boyfriend doesn't want to have future kids with me due to an ilness i was born with

[maja]

it's been a while since i've been here for help. The time has come again i'm not even sure if i'm in the right forum for my situation, but please help!!

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are currently looking to buy our first home, so things are pretty strond between us. Tonight we go into a fight as he was pissed to see that my cell phone bill is high again. In the midsts of this argument, he says to me that he has something to tell me and I'm not going to like to hear this. Before I go on with what he had to say, let me just tell you that I was born with a whole in my heart and had it repaired 6 years ago. I'm doing fine, but the doctors told me back then that there is a 10% chance that my future baby can be born with this problem as well. Soooo having said that my boyfriend just flat out loud tells me that he doens't want to have kids me with as he doesn't want his kid to be born sick. When he said this to me, I almost dropped to the floor. He went on to explain that his mother and him had this conversation the other day and that it was her to bring this up to him and that made him think. I never met her yet as she lives in another country which i'm supposed to go to this summer and finally meet her. Anyway, we didn't speak too much after as I was in tears and still am. I'm sure he'll have some story to tell me tomorrow, but for now, what do you all think he is trying to say??? does he want to break up and this is the way to have me leave??? please help!!!

[Fun2BMe]

It might be a way for him to initiate a break up, however since you are in the process of buying a home together, that seems unlikely. I think his mother is forcing him to not have children with you and that would naturally mean to leave you. Most men are not obsessed with the future health of their children based on a non lifethreatening condition there may be a 10% chance of your baby having.

 

That said. Both of my goddaughter's father was born with a hole in his heart, he also had a murmur. I don't know the details, but their mother did not know about this until after they were born. We talked about it for about a week when she first found out, but it has been years and even I had forgotten about it. Both girls are healthy and loved.

 

Almost everyone can trace some sort of ailment. Cancer, heart disease, mental disorder, diabetes and so on in their immediate family with a higher than 10% risk of passing it on. I have a feeling the mother is initiating this tension and causing problems in an otherwise happy relationship you have with your boyfriend. He might have not wanted to bring this issue up but was pressured from his mother and when you upset him, it made it easier to bring up considering he would know it would hurt you and it was his way of retaliating to your high phone bill out of spite.

 

I don't know the details of how everything else has been between the two of you. Yes I do think it could mean a break up but only if you let his mother win the battle. I would speak up and provide some information from your doctor as to the seriousness of your condition and in the slim chance it was passed on what exactly the consequences would be.

[Guest]

It might be a way for him to initiate a break up, however since you are in the process of buying a home together, that seems unlikely. I think his mother is forcing him to not have children with you and that would naturally mean to leave you. Most men are not obsessed with the future health of their children based on a non lifethreatening condition there may be a 10% chance of your baby having.

 

That said. Both of my goddaughter's father was born with a hole in his heart, he also had a murmur. I don't know the details, but their mother did not know about this until after they were born. We talked about it for about a week when she first found out, but it has been years and even I had forgotten about it. Both girls are healthy and loved.

 

Almost everyone can trace some sort of ailment. Cancer, heart disease, mental disorder, diabetes and so on in their immediate family with a higher than 10% risk of passing it on. I have a feeling the mother is initiating this tension and causing problems in an otherwise happy relationship you have with your boyfriend. He might have not wanted to bring this issue up but was pressured from his mother and when you upset him, it made it easier to bring up considering he would know it would hurt you and it was his way of retaliating to your high phone bill out of spite.

 

I don't know the details of how everything else has been between the two of you. Yes I do think it could mean a break up but only if you let his mother win the battle. I would speak up and provide some information from your doctor as to the seriousness of your condition and in the slim chance it was passed on what exactly the consequences would be.

 

hi there, thanks so much for your reply. It just seems so odd that his mother would initiate this as she is so happy and looking forward to meeting me this summer that she already bought me welcome gifts. I don't know at this point, i guess after this sleepless night maybe i'll find out more tomorrow.....good luck to your family!!!

[maja]

hi there, thanks for your reply. it just seems odd to me that his mother would initiate a breakup as she seems to like me a lot. She is so exited that I will be going to her country this summer to meet her that she already bought me welcome gifts. I don't know, i guess after this sleepless night maybe i'll find out some more.....good luck to your family!!!

[Fun2BMe]

I'm curious if this is something new they found out about you. Otherwise it might only be that your boyfriend was trying to upset you on purpose to get back at you for the phone bill. I doubt it is to initiate a break up. If he was going to break up over this he would've used another excuse because it's not that big of a deal in the greater scheme of things.

[Citizen Erased]

Perhaps she just mentioned the chances of it happening to your future children as a way of conversation, and not to be a bitch like most in-laws are . Maybe she mentioned it could happen and it got him thinking. He is a grown man, he doesnt need mommy to think for him. (Presumably anyway!)

[lovelorcet]

Your condition sounds like it was treatable and there is always a risk when having a child most of us are just completely ignorant as to what our risk is with a particular partner.

 

So here is my question. Are you a lesser human or deserve less love due to your condition? The same question would go for your future child as well.

 

If your BF can not accept that then I would do some serious thinking about what kind of person he truly is.

[maja]

thanks guys for your help!!!

I asked him today what was it that initiated him to say something like that and he said that he has been thinking about it for a while. He sad his mother doens't have anything to do with it she just bought it up and got him thinking. He said that he doesn't want to break up at all that he loves me, blah, blah, blah.....I told him that he changed my life forever that I will have to find someone else that would want to have kids with me and he got upset and surprised that I'm bascially breaking up with me saythings like "oh so you care about this more then me you would leave me for this, what if I couldn't have kids, would you leave me too". I really don't know what to say and act at this point. He is acting all lovie dovie huging me telling me that he loves me and I just don't know what to do???!!!

[littlekitty]

Sounds like he made a stupid, immature comment in the heat of the moment. Now he's sorry, but instead of saying that, he's now trying to use guilt to make you stay! How horrible.

 

He's bascially using guilt to make you feel that you are heartless if you don't stay with him because he doesn't want children with you.

 

Would you stay if you found out if he couldn't have children? Who knows! It would depend on a lot wouldn't it! But he is making a bold statement now that he will not have children with you. If he is prepared to make that statement now, then he should be prepared for you to act on that now. Just as you would have to act now if he told he couldn't have children. You'd have to consider it and make up your mind.

 

The difference between not physically being able, and saying he doesn't want to because of a stupid small issue like yours is quite vast.

 

He sounds immature at this point.

[Annacabana]

If you want to have a family then this man is not the one for you then. Two people who want to have a long future together need to be on the same page.

[Art_Critic]

I'm sorry that he feels this way..

 

It sounds like he is just fighting dirty.. if that is the case then you need to have a talk with him about keeping the fighting above the belt.

 

He might've just been fighting to win at all costs..

 

If he was serious then I would consider this a deal breaker and rethink the relationship.. and also not do the house under any circumstances..

 

If he was serious then he has just told you that he doesn't accept you for who you are.. time to kick his ass squarly to the curb.. what an ass

[corwin]

My wife was born with a Ventricular Septal Defect. She had open heart surgery to correct it at the age of 5 and this was in 1964. Medicine has come light years since then.

 

While any problem with the heart can be potentially life threatening, these types of defects are usually very treatable. It's not like you carry the defective gene to pass on harlequin ichthyosis or some other life long dibalitating disease.

 

I think your boyfriend needs to take his head out of his ass and do some actual research. If you want children, I suggest you find someone else that wants them too. Regardless of your minor heart defect and the extremely low odds of passing it on. Just my $.02

[quankanne]

boy, talk about being a jerk, even if it was because he was worried for his future kids.

 

look, honey – no baby is guaranteed to be 100 percent healthy. However, with strides made in the field of medicine, there's no reason that your child would be without the care he or she needed, if it was needed. They're even doing surgery in utero (google "baby Samuel Armas," who had surgery done at 21 weeks gestational age for spina bifida, and is now a healthy little boy, or go to MichaelClancy.com for the photo). So in that respect, there's much hope for families with children facing health crises.

 

does he want to break up with you? Only he can say for sure. However, he sounds a bit like Chicken Little thinking the sky is falling simply because his mother has alerted him to the remote possibility of it! When you talk with him, ask him if he said that out of reaction to what he discussed with his mom, if he honestly believes that there is no hope regarding children with you or if he merely didn't think to edit what came out of his mouth. Then smack him one good upside the head for being such an alarmist.

 

having kids is scary, period, because there are no guarantees, but it doesn't mean that it's impossible!

[tinktronik]

I have a question for the OP .What exactly was your illness ,I know you said a hole in your heart , but that doesn't necessarily mean a murmur . If your b/f is serious about this , I wonder if he's just taking pot shots. However, if he's not , I don't think there's anything wrong with his choice to weigh the risks of a congenital problem. It all in the way you consider , 10% doesn't seem like much but 1 out of 10 does. It also depends on pain for a baby amount of time you would have to wait to get the problem corrected and other health risks associated with it .

[Lennox]

First of all, DON'T BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM YET! He's given you information that will most likely lead to the demise of your relationship IF it's true.

 

Consider this. With one conversation with his mother and he's decided that he shouldn't have children with you? Either he's a liar or he's severely dependant on his mother and does whatever she says. Even from another country, she is exercising control over the most very intimate part of your relationship, the decision to have children. This type of crap only gets worse in time if the guy doesn't put his foot down and tells his parents not to interfere in his relationship. I really don't think this is about the cell phone bill, it would be nice if it was that easy.

 

If his mother is meddling and he is not willing to put a stop to it, drop him like a hot potato. Consider his mom as part of the marriage package if you decide to marry him, because I guarantee you, she'll always be there to meddle in your affairs and cause strife if he lets her.

[tikigods]

you need to have an honest sit down with him now and ask him if he feels this way. If he does, and he doesn't want to have kids, then you need to really figure out if you want kids later on in life or if you are happy having a childfree lifestyle.

 

The important part right now is that you are both honest with eachother about your plans for children, don't make him feel like he has to want kids one day. Since its impportant for both people to be on the same page when it comes to families so that neither one of you in the future feel like you are missing out or get angry.

 

Do this before you buy a house together

[Lennox]

thanks guys for your help!!!

I asked him today what was it that initiated him to say something like that and he said that he has been thinking about it for a while. He sad his mother doens't have anything to do with it she just bought it up and got him thinking. He said that he doesn't want to break up at all that he loves me, blah, blah, blah.....I told him that he changed my life forever that I will have to find someone else that would want to have kids with me and he got upset and surprised that I'm bascially breaking up with me saythings like "oh so you care about this more then me you would leave me for this, what if I couldn't have kids, would you leave me too". I really don't know what to say and act at this point. He is acting all lovie dovie huging me telling me that he loves me and I just don't know what to do???!!!

She brought it up??? How did SHE know about it unless he's been talking to her about it?

 

Sounds like he's already being defensive with his mother's meddling to me. Why should SHE bring it up if she wasn't attempting to meddle and convince him not to have children with you? I smell a couple of rats here.

 

*edit to ask, what country is his family from, and your family from? Do you also have a difference in religious beliefs?

[whichwayisup]

10% chance

 

And a 90% chance all will go well.

 

NOONE can predict how a child will turn out, always healthy 100%. That's an excuse, a way out for him. And a lowblow.

[BeFree]

This sounds just like something my mother would do. I can hear her now. "if you have children with him, your kids may end up with health problems. make sure you consider that." Grrrr. shut up!

 

Mothers are sooooo protective over their children and even more so over their boys. So I am sure he told his mother about your condition and her not wanting any woman to have his little boy, made this comment. And he freaked out.

 

You need to sit down with him and discuss your heart issues in a matter of fact way. Once he knows more facts and he is not in a heated arguement, perhaps he will see the light.

 

In retrospect, perhaps you should tell him that your mother recomends not having children with a mama's boy!

[theantibarbie23]

This pisses me off to no end. He's telling you that you are damaged goods and are not good enough to carry his children. Even if that was how he felt, couldn't he just of said, "I don't ever want kids" in order to spare your feelings? What he said is downright cruel and I honestly believe he it was his intention to hurt you on purpose. Do not get a house with this guy. He does not love you half as much as you think he does. It's time to move on.

[MrDarcy]

I seriously think you are being overly cruel to this guy. First of all he has not had a chance to defend himself, nor tell his side of the story. You're drawing a whole lot of conclusions about him based only on what she has said. She said his mother did not have anything to do with this, and I want to believe that.

 

However, I believe this is only his way of saying that he's not ready to have children. He should however have had the decency to tell it straight to her face in stead of using her condition as an excuse, but he could simply be trying to spare her feelings.

 

Lots of men are terrified at the thought of becoming fathers, especially if their SO's are very enthusiastic about it. I was one of them. Until it suddenly happened.

 

I know we're kinda immature like that, but most women doesn't let that stand in their way.

 

He does sound a little immature in general, but if you've been happy together this far, I don't think you should let this become a problem. What does your intuition tell you?

 

Just my thoughts.....

[maja]

My boyfriend and I had a loooooong talk about all of this. Like some of you already said, his mom is just looking out so I don’t think she had much to do with this, it’s more of his decision then hers. He told me that once he found out about this problem he got very scared, scared of my well being (while I’m pregnant one day) and the life of the baby. Which is understanding of course. He was saying things like he doesn’t want me dying at childbirth and really getting into crazy thoughts. He is not ready for kids for another few years, but we agreed that we were going to make appointments to see doctors in regarding this issue for both of us to have a much more clear mind and to find out what are the statistics, problems that may occur, ect. He told me that he doesn’t want me to leave that he doesn’t want any body else but me. He said he wants my kids one day, but he’s just scared for our health.