Should I Try and Work It Out

[A Sad Wife]

My husband of two years has been unfaithful recently. There was flirting with a few women, but one woman he actually slept with and has been having lots and lots of communication with. When I found evidence (cell phone records) I confronted him and got him to admit some things. It hasn't been going on that long. The girl is an old friend from school who has always been after him. She's a real tramp and cheated on her boyfriend to be with my husband. She's done things like this before. I know that he doesn't love her, but he seems to be getting something from her I'm not providing.

 

Part of the reason I'm so mad is we just bought our first house right before this happened. This pisses me off because I feel he shouldn't have gotten us into such a big commitment and then acted like that right away. However, maybe it's the pressure of this house that's bothering him. Overall he's been a good husband, but I've always been scared of infidelity because he cheated on a girlfriend in the past. I'm pretty sure this is the first time he's done anything like this to me. In fact I'm almost positive.

 

He seems to be trying to be truthful with me and we've agreed to seperate for now. We both think it's best. I can't snap my fingers and forgive him and he needs some time and space to think. Forcing ourselves on eachother right now is not going to help. But I want to know if I should be working on trying to get back together with him. Should I give him another chance? I know he really loves me.

[Blind Illusion]

I don't think it's a matter of what you should do but what do you want to do, as far as working towards getting back together or not.

 

You say that overall he has been a good husband. Is there enough good there for you to provide him with another chance. Is he willing to open up as to why he went this route. (the fact that he cheated in previous relationships sort of bothers me too)

 

Would you contemplate going to counseling to help sort this out. Either alone or as a couple.?

 

My own two cents is that pressure of the house thing isn't really swinging too successfully with me. You had that same pressure...you live in those same walls.

[jonesgirly]

Sad Wife......Umm...you seem waaayyy too nice to me. Most people who recently discovered their spouses' infidelity are LIVID, hurt, and way more emotional about the whole thing than I get from you.

 

What struck me most was your being almost too 'understanding' of his actions. We ALL face pressures each and every day, with only the minority choosing to add the 'spark' of infidelity into the mix.

 

You seem very calm and level-headed about this, with the seperation being best for both at this point. Remember though - this will allow him to 'do as he pleases' with whomever he pleases! He has proven that he is not trustworthy. I do not get the impression that he feels remorseful (hence the ensuing seperation being 'best for both').

 

I would think it would be rare to find a WS who would readily agree to a seperation (so quickly) if they truly wanted to repair their marriage.

 

And STOP worrying about what "you're not providing". No one on the planet provides EVERYTHING that another person wants or needs. However, there is a level of commitment in a marriage that provides or assumes faithfulness. Do NOT forget that!

 

I think that you should be spending this time on yourself. Why do I get the feeling that you don't seem to expect much from your husband? Maybe, though, this way works for you. I think I would be ready to 'scalp him low' if my husband had sex (was it unprotected?) with some tramp! And I don't want to point out the obvious, but I DOUBT it was unconsentual.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Blind Illusion and Jonesgirly.

Your best bet is to spend some time on yourself and give some serious consideration to what it is that YOU want. If the new house is all that binds you two together in terms of obligation and responsibility.... you could probably cut your losses without too much difficulty. I'm not suggesting it wouldn't be an emotional challenge mind you, just that it's not as problematic as having a bunch of kids and decades of your time and energy invested in the marriage.

 

Marriages can recover from infidelity, but this guy seems to have a couple of strikes against him already. There's not enough evidence yet to suggest he's a serial cheater, but it's a possibility. And serial cheaters don't reform easily. It usually takes extensive therapy to break through their sense of entitlement.

[Solachica]

Only 2 yrs and he's cheated already

Take your time and see if you can forgive him becos no use being in a marriage where you harbour unforgiving feelings and trying to pretend everything is fine.