Project for the week: Insecure People in Healthy Relationships

[kitten chick]

The project that I have been given this week is to collect information in finding insecure people that are in healthy relationships. Insecure can be anything from trust issues to fear of rejection to fear of abandonment...etc. Almost everyone I know in real life doesn't have any security issues so I'm on LS looking for evidence that you can have issues and still be in a healthy relationship. Yes, I see the irony of coming to a relationship help site to look for healthy relationships but I know you're out there, someone. Post whatever story you have

[kitten chick]

Nothing? There has to be somebody on here in a good relationship

[phyrespryte]

I suppose by healthy relationships you mean dating?

 

I'm not dating anyone right now. But I do have friends that I think I have good healthy relationships with. I also have trust issues and fears of rejection. Like at first I'm afraid they won't like the "real" me when they gets to know me better.

 

I've found that when developing relationships with them...at first little things they do would hurt me. Like not returning a call that day or sarcastic jokes that I didn't understand right away. But the longer I've been friends with them...I guess I learned not to take things so personally?

 

Anyways that probably wasn't what you were looking for so.... BUMP.

[a4a]

I think you need to define "healthy relationship".

 

No A's, no addictions, no cheating, no .............. ???

 

 

Happy what percentage of time? ??

[Woggle]

I have loads of issues and I am in a happy and healthy relationship so it can be done.

[Art_Critic]

Almost everyone I know in real life doesn't have any security issues so I'm on LS looking for evidence that you can have issues and still be in a healthy relationship.

 

I'll bet anything that the people you know are just feeling insecure about telling you about their insecurity.

 

I think everyone can have insecurities about something and be in a healthy relationship

[alphamale]

Almost everyone I know in real life doesn't have any security issues

then you don't know them very well KC....almost everyone has security issues of some type. to varying degrees, of course.

[KittenMoon]

Nobody is 100% healthy and confident. But plenty of people are in good relationships. So maybe its about finding a match where your issues are not detrimental to the relationship itself?

[Walk]

What's a healthy relationship?

 

Are they saying it's possible to have a major insecurity within a healthy relationship?

 

If someone is insecure about their bf/gf cheating on them, or abandoning them, then they're going to find something to "prove" they are correct in feeling this way. And are probably going ot defend this believe with everything they have. If they don't find reason to validate this feeling, then it would prove they are flawed. And no one wants to believe they're screwed up. They want to believe they're right.

 

If I'm insecure and think I'm worthless, or less then stellar, and my bf comes to me with a problem he's having... I'm likely to turn it into an argument about how he's calling me worthless. I get defensive, and angry, and what could've been a calm discussion, turns into a heated argument.

 

I guess it would depend on what is classified as a "healthy relationship"?

[kitten chick]

How do you define a healthy relationship? That's a good question. Every relationship has their problems of course but I guess I'm thinking of no cheating, no addictions, no codependency, no abuse, no mental disorders...etc. A good, healthy relationship. Nobody is happy 100% of the time of course.

[littlekitty]

Both my SO and myself have some jealousy/insecurity issues. For the main part they are infrequent and old issues (read previous relationships) which are mostly put to bed. But they do crop up from time to time. Our relationship is very healthy and communication is very open. We've discussed this and agreed that when we have some insecurity, we can discuss it openly and without ridicule with each other. The other partner will listen and provide reassurance.

 

It's only happened perhaps twice, over really silly things, but things that harped back to a previous experience for both of us.

[Pyro]

Will this help your study?

 

I love my GF and I trust her but I always keep the awareness in the back of my mind that I could be cheated on at any point in time.

[kitten chick]

I realize that everyone has some kind of insecurity to some degree, especially as I'm using the word insecurity to capture a wide range of issues. I think it's fairly easy to tell the difference between people who have some small insecurities and those who have insecurity issues. So I'm sure the people in my life have some insecurities, everyone has issues, but they're not obvious or overwhelming in their personalities or relationships.

[littlekitty]

Both my SO and myself have some jealousy/insecurity issues. For the main part they are infrequent and old issues (read previous relationships) which are mostly put to bed. But they do crop up from time to time. Our relationship is very healthy and communication is very open. We've discussed this and agreed that when we have some insecurity, we can discuss it openly and without ridicule with each other. The other partner will listen and provide reassurance.

 

It's only happened perhaps twice, over really silly things, but things that harped back to a previous experience for both of us.

 

I should also say that I think where a major insecurity exists for one partner, a healthy relationship is going to be very, very hard to form.

 

A controlable and occassional insecurity, like we all have, is far easier to deal with.

[KittenMoon]

Sometimes you can be insecure about something, but it doesn't matter because of the person you are with. I am pretty insecure about my body, but with the ex I knew from the beginning the flaws didn't matter to him, so I never really felt that way around him. His personality offset my fears, so within the relationship they didn't mean much.

[Pyro]

I should also say that I think where a major insecurity exists for one partner, a healthy relationship is going to be very, very hard to form.

 

A controlable and occassional insecurity, like we all have, is far easier to deal with.

 

I agree. As long as the insecurity(s) does not get out of hand and start to be a part of your thoughts/worries on a regular basis, then the relationship should be fine.

[Art_Critic]

I was in a 4 year relationship when I was in my 20's and the girl I was with would not have sex with the lights on and I was not allowed to see her naked..

 

All because of her insecurity of what she felt about her body.. she was embarrassed about how her body looked or how I would perceive her to look.

 

I also was not allowed to watch/see her get dressed in the bathroom

[kitten chick]

I should also say that I think where a major insecurity exists for one partner, a healthy relationship is going to be very, very hard to form.

I suppose this is what I'm trying to collect evidence for.

[alphamale]

I realize that everyone has some kind of insecurity to some degree, especially as I'm using the word insecurity to capture a wide range of issues..

KC, you may need to revise your methodology for your "study"

[a4a]

Will this help your study?

 

I love my GF and I trust her but I always keep the awareness in the back of my mind that I could be cheated on at any point in time.

 

I think that is quite normal if you have had previous experience with being cheated on in some way in your life.

 

Now if you are sniffing your gf's panties to check for sex smells, tapping her phone, and secretly following her....... that is being paranoid not insecure

 

So I guess by the definition of this threads "healthy relationship" mine is outstandingly healthy....... yet past experiences with other people make me insecure in some areas. Probably a 1 on a scale of 1-10 if rating for insecurity level.

Or .05

[alphamale]

I was in a 4 year relationship when I was in my 20's and the girl I was with would not have sex with the lights on and I was not allowed to see her naked..

 

I also was not allowed to watch/see her get dressed in the bathroom

are you sure that "she" was not a "he"?!?! ah aaha HA hah ahaHH AHah Aha ha hahahAh HAH Ah AAH AH A Haa

[Art_Critic]

Now if you are sniffing your gf's panties

 

 

When did sniffing panties become a paranoid act ?

[Pyro]

I think that is quite normal if you have had previous experience with being cheated on in some way in your life.

 

Now if you are sniffing your gf's panties to check for sex smells, tapping her phone, and secretly following her....... that is being paranoid not insecure

 

So I guess by the definition of this threads "healthy relationship" mine is outstandingly healthy....... yet past experiences with other people make me insecure in some areas. Probably a 1 on a scale of 1-10 if rating for insecurity level.

Or .05

 

Yes I have been cheated on in the past, so that insecurity will always follow me around, but I am glad to hear that someone else calls it normal.

 

Is there something wrong with panty sniffing? I do it for the pleasure, it has nothing to do with trust.

[kitten chick]

Normally I don't care about off topic stuff but this is my homework so if you can post relevant information here I would be much obliged. (ALPHAMALE)

 

I'm trying to go back and respond to everyone, the thread's moving a little fast. Thanks for your posts.

[kitten chick]

good lord woman, you're way too smart for your own good

 

If someone is insecure about their bf/gf cheating on them, or abandoning them, then they're going to find something to "prove" they are correct in feeling this way. And are probably going to defend this belief with everything they have. If they don't find reason to validate this feeling, then it would prove they are flawed. And no one wants to believe they're screwed up. They want to believe they're right.

 

If I'm insecure and think I'm worthless, or less then stellar, and my bf comes to me with a problem he's having... I'm likely to turn it into an argument about how he's calling me worthless. I get defensive, and angry, and what could've been a calm discussion, turns into a heated argument.

 

I believe that you are right. I have been taught that when we have a core belief about ourselves we subconsciously collect evidence to support our beliefs. For example, if you think that your bf/gf is cheating on you or will abandon you, you will take notice of other relationships where these things happen. Someone who does this will block out all of the relationships where this does not happen because they do not correspond with their personal beliefs. As such they are looking to validate their feelings and beliefs. Again in the example that you used with your boyfriend "calling you worthless", that's not what he said but you are looking for evidence to support the fact that you think that you are worthless. It is validated because you hear him calling you worthless, even if those were not his words.