The Fallacy of the ONE

[Rollo Tomassi]

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

 

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of 'special someones' out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who's remarried after their soulmate has died or moved on.

 

Stop trying to find the ONE out there for you. I about puke everytime I hear the mealy-mouthed voice of that Focus on the Family "Doctor" on the eHarmony commercials playing on stupid women's (and too many men's) fears of never finding security by advertising that they'll find your soul-mate with their 40 question pop-psychology personality test. Blecgh,..! There has never been a more damaging mass-psychosis in the history of humanity than the personal limitations and retardation in maturity that is self-inflicted from people swallowing this soul-mate garbage. But then again I guess no one would get paid to write sappy pop-love songs, produce 'romantic comedies', or write self-help books if people could see through myths like this.

 

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of; that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it's course we'll know that we're 'intended' for each other. And while this may sell a lot of romance novels it's hardly a realistic way to plan your life. I've been married for 9 years and I love my wife dearly, but I know damn well were I to die that she'd marry another suitable guy a few years later. I had a friend commit suicide after 2 kids and 20 years of marriage, because he thought exactly like this; she was the ONE and he couldn't go on without her and she even bought this for the first 17 or so years. This woman started dating a millionaire 3 months after he was buried and married this guy a year later and you know what she tells my wife to this day? He's the ONE. So, you can sing songs about her (or him) and how you are each other's sun and moon, but in the harsh daylight of reality, we all do exactly what our conditions demand from us.

 

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped in the area of intersexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn't 'someone for everyone' or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false. It's just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. And what's more ironic is that personally I have a very strong belief in God and yet don't entertain for a second that anything is predestined or that there isn't a whole world of people out there that could just as easily be a 'perfect match' for me in any given circumstance.