clamchowderz Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Hello, This is my 1st post here so here it goes: Lisa and I were high school sweethearts, we met at a camp funded by the school when she was a sophmore and I was a junior. The relationship was solid until I got accepted into university. I broke up with her and completely abandoned her for 3 months while I was partying it up at college. I started talking to her again near thanksgiving and when I went home for christmas break we didnt hang out until the last day i was there and we made love. I left for college and again avoided her until a couple months before school was to be let out and i was going to come home for the summer. Summer comes around and we are back together again. During this summer my mental state detierated and i become abusive (hitting her and pushing her to the ground when she made me angry) I understand that this is not acceptable behavior. Fast forward... She left for the same college i went too, but i instead stayed in our hometown to go to the local JC. Again before she left i broke her heart and didnt talk to her while she was away at school. come xmas break we see each other again and it was love all over again, the best. she leaves again for school and the process starts all over again, me ignoring her and her trying to keep some sort of relationship going. she comes home for spring break and we see each other and get back together for the week, i was under intense pressure because i was taking 19credits and working part-time and so i had cases where i lost control again and hit her. after spring break she left for school and we didnt really talk much mainly on my part. well she is back for the summer and she did not initate contact with me when she come home like all the other times. we hung out once and i was lost and couldnt understand why she was acting so different from all the other times and i continually asked her what was up, and her response was that she wanted to have a "talk" just not then. well this continued for a week or so and i would show up at her house wanting to talk so i would know where she stood and what she wanted. well one day i came into her house while she was sleeping hoping i could wake her up and because i was going insane not knowing if we were going to be together or not. well before i got to her house i learned of a possible relationship that she might have had before she came home for the summer. well i was mad because i had waited for her thinking that like all the other times she would come to me and we would happy again. well i flipped out and accused her of this possible relationship although she didnt accept it or deny it. i ended up losing my temper and hitting her again,she said it was the hardest id ever hit her. i also should point out that i hadnt slept for the previous two days because i had to study and i couldnt stop thinking about what she needed to talk about. i finally got her to talk to me after i threatened to commit suicide, it was the only way i could get her to talk to me because it was driving me insane not knowing what she was thinking. she told me that she wants space to figure herself out and that maybe we wernt so perfect for each other, she said i was soo mean to her during our relationship. and i was. so this is the day after our talk. im glad i know where she stands, but i am so afraid of losing her. she says i need counsoling really really badly and i am looking for it. i love this girl and i havent been able to find anyone that makes me feel the same way i felt about Lisa. im afraid i have lost her for good. when i say i love you to her she doesnt say it back anymore. she wants her space and she says that she doesnt want to say that its over for good because she doesnt know if it is or not. im willing to change my ways to make us work. i know i can go on with out her, although it would be very hard. i just want a chance to show her i can change. im so lost. please help. Link to post Share on other sites
atreyu3 Posted May 28, 2006 Share Posted May 28, 2006 First of all, yes u need counseling. Why you would even think about hitting a girl in the first place is beyond me. Second, you blew it, can't you realize a good thing when you have it? You kept leaving her and just showing back up and she welcomed you with open arms, now she needs a break to figure out what she wants, give her the space the ball is in her court now and you can only blame yourself. If you ever do get another chance and hit her again, you can say goodbye forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted May 28, 2006 Author Share Posted May 28, 2006 Thank you for responding. Lisa had the key to my apartment from the last time she was here. I went over to her house and took the key back. after we had the "talk" we decided to get something to eat and right before we were to walk out the apartment key was next to her keys and she took it with her. what does this mean? her taking the apartment key after i had taken it from her? is this a sign of hope? I havent talked to her since last friday the 26th today is sunday the 28th, how long should i wait? Another thing. Last night i was looking at the concert listings for my area and it turns out next month our favorite band is playing and coincedently it happens to be on the day of our anniversary (the 1st time we got together) well i have already bought tickets, but is this a good idea? it just seems like fate doesnt want us to be apart especially with this whole concert falling on our anniversary. im confused. please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 clamchowderz, if you want to keep Lisa in your life AND not be arrested for domestic violence some day here is what you need to do. 1. Take an anger management class. 2. Call your local domestic violence center and ask to talk to a counselor or advocate. Tell them your story and they'll be able to set you up with some counseling (free if you can't afford it) that you desperately need. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
atreyu3 Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 Hopefully you take the advice and get some counseling. You need to stop looking into everything so much. I did the same thing for too long I thought everything that happened was a sign we should be together, were still not going and I just recently started NC. You need to not contanc her and wait for her to initiate contact being that you messed things up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted May 29, 2006 Author Share Posted May 29, 2006 Thank you for providing me with some answers. I have looked into counsoling and I am going to call tomorrow since today everything is closed (memorial day). I am not bad guy, I admit that i do have problems and i want to fix them not for Lisa, but for myself. I have learned so many valuable lessons with Lisa and will always love her. Thank you again for helping me and if anyone has any other advice id really like to hear it. Thanks again -Matthew Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 My advice is - You are trying to control her. Trying to control somebody is wrong. You need to find the tools that will enable you to understand that everyone has a free will and they do not owe it to you to stay with you. Try to figure out why you feel this need to control her, is it insecurity and unhappiness with yourself? Its good that you are trying to change, but do not let the change hinge on what Lisa decides to do. That is part of the change, that you do the right thing because it is the right thing, not to keep somebody in your life. Another thing that might help you is to write down how you think this has been for Lisa. How confusing and hurtful this may be for her, that will help you understand her a little better. When you feel an surge of anger, take a few deep breaths and count before you act. Walk away if you feel you are getting out of control. Good luck and do the right thing, you will know what that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 well lisa and i talked for the 1st time since friday on AIM. it was a pretty normal conversation although i did ask her out on friday night. is that too soon since she asked for space a week ago friday? whats the best way to causually bring up if she wants to contuine the relationship or not? Link to post Share on other sites
atreyu3 Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Don't bring up anything about the relationship, let her make the moves. If you bring up anything you might come off as needy and that will only push her away. Let her initiate contact and bring up anything about you two. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 In my opinion, you should not be trying to have a relationship with someone. You are way too unstable to handle the "normal" ups and downs of being attached emotionally. You say that you love Lisa, and I believe that you THINK you do. However, love is not violent, nor is it controlling. If you want the best for Lisa, you should leave her alone. She deserves some one who will not hit her. I believe you are obsessed with her, which is very dangerous for her. You have jerked Lisa around for quite some time, and caused her a great deal of emotional and physical pain. She probably will require therapy for her unfortunate time with you. She will have to learn that it is not OK for anyone to treat anyone the way you treated her. Back to you: yes, get therapy. Forget being in a relationship, and just work on yourself, your job, and your college. It sounds like you have too much on your plate to handle a relationship, even with out your problems, after all, normal relationships are constant, regardless of how far away one person is from the other. "Ignoring" someone just because they are inconvenient for you is incredibly selfish. Please take this and all opinions you receive on this site with a grain of salt. You are the only one who can make the decisions best for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 Thank you YellowLioness your message really sent a shock to me because of how true it is. today while being bored i went on to myspace and looked for lisa's profile. i found it and upon browsing i found the guy i believe she was/is involved with. i found pictures of her kissing him on the cheek and hugging him. it was the evidence i needed to move on with. i called lisa and she was just getting off of her 3rd or 4th day of a new job and she was with her friend who doesnt like me. i had told her a week ago that there was a possibility of me moving down to LA. she didnt like that idea but she said she didnt want to be selfish and force me to stay. i might remind you that i came back our town to be with her after i had left college (freshman year) she wasnt the only reason i came back but a big reason. well after i had found the pictures i called her and told her i needed the key back today or tomorrow because i was indeed moving. as of right now it is a 50/50 chance. i said that to her because i was hoping that it would...wow i just realized what i have done and what i have been doing the past 2 years. i was trying to control the situation and take it into my own hands by forcing her to see me because i wanted her too. sigh... i didnt get any sleep last night ill let you know and days when i dont get sleep i act irrationally. i regret what i did to her today, i even sent her a text message saying im sorry i didnt mean to throw that info at you right after a long and stressful day at work. god i feel like a moron because everytime i come back into her life i always bring some sort of problem. i know that i should wait for her to contact me but it is so freaking hard because 1) i remember my town as "our" town 2) it hurts knowing that she could be out with HIM being in places that used to be ours 3) i hate not knowing it we WILL or WILL NOT be together. Look, I have numbers to call for help lines and am wanting and willingly to get help for myself, not for liisa, but for me. this girl means the world to me because when everything is clicking and rolling on all cylinders its really good. i remember this one time we were driving back from the store and just talking and all of a sudden one of us just started to laugh causing the other to laugh as well. this contuined for like 5 minutes, see little moments like these are what lisa and i had together. i know i blew it. i know it. it hurts every damn day when i have to go without seeing her. i have missed her for soo long and she has no idea. how do i tell her all this information about me, about us, about how i treated without coming off as "creepy" or "unstable". i want her to know this because this is me, not the crazy guy. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 and actually, I think it was on here, that was really great advice for alcoholics. Basically, it said to avoid lack of sleep, hunger, and boredom when you are recovering from anything. It can be applied here, too. Find yourself a hobby: I find community service to be great for alleviating boredom, and also a great self-esteem boost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 well I was finally able to get lisa to give me a date (sat) for the "talk". when trying to get her to calm down on the phone, she got flustered she said that she needed space to control herself when the "talk" comes. she said she doesnt want to be yelling and what not. she brought up the hitting ( you hit me more than once) which is a dagger to the chest, but true. when i said that i wanted to know right then if we were going to work or not, she immedietly asked "why do you have girlfriend? oh you dont care about me anymore. ok whatever. fine. go be with your girlfriend." i assured her that i did not in fact have a girlfriend and that i was getting tired of these games. she says she wants space but will IM me on AIM whenever I am online. ive already prepared myself for saturday. im just glad its finally going to be over with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted June 7, 2006 Author Share Posted June 7, 2006 so we talked on monday (yesterday) and it basically came down to 1) she doesnt know what to do, if getting back together is the right thing or not 2) she misses me well after the short 30min conversation which took about a month to plan because she kept on postponing it she said she had to go because she was meeting her friend. she asked me to walk her to her car and as we got up she grabbed my arm like it was old times. as we walked to her car she told me to car her tomorrow (today) because she had the day off and wanted to see how things would go, since we decieded that maybe just starting off as "friends" first would be better than just jumping straight into the relationship. well i called her today and she was hesitant to make plans because she had told someone else that she was going to hang out with them. she said she would call me back when she knew what was going. well she IMed me and said that her friend Z had called her because yesterday lisa had said yes to seeing a movie with Z. well she also said yes to hanging out with me as well. so she IMed me this and I said ok, she said sorry and i said no worries. well at this point i think its best if we just go our seperate ways since i am already prepared and it looks like she doesnt want to work on it. she said she would call me tomorrow. I feel like if she wanted to see if things would work out she would have chosen me over her friend. am i wrong? should i continue to go by her schedule? or should i just move on? right now as im writing this i feel like i should just no answer tomorrow and not answer anymore because to me it feels like i am trying and she isnt. any advice here would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted June 8, 2006 Author Share Posted June 8, 2006 well today wed lisa didnt call like she said she was going to. im not surprised and actually it really didnt bother me that much. im wondering since i realize that NC should be officially started right now, what happens now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clamchowderz Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 well after a week of NC lisa broke it today by IMing me a picture of her "baby" which is a kitten and says "i miss u" and signs off instantly. i was doing fine ready to move on and then this happens. what is she doing? why if she wants space is she contacting me? all i said was "cute" and thats it. whats this mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Maybe she's getting back at you for how you've treated her. My dad has an extremely bad temper. He's calmned down as he's gotten older. When I was young he used to yell and throw things, he'd get so out of control. BUT he never hit me, my sister, or my mom. He would NEVER hit a female. He's never even gotten close. He has always instilled in my sister and I that if any guy ever hits us, pushes us, or is violent in any way towards us that we leave that guy immediately. He also said that he would want to know about it so that he can kick the sh*t out of that guy. Which he would. He'd go to jail for assault before he'd let a guy get away with hitting one of us. You're lucky this girls father and/or male friends haven't come after you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 I would suggest you let it go man. You made some mistakes and now have to live with the consequences. In her shoes would you come back to you? I was in this same situation with the mother of my child. She still cared about me but I had to let it go because in the end it was up to her whether she could have a relationship with me after what I had done. You can call Lisa and ask her to hang out with you but it won't change whatever the gut feeling she has about having a relationship with you. Let her contact you. Most importantly- get some help. what I found was that the most helpful thing wasn't saying or thinking that I had a problem. It was sitting down and asking myself if this was really who I wanted to be and finding the will from inside to learn enough about myself and what could cause this to change. I have a hard time with little sleep too. I don't use violence anymore but I'm much more on edge. I used to find it hard not to be mean and hurtful on 3 hours of sleep. So get some. Decide who you really want to be and if you have the will to change and become who you want. It could be a very long road and possibly your life down the drain. There are no more second chances. This is it, make use of it. Next time could be jail, whether you think so or not. Get some help. Best of Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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