiness because of your family. I have seen something similar and it always will end in disaster. You need to realise that you need to look out for yourself and that, yes your mother brought you up, but it is your right to decide how to use what you have learnt through her. Do not EVER treat your children like this!

I agree with this but sometimes saying it is easier than actually having it put into practice.

[Citizen Erased]

I agree with this but sometimes saying it is easier than actually having it put into practice.

 

That's just the thing. It was myself I was speaking about. My mother did the same thing to me for 5 years after my parents divorced. It was with all my boyfriends, my dad, my sister and my grandmother. It could have been me writing that 2 years ago!

 

I realised that my mother used guilt to keep me to her. She was different, she has never felt love for any of her children, especially me. It wasn't until I realised she was actually jealous of me that I could stand up to her.

 

I moved out and didn't look back. She came to my high school graduation just to have a go at me in front of my teachers and friends. Just because I wouldn't let her badmouth every one in my life anymore. We now have a relationship which is polite, but nothing else. It is the way at the moment I prefer it. I do wish though that I tried to talk to her earlier because then maybe I could have forgiven her.

[inaquandry]

You probably cant imagine that I would be smiling right now, but when I read your replies to my post I felt relieved that other people have been through what I am going through and more importantly, that they agree with my stance on this.

 

I feel so guilty because I feel like I'm defying my mother and she always tries to make me feel like if I were older, smarter more experienced I would understand her point of view and wouldn't question her behaviour. This of course makes me feel like either A. I'm in the wrong and I'm a spoiled brat who knows nothing about the world or B. I'm going crazy. Is this a lack of respect for me and brainwashing, maybe. Who knows.

 

I've decided to take the advice of Suegail and write a letter. Afer that, it's up to her, but if she decides she wants a relationship with me, I will be calling the shots and setting the boundries. As I recall, when she remarried, I didnt get a vote, so why should she get one for my love life, right?>

 

PS: will this get any easier? It would be really nice to have my family (what's left of it) at my wedding, but they won't be allowed if they are going to be sour and curt and cause me anxiety....I'm at a loss with this one.

[Solachica]

I realised that my mother used guilt to keep me to her.

My mom is using Guilt too.

I've tried reasoning with her and she said tht I deserve better.....but how can she know if I deserve better if she's never even took the time to get to know my bf and based her entire opinion on wht she saw...since she never actually spoke to him.

[suegail]

Good decision! and, yes, I believe it will get easier. Sometimes when there is someone in life who uses a sort of bulldog approach (and finds that it works) once the recipient gets darn tired of it and stands up and makes it clear they are done being bullied, the person will often back down. It sounds as if that has been more or less the situation with your mom. She's tried to control you in this way for a very long time, and I think she just needs some time to get used to seeing you with new eyes. You are no longer a child. You will be making your own decisions. Once she accepts that I think things will be okay. I think she'll want to be a part of your life. I am sure she loves you with all her heart. She's just very afraid that in some way you'll get hurt, something may happen, some dark fears she has, as do all parents. It's just hard for her to let go....

[Broken2peices]

Hi,

I am only 15 and my mother already hates everything that I do. She hates the people that I am with and the things that I am interested in. I have always wanted to be a vet but my mom said that I shouldnt care for animals so much and that she isnt proud of me. So now I have this new boy friend and my mom hates him because of his family backrounds. I know that he is nothing like them and I really want to be with him as long as I have. I hate sneaking and lying but if she doesnt trust me what else am I supposed to do. I have searched every where for answers and this is my last hope. I have tried to run away but there is no where to go. I love her I do but I dont that she trusts me with any one. My boyfriend is 16 going on 17 and she wont let him drive me any where. I cant even go to the movies with him unless she was there too. Its the same with my friends. What do I do?

Thanks

Broken2peices