Is talking dirty with a woman on the net cheating??

[stacey2005]

Hello, its my first time posting on this site and I really need some good advice.

I've put myself into a tricky situation that I'm not sure how to handle.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, engaged for the last 9 months. For the last 6 months we've been trying to have a baby with fertility help as I'm 42. Obviously this puts strain on any relationship and my partner has recently been finding it more and more difficult to have sex on the prescribed days. As a result, our normally healthy and happy sex life has become rather strained and lacking.

A week ago, I found out that he has recently been active on a website dedicated to finding other sexual partners.

I signed onto this website with a pseudonym and have engaged him in a rather explicit ongoing dialogue. Of course, he doesn't know its me and I'm not sure how to continue with this lie and what to do about an eventual meeting, should it happen.

Should I keep quiet, confront him or trap him??

Please help! Any advice would be much appreciated.

[stillhere]

If i was in your situation, i would trap him. I would want to know how serious he was. Was he looking for a little cyber sex, or is he looking for the real deal.

 

Then if he went for the real deal, i would show up and let him know how busted he was.

[Solachica]

Yup I wud consider tht cheating.

See how things progress and then if need be reveal yourself to him.

[whichwayisup]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Don't play this game with him, confront him and fix the marriage. Maybe you should hold off having children because you two need to sort this out BEFORE having kids.

[stacey2005]

thanks for your help, much appreciated. I can't think straight at the moment and I've never had to live a lie like this before. I will try and keep my composure for a few more days...

Whichwayisup, you are absolutely right and in my heart of hearts I know that.

He has a teenage child from a previous relationship, I don't. He thinks I'm obsessed with trying to get pregnant and that I trapped him. Not true, We fell heavily (or should I say heavenly?) in love almost at first sight and after a few months together I thought I would like to spend the rest of my life with this man and perhaps try to have a baby. Maybe it was wrong but it seemed like a naturel thing to me. He wasn't against me getting pregnant at first but when we started fertility treatment it became obvious that his enthusiasm had cooled somewhat, in contrast to mine which was "full speed ahead", in awareness of my limited time.

Yes, giving it our last shot at pregnancy is important to me but at the expense of ruining our relationship?? I would have said absolutely NOT... until a few days ago... now I'm not sure whether our relationship can stand up on its own, trying to get pregnant or not!

What do you think?

As always, I'm grateful for your input.

[SoleMate]

...I'm not sure how to continue with this lie and what to do about an eventual meeting...

"If you like pina coladas,

Getting caught in the rain..."

Should I keep quiet?

Like...forever? But then you'll always be wondering.

Should I trap him?

That just doesn't seem loving. Even if he is trying to cheat, and he needs to have his @ss dumped, somehow "trapping" him would seem to lower you.

Should I confront him?

Getting warmer, but even this doesn't sound quite right. "Look what I found! How could you do this!?!" Attack - defend - counter attack. It won't be a productive discussion.

 

Instead, I recommend calming yourself to the utmost, and sitting down with him for a cozy, intimate chat in which you do NOT mention the cyber business, but instead you ask him how he is feeling about your r/s these days. Do your best to make it easy for him to speak frankly. Don't punish him for anything he says, but instead encourage, thank and praise him for every scrap of honesty and openness he is able to come up with.

 

He might confess to feeling abandoned and isolated by something that is happening on your r/s. He might even be questioning the two of you in a fundamental way. Or, he might just feel the need for a bit of mental escape.

 

Let's be clear - you may get bad news. Or you may get a stonewall. Best case, you'll find something that you both can fix. If the discussion goes, well, I would at a later point bring up the cyber stuff and work out a plan together.

 

Good luck!

[stacey2005]

Such good advice... thanks so much!!

I like that approach, its honest.

I'm not a mean person at heart and my boyfriend is also a good man at heart. We don't need to hurt each other by taking out revenge on each other.

The only niggling doubt is if we have a heart to heart and I DON'T mention the net sex thing, will he continue to lead these two separate lives, ie. having his cake and eating it too?

I guess, only I will know. But at least I can give him the benefit of the doubt in the meanwhile.

Thanks again!