My wife moved out and wants to seperate!

[robart22]

My beautiful wife of over 3 years had moved out almost 4 weeks ago. She is living with a co-woker/grilfriend of hers in a nearby part of town. We were married young, she was 21 and I was 25.

 

Over the course of the marriage we have had many ups and downs. The first year was great and then we slowing went into rough waters. The first troubles were financial; barely having enough money to get by. She was a part-time teacher and took the summer off without pay. It really set us back. We recovered and other problems eventually arose. The culmination of problems really brough t out the worst in us. I admitily developed a "don't care about this marriage" attitude. She is ADHD and her entire family are unadmitted alcholics. She grew up in the beer-for breakfast, scotch for lunch enviroment and I believe this continues to be a challange for her in our relationship. She was not responsible with paying bills or her maintaining a good credit. She was challanged with both simple and complex responsibilities. I , on the other hand, grew up with an angry father and a miserable mother. The difficulties I brought to our relationship were anger, verbal abuse and inconsistant love. The hurtful words of "i hate you" were effortlessly expressed. Despite or faults and immature communication shkills, w:eek: e hung in there and our relationship was looking up. Until she moved out.

 

She and I are both in individual therapy as well as seeing a marriage therapist. The marriage therapy is moving along, but is very confusing. She says she loves me and that she does not want to get a divorce, but wants to seperate. She sees "light at the end of the tunnel" and wants to believe we will work it out. She also says she does not know what she wants and doesn't trust that I will resolve my anger issues. She states that she will not be moving back home, to our apartment, for the rest of the summer. At the end of summer, she is moving to be near her family, out of the state. She has been wanting to move near her family for some time now, I believe I have been the driving force for her to stay here.

 

I shared with her the following idea: take it slow and continue marriage therapy until the end of summer. Start seeing each other more and date each other to start building back the relationship. When she leaves we can visit each other some weekends and stay in touch via phone and e-mail until a time when I can leave work and move to her new location.

 

She says she likes that idea and it sounds good. Yet she seems to never call me or see me, outside of therapy, unless she has an out. There is always something that comes up to create frustration. she'll say "I am going to a game tongiht with my girlfriends" or I have class in 5 mins" Our time together is always cut short by something she has to do.

 

Is she gone and keeping me loosely dangling for a fallback plan? or does she love me and really need time to find herself? I have been patient, but am really getting concerned that I am being foolish. This is truly heartbreaking to me. I love her dearly and have done so much to prove it to her. Largely, by working on the anger and be patient and giving her space.

 

Thank you and I look forward to any insight you may have.

[Outcast]

Unfortunately, 'anger issues' are pretty hard to deal with. She may love you but love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Respect and kindness are also vital and it sounds like your relationship was lacking both for a long time - that's how relationships die.

 

There are a lot of people who behave terribly to their partners for a long time and then expect the partners to be able to just get over it. It's like expecting someone who's been hit by a bus to 'just get over it'.

 

This doesn't mean you should quit trying to resolve your issues and better yourself, but the work you're doing may benefit a new partner in the end. The lesson to learn from this is that you cannot mistreat someone for a long time and expect forgiveness. It's too much to ask of most normal people. If she forgives you and is able to get past it, then nominate her for sainthood.