Swapping Roles during Arguments

[greaneyr]

Hi all!

First let me say how pleased I am to find this site. It's always cool to meet more people and I look forward to dealing with loads of you in future.

 

My wife and I got married a couple of months ago. We've been together for not too far over a year. Things have been amazingly good with us. We've been living together for around a year and never feel like we're in each other's way. We communicate our feelings and are both learning to become more open with each other.

 

However, something that has bothered me for some time that I have avoided bringing up with her until I have figured out the right way to do it is the way we argue. We don't do it much, thank goodness. However, when we do, she always goes quiet and says very little if anything. In the beginning, I read this as a deliberate act on her part to annoy me. It does annoy me, it's just not deliberate. It's how she is during arguments.

 

When we first met, she had trouble saying how stuff made her feel. She can be a shy person, and her family aren't particularly big talkers, so she has not been to used to spilling her thoughts so to speak. I took the advice of a good friend of ours and just left her to build up confidence in me to the point where she felt more at ease saying what she's thinking. It has worked in all aspects except for arguments.

 

I'm really not sure why she doesn it. Maybe she's afraid of saying what she thinks in case it creates something major. I dunno. The trouble is, I'm the type of guy who needs to talk stuff through. If she's upset at something I've done, saying nothing doesn't teach me anything. If I do it her way and leave her alone, all it does is creates more question marks in my mind. I also find it more calming to have talked things over. For a couple who pride themselves in their ability to communicate, this seems a little weak imho.

 

I realise it's partly my own mind that is at fault as it always assumes she is upset at something I've done. However, she need only say "I'm really not in a good mood tonight so I apologise if I get snotty - It's nothing you've done" if that is the case. My mind doesn't like unrest of any sort in our relationship. If there is unresolved conflict that I don't understand, I don't rest. If we don't talk about it, the conflict remains unresolved.

 

So my question to all of you is: How do you suggest I go about bringing this topic up with her/fixing this problem? I don't want to wait until our next argument because nobody is ever in the mood to negotiate under those circumstances. I also don't want to risk starting a argument by going about it the wrong way.

 

 

From what I've read, women typically want to talk during arguments and men don't. It seems we have swapped roles in this case.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you

 

Regards

Richard

[norajane]

She avoids conflict, and arguments are conflict. You want to talk things through in detail; each detail she hears sounds like yet another way she's not living up to your expectations (her perception, not necessarily your intent).

 

I'm guessing since she doesn't say a lot, that you put a lot of weight on what she does say. She might not want to take the risk of hurting your feelings by telling you what might be on her mind, especially if it's a small thing and she's afraid you might turn it into a big thing by obsessing over it endlessly.

 

It's not the end of the world. You just have different communication styles. Best way to approach anything is with humor, so treat it lightly and don't turn it into a big deal. It's also not something that can be changed overnight or with one conversation, so you need to understand her communication style better, too.

 

Acknowledge your differences and that it's ok to have them. Try talking about yourself instead of her, so you don't appear to be criticizing her or her communication style. Tell her you know it must drive her nuts that you always want to talk things through out loud. Tell her that it's ok for her to tell you when you're over-thinking things, or when she needs a break from all the talking.

 

Those are the kinds of things that will make her feel more comfortable opening up to you - because you are opening up to her and showing her that you see both of you need to adjust a little to understand each other better.

 

Then, pay attention to how she does express herself since it's not verbally. Does she show her affection by touching you? Does she withdraw when something's on her mind? Is she generally laid back and doesn't bring up little things that bother her about anyone? Understanding her in this way will help you feel less insecure, and you'll stop assuming that when something's on her mind, it's all about you and what you might have done to upset her.

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt - you're on the same team.

[greaneyr]

So much of what you say makes sense. It has really helped put things into perspective.

 

Thanks again!

[norajane]

You're welcome! I'm happy to help.

 

My SO is on the quiet side when it comes to relationship stuff while I'm more verbal. Took me a while to "get it" that we communicate differently, but once I did, I was able to feel more secure in our relationship...and that led to my not needing to hash everything out in detail with him...which made him feel more comfortable bringing things up...which made me more comfortable...chicken and egg.

 

Good luck!