internet cheating can you advise?

[stacey2005]

I've put myself into a tricky situation that I'm not sure how to handle.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, engaged for the last 9 months. For the last 6 months we've been trying to have a baby with fertility help as I'm 42. Obviously this puts strain on any relationship and my partner has recently been finding it more and more difficult to have sex on the prescribed days. As a result, our normally healthy and happy sex life has become rather strained and lacking.

A week ago, I found out that he has recently been active on a website dedicated to finding other sexual partners.

I signed onto this website with a pseudonym and have engaged him in a rather explicit ongoing dialogue. Of course, he doesn't know its me and I'm not sure how to continue with this lie and what to do about an eventual meeting, should it happen.

Should I keep quiet, confront him or trap him??

Please help! Any advice would be much appreciated.

[ronnieromance]

Heh, for a second I thought you wanted advice on how to do it. I was aboutto tell you to sign up to webdate, but as per your question now that I've read it...

I would say that trickery isn't a good ingredient for a healthy relationship.

 

 

-R-

[stacey2005]

Would you say this is cheating?

Yes, its devious of me but isn't chatting with other women about what you'd like to do with them, behind your partner's back, also devious?

[Tim'sAngel]

Heh, for a second I thought you wanted advice on how to do it. I was aboutto tell you to sign up to webdate, but as per your question now that I've read it...

I would say that trickery isn't a good ingredient for a healthy relationship.

 

 

-R-

 

Um... excuse me if I'm wrong, but it seems the relationship is already not so healthy if he is trying to find another sexual partner, wouldn't you say?

 

This has actually been done before. If I find the thread I'll link you to it. Maybe the strain of trying to get pregnant is taking a tole on him and his is using other vices to relieve stress, which is absolutely no excuse. I know alot of married men get on these sites as a way to have a little extra fun, which may seem harmless, but the thing is you never really know if one day when the opportunity comes, they might just take it. Maybe even a spur of the moment kind of thing.

 

I really don't want to advice you on what to do in this situation because I have never been through this and I don't want to give you bad advice. However, I think it should be something you should take care of before concieving. I really really hate to see babies brought into the world in these situations. A child should have a loving home with 2 loving parents who have a healthy relationship. Maybe suggest you take a break on the fertility treatments for a bit until you decide what the next best step is. I strongly suggest couple's counseling!

[stacey2005]

Thanks very much for your input... i really appreciate it.

I agree with everything you have said, just need the courage now to face him and speak to him about what's going on. He will get angry with me because of what I've done. I know that. Communication will not be easy. We have been quarrelling quite a lot lately and I'm sure there will be many reasons he can give for using this site and looking around. That doesn't excuse it, I know, but I can understand that he's fed up with his life with me at the moment.

I'm frightened about breaking up (isn't everyone?) but I will try and be as calm and rational as possible when I speak with him. Hope we can work this out. Hope I can come to terms with it.

If you could find that thread, I would be interested in reading it.

Again, my thanks for your support

[Tim'sAngel]

Thanks very much for your input... i really appreciate it.

I agree with everything you have said, just need the courage now to face him and speak to him about what's going on. He will get angry with me because of what I've done. I know that. Communication will not be easy. We have been quarrelling quite a lot lately and I'm sure there will be many reasons he can give for using this site and looking around. That doesn't excuse it, I know, but I can understand that he's fed up with his life with me at the moment.

I'm frightened about breaking up (isn't everyone?) but I will try and be as calm and rational as possible when I speak with him. Hope we can work this out. Hope I can come to terms with it.

If you could find that thread, I would be interested in reading it.

Again, my thanks for your support

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=87080

[Slapshot2286]

You know, its interesting...I've been on the opposite side of this argument before...about being on sites like that. It was moreso with porn than with other sites with actual people, but here's my input, after being on HIS side. He's going to get mad at you because he's ashamed of it. I didn't tell my girlfriend I was looking at porn and whatnot, but I noticed myself becoming ever more irritable the more I used the sites. I decided that it was a bad thing for our relationship, and its been almost 6 months since I stopped. He shouldn't be mad, nor should he be looking at the sites. However, he WILL be mad, BECAUSE he's looking at the sites. Its a choice he has to make on his own. If you confront him about it, he will be pissed, and will find some other outlet for the reasons why he was on those sites in the first place.

 

I mean, obviously you have to confront him. You can't just sit back, knowing he's doing this, and be ok with it. I can tell you, don't come at it from the sense that it hurts and you don't understand why he would do this and all the things you WANT to say. That's what will make him mad. When my gf would come at me like that, it'd make me irritable. And that irritation was what did it for me. I didn't like that I was irritated at her, so I just stopped it all. I don't know how I would necessarily bring it out that you know he's doing it, but I can suggest that you not let him know its "hurting" you.

 

 

On a side note, I can tell you there's a DIRECT link between his waning interest in sex, and these sites he's on. I know that the more I looked at porn and sites like that, the less interest I had in sex. It just got to the point where I was like F this...why should I, as a guy, be pathetically looking on the INTERNET at girls, when I have a girl RIGHT HERE who wants sex? Is typing about sex and watching porn really as good?? NO! He's an idiot if he can't see that.

 

Do not think that this is your fault. It really has nothing to do with you (him going on these sites). I don't know what to tell you to make your confrontation bring the desired results, because I made the choice on my own. Its a really confusing situation...give me a bit to mill over it and I'll get back to you.

[stacey2005]

Thanks Slapshot. Really interesting to hear the male perspective. I tell you, you can really beat yourself up about these things. My self-esteem is rock bottom at the moment.

However, feeling better today as we had a bit of a heart to heart last night and I feel that perhaps we are more in tune with each other again.

Over a couple of glasses of champagne (dutch courage!),we spoke, without raising our voices, about how things were going with us lately.

He intiatated the converation by asking about what we should do re: trying to get pregnant (we've been deliberating IVF - now discounted) and we agreed to chill out about it but continue to try.

Spoke about him wanting/not wanting to have a baby, what it might do to our relationship, etc. and he seemed quite positive about everything. I brought up the fact that our sex life was in decline lately and was this a result of trying to get pregnant or him not fancying me anymore.

Said that I thought perhaps our relationship was in trouble (just a feeling I had) and the lack of sex was affecting us both.

He thought it was a particularly difficult time for us at the moment but that all would be fine and he had no issues about the strength and committment to our relationship. He made a point of saying he was not interested in anyone else (not sure how that came up, it was over dinner a bit later on).

To make a long story short, he hugged and kissed me and then whisked me off to bed (like a true gentleman!) and we had the best sex we've had in a quite a while, twice in fact with dinner inbetween!

Well, at least now we're both satisfied sexually and for me, a bit more at ease with where we are. I know its still a long road ahead.

Last night for the first time, he did no use the computer and we actually spent some quality time together. He has not responded back yet to our last hot and sexy conversation on the net, when I went on today.

So what now?

I'll check my messages on the site probably every day to see if there is one from him, but thats a bit like spying. Hopefully, if I'm not being naive, he'll see the light as you did Slapstick, and realise its having a negative effect on his personal life with me. Perhpas he'lll stop?

Should I come clean about what I'm doing?

Hope can certainly carry you a long way.. and after last night, I have a little bit holding me up.

Thanks again to everyone for your ongoing help. I think I would have gone round in cirlces in my head and gone crazy, had it not been for all your different points of view which have enabled me to approach this with some degree of rational thought.

I look forward to your feedback.

[Tim'sAngel]

Im glad things are going better for you stacey!! I would just keep checking your messages but not saying anything. See if he initiates anymore hott conversations. I would still keep it in the back of your mind what is going on "behind your back". Hopefully he was just alittle stressed out and went online for some harmless fun. Just try not to be naive and take into consideration that he thinks he is talking to a complete stranger about what he wants to do to her... If it starts up again after you guys had a heart to heart talk, I would say it is time to confront the situation, however you see fit to. If not, then I wish you both luck!!

[stacey2005]

Tim's Angel, thanks for the thread and you're comments about fertility treatment. life just catches up with you suddently and here I am now in my early 40's with my first real chance of having a baby (slim chance to be honest). I fell pregnant when I was 30 but miscarried early on. The 12 year relationship I had was on its way out funnily enough when that happened. Since then I've not been in a situation where I could realistically think about having a baby until now. I feel more like 30 really in myself, and am in good health. All my friends are just waiting for me to have a baby - they are all having them or have just recently had theirs. Very suprised to find that I'm considered a old age pensioner at 42. I thought more and more women were having their children later in life.

Some comments about me wanting to try and have a baby have been rather vicious, like I shouldn't be trying at all and its very selfish, etc.

God, I grew up with my grandmother for several years when I was a teenager and we are so close as a result of that. She was an amazing mother to me, still is.

I will look at the thread when I have some time but for now I'm late for work. I have NEVER spent so much time on the internet as I have done over the last 5 days. I didn't realise how time consuming it can be in your life.

Once again, many thanks!!