keep chaning or leave?

[star]

i love my bf to death, but i have some problems with jealousy and control and am currently working on them, however it seems that he still thinks of the "old me" and i can't seem to change his mind that i am different now. example i joked around about some things yesterday and he thought i was serious, i was very hurt to find out he took me literally at what i had said, which was of course about jealousy. i know i still have a long way to go, but i'm getting frustrated and it seems that all my efforts are in vain, and i wonder if maybe i should just move on and be alone until i have this whole jealousy/control issue sorted out, to spare him and myself the misery of it all. i've read that it is actually suppose to be easier to change when in a relationship then not in one, but i don't know if i believe that anymore. i think that alot of it is that it seems dispite my changes they go un-noticed and that hurts, and also i just don't know if i can keep trying to change to handle things better.

 

i know that i would have these same problems in another relationship as well, but at the moment i feel so disgruntled that i don't even want to be in any relationship. i think about just leaving him and going back to school and living alone in a nice cozy little apt. somewhere far away from everybody and just live my life my way for a change. unfortunately i have been with him for several years and it would literally break my heart to leave him, but on the other side of this, it would also be a relief from the control and jealousy i always feel.

 

just because i am consciously working on this, does not mean i am always successful, and that is what drives me crazy, that at times i seem to be unable to control it while at other times i can let it all roll down my back.

 

any suggestions on what to do, i don't want to go through a broken heart phase and wonder if the "if only" syndrome for weeks maybe even months, if i did the right thing, cause after all he is a really great guy. so any advice would be most appreciated and i thank you in advance.

[midori]

i've read that it is actually

suppose to be easier to change when in a relationship then not in one, but i don't know if i believe that anymore.

I don't think I believe that -- it's certainly counter-intuitive. If you've got issues that have been a part of a relationship then change will be that much more difficult because you not only have to change the inner things that drive you to jealousy (whatever that might be) but you also have to change the dynamic that has been formed in your relationship in reaction to the issues. As you've discovered, changing a dynamic involves two people changing -- and your bf hasn't caught on yet, either because he's unable/unwilling to or because you haven't changed yet as much as you think. I think that when you're dealing with deep-seated fears and issues like innate, groundless jealousy that you might do better to explore and resolve things on your own.

any suggestions on what to do, i don't want to go through a broken heart phase and wonder if the "if only" syndrome for weeks maybe even months, if i did the right thing, cause after all he is a really great guy.

That's part of the deal when it comes to love and relationships. Broken hearts and "what if's" are frequent occurrences and to not take the steps you need in order to sort yourself out in order to avoid such pain is foolish -- you're only postponing the inevitable and prolonging the pain and resentment both you and your bf will feel.

 

Are you keeping a journal of the thoughts you have about your issues? This can be a very helpful thing if you feel like you gain insight & resolve only to lose them a few weeks later. Talking to people helps too -- I don't know if your bf would be the best candidate for this, but you should consider whether or not he is the kind of person that could support and assist you with this process. In the end you may well conclude that the best way to deal with this will be to get professional counseling. But whatever route you choose, you need to get this sorted out before you're going to be a happy partner in any relationship.

[star]

thank you so much for responding and basically telling me what i already had figured. dispite hearing that it is easier to change in a relationship then by being alone, i believe it may be easier tho you have no one to practice on. my bf does not do anything to make me jealous, i am totally responsible on my own, i came to him this way and all tho there had been a few instances way back in the beginning involving a few phone calls to an ex-girlfriend/friend, nothing has happened since then. my trouble's and suspcions are all on my own accord, unfortunately as it is. we do actually go to counseling for communication skills help, which seems to be falling by the way side.

 

we both come out fully motivated and invigorated but as you said in a few weeks or a few days the old behaviors return, thus the disappointing feeling of will things ever get better.

 

i long to communicate and have in depth talks with my spouse, who doesn't, but i guess he really isn't that type unless he has had a few beers then he loses his inhibitions and can communicate with me easier.

 

ya know i found alot of old papers of his while moving and he has been quite motivated and ambitious in his life, i feel since then maybe i am just too beneath him, not up to his standards and not up to his level of education and that is why we have communication problems.

 

sorry i guess i said more then i had intended to, i needed to talk to someone.

 

it's just that i know inside i have changed, but am subject to changing back and fourth, i have read that it takes 21 days for a new habit to be imbedded.

 

i am going to print our your response and hold on to it if i ever do leave then i will revert back to that as a motivater, thank you for your reply.

I don't think I believe that -- it's certainly counter-intuitive. If you've got issues that have been a part of a relationship then change will be that much more difficult because you not only have to change the inner things that drive you to jealousy (whatever that might be) but you also have to change the dynamic that has been formed in your relationship in reaction to the issues. As you've discovered, changing a dynamic involves two people changing -- and your bf hasn't caught on yet, either because he's unable/unwilling to or because you haven't changed yet as much as you think. I think that when you're dealing with deep-seated fears and issues like innate, groundless jealousy that you might do better to explore and resolve things on your own. That's part of the deal when it comes to love and relationships. Broken hearts and "what if's" are frequent occurrences and to not take the steps you need in order to sort yourself out in order to avoid such pain is foolish -- you're only postponing the inevitable and prolonging the pain and resentment both you and your bf will feel. Are you keeping a journal of the thoughts you have about your issues? This can be a very helpful thing if you feel like you gain insight & resolve only to lose them a few weeks later. Talking to people helps too -- I don't know if your bf would be the best candidate for this, but you should consider whether or not he is the kind of person that could support and assist you with this process. In the end you may well conclude that the best way to deal with this will be to get professional counseling. But whatever route you choose, you need to get this sorted out before you're going to be a happy partner in any relationship.