How do you convince her she's being abused?

[JustG]

I have a friend that is being very abused emotionaly. (See my other post a week or two ago.) She has some serious self-esteem and other issues that I believe make her very susceptible and other things from her childhood that draw her toward men that treat her like this.

 

The problem I find is that it's extremely difficult to make her realize that the way she's being treated is not right and not OK. I think she doesn't know there's a better way out there and feels like it's the norm or what she deserves.

 

Just about everyone in her life - friends, family - are extremely concerned about her safety and well-being. Most of us feel with a strong degree of certainty that it's only a matter of time before the emotional abuse turns physical.

 

There are times she knows the things he does are wrong but the piles of bad things seem to be easily overshadowed by one simple sweet act or by him buying her something nice. (Cycle of abuse, anyone?) She'll call me crying, swearing that it was the last straw and that it's over and then the next day he calls and promises change and she's right back with him.

 

It seems like every time I try to talk to her to convince her that she's being abused and needs to get away it turns more confrontational than helpful. I often feel like I'm talking down or degrading her and almost like I end up turning the blame to her for puting up with it....which is obviously the last thing she needs. It just seems to be the way it always ends up.

 

So the question is, how do you convince them they're in trouble without being too "mean" or belittling them. I'm currently puting together a collection of literature on the subject that I hope I can convince her to read over seriously but I'm looking for other ideas as well.

[Solachica]

You can't convince someone of something if they aren't willing to admit it to themselves.

[Guest]

I was raped when I was 17, i'm now 22 and I havent been in a relationship since. The man who did it is now in prison on a life sentance, but that was due to a hit and run, I know its not my fault but i always felt guilty for not reporting him as he may have been in jail and not have been able to kill anyone. I didnt believe it was rape for a about a year after I thought I just led him on and it was the way it was going to be, it wasnt even violent, so i just didnt believe it was rape. I had been at a party and getting on ok, but when he tried to take it further I said no, and went to bed, I was very drunk and woke up to him just having sex with me, it was horrible i just felt dirty and used. Five years on and each time i go to sleep with a man I just freeze up and show no emotion towards them, so no relationship has ever got any further than that. I fear most men, I hate it when they talk to me, I have a few male friends but i even start to get suspicious about them. My mum got married about four years ago and I still dont trust her husband on my own, which I hate myself for. Only a couple of my closest friends know what has happened to me. I have recently decided to go and get some support for this, because i want nothing more than a kind trusting relationship with someone, and I hate feeling this low all the time. I told my GP who has refered me to a counceler, but its been two weeks and I havent heard anything from them, which is so frustrating. Its taken me so long to admit that I need help, but it just seems so hard to get. A week after I went to see my doctor, my best friend came back from a holiday, and she had been raped while she had been away, im trying to help and support her, but I cant feel like im any help as im so screwed up about what happened to me, i fear that I will just make her feel like I do, which I would hate. The worst thing about it is that I have three friends that this has happened to, all of which we rarley talk about it and non of us reported it, all four of our situations were very different all spread over the past five years. Why is this such a common issue? how can I trust men when this happens all the time? How do I get the guts to let a man into my life? I recently had a thing with one of my mates, he was lovely, i had liked him for such a long time, and trusted him, but when it came to us having sex I just lay there, and now he thinks he did something wrong and i havent seen him since. I cant tell him why im like this, he wouldnt want to go near me if he knew. I hate the way I feel about it all, ive always managed to get over things myself, even when my Dad died i came to terms with it eventually without anyone helping me, but this! its been five years but its still affecting me so badly. I wish I had a magic wand!!!

[JustG]

Sad to say this girl was also raped at a fairly young age and then several years later an extremely controling boyfriend forced her in to having an abortion.

 

Like I said, she has some serious issues. I know she's close to realizing how much help she really needs but the denial still kicks in at the last minute. She was even seeing a psychiatrist for a few months but still was not telling her all the details of her past (rape, abortion). Sadly the abusing boyfriend has talked her out of seeing the therapist any more.

[Guest]

well..... i met my boyfriend when i was 15. i had a relatively unstable home life and suppose i felt some sort of security in the arms of some one a little older (he was 21 at the time). i moved in with him and now six years later.... when i look back at what i have had to deal with and the time i have wasted waiting for him to love me ... i get so angry. the abuse didnt start right away.... but i know it was the abortion that sparked it. he stuck with me and even went with me to the hospital (which is more than can be expected from most guyes and this has been one of my main reasons for sticking it out for so long) and he was really supportive.... then it all changed... suddenly his friends became more important. over the years it has gone from friends, to work, to drugs, to cars to bikes being more important.... when i try to speak to him he tells me i am being childish and i should be greatful for all he has done for me. i am trying to leave him, but i am so terrified of the guilt i feel. i am just not coping in the relationship...... he works until 4 in the morning and i never see him, but god forbid if i am not waiting on the couch for him when he does finally decide to come home. I became a housewife at 15 and that just doesn't sound right in my head. i have to work to pay for groceries and electricity etc but i am also expected to do all the housework. i have been trying to study to empower myself, but studying, working and housework is too much. atleast i finnished school through correspondence and i have a car. but there is so much i need to do with my life that he is standing in the way of..... i have been with him for so long, i just cant come to grips with not being with him. i am absolutely terrified of doing this.......

[Outcast]

Guest, you should start your own thread. It gets confusing dealing with two people's issues in the same one.

 

JustG, you could always arm yourself with the literature from sites or books that describe the symptoms of abuse and then hold an 'intervention'. If that many people know about it and are concerned about her, perhaps a concerted effort might work.

[Angel291]

That is a hard one. I know that I was in an abusive relationship that started out as verbal/emotional abuse and turned physical and it was extremely hard to get out of. Your friend is lucky to have you there because I do not think people ever really believed me when I told them what was happening.

 

I do not know about every situation, but I do know that what got me out was when I got to the point that I was so petrified of this person that I became physically ill over it and just could not bring myself to see them. I moved far away to seperate myself from him, but it still was hard and a year later I am still often tempted to call him. Some part of me though felt I deserved better, and I would look at the type of people who stayed in situations like that and they looked so hardened, messed up, and their lives were just so miserable that I had to make up my mind that would not happen to me.

 

Build your friend up would be my advice. Stay positive with her and help her to see how much she deserves better. Point out all of the things you love about her that are good and do it a lot. Make her FEEL better about herself. Take her to one of those shelters for abused women and ask her if she wants to end up in one. Show her what her life could end up being if she lets herself get beat down, and show her what her life could be like if she builds herself up. Your friends foundation is in shambles and she needs someone to help her feel good about herself again. You cant do all the work of course, but the more you build her up in any way you can then maybe she will start to feel better and better and some day she will stop taking the abuse. Let her know how much you value her just for being her, she needs to know she is ok as she is.