G/F Cheated, wants me to take her back

[Guest88]

Hello Everyone, I could really use some advice here--I will try to keep this short and to the point.

 

I had been going out with my "ex"-g/f Melissa for about 4.5 years, and lived with her for over a year. We had an overall very happy and satisfying relationship with ups and downs like any other. I really truly loved this girl and was planning on marrying her by the end of this year.

 

Back in February we were in the middle of our worst point of the relationship, not communicating well or at all, not being intimate or not often, fighting a lot, etc. At one point she broke up with me in the middle of one of our fights and temporarily moved out, we got back together after a few days.

 

I recently learned by snooping in her emails/diary that she was involved in some way with another guy. When I first confronted her she said it was only an online thing, and they never met. I then found more info , a paper where she compared me to another guy - A - and listed my faults, and his strengths/weaknesses. Under his side, it stated "is a good f***/likes to f***, puts down a towel, is really an a**h***, will not sleep with him again."

 

When I confronted her with this info she said what really happened was her and a girlfriend did meet up with A once at his apartment, while drunk. She said that the furthest it went was her "touching his ____" and him using his hands on her. She said at that point she realized how crazy the idea was and felt uncomfortable so she got up and left...but her friend stayed over since she was still drunk. She swears to me that she did not have oral or vaginal/anal intercourse with A and that I dont even have to worry about getting tested for any std. She also swears this was the only time she's ever cheated and she did it because she thought I was cheating (based on me going out drinking a few times with friends and not returning her calls or coming home at 4 am ---all because I got too drunk and passed out.)

 

She cried and cried, got down on her knees, grabbed my ankle and begged me to try to forgive her. She seemed truly sorry and stated she didnt tell me sooner because she knew it would be over and was afraid to lose me.

 

I told her we need to separate for a while and she moved her stuff back home with Mom. I asked her to please not call for a while, since I need time to think to myself. It's been one full day of N/C so far...

 

My sto the board is this: should I take her back and what are the chances she will do this again?, Is it likely that she did have intercourse with A but fears telling me?, Is loving someone worth taking the risk of losing them again oneday?

 

I know theyre are no easy answers, but I could use help evaluating my choices and figuring things out.

 

Thanks,

John C

[daphne]

Only you can decide whether she's worth it to take her back.

 

Did she cheat? I believe she had intercourse with him and is still lying. That note says it all. I do believe that most of the time, once a cheater always a cheater. What happens teh next time things aren't perfect? She screws some other a**h*** that's good in bed?

 

The only way to make it work is to figure out why she cheated and fix it but since I believe she's still lying about it, you won't.

[hmmansfield]

I think she slept with him too and is still lying. Not good.

 

I went back to one of my boyfriends after cheating... it was never the same... never trusted him again... I just have dealt with the pain and moved on... because the hell involed in rebuiling trust... only to have him cheat again a year and a half later... hell.

 

I can understand if you are married 25 years or seperated and giving it another go.

 

Its up to you... if you think you might want to... I would take three months before you go back... watch her behavior and you should go out on a date with someone else during that time. My advice.

[Yamaha]

She slept with him and they did have sex. She would not have written that if they just touched.

 

She had no intention of telling you about this and that is a concern.

 

and listed my faults,

 

Yuo don't say what she considers your faults.

 

Is loving someone worth taking the risk of losing them again one day?

 

I think love is worth a risk but how much you will accept only you can answer. I do feel that when a person shows their tendency to cheat you really need to put up a red flag. If she gets mad again she might go back to it. If it was me and she really showed that she loved me and was truly sorry for what she did I would give her another chance. She has to earn your trust again and that can take a long time. Are you willing to put in the time is your question?

[Just Visiting]

I agree with the last poster, it wouldn't be a good idea to take her back. If you do, just be aware that it is a strong possibility that she will pull that crap again.

[SoleMate]

Is it likely that she did have intercourse with A but fears telling me?

 

I'd give that about a 97%.

 

should I take her back?

I suppose your r/s could continue. I would recommend it if and only if:

 

* She admits to you the things that you already know from her diary - and takes less than 8 weeks of interrogation to get there

 

* She works hard - with you - at stopping the fights, coldness, etc. and improving closeness and the overall quality of the r/s (please see Marriage Builders on line, and also The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns)

 

* She goes "open book" on all her emails, passwords, cell phone, etc. That means you have the right to look over her shoulder on the computer, log in to her email, pick up and answer her cell phone, check her voice mail, at any time. I don't recommend this for an intact r/s - it's a special deal for a r/s where there has been cheating. The open book policy does two things: 1) it makes it logistically hard for her to continue cheating and lying, and 2) it is a concrete way for her to show that she is actively working to regain your trust

 

and what are the chances she will do this again?

If you both work hard on your relationship to reduce the triggers - like fights and emotional/physical distance - and she becomes completely honest and open book with you, without any holdbacks, sullenness, counter-accusations - then it could be a safe bet (i.e. < 20%). If no to any of the above items, then I would say 80-90% chance of a repeat.

 

Is loving someone worth taking the risk of losing them again one day?

I think a good r/s is worth working for, and worth fighting for. On the other hand, lots of people cling to inappropriate partners for extended periods of time JUST to avoid the pain of breakup. Breakup pain can be quite severe, but it is also temporary in most cases. I would not put my lifetime happiness in the hands of someone unless I had very high confidence that they would not hurt me like this. I advise reading plenty of posts from spouses who have been cheated on to really understand this issue. There are many different levels of pain that result from cheating, some of which you may not even have considered.

[radiation7740]

No I don't think you should take her back. Once the trust is broken it will never work out period! I don't care if she begged you to take her back. Tell her no and stay away from her. Go into strict NC mode forever.

[Spitkicker]

I learned this the hard way... Once a cheater always a cheater.