Yeah...

[Slapshot2286]

Ok. Well, my gf and I have been together 3 years next month. Throughout every relationship in my life, I have NEVER cheated on anybody. I've always said that I just don't believe in it. I still don't. I feel like its against my morals. Which is why I'm in such a bad situation now. My girlfriend left and went home to her parents' house across the country for the summer. Its summer term now, so I have time to go out and have fun with my friends, but I've never been interested in going out to meet girls.

I went over to a friend's house two nights ago. There was this girl there, and she was really cute. I mean, I noticed her when I got there, but since I'm with my gf, I never really talk to girls when I go somewhere, just not my thing. I actually ignored her most of the night because she was kinda acting like a bitch to me. So this girl is ALL over me all night. Everyone's drinking and whatnot, although I didn't have more than about 5 beers all night. It comes to the end of the night, about 2am or so, and everyone else goes to sleep and I'm still talkin to this girl. Well, everyone knows where this goes. We didn't have sex that night, just made out and fooled around for a bit.

Now, LAST night, I went back to my friend's house, and she was there again. I was goin to get food, and she came with me. We came back to his house, and well, yeah we had sex. And it was amazing. I've only had sex with my girlfriend, so this girl was the second girl ever, and it was awesome.

I don't need anyone to say how its wrong and all that. Trust me. Its KILLING me. All this time I've said how I just can't do it because I don't believe in it, and yet, I did it. The thing that scares me is that it was so easy. And I WANTED to do it. I love my girlfriend more than anything. She's an absolutely amazing girl. Which is even worse. Like when I think about it, I'm terrified about how easy it was, and how much I liked it. Also I didn't mention that this girl is engaged. Her fiance is overseas for the next two years and she's not gonna see him. I think that's part of the reason why it was so easy for us.

 

 

I don't know why I'm posting all this, I guess I'm looking for a reason why it was so easy. This girl wasn't the perfect girl by any means. I mean, I've met a few extremely hot girls that I had no interest in at all. I talked to my dad and my brother about it, and they think its not a big deal, cuz I'm 20, in college, and not married and all that. At the same time though, I feel like such an a**h***. I can't believe what I did, and what's worse, I can't believe how much I liked it. What the hell did I do??

[Lovegod]

And I WANTED to do it.

This is your answer. This is all you need. You WANTED to do it. Here's another thing:

I talked to my dad and my brother about it, and they think its not a big deal, cuz I'm 20, in college, and not married and all that.

I agree with your dad. You're young, and you should be out having fun dating and having sex with women. Why the hell do you want to be tied down when you're in your sexual prime?

I love my girlfriend more than anything. She's an absolutely amazing girl.

If your girlfriend was the most amazing woman in the world, you would have pushed this other girl away. Something tells me that your relationship with your girlfriend isn't as satisfying as you're wanting us to believe.

[Brittanyjean06]

Yeah you are young but it really isn't a good excuse, because things like that that you do can easily tie to other things you do in the future, and go along to what you believe is right.

 

You feel bad about it, you should..but it's good that you feel bad, because it shows you that what you did was wrong, and that you do love your girlfriend.

 

I am not bashing on you at all, just another way to look at this.

 

What if this happens to be the girl you marry? will you do it later on in the future? Guilty pleasures suck don't they? Sometimes we have to fight the urge to what we want, and look at the things we have, and even though you guys were fighting its not excuse, I'm sure you know how hurt she would be by that.

 

sorry if my advice seems to serve no purpose in helping you, but I kinda feel like my advice is worthless now

 

Are you going to tell her?

[KittenMoon]

What you did was wrong. Being in your sexual prime is no excuse. Being angry at your gf is wrong as well.

 

It was wrong because you agreed to fidelity with your gf. Unless the two of you agreed it's ok to fool around with others, then there is no excuse at all.

 

If you want to be sexually free, break up with your gf. Give her at least that level of respect.

[KittenMoon]

Sweet mother Mary! You had sex with someone, you didn't kill anybody. You're 20, God forbid you want to spontaneously get after it with a girl at a party. I would certainly hope you'd want to hit it as often as possible at your age. There's no guilt, no shame, you wanted to and so did she. You're not marrying her and you most likely wont marry your other girlfriend. Why do you even entertain the idea of having a girlfriend? Would it be so bad to non-exclusively date a variety of women from now until you're 30? Stop thinking in monogamy terms.

 

It's lovely that he had fun. But have you forgotten the other girl who will likely be devastated for weeks, months, or maybe years? People always like to conviniently forget those they hurt while "having fun". Or have other tell them what they did wasn't so bad.

 

Having fun is lovely and great- but do it w/o creating a situation you intentionally hurt someone else. That way, you have no guilt, no shame, and no trail of devastated exes who trusted you.

[Brittanyjean06]

Does this this qoute sum of this passage

 

" having your cake and eating it to"

 

Is that selfish?

[Brittanyjean06]

Yeah man so go out and bang other woman! because you are 20 lol no jk, You love your gf. Just like you could love your wife, lets not putt in the" oh your not married to her, so it doesn't matter"

[Lovegod]

Being in your sexual prime is no excuse. Being angry at your gf is wrong as well.

Now, we have someone trying to dictate how nature is WRONG. It's natural to be in your sexual prime, and it's natural to be pissed off at someone. But nature is WRONG!!!! Care to tell me why?

But have you forgotten the other girl who will likely be devastated for weeks, months, or maybe years?

There's an easy way to avoid this.... Dump her and tell her nothing! He can then have all the sexual freedom he wants, and no harm is done (except for the emotional papercut she suffers, but that will heal).

Problem solved!

[KittenMoon]

Now, we have someone trying to dictate how nature is WRONG. It's natural to be in your sexual prime, and it's natural to be pissed off at someone. But nature is WRONG!!!! Care to tell me why?

 

I was implying it was no excuse.

 

There's an easy way to avoid this.... Dump her and tell her nothing! He can then have all the sexual freedom he wants, and no harm is done (except for the emotional papercut she suffers, but that will heal).

Problem solved!

 

Which is what I said. Thanks for repeating it. As for the emotional papercut, I hope she's lucky enough to ONLY feel the pain of being dumped. But these things have a way of getting out...

[Brittanyjean06]

lets wait to see what more this person has to say before having your own dissustions on what you believe.

 

You both make valid points, though I am more with towards what kitten believes.

 

You must think cheating is not so big of a deal?

 

It is when you love someone, and you can do that?

[Slapshot2286]

Wow well that is definitely not the type of response I expected...AT ALL. Let me clear something up. First of all, I love my girlfriend more than anything. I care about her a lot. I just talked to a friend of mine, and I think the right thing to do is to tell her. My only feeling about telling her is that I know that if I tell her, I have a better chance of staying with her than if she finds out from somebody else. But, I was selfish enough by having sex with this other girl, so I don't want to do something that might help out my own interests. My girlfriend doesn't deserve to be hurt, nor does she deserve to be cheated on, and my #1 priority is to make sure she's happy. I don't know.........

[whichwayisup]

If you don't know, then break up with her. It IS very selfish of you to have sex with someone else and still be with her.

 

The price and consquences of cheating is, losing the one you love. SO, if you don't tell her, be prepared she may find out by accident from someone else. Meaning, someone could have seen you with another girl and TELL her. Or, standup and tell her the truth. Let HER decide if she wants to be with you or not.

 

DId you atleast use a condom? If you didn't, you've put HER health at risk. Just FYI.

 

You're young and can't see around the corner yet...All I can say is, if you can't stay committed to ONE girl, then make that CLEAR to the one you are dating. Don't lie to her and say you love her - Then have sex with other girls. Be upfront about it if that is what you want to do.

 

Good luck and I hope you do the right thing.

[Slapshot2286]

We kind of started out not using a condom but I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable about that so I used one. Not that it really mattered after that point, but I still didn't like it.

 

I fully understand the consequence of cheating. That is why I'm so disappointed. Not because I may lose her - I know I deserve at least that. I'm disappointed because SHE might lose ME, and she doesn't deserve that. She really doesn't deserve being cheated on. The thing is, while our relationship was rocky the last year or so, we've always treated each other well, never lied or cheated (although she did kiss another guy at a party in front of me and that really sucked...). Somebody saw this girl and I, not in the act, but close enough. Its a mutual friend between us. The girl's not going to say anything to anybody, but still, somebody knows.

 

In regards to your last comment, I wouldn't be lying to her by telling her I love her. I do love her. I didn't intend to have sex with anybody, and I don't like that I did. I feel like the lowest person on earth right now. I love my girlfriend to death, and I f***ed it up. I know I have to live with the consequences. Now when I talk to her on the phone I just want to hear her voice and hope that it never has to end. I have to hold back tears talking to her because I'm afraid I've screwed things up forever. I don't want to cheat again ever...its a s***ty feeling. All I want is to be a good guy.

[whichwayisup]

Well, you're being honest and I think you know that you have to tell your girlfriend about what you did. I hope you learn from this though.

I know I deserve at least that. I'm disappointed because SHE might lose ME, and she doesn't deserve that

 

Honest way of thinking, but to me, her finding out is a good thing and if she loses you, it WILL hurt her but eventually she'll get over it and find a guy who won't cheat on her or PUT himself IN a situation where you can't say no.

 

I understand the heat of the moment, getting caught up in it - But, when you're with someone else, ya just can't go putting yourself out there like that. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

Good luck and hey, if you trust that person NOT to say anything, that's a mistake. Who knows if that person TOLD someone else...And so on...Just be aware of the fact it IS out there and if you want some respect from your girlfriend, and self respect from yourself, TELL her the truth.

[Brittanyjean06]

I like these advice posts much better than the previous one(s) above.

 

don't just tell your girlfriend because your afraid she might find out any way.

 

Tell her because you do in fact love her.

[Lovegod]

You are a dumb boy.

We kind of started out not using a condom but I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable about that so I used one. Not that it really mattered after that point, but I still didn't like it.

To hell with cheating, you don't even respect yourself! You began having intercourse without a condom, therefore putting yourself at high risk for catching a disease. THAT is dumber than cheating on your girlfriend.

I don't give a s*** how much you love her, you need to love and respect yourself first and foremost. If you don't take care of yourself, everything else is irrelevant. If you don't exist, you can't have sex with women or love them. YOU are the most important person in your life.

 

Now, for my second lecture, I wish to hell I didn't waste my early 20s in a long term relationship with a girl who hasn't gone through her partying stage. I guarantee if you stay with your girlfriend, she's going to ditch you and say "I need to do things for myself" or "I'm just not ready for this", or "I see you as a friend" or "I need some space" or any of the other bulls*** excuses that you'll recieve. Then, she'll go out partying and hook up with the first guy that grabs her interest.

 

You're in your sexual prime, and you have very little dating and sexual experience. Date many, many women and get a good idea of what you want in an ideal mate before you settle down. If you aren't fussy with what you want, you'll end up in a miserable relationship with a woman you dislike.

 

I like these advice posts much better than the previous one(s) above.

 

Everyone enjoys what they want to hear. Unfortunately, it's the advice that people don't want to hear that bears the most usefulness.

[Tim'sAngel]

I don't agree with everything that lovegod says, but I'm really glad someone posted something about being safe. Not only have you put yourself at risk, but you put someone innocent in risk as well. I always say, hey, if your going to be ignorant and endanger yourself, then that is your problem, but don't go spreading your germs to someone else.

 

It is wrong that you cheated, I don't care how old you are. I do agree w/the above posters that say you are young and should enjoy your youth, albeit safely. I cannot think of one instense, among the people I know personaly, that have married at a young age w/out gathering the experience I believe is required for a fulfilling life, and stayed together. You will inevidably regret not sowing your wild oats.

 

I am almost 22 and I am in a very healthy, loving, monogamous relationship and I am very happy with that. I also have a very young son, and I did my share of sowing wild oats to the extreme, and regreting most of it. I don't really think it has to do with age as much as experience. I got really tired of the life I was leading and am much happier having my own family. I also made sure to find someone much older and experienced so that I wouldn't have the problem as your gf. Its all about what works for you. IT sounds like your once monogamous relationship isn't working very well for you, and you gf deserves better if this is what she really wants. IMO, you need to come clean w/her and then break up with her. Go sow some oats, USE PROTECION, then when you feel you are ready to settle down, you will have a better idea of what you want from life.

 

Good luck:bunny:

[Slapshot2286]

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice...it really does mean a lot.

 

As far as being safe, my girlfriend is gone for another month, and I'm getting tested on Monday. I very well realize that aspect of the issue, and I would NEVER do something like that.

 

As far as being monagamous, yes, I'm young, and should be out having fun and whatnot and am probably too serious in most people's eyes with my girlfriend for how old I am. In regards to experience, I've only slept with 2 people...my girlfriend and now this girl. I mean in 3 years I've become experienced, but only with one girl. I haven't really had the chance to lead the life that many of you guys and girls had when you were young. I met my girlfriend when I was just turning 17. She's the first person I had sex with, and I've been with her since then. I missed out on the life most of you lived during ages 17-20 to be in a monagamous relationship, and on top of that a long distance one where up until a year ago, I saw her every 3 months. From when I was 17 to 19, I spent 50% of my day on the phone with her, and the other 50% securing college things, working, and going to school.

 

In a monagamous relationship, there has to be trust. For three years I have remained faithful, and it has been a struggle to prove that every day. Honestly that is one of the only things out of my relationship (albeit a very big thing) that is missing; trust. Up until yesterday I had not cheated in any relationship, and yet, I have been made out to be a cheater (like all her other BF's that have cheated on her) from day one. I think that I just got tired of being made out as the bad guy when I never really was. She always took out her insecurities on our relationship, making me feel guilty about anything I did without her. And for the past month, I've finally been able to enjoy going out with friends, drinking for once, and not feeling guilty about it. A lot of my friends have stopped talking to me because I pretty much stopped talking to them after meeting my girlfriend.

 

I'm not trying to blame my cheating on my girlfriend. I made the choice to do it, on my own accord. I'm just trying to sort through why I made that decision. I felt like I really haven't "lived," a day, meaning really feeling alive and awake, for over a year now. I look around at all my friends having a good time being carefree, and what am I doing? Joined the Army, bought a house, and getting into a relationship that is nearing marriage. I guess it finally just came to a head. I love my girlfriend, and want to be with her for the rest of my life. When I think of who I want to be with, and having a family, she is absolutely perfect. But cheating or not, and cheating is definitely not necessary....I feel like I've given up a lot of my youth, and I don't like the feeling of being old at 20. Does that make any sense?

[Tim'sAngel]

Slap, look. It isn't a bad thing to want to live your life to the fullest. It isn't even about age, its about what you want and what is right for you. Maybe you don't know what is right for you yet, but reading through your last post, I am convinced you are not ready for a monogamous relationship, and definately not marriage. JMO. You have to understand that once cheating, even if it is just once in 3 years or 10 years or 25, has been introduced into a relationship, everything changes!! Everything. I posted a thread on here once about whether or not a relationship can survive after infidelity. Most of the posters, including myself, agreed that it cannot. Trust in a relationship is everything. Even if your girlfriend never finds out about it, you gave something away that was only meant for her. It just isn't fair. And if you say all her other bfs cheated on her, you do realize that once she finds out that you have cheated on her it will not only crush her self esteem and self worth, it will damage her ability to ever trust another man.

 

Please, for the sake of you and your gf, reevaluate the situation and think w/maturity, not you own selfish feelings. You say it felt so natural to cheat. How do you know it won't happen again? Do you really think your gf deserves this to happen again? If you break up w/her now, you don't even necessarily have to tell her you cheated, just that you feel you are not ready for marriage, that there are things in your life you want to do before you become that serious, but I wouldn't mention you wanting to explore your sexual wild side! That will only make her feel inefficient.

 

Again, this is all JMO.

[Tim'sAngel]

I don't know how long ago your sexual encounter took place, but some STD's take up to 6 months to surface, and there are other such as the HPV virus where men are only carriers to women, and there is no test to find out if you are one. So techinically, you are still putting your gf at risk.

[Vertex]

Sorry but this struck a nerve with me. I hate it when guys already have wonderful girlfriends and screw it up by extending their reach to realms where they shouldn't. If you truly loved your girlfriend you would look at this situation from her eyes and act in a way that is most fair to her. What does she deserve? Are you giving her what she deserves? At this point you've already broken the trust even if you have not told her. Cheating is always a tough spot because it's a struggle between the ethics of truth and the lessening of the blow through blissful ignorance. You do not seem ready for this sort of relationship and a few of your messages are contradictory (ie. "I WANTED to vs. I had no intent to"), which indicates there is some degree of confusion in your thought process here. Either you gain some insight fast, mature, and force yourself to become twice the boyfriend you previously were, or you break it off and let her find someone who will treat her right. The fact that you were also being careless about potential disease could have also led to giving your girlfriend those symptoms, which is even more irresponsible. I think you have a lot of re-evaluation to do.

 

Tim'sAngel: O.O Holy crap you are only 22? You are barely older than I am. You seem way way mature for your age -- I've always seen you as an experienced, intelligent person but wow, 22? That is so shocking hahah.

[Tim'sAngel]

Tim'sAngel: O.O Holy crap you are only 22? You are barely older than I am. You seem way way mature for your age -- I've always seen you as an experienced, intelligent person but wow, 22? That is so shocking hahah.

 

Ah stop, now I'm blushing Age has nothing to do with maturity. It's life experience. And God knows I've had my rough share of it

[MrDarcy]

Why is everyone so convinced that "living your life to the fullest" means sleeping around with as many people as possible and partying 24-7? There is more to life, you know.

 

To the original poster:

 

You say you don't believe in cheating, that it goes against your morals and you don't have the need to talk to other girls, and shortly after describe how easy it was to cheat with this girl and that you wanted it. Kinda says a lot about your character doesn't it?

 

Secondly you say you understand tha consequences of cheating. BS! You have no idea what consequenses this will have for your gf. If she already has insecurity issues, this will not help....

 

And suddenly you start talking about not using a condom? Wtf? What does it matter? It's not like you had sex with your gf afterwards anyway, and if karma has it's way, you never will again...

[Tim'sAngel]

Why is everyone so convinced that "living your life to the fullest" means sleeping around with as many people as possible and partying 24-7? There is more to life, you know..

 

Uh, yea, because thats what the OP is having issues with. Did you not read it correctly? We arn't saying thats all there is to life. It sounds like he has all the other areas taken care of. This post is about sex, so guess what we are commenting about... thats right, sex!

[MrDarcy]

Uh' date=' yea, because thats what the OP is having issues with. Did you not read it correctly? We arn't saying thats all there is to life. It sounds like he has all the other areas taken care of. This post is about sex, so guess what we are commenting about... thats right, sex![/quote']

 

IMO this thread has very little to do with sex. It's about maturity, respect and moral character.