letting him go

[newguest]

I have been married to my husband for 4 years, we have been friends for 8 years. I never saw myself with him, when he asked me to go out with him I didn't want to(i was not into him like that)...but I knew he had gone through so much rejection and I did not want to hurt him so I did. I never thought it would last, but we ended up getting married. Even though i was not in love with him i knew he was faithful, honest, kind, hard worker and provider, and was crazy about me and my son...so i figured why not...i have tried the rest and those qualities are good reason to be with someone. However, i have been in love with my childhood friend ever since i was 16. He married his high school sweetheart, they had some rocky patches and during that time my CHF and i dated...but i always felt he only called on me when things were not right with his home. Eventually, we grew close and he revealed that he loved me too...but i am not the other women, so inever tried to get him to leave his wife...in fact i thought they would always be together no matter what. So, i let him go and pursued the relationship with my current husband. I found out two days before my wedding that my CHF divorced his wife. I thought about calling the wedding off...but decided no i have this great person and if my CHF really wanted to be with me he would have made different choices. I've been lying to myself because i really still love him...but i love my husband...i feel sick about this. I never want to hurt my husband...but i think i am anyway. Part of me thinks i should divorce him(let him go) he deserves someone to love him completely. I am not sure there is a feture for me and my CHF to be together...but i can't take being torn this way. I don't know how to get him out of my mind. My husband asked me if I had romantic feelings for him i talked around that one) i need it to end. I love them both...but by loving them both i'm not loving myself. Help me though this.