Is he cheating? And with a man or a woman?

[karenina21]

Here's the situation...

 

I have been with the same guy for over five years. Most of the time we have gotten along but there have been commitment issues on his part. He wavers between saying he wants to marry me "someday," to saying he doesn't want to get married at all.

 

We just moved in together two weeks ago. During that time he has been very moody, short with me, telling me not to call him at work, going into snits about the mildest question and accusing me of being a nag.

 

For the last few months the sex increased, he's usually somewhat apathetic about it, we both would be working, etc. and have sex a couple times per week, it worked for us. All of a sudden he was horny 24/7, was asking constantly how did I like this or that, and/or trying or wanting to try things we hadn't done before (ass play, 69).

 

I have also noticed for the past several months a wierd pattern emerging. He plays the bass guitar and goes for "lessons" every week. I put the word in quotes because here's what I find strange: I ask how the lesson goes, if he's learning anything, and he smirks and says "We did some stuff out of the book and s***" or some similar vague comment. I never see a lesson written out in the books he carries. He also rarely practices, or if he plays anything, it's snippets of the same songs over and over. If he's been supposedly taking lessons for three years, shouldn't he be better than that?

 

Here's more to that story. The "lesson" takes place at 9 at night, and he NEVER misses it. He at times has placed more emphasis on making that on time than being on time for me. He also follows his teacher to almost all of his gigs, helping him set up (I've been to a few shows). Strangely when we go to these shows none of his other students are there, (he claims the rest of them are old ladies and a kid)and he doesn't want to dance with me when I'm there. Yet he knows this teacher and his life, he'll tell me about what's new with his teacher if I ask.

 

Finally, correlating to this rather bizarre behavior, I have noticed raw marks on both of his elbows for some time now. How would he have these marks unless he had his elbows in such a position for awhile as to make the marks? He is a network engineer and always moving around. I can't imagine that he is so stationary at work as to get sores on his elbows.

 

Last week, I noticed what looked like scratches on his back after a shower. He said it was from sitting in a chair all day.

 

Finally--he's been leaving for work earlier and coming home later and later.

 

But the most confusing thing is that I can almost always reach him. Many times he'll say he can't talk but he calls me back. Most of the time he still says "I love you" at the end of the call. But lately when we're out he looks at the TV and not at me, he walks ahead of me when he used to walk with me and hold my hand, he sometimes forgets to open my car door when he always used to open doors for me, etc.

 

What is going on here? Thanks for the input...

[SoleMate]

I agree that you have a pile of circumstantial evidence that appears to add up to...SOMETHING. I always find it troubling whenever one's SO does not want to be seen in one's company. To my mind, that's a clear indication of illicit intent.

 

Have you tried simply asking him? If he can't give highly satisfactory answers, it's time to reconsider the relationship.

[karenina21]

And he gives a vague answer if I accuse him of having a strange relationship with this guy or being a groupie. He will usually tell me there's something wrong with me, I'm insecure, I need help, etc.

 

If I comment on getting no commitment and say I can leave, he says why don't you do that.

 

Yet other times he's lovey-dovey to the point where it's sappy.

 

I'm so confused.

[SoleMate]

Question: Why do you want commitment from this man? So you can have lots of smelly furniture and sitting alone while he is taking unexplained nights out, in your future?

[karenina21]

I really don't know. Things weren't always like this.

[karenina21]

I tried to ask him last night about a few things. Last week he said the sores were from being in the same position for long lengths of time while testing computer equipment. Last night he said it was the way he drives since he is driving 3 hours a day every day lately.

 

Well, he's used to driving 6 hours straight when he drives home to see his folks, has done that for years, and I never saw the sores before a few months ago.

 

Then he accused me of picking a fight over something stupid.

[Fun2BMe]

To me it sounds like he is having sex with his male instructor. I used to have a boyfriend who had to go to his drum lessons Sunday mornings. I later found out he was meeting up with another girl for brunch and more and it had gone on for over a year.

 

Like you, I would wonder why he would play the same things again and again. Once he was running late and was all stressed out. I told him to call the instructor to tell him he'd either be late or miss the lesson. He made all kinds of excuses and finally said the instructor had no phone to be reached at.

 

Make sure you get tested for STDs. Who knows if the instructor has HIV or if they are using condoms. By living together, I think he is finding it more difficult to get away with this secret second lifestyle he has. He might be using you as a coverup to appear straight instead of bi or gay. This is very common. It doesn't sound like he has made enough effort to convince you that you are wrong of your suspicions. Instead he says you are crazy.

 

He is completely lying to you and it seems like your instincts are right that he is cheating, for all you know maybe with more than one person. At least that's what it sounds like to me. And his overly sappiness seems like a front to cover his tracks and make up for his bad behavior and it is working as you are holding onto those moments.

[karenina21]

This week he is acting normal. We talked a few days ago and he just said that he is stressed out about living together and also he feels more pressure to work overtime since the work staff has been shortened (people have left for other positions) and also I was laid off from my job just before we moved in. He says he feels pressure to make sure we have enough money.

 

 

I don't have personal access to his pay stubs so I can't verify if this is true, but I have seen recent pay stubs when he checks them in front of me, and they do verify the overtime.

 

Also, he checks his work email in front of me, and it seems to correlate to the hours he puts in.

 

Finally, I am almost always able to reach him, even during these lessons of his. He usually says "I love you" at the end of every call. If he were cheating, would he answer the call and say that? If I leave him a message, he usually calls me back within five minutes.

 

But, I still think this lesson thing is strange. I don't know what to do.

[Fun2BMe]

Also, he checks his work email in front of me, and it seems to correlate to the hours he puts in.

 

Finally, I am almost always able to reach him, even during these lessons of his. He usually says "I love you" at the end of every call. If he were cheating, would he answer the call and say that? If I leave him a message, he usually calls me back within five minutes.

 

But, I still think this lesson thing is strange. I don't know what to do.

Who checks their work email in front of their gf. Who answers or calls right back in the middle of a lesson and always ends it with I love you? I think he's putting double effort to cover his tracks.

[karenina21]

He frequently works from home with VPN clients and such. As such, I am often there while he answers email and talks with clients. He has never hidden such email from me, nor I him. Why is that so unusual?

 

I have only called during a lesson once. It was an emergency. He came home immediately.

[Guest]

Who checks their work email in front of their gf. Who answers or calls right back in the middle of a lesson and always ends it with I love you? I think he's putting double effort to cover his tracks.

 

I would have to agree with you there!

[SmittenSexyKitten]

He frequently works from home with VPN clients and such. As such, I am often there while he answers email and talks with clients. He has never hidden such email from me, nor I him. Why is that so unusual?

 

I have only called during a lesson once. It was an emergency. He came home immediately.

 

I am confused. Why are you asking our advice and then responding with such denial?

[karenina21]

I am not replying with denial about anything.

 

I don't know if he's doing anything wrong or not.

 

All I'm saying is that I'm confused by some of his behavior.

 

Lately he has been going to work earlier and staying later, but he says that's because he's been working in Boston which is 90 minutes away.

 

I have heard him on the phone with clients and his boss discussing the projects in Boston. He does not try to hide this. His work email, if I've walked into a room and noticed it, seems to attest to his claims on his whereabouts.

 

He often works some from home as well. He has always been open in his dealings. He does not hide his email if I walk into a room. He does not shut me out if he is on the phone. His phone is company issued. He is on call from the company 24/7 should anything go wrong, so he has to answer the phone. Such is the nature of his work.

 

The trickiest part is that I can almost always reach him. If something was going on wouldn't that be harder to do?

 

I know his coworkers. If I mention a project that he says he worked on recently they seem to know about it.

 

But I agree that the thing with the lessons and teacher is weird.

 

I don't know how to confront that issue.

[catgirl1927]

The first thing a guy will say when he's trying to get you to shut the hell up because you're totally right about what you're saying is, "you're just insecure." It's usually followed with, "insecurity is really unattractive."

 

This is very, very fishy. I would tell him you think his relationship with his "teacher" is very odd and is unhealthy for your relationship. You can't really have a relationship with someone who is lying all the time. His snippetty attitude sounds like he really doesn't want to be living together, so I would pack and get out. I would get tested for STDs and tell him when he wants to discuss things like a grownup and not yell and scream and tell you that you're insane for questioning what is some obviously strange behavior, to give you a call, but until then you really think this is an unhealthy place for you.