Project for the week: Insecure People in Healthy Relationships

[alphamale]

Normally I don't care about off topic stuff but this is my homework so if you can post relevant information here I would be much obliged. (ALPHAMALE)

sorry KC...I will try to behave.

[luvtoto]

My gosh, I am doing about everything wrong with my new guy. Yes, he called last night and we got along great once again. No matter what insecurities I am having at the time, he just wipes them away when I talk to him.

 

I'm showing my insecurities to him left and right, one minute I want to be in the relationship...next, I get scared focus on the negative and want to run. I can't seem to trust the fact that he *really* wants to be with me! I keep expecting him to get turned off. I'm testing the hell out of him, because of my trust issues.

 

But, he keeps hanging on and seems to be liking me more. So, needless to say, all my insecurities are not yet affecting our relationship...but, just give it some time.

 

I guess, imo, most everybody has insecurities. But, not allowing them to affect a relationship is my definition of a healthy relationship. No matter what the problem, things will always work out with good communication.

[Pyro]

I guess, imo, most everybody has insecurities. But, not allowing them to affect a relationship is my definition of a healthy relationship. No matter what the problem, things will always work out with good communication.

 

Lots of problems would be solved if everyone were willing to follow the above statement.

[alphamale]

Lots of problems would be solved if everyone were willing to follow the above statement.

most people are willing...but are they able?

[luvtoto]

most people are willing...but are they able?

I completely understand your statement, Alpha.

[catgirl1927]

I think that to say that someone who has any issues at all, from deep seated insecurities about something to being cautious because they've been hurt before, cannot be in a healthy relationship is just ridiculous.

 

I have tons of issues. My relationship is fine. I work all my crap out with my friends and online and try to take the best home with me to him.

[brightskies]

The project that I have been given this week is to collect information in finding insecure people that are in healthy relationships. Insecure can be anything from trust issues to fear of rejection to fear of abandonment ... etc. Almost everyone I know in real life doesn't have any security issues so I'm on LS looking for evidence that you can have issues and still be in a healthy relationship. Yes, I see the irony of coming to a relationship help site to look for healthy relationships but I know you're out there, someone. Post whatever story you have

 

 

My current relationship is pretty healthy. Communication is open, etc. But because of past experience, I'm still wary. It's like in the back of my head, I steel myself and have an escape plan if something ever comes up. We got into an argument last night and I started having these distancing thoughts, e.g., maybe I shouldn't talk with him or see him for awhile, etc. I'm still trying to work out a balance between trust/optimistic suspension of disbelief vs. self-preservation --- if there's such a thing.

[alphamale]

The project that I have been given this week is to collect information in finding insecure people that are in healthy relationships.

People who have "better" relationships (whatever that means) tend to be smarter, more intelligent and better educated. They don't just go on emotions alone, they can be more objective because of their intelligence. These same people are better able to deal with others and their own falacies. I'm not saying its always the case but there is strong co-relation.

[luvtoto]

I have tons of issues. My relationship is fine. I work all my crap out with my friends and online and try to take the best home with me to him.

catgirl, that's been my approach, too. Seems to work.

[kitten chick]

Sorry, they were making me do work. Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm trying to find relationships like catgirl's and luvtoto's to try to prove exactly what catgirl was saying, that "someone who has any issues at all, from deep seated insecurities about something to being cautious because they've been hurt before, can be in a healthy relationship".

 

I'm still trying to work out a balance between trust/optimistic suspension of disbelief vs. self-preservation --- if there's such a thing.

That's an interesting statement and something that I personally struggle with as well and have a tendency to be more conservative and lean towards self-preservation. I'm not sure if there's any connection to insecurity in relationships, there might be, but it's an interesting topic none the less.

 

People who have "better" relationships (whatever that means) tend to be smarter, more intelligent and better educated. They don't just go on emotions alone, they can be more objective because of their intelligence. These same people are better able to deal with others and their own falacies. I'm not saying its always the case but there is strong co-relation.

This is an interesting statment because I always thought the exact opposite. I feel that there is a direct correlation between intelligence and complexity and the less complex the person, the less complex the relationship. I attributed this to being one of a number of reasons that highly successful people marry later in life. However worry is the root of all insecurities and anxiety is a thinker's disease.

[Alexandra]

A few things.... first and I'm not saying this in any bashing manner please don't assume the worse, I had a hard last few days on LS and NO!!! I am not a sick individual!!! What was I saying? Ah yes... Alphamale may have had a point do you have very clear definitions of "insecurity" and "healthy" as well as other parameters such as "length of relationshion", IQ, EQ, personality types... Just a thought but I'd see all those needed for the study to have value. Besides, I'm unaware of the purpose or the audience of your study but will forum-collected data be usable?

 

Second I think that if you look into this topic you may want to explore a more contrived one, the issue of vulnerability more to the point whether or not, when and under what conditions are we willing and able to express those insecurities to our partners.

 

Last but not least with having recently destroyed nearly every file in my computer in the search of an imaginary virus (don't anybody laugh) I'm shamefully missing big parts of my archive but I've found an older one and there's an interesting chapter on security at http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/XP267.html if the link still works.

[alphamale]

This is an interesting statment because I always thought the exact opposite. I feel that there is a direct correlation between intelligence and complexity and the less complex the person, the less complex the relationship.

Ahh KC...but you are forgetting the fact that most relationships are inherently complex organisms. Ergo, the more intelligent someone is the better they'll be able to navigate those complexities successfully. And by "intelligent", I mean well-rounded, not just book-smart.

[Pyro]

most people are willing...but are they able?

 

If some would stop being so stubborn and believe in an eye for an eye in terms of relationships.

[kitten chick]

If some would stop being so stubborn and believe in an eye for an eye in terms of relationships.

I would say it's not a question of willingness. Insecurities are by definition irrational beliefs and fears and willingess is a rational process. Ability is an inherent process.

 

Ahh KC...but you are forgetting the fact that most relationships are inherently complex organisms. Ergo, the more intelligent someone is the better they'll be able to navigate those complexities successfully. And by "intelligent", I mean well-rounded, not just book-smart.

Yes, relationships are inherently complex, I will agree with you there. However, and this is dependent on what you mean by well-rounded, intellectuals tend to have more thought based, and as such irrational, issues than non-intellects. Thus the non-intellects will have tangible problems with tangible solutions, ie. money, jobs, families. Thought based problems, IMO, are more difficult to address and solve.

 

Alexandra, thanks for the article.

[alphamale]

However, and this is dependent on what you mean by well-rounded, intellectuals tend to have more thought based, and as such irrational, issues than non-intellects. Thus the non-intellects will have tangible problems with tangible solutions, ie. money, jobs, families.

I have no idea WTF you are talking about here KC

 

Thought based problems, IMO, are more difficult to address and solve.

Everything is thought-based....

[Mary3]

What's a healthy relationship?

 

Are they saying it's possible to have a major insecurity within a healthy relationship?

 

If someone is insecure about their bf/gf cheating on them, or abandoning them, then they're going to find something to "prove" they are correct in feeling this way. And are probably going ot defend this believe with everything they have. If they don't find reason to validate this feeling, then it would prove they are flawed. And no one wants to believe they're screwed up. They want to believe they're right.

 

If I'm insecure and think I'm worthless, or less then stellar, and my bf comes to me with a problem he's having... I'm likely to turn it into an argument about how he's calling me worthless. I get defensive, and angry, and what could've been a calm discussion, turns into a heated argument.

 

I guess it would depend on what is classified as a "healthy relationship"?

 

I think an * unhealthy * relationship is one that is defined as not being good for you . Almost toxic. Where there is no respect. Where there is abuse. Where there is no love only caustic words being spewed.

 

By the same token a * healthy * relationship is where you are nutured , loved and cared about. Where there is equal balance and you are both very happy together. You have your good and your bad days .

[Mary3]

Will this help your study?

 

I love my GF and I trust her but I always keep the awareness in the back of my mind that I could be cheated on at any point in time.

 

I once heard a psychologist say : " Never trust anyone completely "

 

That went against my nature of what I always believed and always trusted someone .

 

But I think I hear what he is saying : Not 100% completely because if that person leaves you and takes your heart with them , and you trusted that they would always be there for you, then you still have part of yourself remaining because you never allowed 100% of your trust to be given to someone who might be fickle and leave you for someone else.

[Mary3]

People who have "better" relationships (whatever that means) tend to be smarter, more intelligent and better educated. They don't just go on emotions alone, they can be more objective because of their intelligence. These same people are better able to deal with others and their own falacies. I'm not saying its always the case but there is strong co-relation.

 

Alpha with your intelligence I bet you are a great boyfriend

[Pyro]

I once heard a psychologist say : " Never trust anyone completely "

 

That went against my nature of what I always believed and always trusted someone .

 

But I think I hear what he is saying : Not 100% completely because if that person leaves you and takes your heart with them , and you trusted that they would always be there for you, then you still have part of yourself remaining because you never allowed 100% of your trust to be given to someone who might be fickle and leave you for someone else.

 

I do trust her and I do not show my insecurities, I just keep them on reserve. Anyone has the power to cheat, so I won't pass up the thought, but no need to let it take a hold of my life and cause stress.

[luvtoto]

I once heard a psychologist say : " Never trust anyone completely "

I don't know if I'll ever trust completely again.

 

The one time I was ever cheated on was when I thought I was in a healthy relationship.

 

His affair freakin' blind-sided me. I'll never forget the phone call from *her* husband telling me about their affair.

 

My X and I had just got engaged, also.

 

But, yet, he was cheating on me for 6 months prior to him asking me. I was so niave, that I didn't see the signs. NOW I do!

 

After something like that happens, you can't go back to trusting completely.

[alphamale]

Alpha with your intelligence I bet you are a great boyfriend

well MARY3...heh heh, i guess i cannot deny that