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[alturrnababe]

Hi all. I have posted on here a couple of times about problems in my marriage and received some very sound and practical advice.I had said before that my husband had been acting very selfish and going out all the time, and leaving all the housework and child rearing to me.I realize that, as a stay at home mom, I did take on this role and that with him running his own business he has a heavy responsibility as well....but I am getting burnt-out and very fed up with his "social life". His soccer, that's ok, but does he really need to go to the pub after every game and practice-3 times a week? Or golfing on the weekends and having his poker parties at our house on the weekends with 10 - 15 people at a time over till sometimes 2:30 am? I have tried to be accomodating, but the last time he had poker, i had to put a sign on the bathroom door so people would stop banging it so loud- it woke my 2 year old up twice.Last time I posted on here , someone suggested counselling, but he refused to participate,so I have been taking the kids and going on my own.I have learned a few valuable things, but everytime I try to set a boundary or anything he gets very nasty and tells me the problem is with me.I think about moving with the kids all the time- but finances are a huge problem even though I have been putting away as much as i can.I am just wishing for some adult company at night after the kids go to bed, instead of sitting here by myself, and I am just at a loss as to what to say to him anymore without sounding like 'a nag" as he puts it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey there stranger!

 

Have you sat down with him and told him that you're considering leaving because he won't go to counseling?? He needs to know this is not just "your" problem, but it's "our" problem.

 

The only thing that woke my ex up was me packing my bags. Unfortunately it was too late by that point. Perhaps if you told him that he'd wake up? Sure, he'll be pissed and try to turn it around on you- but don't let him!

[norajane]

Your hubby isn't recognizing there is a problem in your relationship that will change your lives if it isn't addressed. You are a partner in this marriage, and also deserve time to yourself, as well as time with him.

 

I would suggest hiring a baby-sitter every now and then so that the two of you can go out together, alone. I would also suggest scheduling time for the two of you to be together with the kids - an outing to the park or something where he spends time with his children along with you. And then I would suggest that you schedule a night or two each week when he takes care of the kids while you go out on your own.

 

These are concrete steps than can begin make the improvements you want without going into the blame-game about how he spends too much time doing other stuff.

 

If he can't agree to building his family into his busy schedule, then you are right in making plans to head out on your own. You may even want to look into the laws in your state to determine what his financial responsibilities would be to you and the kids if you were to divorce. He will need to be responsible for child support, and probably a bit more since you have been keeping his home while he gets the business going.

 

Once you have some of your ducks in a row, then impress upon him one more time that you are unhappy, that you have suggested specific changes that would make things better, that you have suggested counseling, and now you are considering divorce.

 

I wish you the best.