My boyfriend says I'm sexy, but wont have sex with me.

[amykat]

I have had a steady relationship for about two years with a man and I can't figure out what is going on with him.

 

He rarely initiates sex, and when I initiate it he turns me down with different excuses; I'm tired, I'm not feeling well, I'm mad at you, it's too early, its too late; if he does say yes, often he doesn't get a full erection.

 

When I first met him he watched a lot of porn and bought porn magazines regularly. When I complained that I thought the porn was taking the place of sex with me, he quit looking at it, or so he says.

 

I'm am typically not with him during the weekdays, and I think that he is masturbating either to porn or his fantasies at this time because he is never sexual towards me in the evening. I tell him that he must not be sexually attracted to me but he insists that he is. I know that he is not tired because he will often stay up late during the week, just to avoid coming to bed with me, even thought he denies that this is the reason.

 

On the weekends if I don't let him out of my sight, he will ask for sex and his erection will be hard and he often prematurely ejaculates. I tell him that the only reason he is asking for it is because he could not get away from me long enough to take care of it himself. This usually causes a hellish argument with him claiming that he never masturbates and only has sex with me. I then respond that if this true then why is it the only time he can get a good erection is when we've been together all day? He says when we argue he doesn't want sex with me, but I point out that sometimes our best sex is after a big fight. This argument goes on and on with him insisting that he is totally celibate when he is not with me and me telling him that it is impossible.

 

I don't have proof that he is lying, but my gut feeling is that he is not being truthful and it is tearing me apart. The thought of him prefering masturbating over having sex with me hurts me to a point where I am thinking of leaving him.

 

Please tell me if men can go one or two weeks without masturbating if they were used to doing it every day at one time. How do I know if he is lying or telling the truth? Is there a chance I could be wrong about all this?

[Solachica]

Cud be tht he has some sort of sexual problem and thts why he makes all those excuses.

Premature ejaculation is a sexual dysfunction.

[amykat]

I don't think he has a sexual problem because he doesn't have a problem getting an erection when its his idea (which is rarely); only when its my idea!?

[justagirliegirl]

Has he always been like this from the beginning?

 

He may have a problem even though he does get an erection. It may cause him anxiety so he avoids sex. Then bringing it up also may make him feel even worse. You know men are very sensitive about their performance.

 

Some men just have low sex drives too.

 

Is he on any type of medication?

 

Maybe you can gently talk him into seeing a doctor.

 

If he doesn't, is this something you are willing to live with for a long time maybe always?

 

I was married to someone with a low sex drive. It nearly drove me nuts. I put up with it way too long and I wouldn't ever again. Thankfully I have a man whose penis and desire works really well.

[dgiirl]

I would say he has some kind of anxiety during sex and that's why he's avoiding it. This is what happens to me. The things that you've said, out of frustration, to him are pretty harsh too and just adding even more anxiety for him. You need to remove your own insecurities, and not take the situation so personally. If it's anxiety, it really has NOTHING to do with you. Simply look at it as him having an illness. If someone was hurt bleeding on the street, you wouldnt come up and kick him in the stomach would you? This is what you're doing when you're taking the situation personally and in your own fear saying the things you are. You need to stop nagging at him about masturbating, and instead of telling him things he needs to STOP doing, try to work with him into getting him to start doing other things. You need to create a soft place for him to land, for him to allow himself to be vulnerable, to go slowly and give him enough time to let go of the anxiety.

[Agent M]

I have to weigh in on this issue because my best friend has a boyfriend who is addicted to porn and she tells the same story you do. He denies looking at it, but she checks the history on his computer and looks in his DVD player and she finds that he has been. They went on a cruise last year and he didn't have access to porn. The sex was great while on the cruise....

[Guest]

There was a time when I was differnately about my issues. Then I came to realize he was just a loser. He claimed that, this about nothing but now I want nothing to do with his excuses. First of all he is too young at heart with his

regards.

 

I will do all that I can to straighthen all I can and find my way. Take heed all and this includes my life.

 

I have been told by his so called friends what he is and about to do. If he takes what he 'belie ves' then he will take and take and take. He treats me like I'm his whore. excuse me folks but as you can imagine. Tomorrow is not another day. ONly his. He will do ANYTHING to get what he needs to surv ive the day or week.

 

Be careful of these typ[es

[Guest001]

In my opinion he prob still is.

 

I went through alot of it back in the day and it made me pretty much the same way you describe him. Before I stopped doing it so much.

 

Lotta stuff on the net about over masturbating and some sites have pills that will get you back on track. He still needs to stop or a least cut it down to 2 times a week.

 

Just for info purposes do a search for dr lin and read through alot of what he has to say. Lotta people send in questions. Thats where I went. If anything he might read how bad his body is getting because of his abuse.

 

Once he finds out he messing himself up he might just change.

No man EVER wants to have a problem launching. 8P

[ronnieromance]

Maybe he wants out of the relationship? He could love you and just not want to continue things.

 

 

-R-

[amykat]

I asked him if he wants out of the relationship and he insists that he doesn't, but I just can't get that into him sexually when that I think that I'm not turning him on.

 

He has other issues too that give me reason to question the relationship; he lies to me for no apparent reason about many things and when I catch him lying he will deny it even if it is evident he's not being truthful. This causes me to question and be suspicious of everything he does.

 

I know he is no good for me, but for some reason, I am compelled to be with him. It's like I am "addicted" to him in a very negative way. We fight much of the time when we are together, but when he is gone, I miss him and think that I want to be with me. He doesn't physically abuse me, but he verbally attacks me and I verbally attack him back. Its not a pretty sight, so why do I keep going back for more?

[JadeStar]

It could be a number of things. Depression, he has some anxiety issues with sex. He has watched and masterbated to to much porn there fore decenstizing the need for sex with you. Masterbation is the only way he truly enjoys it. May stem as far back as his childhood with sexual issues. He feels shameful, or maybe he is gay or bi. I'm not saying thats the case, but its possible. What kind of porn have you seen him look at? These are just possibilties, not saying thats the case with him. I would suggest counseling. If he wont go, then theres not alot you can do to make him, which you might be left with making the decison to stay or go in the relationship. JMO.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[mikethmn]

Hi...

 

My friend has just been diagnosed with the above disorder. The symptoms he has sufferred are EXACTLY like you have described in your bf. What the reality of this illness is, is not liking sex with people.... but rather having sex with the space between sofa cushions (all the while hidding it from their partner). It is a rather uncommon illness, but stems from a shattered childhood - usually when the child experiences psychological trama at a young age. For instance they were able to pinpoint the incident that led to my friends disorder - his mother has confirmed that it was when he was 5 years old. He had caught a bee in a bug net, and when the bee escaped it stung him in the groin. He ran to the garden hose and started wetting his pants with it to get the bee to come out. When he achieved losing the bee, he came back to his mom and she began laughing at him because it looked as though he had wet his pants. He then hid himself by running in the house and facing the couch crotch first. You see, in his mind, the couch was his hero.

 

Next time you go to sit on the couch, I guarantee if you check between the cushions it will be moist (unless he is a smart guy and uses a ziplock bag)

[johhny traintrack]

He Lies? Won't initiate sex? Why are you with him?

 

Low sex drive and a porn obsession, doesn't make sense.

He may have a problem initiating it, cuz he's nervous, shy,

afraid he'll lose his load in 5 seconds flat, lots of reasons.

Yep, he could be depressed. Porn watching is an easy way

to get off with no contact, you can do it at your leisure,

etc. Maybe he has a problem with intimacy and yeah, some

deep down hidden scare or depression.

 

If you're willing to stick around and uncover this prob together,

awesome...If not, I'd say this isn't the guy for you.

[sam x]

girl im glad i aint da only one out there my boyfriend is da same although i dont get 2 see him til da weekend he says hes not masturbating during da week but still dont wont to have sex wid me at the weekend he insist he aint cheatin an hes still attracted 2 me he says he dont have such a high sex drive as i do ive heard all the excuses im tied wat ever but now i just feel like hes rejectin me an i love him so much wat is it wid these men girl i wish i had some useful advice but were in da same boat jus want u 2 no u aint da only one out there sam x

[binevrywear]

Err... sorry to switch back to English...

 

Why does everyone assume that spanking the money is a bad thing? Why should it get it the way of having a good sex life? It's just an excuse. I jerk off nearly every day - to porn - and have no problem having sex with my wife. I love it. She loves it. It's no big deal. We do it three or four times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. No quick-squirts, no jealousy, nada. We're in our late 40's too, so don't say it has to wilt with age.

 

Guess what, OP? He is either not attracted to you, or doesn't like how the two of you get it on. That's all there is to it. Otherwise he'd get a stiffy everytime you got on your knees and made like you wanted to swallow his jizz.

[blind_otter]

I tend to agree with bin. It's possible to masturbate regularly and maintain a very active sex life. I've done it. I had partners who did it. Compulsively using porn and avoiding partner sex is really a symptom of a larger problem and not a problem in and of itself.

 

I think in many cases you could put the guy in a world where there is no porn and he would very likely still studiously avoid sex with his partner. Because the underlying problems are still quite real.

[Pink Amulet]

Low sex drive would be a deal breaker for me. It just doesn't seem worth your stress Amykat (trivia- the two women my ex cheated on me with were 'Amy' and 'Kat') I would say if you are feeling so much concern, with no hope of improvement, it is time to get out. This seems to be affecting your view of your own sexual appeal. This is not what a relationship should encourage.

[amykat]

I hear all of you and I have one question for the men out there who say they masturbate every day and still have sex with their wives/girlfriends in the evening, too.

 

Can you honestly say that sex with your mate is as good when you have masturbated once that day already? Or would it be better if you had not? And in my case my boyfriend who is in his late forties has a longer refractory period than a man in his twenties or even thirties. If he masturbates during the day, he is not ready to have sex again really until at least the following day and even if he could have it sooner, he's not sexually in the mood because he has already satisfied his urge that day. Am I totally wrong about this?

[j.carsey]

Otherwise he'd get a stiffy everytime you got on your knees and made like you wanted to swallow his jizz.

 

That part is very true. Girls I've been attracted to anyway, I can hardly control myself when it looks like they want it from me.

 

To the OP, do you make it clear you want him? Literally, be an animal and demonstrate you want him to f*ck you. He should find that sexy.

 

As for the masturbating thing, yeah a guy can masturbate regularly and have regular sex but... in my experience anyway, it changes one's drive. And I'm a guy who can cum 4 times a day as I get horny about stuff (vritually anything)

 

BUT one of my girlfriends was so horny, she literally wore me out and I hardly ever masturbated any more. Some weeks I didn't masturbate at all because I wanted to save it for her insatiable appetite.

 

Still looking for sex that good, again It's like #1 on my wish list

[sue2006]

Just read your add, i must say my boyfriend is a tab bit like yours!

 

Im 20 years old and hav'nt had sex for 2 years now. MY boyfriend tends to pleasure himself when im not around or when im asleep (he got a comp in the bedroom)but when i wake up he quickly get rid of what porn he had up on the screen and denies playing with him self on the computer.

 

Also there been times when he went to bed and expected me to wank him off and not to worry about its been 2 damd years he hav'nt climbed on top of me.

 

Ive tried talking about sex issues with him but he totaly chats about his car, work or says he off to bed now etc i feel there is never a good time to chat to him about sex. I just feel he is not intrested in my feelings or me.

 

I do give him the effection by kissing and cuddling which i hardly gets.

 

I look back at what my sex life use to be like i was a wild one and its a real shame its not the same now.

 

just not sure what to do for the best!

[AwkwardMan]

That part is very true. Girls I've been attracted to anyway, I can hardly control myself when it looks like they want it from me.

 

I've been the evil guy in this situation before. Basically, earlier in the relationship when I was attracted to her I could hardly control myself around her despite pleasuring myself 10+ times a week. However, fast forward a couple years and I was no longer really sexually attracted to her and I would have trouble getting or staying hard for her, even if I had abstained from everything for the past week. So, as a result, I'd never be the initiator, and she'd try to pressure me into it, and I'd shy away. I loved her dearly and I felt bad about it, but when I finally figured out what the issue was I broke it off with her.

 

That said, your guy is in his late 40's and it's a lot more likely that there are physical issues. I'm 19, but similar factors could be at play.