It's a long story ... so what do I do now ...

[Schweetheart420]

[sIZE=2]Here's the story ... I was married for 6 years ... that man was abusive ... I left him ... I had children with him that I now raise completely alone. 10 months after I left him I met someone and got all caught up. I let this guy completely in my life, my children's life, everything.

 

He moved in with me and 6 months later cheated on me. We split and I started dating a friend of mine, someone I really cared for as a friend. Then I decided to get back with Mr. Cheater and I completely cut the friend out of my life because Mr. Cheater asked me too.

 

Mr. Cheater and I moved back in together and things seemed ok. Then about 9 months later Mr. Cheater, cheated again. I called the friend I had dated before. We started seeing each other again, started out slowly because he hurt from when I completely deserted him before.

 

I lied to my friend, I told him Mr. Cheater was totally out of my life and I didn't want him back. I was still seeing Mr. Cheater, telling him that I was going to try to work things out with him and the same time telling my friend I wanted to start a new relationship with him. For several months I was confused. I think I was hurt from being cheated on and lied to and didn't want to be rejected by either of them, I didn't care really about anyone's feelings but my own. Mr. Cheater kept saying he wanted me back and loved me but the whole time he was seeing other girls, I knew he was but I ignored it because I it felt good to hear that someone loved me. I was too blind and selfish to realize that I was dragging my friend into this mess that had nothing to do with him.

 

5 months this went on and then they found out that I had been lying and cheating on both of them. And they didn't find out because I told them, they found out because I started getting closer to my friend and Mr. Cheater started getting jealous and was pushing harder to push him out and then one day I just got caught up in too many lies when questioned by both of them about what was going on ... Mr. Cheater was in my house and my friend was on the phone and it all just came out then.

 

Well not all of it. I lied then too. At the time I told my friend that my relationship over the last 5 months with Mr. Cheater was very limited, that I had only slept with him a few times and that I never led Mr. Cheater to think that I still wanted a relationship with him. To hurt Mr. Cheater though as much as he hurt me, I did tell him everything. I told him that I had begun a relationship with my friend and that I had real feelings for him and I wanted Mr. Cheater out of my life.

 

My friend and I decided to work things out and my friend became my boyfriend and began what I thought was going to be "it", the relationship that works out. We had gone through so much and still got along so well, he and I have such a foundation, we are friends first before all the bulls***, he has to be it, I can't be closer or more open with anyone else. My boyfriend is amazing, he treats me better than any man I have ever known or been with. He loves me completely and unconditionally. Yet I took it for granted.

 

Mr. Cheater didn't stay away long, he called me and I gave in, I saw him and I slept with him for several weeks in the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend. I think about why I did it and start to come up with a million answers. Mr. Cheater helped me out a lot with my children and other things in my life a lot me feels like I couldn't get away from him because I needed that help and then I would just give in to him and sleep with him as a "thank you" for the help he offered.

 

But thinking about it more, stepping outside and analyzing from outside I think that excuse is too easy. I think all the cheating and lies from Mr. Cheater made me want to let him back in just so I could hear from him the I love you's and i want you back so I could say no to him and try to hurt him the way he hurt me. I slept with him because I knew that was the only way to keep him coming back. I was tactful about it, I didn't sleep with him every time I saw him just every 4th or 5th time so to him it was like the lottery, if he came over to "help" me then maybe he would get some, and he would keep coming as long as there was that chance and I could reject him 4 out of those 5 times and hurt him like he hurt me.

 

So now you know, I am a terrible person. I do evil, dishonest and mean things to people. But it doesn't stop there. Finally, I got tired of it. I felt like hurting Mr. Cheater really didn't do anything for me anymore, I just didn't care. On top of all that, my new boyfriend was really good to me. He is a good person. Another reason I thought maybe I was with Mr. Cheater, he is a liar and cheater and that's probably all I deserve ... again too easy but I digress. My new boyfriend is deep down just a good person, how normal people are. He can think of how to cross the line but can't bring himself to do it cause he actually has a heart, unlike me who just runs across the line and doesn't even think about it till miles later.

 

So then I decide to really give my boyfriend the chance he deserves. He is good to me, I am over Mr. Cheater, I'm ready to jump in. So I do and we have and amazing time for a couple months, then I had some stressful times. Not with my boyfriend but with work, my kids, my family, all these outside sources and my boyfriend also had some stresses going on in his life and his work he had to deal with.

 

I was back where I started. I needed someone and although my boyfriend was trying to be there he has is own world to worry about and instead of me seeing it I got selfish again and I went to Mr. Cheater for the attention I needed. I didn't sleep with him but I did talk to him and we went out to dinner and a movie and he started in with the i miss you and the i love you and all that basically because he was playing the lottery again to see if he could get what he wanted once again.

 

This time I actually had a heart though. I felt awful for even talking to him and I realized that I only went back before to try to hurt him and I am so over that, that now it's not worth sitting and listening to him. So I tried to tell my boyfriend that I did talk with Mr. Cheater and go out with him and that I was really sorry and did feel bad, worse than I think I have ever felt about any of it. I tried to be honest with my boyfriend and other than a little sugar coating I was pretty honest about what happened. But my boyfriend asked me again about what had happened over the 5 months when I was seeing both of them and if anything else went on that he didn't know about. To try to spare his feelings, I lied and kept the very limited story I had told him before.

 

At this point my boyfriend and I know each other very well, he knew that I was lying. And he went searching. He found old emails and talked with Mr. Cheater and found out everything that I had lied to him about. Before he told me he knew he gave me a last chance to tell him everything and I looked at him and lied. He called me out and he had to drag it all out of me but he did.

 

And now here I am and I don't know what to do. On one hand I am still who I am, I am selfish. Why I am like that probably goes way back to how I was raised and everything that has influenced my life in general so we won't analyze that, the fact is I am selfish. I want what I want and I want my boyfriend. If I met him today, now that I am over Mr. Cheater and that chapter is done, he is still the amazing person he is and honestly everything I could want in a partner. He's the one I want. I should have waited until I was over Mr. Cheater to start with him again but again, I didn't think about that, I didn't know I was going to actually fall as hard as I have for my boyfriend, at the time I was just in it for me.

 

I know some people can look and say how can you love your boyfriend if you cheated on him and I get it but the thing is I didn't cheat. At least in my mind and in my heart I didn't. My mother has told me that you are still in a relationship if you have some emotion towards that person. No matter what that emotion is, love, hate, sadness, whatever it is, if you can't let go of the emotion you can't let go of the relationship. Until I stopped playing games with Mr. Cheater I was still with him. I was in that relationship. My heart was filled with anger and sadness and it was stuck with him. I didn't realize really who my boyfriend was or what I really had or was doing at that time. I was blinded by hate for Mr. Cheater and getting him back and unfortunately my boyfriend was a victim of that.

 

Once I let go of Mr. Cheater, my heart was empty and my boyfriend flooded in with all the love and happiness he brought and I fell head over heals in love. I continued to lie about the past because I didn't want to hurt him with those things that just didn't matter anymore. To me it's like when you are in a new relationship and that new person asks you "Did you ever ... with anyone else?" and even if you have you may say no just cause why does it matter, the past doesn’t matter this is the person that is special to you now and you want them to feel that way because they make you feel that way.

 

So now I love my boyfriend, I am truly, madly, deeply in love. The selfish part of me wants him, I want to make it up to him, show him how sorry I am for how much I have hurt him, show him how much I really do care for him, I want to work through all the hurt and pain no matter how hard it is to get us back to a good place. I want to walk over coals and stick myself with needles to show him I am willing to do anything to make it all up to him and it kills me to know I have hurt him the way I have.

 

But the thing is I really love him. I love him more than I care to be selfish. I look at him and I see how much I have hurt him and I want to tell him to leave me. To run away from me as fast as he can, head for the hills, he is better than me and deserves so much more than I have given him. He needs someone who will never use him the way i did or ever take him for granted. I want to shut him out so he is forced to find someone better. I want to just let him go so he can not hurt and go find happiness. I want him happy and I want to miss him and hurt the way I have hurt him.

 

What is the healthy and right thing to do? Do I try to make it all up to him and love him the way I should have all along? Do I shut him out, force him to leave me so he can find happiness somewhere else?

 

Any and all advise or comments welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this drama.

[/sIZE]

[norajane]

Your boyfriend would be better off without you in his life. However, he seems to suffer from doormat disease and won't leave you no matter how much you lie to him, how many times you cheat, how many times you betray his love for you. So congratualations - you've found a guy who accepts you and won't leave you even though you treat him like s***.

 

If you truly love him, then by all means, start treating him like you love him. If not, then yes, freeze him out se he's forced to get away from you and start his life fresh.

 

Then get yourself into some serious therapy to figure out why you can't stop yourself from being a cheater, and why you are mean to the people in your life, and why you're more attracted to cheaters and losers than to a man who's honest and loves you.

[TheBoyfriend]

First, I want to assure you that I love you very much and you hold a huge piece of my heart. This will be true until the day the casket closes on me. I know you know this.

 

So, for the past two weeks we’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster that has made me feel lower than I’ve ever felt. In fact, you probably hold the title of hurting me the most. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten as close to someone as I have with you and it burns to think about our relationship as having been filled with so much dishonesty. The past 24 hours you’ve come out and told me things that I wouldn’t have ever known and it’s helped relieve some of the pressure. Although extremely painful, it’s somewhat comforting to know that I’m finally out of the dark. I truly thank you for that. However, I still believe there might be some things you haven’t told me or are too scared to tell me (BTW we just got off the phone). I guess it doesn’t matter though because there are so many other negatives and we’re past the point of saturation.

 

The newer stuff hurts the most. I felt that since having come back from Asia (and yes I have my own daemons to deal with) that you and I were getting closer. When I introduced you to my friends, family, and even business partners and we all went out to dinner (the day of the tattoo), I felt that we’d started fresh. However and hence the fighting from March till now, I could tell there was always something else. Your post doesn’t come as much of a surprise. Part of me playing devils advocate today at breakfast with my friend was defending why I thought you did what you did. Still though, it doesn’t explain the part of sleeping with him even AFTER the tattoo. Again, this is one of the biggest problems I have because it was supposed to be a new beginning. I suppose you “getting back” at him makes sense for November, December, and maybe even January. Anything beyond that was out of selfishness. Sleeping with him after the tattoo simply crossed the line. What’s done is done. What I’m left to think about is *why* things happened the way they did. Is it because I didn’t show you enough love? Is it because you truly needed the help? Or are there darker reasons that have been pushed back under the rug only to resurface later? I keep asking you details about things not to crucify you but to try and figure out what went wrong. I do it because I care. Obviously I have enough material to be hurt for a long time … and even more to keep anyone new from walking into my life for quite some time. Still I care enough to know why all these things happen in case there’s some type of light at the end of the tunnel.

 

If I didn’t come over on Friday night and if I stopped talking to you after finding out … would you be with him today? I don’t think either one of us can answer that question honestly. The fact is that I did come over and I didn’t stop talking to you because I love you. Before all of these recent events, but not dating back further than 2-3 weeks, one of the struggles in my mind was to suggest having Mr. Cheater be there for you as help. If I were to have allowed him in, and stealing one of your phrases, “it wouldn’t have been on your time”. This is why I got so upset when I found out you spoke with him on the phone. Obviously this is before I realized what type of *reward* his help would grant him. I used to feel bad about the possibility of having you choose between him and me, you cutting him out of your life, and then things not working out between us. I know the daily stress you go through and the simple fact of someone being there to help makes the difference of you having the will power to continue on with each day.

 

Now, you say you’re willing to take punishment, you’re willing to be hurt, and you’re willing to cut Mr. Cheater out of your life. Is this the same reaction you had in March? Back then you promised me the same things; you even went as far as tattooing my initials on your wedding finger. Again, I don’t think either one of us can answer this question honestly. If we tried (again) to get this past us, the next *several* months would involve us re-living everything that’s gone on between us, arguing, bickering, etc. I know you’re willing to accept these bad things for a chance of working things out but there’s more to it than that. The thing is that I love you and I deeply care about you. Sure the thought of hurting you as much as you hurt me has crossed my mind, but it’s not my style to deliberately continue hurting you when your defenses are down. Plus I care that your children have a mother who is strong minded and handling her business. Trying to work things out will take a toll on your immune system, work, family, friendships, etc. and right now this isn’t what you (we) need.

 

I could go on and on about things but I’m sure you get the gist of it all. So with everything being said, right now the best thing for us is to take some time away from each other. I’m not saying 2-3 months, I’m thinking 1 week. During the next 7 days we shouldn’t call each other, we shouldn’t text each other, basically we shouldn’t have *any* form of communication. Does this mean if we’re injured or have an emergency we shouldn’t call each other? No, absolutely not. In fact we should be the first person to get a phone call. But what it doesn’t mean is that if we’re missing each “sooo much” that even a simple “I miss you” text shouldn’t be the case.

 

What will this time away from you mean to me? I need to really see how my mind and heart react to the distance. Will the good things between us overshadow the bad things? Or will the bad things simply swallow up the good? I’m not sure at this point. Like I said though, I love you enough to care to find out. What do I think the time will mean to you? Hopefully you’ll have time to really reflect on your actions and do some soul searching. I know you said you won’t see Mr. Cheater or ask for his help, but you need to figure out *why* you’ve decided that. Is it because of me? Or is it because you truly believe it’s time to have him out of your life? Or do you not care and he’ll be back within 48 hours? Whatever you decide is your decision. What happens next Thursday? I’m not sure. Perhaps we go running back to each other and the time apart made us realize things we didn’t know before. Perhaps a week isn’t enough and we’ll need an additional week. Or perhaps time will make us realize an absolution will never come.

 

Schweetheart420, they say behind every good man is a better woman. I felt this was true about you. In fact, and I’ve told you this before (taken from the movie “Beautiful Mind”) … John Nash is accepting his noble prize and while addressing the audience he looks as his life long partner/wife and says … “I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am... you are all my reasons”. I only wish you felt what I was trying to tell you a little sooner in *our* equation. 143

[Baby]

wow the boyfriend speak:eek: see how nice he is, he even is helping you in yr thread. Dont let a good man go. just follow what he has ask u to do now. Boyfriend, you take charge now:p

[Schweetheart420]

To anyone following the saga ... our 7 day break lasted about 7 hours. He called me last night drunk and came over. We have been talking all night and all today .... I love him .... we'll work it out.

 

I won't let my good man go, I see how nice he is. He is amazing.

[Guest]

But the thing is I really love him. I love him more than I care to be selfish. I look at him and I see how much I have hurt him and I want to tell him to leave me. To run away from me as fast as he can, head for the hills, he is better than me and deserves so much more than I have given him. He needs someone who will never use him the way i did or ever take him for granted. I want to shut him out so he is forced to find someone better. I want to just let him go so he can not hurt and go find happiness. I want him happy and I want to miss him and hurt the way I have hurt him.

[The Breakfast friend]

It is interesting to see this situation from the outside and not being able to really say what it is you think because I do like both of you and dont want to hurt either one.

up into the heavens and stay there for ever and that will be ok.

 

I know that you guys are trying really hard to work something out of this

You must understand that you guys need to take the 7 days a part in order for you to be able to get out of the love bubble that you are both in and take a look at the bubble from the out side. Maybe you will see the bubble empty and you will have the need to fill up that bubble with love again. Or you might see that the bubble will fly empty into the air and go love, and I want you guys to be able to have that love that you deserve.

 

I also know that we are contantly learning and it is important for us to have gone though several relationships before we can really have one that will work out for us. However, the only way we can find one that will work out, is if we apply what we have learned to the next relationship. Schweetheart420. You said that when you first meet someone, and they ask you have you ever questions, and that you dont always have to tell them exactly what happened because its the past .....well its only the past if you learned from it and you dont do (the things you dont want to tell) it again. I think that what you need to do to be a better woman to a man...is to learn from this time and not do that to anyone else ever. If you can do it, you have learned, if you find yourself back at this drama with another man, then you need serious help.

 

The boyfriend. You need to disapear for a while. You have been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, and trashed. On the other hand you did it to youself so dont blame 420 for it. All you are right now is dirty water in a bucket, and what you are trying to do is clean up with dirty water. Go Home. Wash up. Clean up. She has turned your pure clean water into mud. Go back to your Moms home, where you purify youself again.

 

Well, I might be completly wrong! Dont be mad at me, Im not perfect.

[The Breakfast friend]

It is interesting to see this situation from the outside and not being able to really say what it is you think because I do like both of you and dont want to hurt either one.

 

You must understand that you guys need to take the 7 days a part in order for you to be able to get out of the love bubble that you are both in and take a look at the bubble from the out side. Maybe you will see the bubble empty and you will have the need to fill up that bubble with love again. Or you might see that the bubble will fly empty into the air and go up into the heavens and stay there for ever and that will be ok.

 

I know that you guys are trying really hard to work something out of this love, and I want you guys to be able to have that love that you deserve.

 

I also know that we are contantly learning and it is important for us to have gone though several relationships before we can really have one that will work out for us. However, the only way we can find one that will work out, is if we apply what we have learned to the next relationship. Schweetheart420. You said that when you first meet someone, and they ask you have you ever questions, and that you dont always have to tell them exactly what happened because its the past .....well its only the past if you learned from it and you dont do (the things you dont want to tell) it again. I think that what you need to do to be a better woman to a man...is to learn from this time and not do that to anyone else ever. If you can do it, you have learned, if you find yourself back at this drama with another man, then you need serious help.

 

The boyfriend. You need to disapear for a while. You have been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, and trashed. On the other hand you did it to youself so dont blame 420 for it. All you are right now is dirty water in a bucket, and what you are trying to do is clean up with dirty water. Go Home. Wash up. Clean up. She has turned your pure clean water into mud. Go back to your Moms home, where you purify youself again.

 

Well, I might be wrong, so you decide. I am not perfect, and I have problems too.

[The Breakfast friend]

It is interesting to see this situation from the outside and not being able to really say what it is you think because I do like both of you and dont want to hurt either one.

 

You must understand that you guys need to take the 7 days a part in order for you to be able to get out of the love bubble that you are both in and take a look at the bubble from the out side. Maybe you will see the bubble empty and you will have the need to fill up that bubble with love again. Or you might see that the bubble will fly empty into the air and go up into the heavens and stay there for ever and that will be ok.

 

I know that you guys are trying really hard to work something out of this love, and I want you guys to be able to have that love that you deserve.

 

I also know that we are contantly learning and it is important for us to have gone though several relationships before we can really have one that will work out for us. However, the only way we can find one that will work out, is if we apply what we have learned to the next relationship. Schweetheart420. You said that when you first meet someone, and they ask you have you ever questions, and that you dont always have to tell them exactly what happened because its the past .....well its only the past if you learned from it and you dont do (the things you dont want to tell) it again. I think that what you need to do to be a better woman to a man...is to learn from this time and not do that to anyone else ever. If you can do it, you have learned, if you find yourself back at this drama with another man, then you need serious help.

 

The boyfriend. You need to disapear for a while. You have been lied to, cheated on, disrespected, and trashed. On the other hand you did it to youself so dont blame 420 for it. All you are right now is dirty water in a bucket, and what you are trying to do is clean up with dirty water. Go Home. Wash up. Clean up. She has turned your pure clean water into mud. Go back to your Moms home, where you purify youself again.

 

Well, I might be wrong, so you guys decide. Im not perfect, and I have problems of my own.